Hello and advice welcome

[Willowgill]

Hi

I've just registered on here having looked on the web for some advice on where to turn to for help. Maybe someone on here can offer some and I feel it may be a lifeline to have 'someone' to talk to who will understand the situation my husband and I find ourselves in.

Briefly my mum and dad who are 88 and 87 respectively are now both becoming increasingly confused and, although they are still living in their own home and managing to look after themselves for the most part, it is becoming more and more apparent that my dad is showing signs of Alzheimers. I am not sure if the confusion and memory loss my mum is suffering is Alzheimers or just due to the severe pain she is in constantly and being profoundly deaf. We only live round the corner and do what we can for them such as taking them shopping, doing jobs around the house etc but we now worry about their safety and what the future holds as time goes on.

I went to see the GP last week to talk to him about them and he advised that we get them assessed - a test they needed to agree to having done and which I have persuaded them to have. I haven't mentioned Alzheimers - just that we are concerned about their memory problems - is this wrong of me? I am very worried that to mention the word will terrify them. The test will be done in their own home - would one of us be able to be present?

We also applied for power of attorney last year (with their consent) and now need to get this registered as we are very worried about the amount of cash my dad is carrying around with him - he pulls wads of £20 notes out of his pockets in public and we have no idea what he is doing with this - as he is also losing his sight he seems confused over how much things are and just holds out his hand with money in it. Obviously this could lead to some unscrupulous person taking advantage of him or even worse. Is it possible to approach a bank and tell them to limit the amount of cash someone can withdraw?

I am an only child so the burden of care falls to me - we both are prepared for this but in reality the financial burden is really worrying. My husband has been out of work for some time and I work full time which limits the amount of time I can spare to be on hand. My husband is trying to find a job as we need his income so this would mean us both being away from home. What help is available if a diagnosis of Alzheimers is made? Would they be eligible for such things as home help or meals on wheels? My dad is getting carer's allowance for looking after my mum at the moment as she can't walk.

We have had our house up for sale now for over 15 months as we had hoped to be able to buy somewhere that we could convert into an annexe and take them in to look after them but they have both deteriorated a great deal over this time and now I'm not even sure the move would be a good one for them - could taking them away from their familiar surroundings make things even worse?

I'm sorry for all the questions and rambling! My parents have always been such independent active people and were even playing golf up until about 3 years ago. Mum now needs a wheelchair to go out in and is in constant danger of falling over in the house. Seeing them reduced to such fraility is very hard - even though my dad seems to find everything incredibly funny and we all laugh at the things they do!

Thanks for reading

 

[rhallacroz]

Know how you feel

HI There
It all sounds familiar I too am on only child and it is so hard having no one to share the burden with Like you I have a good husband who tries his best but works hard etc. We too thought about buying ahouse together but with Dad having VD it is now too late to move them . They are 83 mum ok but profoundly deaf so doesn;t hear me on the phone. I have plenty of carers popping in and night care as dad in the lounge on a hospital bed. Imobile goes to an EMI day centre 4 days a week when well. You should be entitled to this level of care but it will depend on the level of savings your parents have. Firstly your dad and mum should both be getting attendance allowance as a main carer even if your partner is getting attendance allowance they both are entitled to it in this situation.
I hope that you will find TP very helpful we are a friendly bunch who are always there for each other.
Take care
ANgela

 

[steph2007]

God! don't you just get so scared when they pull out a handful of money like that? my father in law has a habit of doing that and holding it out to whoever he is paying and relies of their honesty to just take the correct amount, my heart nearly stopped when I first saw him do that! We try not to let him have access to any more money than he absolutely needs and have tried to tell him why but it goes over his head. My mum and dad in law have their own house and seem to manage fairly well with my husbands and myself popping in and out. My mum is furiously stubborn about accepting outside help but it is becoming harder and harder for her to cope, we are trying to get them to move in with us as we have an annexe but so far mum has insisted that she can manage.
What can I do? it's just so hard isn't it?

 

[Skye]

Hi Willowgill, welcome to TP.

It's scary, having o be responsible for both parents, isn't it? One or two of our members are in this situation, and it's now easy.

First of all, have a look at the AS factsheets, there's lots of valuable info there.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/factsheets

The test your parents are having is probably the mmse, which is the standard test for AD, it's not really scary, but if possible don't let your parents get worried in advance. They'll probably have a scan, too, to assess the damage to the brain.

After that, when you have a diagnosis, (or even before), you should ring social services to ask for an assessment for your parents, and a carers' assessment for yourself. You'll find out that way what help you are entitled to.

That's enough to be going on with, just post if ther's anything specific you want to know.

Good luck,

 

[Willowgill]

Hi - thank you so much for your replies. rhallacroz your mum sounds very like mine - she has 2 hearing aids but will only wear one in case someone sees her. At 88 I can't get it through to her that it really doesn't matter!

I know I should be very thankful that both my parents have got the ages they are and only just started to suffer with health problems - I think this makes it harder to cope with for them. I will contact the GP again this week and arrange for them to have the tests done and take things from there.

It's good to know there is somewhere I can come to for advice.

Thanks

 

[mollieblue]

Hi, am so sorry that you and your hubby are going through this with not one but both parents. The carrying loads of cash has been a problem with my mum too in the past. I was clearing out old receipts and rubbish from her hand bag one day and lifed out a box of tights that i thought was empty - checked inside and found over £500 in £20 notes!!!

She was living with my brother at the time and he got her bank account switched to a joint account so he could lift small amounts of cash and give her it when she needed it. She quickly got used to just asking him for money - the way she used to when my dad was alive!