I am so sorry to read this Pam . It's so tough for you both . Hoping GP can come up with a solution . Sending special love to you both xxxxxx
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Loved ones in a Care Home.
- Thread starter pamann
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I am so sorry to read this Pam . It's so tough for you both . Hoping GP can come up with a solution . Sending special love to you both xxxxxx
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Loved One in Care Home
My Mum has been in a care home now since December 2014, I won't gloss over it, it has been a terribly distressing time, for both of us. Me feeling guilty and her telling me how awful a daughter I am. the constant wanting to go home ( I have posted comments before) doesn't go away, although its less and less, she will raise it and then tell herself/me she will go tomorrow or get cross with me and say, regardless of what your plans are, I will go home tomorrow. she has good days and bad days, these days she is a little more settled. The lovely care manager of the home gave me some sound advice, she told me I had to step into Mum's reality rather than try and bring her into mine. I do this often, agree with Mum that she has been out shopping or been on a coach trip or just off the train, even when she calls me and says she is at London Bridge, shall she wait for me? I know where is she, of course, so I just say yes, see if you can find somewhere to grab a coffee. It usually works. Some evenings are distressing, when she thinks she is in a high street, when she is actually standing in a corridor of the home. Often what helps ( not always ) is to ask her slowly to describe her surroundings, or prompt her by saying, is there a chair, television, bed, pictures, something that she can recognise and slowly you can draw her back to her actual surroundings. doesn't always work and she will call the Police and say she is being held captive. She threatened that recently at the A&E department to the junior doctor treating her, that she would call the police on him as he was keeping her captive. Really all any of us can do with our loved one in care, especially if they have dementia is just do what they can each day to make them smile, talk to them about their life, talk to the other residents and make them feel special. I take cakes in or biscuits or ice creams for my Mum and the other residents and staff, try and make it a happy place. Mum is lucky her home has a cafe/bar area as well as a hairdressing salon. the cafe/bar area is great for small snacks, salads, sandwiches and has a full license, so the residents can enjoy a glass of wine or beer or cheeky G&T. Mum will feel she has gone out, when we pop in here. good luck
My Mum has been in a care home now since December 2014, I won't gloss over it, it has been a terribly distressing time, for both of us. Me feeling guilty and her telling me how awful a daughter I am. the constant wanting to go home ( I have posted comments before) doesn't go away, although its less and less, she will raise it and then tell herself/me she will go tomorrow or get cross with me and say, regardless of what your plans are, I will go home tomorrow. she has good days and bad days, these days she is a little more settled. The lovely care manager of the home gave me some sound advice, she told me I had to step into Mum's reality rather than try and bring her into mine. I do this often, agree with Mum that she has been out shopping or been on a coach trip or just off the train, even when she calls me and says she is at London Bridge, shall she wait for me? I know where is she, of course, so I just say yes, see if you can find somewhere to grab a coffee. It usually works. Some evenings are distressing, when she thinks she is in a high street, when she is actually standing in a corridor of the home. Often what helps ( not always ) is to ask her slowly to describe her surroundings, or prompt her by saying, is there a chair, television, bed, pictures, something that she can recognise and slowly you can draw her back to her actual surroundings. doesn't always work and she will call the Police and say she is being held captive. She threatened that recently at the A&E department to the junior doctor treating her, that she would call the police on him as he was keeping her captive. Really all any of us can do with our loved one in care, especially if they have dementia is just do what they can each day to make them smile, talk to them about their life, talk to the other residents and make them feel special. I take cakes in or biscuits or ice creams for my Mum and the other residents and staff, try and make it a happy place. Mum is lucky her home has a cafe/bar area as well as a hairdressing salon. the cafe/bar area is great for small snacks, salads, sandwiches and has a full license, so the residents can enjoy a glass of wine or beer or cheeky G&T. Mum will feel she has gone out, when we pop in here. good luck
Hello chrisse It sounds like your Mum is in a very nice care home, it is hard to visit our loved ones when they are being difficult, my husband is always going to call the police, we just have to agree with them, they soon forget about what they are going to do. My husbands CH is very good, the staff are very caring, he has good periods and bad, we are going through a bad time now, today has been a little better, he is calmer than the last few days, we are doing the best we can for them.
