Next stage

[Saffie]

It would be hoped that this person would not attend but if they do then may be just ignoring them would be the answer as it is awful to have this to worry about as well as everything else that is happening at this time.
It's difficult to see how you could prevent them coming unless you ask some one who knows them to tell them than they would not be welcome.
It is an added distress for you.

I seem to recall all that Scarlett had a situation similar to this.

 

[bemused1]

Yes I can understand your daughter's must have been horrendous and people would want to protect you.
I think he may get to hear. Ron retired 14 year ago but there are those who seem to keep tabs on deaths and feel a need to get involved.
My plan is just to tell everybody it's close friends and family only and then quietly tell people I want to know.
Stress produces anger in me Jeanette, my mouth opens and words come out of their own volition. Not something you want to happen at your husband's funeral!

 

[rajahh]

​

sounds a good plan, and if this person has any decency they will not attend.

I too can speak before my brain engages Ros , and I do understand you wouldnot want anything like that to happen but if it does then I am sure Ron would understand and possibly give you the thumbs up!

 

[Scarlett123]

If we're being completely honest, there were several "ghosts" at John's funeral, who hadn't given a tinker's cuss about either of us for the previous 5 years, but who said they "wanted to come to pay our respects".

Personally, I thought it was just a way for them to make themselves feel better, but I nailed a smile on my face after, and thanked each one for coming, even those who came back to the reception after, filled their faces, and hadn't even sent a condolence card.

Most of them haven't been in touch since, one sent a Christmas card, a year later, telling me about her year, and their holiday plans, and not asking a thing about me, and the true friends we had before, have stayed true friends since.

These are your plans for your husband's funeral and what you want to do is all that matters. Don't forget, if you want to give a Eulogy, and I can help in any way, just PM me.

 

[bemused1]

Today I am expecting the district nurses to collect the suction pump and finally the syringe driver. Not holding my breath about that. Then Weds the shower chair/ commode and slings are being collected. Finally on Thurs the bed and all the other medical equipment. I think I need someone to move in with me this week. As much as I want it gone it will be so hard. Then on Friday the celebrant is coming to sort out details of the funeral.

Can I run away do you think and just leave the house open for them all?????

 

[jan.s]

A difficult time, the collection part, but once it's done, that's another tick on your list. Just point them in the right direction and shut yourself away; they must be used to that! I would do that.

As far as the celebrant is concerned, try to think of it as something you can do for Ron. An opportunity to give him a very special day. I tried to decide in advance some of the things I wanted for Roger and the kind of format I wanted. Remember there is no right or wrong, but whatever you want it to be for Ron.

You are doing brilliantly. Sending love and support X

 

[bemused1]

Thank you Jan it doesn't feel like it!
It really does kassy. I want it gone but it is so final. I want to move furniture around before I start thinking about having the hoist removed and redecorating but at the same time I feel guilty about wanting to do it.
The same with all the equipment. xx

 

[rajahh]

When Gordon went into care I could not bear looking at his empty chair and got rid of it through free cycle within a fortnight. I felt much better then. I know some people might have judged me and some may still have their spouse's chair and get comfort .

We are all different, with different attachments to things. I hope once all these "gadgets" have gone from your home it will help erase the memory of your husband as he had become wth all his needs . I hope your memory will gradually be filled with earlier times when he was healthy.

Gordon was never healthy in this house perhaps that is why it was easier for me to reorganise and decorate and make it my home.

Love jeannette

 

[bemused1]

When Gordon went into care I could not bear looking at his empty chair and got rid of it through free cycle within a fortnight. I felt much better then. I know some people might have judged me and some may still have their spouse's chair and get comfort .

We are all different, with different attachments to things. I hope once all these "gadgets" have gone from your home it will help erase the memory of your husband as he had become wth all his needs . I hope your memory will gradually be filled with earlier times when he was healthy.

Gordon was never healthy in this house perhaps that is why it was easier for me to reorganise and decorate and make it my home.

Love jeannette

This was our first and only house together Jeanette and it holds many happy memories as well as the sad ones. Not for a moment though would I have changed the way life panned out here. But I think along the same lines, an attachment to things is not me. I think once the shock and finality of getting these things removed is gone I will be able to move closer to the real Ron, the person I never entirely lost. he's just hidden at the moment.

 

[LadyA]

This must be such a tough thing, I think - all the clearing up of equipment and re-organising.
I was fortunate in that over the years, William had been quite specific about what he wanted for his funeral, so most of the content was decided.

You've done so very well up to now, caring for Ron, bemused. Whatever you decide for the funeral will be done with love, and to honour him, so it will be perfect.

 

[gardengirl]

You will feel better

dear bemused
You have far too much on your plate at the moment, so don't expect everything to fall into place at once. I lost my husband two years ago to dementia, I know I will always miss him because he was part of my life for 30 years, but I now have moved on and involve myself in anything I can, joining groups, whether book reading, the u3a do lots, please check it out or women's institute, volunteer in local charity shop, do things to meet others, when you are ready. Try not to stay in but keep your mind and yourself active, it will help, honest! A time will come when you will remember the person you married and the fun you had. Take care of yourself, I'm sending you big hugs! x
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Thank you everyone. I have put one photo of Ron before I even knew him because it was just a perfect picture of his smile. I'm not ready to tackle our photos yet.

