Today I found out that I had royally ****ed up. My dad has never committed to thinking about LPA despite my brother and I constantly telling him to speak to a friend or solicitor about it - we know we can set it up ourselves but thought if he discussed it with a professional he'd understand the need more etc he's clearly not listening to us. 2weeks ago a portion of some savings that are in mine and my dads name matured. I stupidly said to him that if he wasn't going to go down the proper route of an LPA then maybe he should transfer the money to my name just in case anything happens to him we will have access to funds to help him. This prompted him to actually make an appointment with a solicitor! He recently misplaced his debit cards and has been stressed about that because he thinks he's lost all of his money. My brother accompanied him to the solicitors and while waiting he told my brother that he knows what I'm up to now and that I've taken his cards to get hold of his money. He also thinks I want him to die (in the LPA conversation 2 weeks ago he said that he'd be better off dead if he got any worse, to which I agreed and said that I'd rather he passed away peacefully and with dignity rather than drag on for years not knowing what is going on and not being able to care for himself). I feel so annoyed with myself that I said those things because he now has more reasons to detest me. He's always ready to snap at me answering me with sarcasm but gentle with my brother. When all three of us are together his attitude towards me and my brother is like night and day. He doesn't see my brother as the golden child but he's always reserved greater disappointment for me. I'm the eldest and so he therefore expects more of me and less of my brother. These money and death accusations have been a huge kick in the proverbial for me. I feel physically sick thinking about it. It's something I have blocked out for along time: he doesn't love, appreciate or acknowledge me equally to my brother. All my memories of my relationship with my dad has been to serve him and displease him. He doesn't speak English so I have had to translate for him since I was little - how many children by the age of 12 can restock a shop, call the police and deal with drunk customers, interpret at the doctors and hospitals, garages and speak to energy suppliers or banks or workmen when there was a problem? As I was the eldest, my parents would always give me the lions share of the responsibility citing I was more experienced. Whenever I refused to do something like make a phone call i then get the "you never do anything for me" speech. Then finally after my mum died my dad tells me that he's made a will. He tells me that originally he'd put me down for 30% of his cash and 70% to my brother along with the house. That put me at 17% of his overall estate. But the solicitor who has known my dad for 25 years suggested that was unfair so now his will is 50/50 cash but the house to my brother. That increases my share of the estate to 26%! Go me! I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining about money. I've never thought about his money and with his diagnosis of dementia I fully expect his estate to be depleted on care. What really hurts is that I see those numbers as what he thinks about me. I'd forgotten about that in my attempt to be nobly caring towards him in his time of need. Now that he thinks I want his money and him to die it has really winding me and is a startling reminder that although he needs care and support, he's horrid to me and has always thought less of me. I really want to take a step back from it all because he brings out all that is horrible in me, he makes me miserable and I am clearly not a ray of sunshine in his life. But I can't leave my brother to deal with most of it. I love him dearly and we are each other's rock. I don't think it's all dementia, I feel like it's my dad talking but through a dementia loudspeaker. These accusations really cut deep for me and I don't think I'm mature enough to let them wash over me.
Our true relationship is being revealed
- Thread starter Tragicuglyducky
- Start date
Favouritism as a parent is anathema to me. I dont understand why a parent would knowingly create division between siblings. Money is often at the root of it and competition between father/son and mother/daughter relationships. Being the eldest he may well see you as trying to wrest control from him.
The choice is yours now. Do you stop looking for the love you don't feel you were given? Do you support him regardless? Do you say to your brother - well he clearly thinks more of you so on you go and be the elder brother as far as Dads care is concerned.
Life is short and we waste a lot of it on these emotional issues - I'm guilty of this too - better to put it to one side and enjoy what's left of your life regardless of his thoughtless parenting.
The choice is yours now. Do you stop looking for the love you don't feel you were given? Do you support him regardless? Do you say to your brother - well he clearly thinks more of you so on you go and be the elder brother as far as Dads care is concerned.
Life is short and we waste a lot of it on these emotional issues - I'm guilty of this too - better to put it to one side and enjoy what's left of your life regardless of his thoughtless parenting.
I think your username says a lot.
To be honest, I think (and it is only my opinion) that as your father's dementia progresses, you would be better off, for all the reasons you have mentioned, taking a step back from having a major role in his care. He has already accused you of trying to steal from him. Of wanting him dead. As his illness progresses, these accusations may get worse. So it may save you and your brother a lot of stress if you give your brother all the support you can - but from a bit of a distance.
To be honest, I think (and it is only my opinion) that as your father's dementia progresses, you would be better off, for all the reasons you have mentioned, taking a step back from having a major role in his care. He has already accused you of trying to steal from him. Of wanting him dead. As his illness progresses, these accusations may get worse. So it may save you and your brother a lot of stress if you give your brother all the support you can - but from a bit of a distance.
I hope that writing how you feel down has helped you. Family relationships are so complex, years of emotions. There is no way of knowing how your dad's illness will progress, or how you will feel. I wonder if you've ever considered counselling? Even a short course can really help, I know from experience, many years ago. It's really positive you are close to your brother, with everything that is going on. X
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Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Thanks guys, I thought I was just being over sensitive. Funnily enough I see a psychologist every fortnight because of my dad's contempt of me! All options point to keeping him at a distance but as always THE GUILT! I need to learn to ignore my dad. But I think it's a good idea to talk to my brother about it and concentrate on supporting my brother. I'm so grateful I have a strong relationship with my brother! We have each other in this horrible time!
