My mother has never been social - she has had very few friends, would not call on them or invite them round, discouraged me from doing so, and was happy in the company of animals rather than humans. She is not interested in making any friends, and avoids even her neighbours if she can. I am on the autism spectrum, and suspect she is too. She has carers visit twice a day, and although she gets on with them she complains that they don't come at regular times and resents their presence in her house (especially if there are several of them). My concern is the opposite. I work in a care home, and my worry is that if mum has to go in a home she will be forced to take part in activities she hates because "it's good for her", when incorrect socialising for autistic people is actually one of the most harmful things for them. However, she's not officially diagnosed, so healthcare professionals can easily disregard what I say.
Refusal to socialise.
- Thread starter netsy22
- Start date
My mother has never been social - she has had very few friends, would not call on them or invite them round, discouraged me from doing so, and was happy in the company of animals rather than humans. She is not interested in making any friends, and avoids even her neighbours if she can. I am on the autism spectrum, and suspect she is too. She has carers visit twice a day, and although she gets on with them she complains that they don't come at regular times and resents their presence in her house (especially if there are several of them). My concern is the opposite. I work in a care home, and my worry is that if mum has to go in a home she will be forced to take part in activities she hates because "it's good for her", when incorrect socialising for autistic people is actually one of the most harmful things for them. However, she's not officially diagnosed, so healthcare professionals can easily disregard what I say.
This is a difficult one! Autism is something most careworkers will not have had any experience or training in, unlike schools these days. I guess your mother has had a difficult life, there is more knowledge these days about the condition. My mum is in sheltered housing so the few activities there are voluntary, and avoidable.
I have just remembered, at mums occasionally there is an animal therapy session maybe your mother would like this.
I was chatting during today with 2 other people, all 3 of us having different dementia's. While 'comparing notes' we all spoke about loving the stimulation of social situations but all also spoke about how horrible it is to feel 'judged' by others. We often therefore avoid situations with too many new people, as much as we can, because they can be seen reacting when we say the wrong word etc.
This embarrassment at not being 'normal', takes along time to overcome.
Wayne
Wayne have been trying to write to you - hope this reaches you. Would be grateful
if you could send me some mail. - let me know who you are please. Gooby
Hi to Gooby,
sorry if you have had trouble getting me my friend, I am not and would not ignore you. I try to check for messages every couple of days even when i am not doing very well. just far too tired at the moment and cannot concentrate on anything so reading is hard. replying to a thread is much too much at the moment as i cannot 'think' of words to say.
have done you a PM so hope this or that gets to you.
I am OK just not great - even blog not getting done and not really doing anything to write about anyway.
I WILL BE GOOD SOON!!!!
Wayne xxx
sorry if you have had trouble getting me my friend, I am not and would not ignore you. I try to check for messages every couple of days even when i am not doing very well. just far too tired at the moment and cannot concentrate on anything so reading is hard. replying to a thread is much too much at the moment as i cannot 'think' of words to say.
have done you a PM so hope this or that gets to you.
I am OK just not great - even blog not getting done and not really doing anything to write about anyway.
I WILL BE GOOD SOON!!!!
Wayne xxx
Hi to Gooby,
sorry if you have had trouble getting me my friend, I am not and would not ignore you. I try to check for messages every couple of days even when i am not doing very well. just far too tired at the moment and cannot concentrate on anything so reading is hard. replying to a thread is much too much at the moment as i cannot 'think' of words to say.
have done you a PM so hope this or that gets to you.
I am OK just not great - even blog not getting done and not really doing anything to write about anyway.
I WILL BE GOOD SOON!!!!
Wayne xxx
Glad you could post Wayne, sorry you are feeling tired but will wait for your next blog instalment when you are feeling upto it. Just letting you know we're still here.
Sorry Netsy if my comment upset you. Of course you would never force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. It is a huge burden to be your Mum's entire social life and I suspect not sustainable long term. I hope you find some help soon.
I can only send you virtual support and hugs,
Aisling
Hi to Gooby,
sorry if you have had trouble getting me my friend, I am not and would not ignore you. I try to check for messages every couple of days even when i am not doing very well. just far too tired at the moment and cannot concentrate on anything so reading is hard. replying to a thread is much too much at the moment as i cannot 'think' of words to say.
have done you a PM so hope this or that gets to you.