I'm glad to hear there's been a little improvement today. However small, it must be a comfort to you. Stay strong sweetie xxx
Thank you Scarlett, this morning Ed was very tearful, he has always been an emotional person, he thought he would never see me again, he was so pleased to see me this afternoon, if only he would go to bed his legs would get better, he hasn't been to bed for year. I just take everyday as it comes, when l was a young girl my father told me life is like a rocky road, it has its ups and downs, how true that is.
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Just caught up, pam. Am so sorry you and Ed are having such a bad time at the moment. Can only tell you I understand how you feel and there was a day recently when my visit only lasted for about 30 mins too. I'm sure you have days like me too when your stomach sinks at the thought of how today's visit might be but, as you say, I will be there for him until the end (if he goes before me!). I hope Ed gets calmer soon and your visits impove. Sending loving hugs. Verityxx
PS Your mother's CH sounds excellent too, chrissie. They don't serve alcohol in Fred's but could always take some in for a special occasion.
PS Your mother's CH sounds excellent too, chrissie. They don't serve alcohol in Fred's but could always take some in for a special occasion.
Hope today will be a better one for you and Ed . Much love to you both Pam xxxxxx
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Just caught up with this thread. So sorry Pam that you've had some bad days with Ed, just as things seemed to be settling down. I know exactly how you feel, having gone through similar times with my husband, although he doesn't try to escape. I so wish your poor Ed would sleep in a bed to improve his legs. I was in despair when my OH didnt, but he mostly does now and his legs are back to normal. Luckily he didnt develop cellulitus.
I am going away on Sunday for a week to house-sit for his son, and after visiting yesterday, when he seemed very down and unsettled and kept saying he wanted to get out of there, I am very anxious about going. He seemed to be aware more of where he was and kept saying "this place is not for me". Logic tells me the minute I have left him he will have forgotten I've been, but it doesn't stop me worrying and feeling bad.
I hope you have a better day with Ed today, and the medication eases his mind.
I am going away on Sunday for a week to house-sit for his son, and after visiting yesterday, when he seemed very down and unsettled and kept saying he wanted to get out of there, I am very anxious about going. He seemed to be aware more of where he was and kept saying "this place is not for me". Logic tells me the minute I have left him he will have forgotten I've been, but it doesn't stop me worrying and feeling bad.
I hope you have a better day with Ed today, and the medication eases his mind.
I remember Pam , so hope it will be better today xxxxx
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I just can't face visiting mum today. I've been massively busy and stressed at work - trips to London, Manchester and then London again all in a week. I don't seem to have eaten anything that wasn't in a snack pack! Daughter home from uni today and she is ill, and tired.
I'd told mum I wouldn't be in to see her for a few days as I was going away - but I'm back now and I can't face going in. She probably won't remember that I was away, either so will be cross when she sees me. I know she is well looked after, but I feel so guilty.
I'd told mum I wouldn't be in to see her for a few days as I was going away - but I'm back now and I can't face going in. She probably won't remember that I was away, either so will be cross when she sees me. I know she is well looked after, but I feel so guilty.
Hi Moonflower
I appreciate what you mean - I try to organise my trips away so I don't miss my days with dad
however
he and your mum are both safe and sound - and one day is pretty much as any other - so take today for yourself - no guilt; you need to breathe - and if she'll be cross, well let her be cross tomorrow a day's delay won't have a major impact
daughter needs you - make her day
I appreciate what you mean - I try to organise my trips away so I don't miss my days with dad
however
he and your mum are both safe and sound - and one day is pretty much as any other - so take today for yourself - no guilt; you need to breathe - and if she'll be cross, well let her be cross tomorrow a day's delay won't have a major impact
daughter needs you - make her day
Thanks Shedrech
I was working it out - between Mum and Dad I've been running round trying to support them for over 15 years. You'd think I'd have got the guilt under control by now!
I was working it out - between Mum and Dad I've been running round trying to support them for over 15 years. You'd think I'd have got the guilt under control by now!
Hello Moonflower, you must think of yourself and your daughter, l was working full time, had 2 teenage boys, arranging carer's for my mother, mother.in.law with Alzheimers, please don't feel guilty, your mother will be ok, l am sure she won't know how long it is since your visit, l know you will worry, l did, but there is only so much you can do. Take care of yourself.
My husband has been to sleep all day, he woke up at 5pm, he started getting upset when he saw me, told me he was never going to leave me again, after 2hrs he started to get very agitated so l made my exit when he was distracted, not a good visit. Tomorrow l face another day.