I just went out , couldn't stand being in the house. I don't think jess and I have had a real walk for maybe four years. Of course the weather is ..... and everywhere is slippery. Poor jess looking at me, what are we doing here. Both of us a bit scared. So we had a little safe and gentle walk. Arthritis has run riot and my legs are like spaghetti. Then I stopped at that well known store T.... and found I had no idea why and anyway I was too scared to go in.
What happened??? I would and could move mountains for Ron but I can't go in a supermarket. That's what dementia does to us , the survivors.

This afternoon I am going to talk coffins I can deal with that, it's for Ron.

Stanley there are many people who have suffered the same loss and the courage of those who kept on telling their story inspired me.
Nobody reacts in the same way but I know that without TP from very early on I would not have been able to do what I did. So if I can give just a little back it will make me feel someone can be helped

Besides, who else could I talk to who understands?
Forgot to say thank you billy and Scarlett. Not sure jess is so impressed

 

[Scarlett123]

Nobody could fail to understand why you want to hide away from having to witness the many things that are happening this week. It's tougher than tough, and so hard. The Celebrant will listen to your wishes, and will make suggestions.

Let them guide you, but remember, it's your decision that matters, and whatever it is, it'll be the right one. xxx

 

[LadyA]

I remember mentioning it at the time William died, but it's an old tradition (fast dying out) here, that when someone dies, the female members of the immediate family, particularly the widow, if it's a man that's died, do not go out anywhere unaccompanied - not even to the corner shop - until after the funeral. It's so that they have some support, if people start sympathising with them in public - or if they just get overcome and start crying. So they won't be left there, alone, in tears in the middle of a shop or street. Of course, our funerals are usually held very much sooner after a death - usually two days, three at most, unless family are travelling a distance. William's funeral was delayed because his children from his first marriage all had to come from the US - he died on a Monday and was buried on the Saturday following - so only five days after his death. But during that time, my daughter, who turned out to be quite a traditionalist, would not let me go anywhere by myself - nor would she let me drive! It got a bit annoying, but was quite nice too. (Wasn't so nice the following week, when I discovered the back brakes on my car had jammed on from the car not being moved! They sheared off when I rocked the car to get it free so I could get to work, and needed replacing, which was a pricey job I could have done without!).

But Bemused, I well remember too, your experience of getting to the door of shops and then "chickening out" and not going in. After so long in the quiet, with William, and not going in among crowds and noise and people moving around quickly - and all the turmoil of emotions at the time - the cacophony of a supermarket was just too overwhelming. Too many people, too much movement, too much busyness, and I felt as if I was suspended in a giant bubble and the world was carrying on all around me, and I wasn't part of it. And people couldn't really see me - it was as if I almost didn't quite exist. Like I was just a shadow. That's new grief and exhaustion, bemused. It passes, very slowly.

I do hope you have someone near to support you at this time. Other than Jess, who I'm sure is doing her doggy best. xx

 

[bemused1]

Thank you all, the support is beyond price. Family are popping in and out and very supportive but they are dealing with their own tragedy and i dont want to expect too much of them.

The syringe driver has been finally collected along with all the bits. The dn was full of apologies that I'd had to chase them and that it hadn't been collected more or less immediately.

So finally the care records have gone back to the agency, the patient records and equipment gone. I am so glad the records have gone.

I wish it wasnt so long drawn out ladya but i think a funeral within two or three days might just have pushed me over the edge.

Its comforting to know that nothing I am experiencing is odd. Very reassuring !
The bubble seems exactly how i feel . Someone else is working the levers and im just going along with it.

 

[jan.s]

Thank you Jan it doesn't feel like it!

It is all so new bemused, but believe me you are doing well.

One day at a time, just look at what you are doing today, not at the end of the week. I found that worked for me, and slowly but surely things will get easier for you.

I hope the DN turned up today. So tomorrow, no collections, no visitors, maybe try to do something nice for YOU, even if it's going to a friend for coffee, browsing round a shop, just something for you.

Take care x

I'm so glad the DN has been, and that the family are supportive.

 

[bemused1]

Thank you jan. I 've only left the house for the last three days to take jess out so i must get out tomorrow. Not yet sure what i will do but i will think of something.

 

[Scarlett123]

Thank you jan. I 've only left the house for the last three days to take jess out so i must get out tomorrow. Not yet sure what i will do but i will think of something.

Just go with the flow, Sweetie. If you feel like going out, even if only for a coffee, either with a friend, or on your own, do that. And if you just can't face it, it's not so bad. The next day you may feel better and up to it.

Just like everything else, at this time, there's no right or wrong way - just your way. xxx

 

[bemused1]

I think your right scarlett . I keep feeling i should be doing things but
Just dont seem to have any drive.

 

[jaymor]

Bemused I have days when I do nothing and days when I move mountains. Right now that's how it is. Hopefully some day soon life will become more settled but for now I am not ready to fight it so I just go with it.

Take your time as Scarlett says, do it your way.

Thinking of you

 

[LadyA]

I think your right scarlett . I keep feeling i should be doing things but
Just dont seem to have any drive.

Only thing you "should " do at this time bemused is keep breathing, and grieve your tremendous loss. During this time, we really come to understand the meaning of the word "bereft ". And while we KNOW how ill they were, and we KNOW they are now at peace, and suffering as they were, no of course we couldn't wish them back.
But that's the head talking, while the heart is crying "what about me? Don't leave me here on my own.!"

It takes time. Meanwhile, to be honest about it bemused, you and your Ron are well worth this time of intense grief. Of course you don't have any drive - your energy is going into grieving, and will be for a while. As it should be. Only do what you have to. In the early months after William died, I sometimes found that hours had passed, and I had just been sitting doing nothing, just sitting looking at the wall!