I am OK just not great - even blog not getting done and not really doing anything to write about anyway.
I WILL BE GOOD SOON!!!!
Wayne xxx
Willing you to be 'good' very soon Wayne
xxHello Netsy22
My Mum spent most of her adult life avoiding relationships (but this was due to having had meningitis when she was 23 - this destroyed her confidence and ability to relate to people in new situations. She did however join a singing group who sang to collect money for Imperial Cancer - there were around 30 women, not one became a real friend. After dad died nearly 4 years ago mixed dementia symptoms took over and the slide downhill began. Mum was even more adamant that she did not want to join any clubs, have visitors or accept any help, the only other person other my myself, who visited her was her sil. Mum made an olympic sport out of buying 'toot' and religiously shopped twice a day even when I took her food shopping in the morning, she would go out again "because she had too". Now mum is in a lovely home where she can choose to be sociable or not. She sometimes eats with one or two other residents, sometimes chooses to sit in the lounge, sometimes chooses to join in an activity and sometimes chooses to watch tv in her own room. What I have learned is to accept mum's choices and to stop putting 'my' ideals onto her. I stressed and worried endlessly that she had no real friends, no hobbies, wasn't a 'joining-in' person. It's taken me a lifetime to realise that sometimes we have to accept how other people wish to live, even if we think it is wrong. I did manage to introduce a carer as 'my friend'. She was the grand daughter of mum's neighbour and mum allowed her to take her shopping one day a week - now mum thinks the world of her, something I never thought I would see.
My mum says everyone in the home is 'old' (she's 82). She thinks she is going to walk to the shops (cellulitis in both legs - now walking with a frame). She stumbled along on arthritic feet for 2 years refusing any aid and would see another elderly people and comment on how sad it was that they were so obviously in pain - wheelchair bound or walking with a frame... Maybe the human spirit is kind enough to give rise to a continued vision of hope, even when we are in a similar position and are unaware of it.
My Mum spent most of her adult life avoiding relationships (but this was due to having had meningitis when she was 23 - this destroyed her confidence and ability to relate to people in new situations. She did however join a singing group who sang to collect money for Imperial Cancer - there were around 30 women, not one became a real friend. After dad died nearly 4 years ago mixed dementia symptoms took over and the slide downhill began. Mum was even more adamant that she did not want to join any clubs, have visitors or accept any help, the only other person other my myself, who visited her was her sil. Mum made an olympic sport out of buying 'toot' and religiously shopped twice a day even when I took her food shopping in the morning, she would go out again "because she had too". Now mum is in a lovely home where she can choose to be sociable or not. She sometimes eats with one or two other residents, sometimes chooses to sit in the lounge, sometimes chooses to join in an activity and sometimes chooses to watch tv in her own room. What I have learned is to accept mum's choices and to stop putting 'my' ideals onto her. I stressed and worried endlessly that she had no real friends, no hobbies, wasn't a 'joining-in' person. It's taken me a lifetime to realise that sometimes we have to accept how other people wish to live, even if we think it is wrong. I did manage to introduce a carer as 'my friend'. She was the grand daughter of mum's neighbour and mum allowed her to take her shopping one day a week - now mum thinks the world of her, something I never thought I would see.
My mum says everyone in the home is 'old' (she's 82). She thinks she is going to walk to the shops (cellulitis in both legs - now walking with a frame). She stumbled along on arthritic feet for 2 years refusing any aid and would see another elderly people and comment on how sad it was that they were so obviously in pain - wheelchair bound or walking with a frame... Maybe the human spirit is kind enough to give rise to a continued vision of hope, even when we are in a similar position and are unaware of it.
No no no you didn't upset me at all. Thanks for your support and ideas. xxx I'm taking mum to a carers cafe tomorrow!!!!
My mum was very sociable before she had dementia, when got dementia she refused to go to to most places. It can be really hard. A couple of things i found works well is to 1) put a piece of paper up each day which says what the agenda is so she knows what time things are happening that day. This helps my mum to feel more secure and prepared for the day ahead which can be confusing. 2) to give lots of warning (1 week plus) and every day remind her that this event is coming up and be enthusiastic about it 3) to develop routine/structure so if u can do certain activities on certain days and keep to that day each week, e.g. Every Thursday at 3pm is coffee at the social centre each week. Best of luck!!
