Dealing with unhelpful public.

mumbasi

Registered User
Sep 1, 2013
111
0
I don't know what title to put on this post, so just writing it in the hope that I get inspiration. How do those with dementia and carers of those with dementia deal with unhelpful attitudes from members of public. For example in supermarket check outs when my sister is having problems putting all groceries on the conveyor, sometimes she puts some on and then pushes the rest through in the trolley and the person behind her has already put their groceries on and I have to manoeuvre my way in to put rest of groceries where they should be. The person behind starts muttering and complaining to the person they are with and I just bubble up inside. We always go to the same checkout operator on the same day about the same time and she is aware of difficulties and lovely. It is just the others. I feel like telling them that my sister has dementia, but my sister obviously would be horrified as she calls it extreme stress.
Deaf people wear hearing aids or use sign language so we are aware, people with sight impairment often have a white stick or dark glasses or a dog so we are aware. Is there a case for those with cognitive impairment to wear something that makes people aware, although I hate labels of any kind, or am I being irrational?
I wonder whether the wearing of forget-me-not jewellery a badge or a brooch?
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
By and large I find that strangers are terrific in dealing with my husband. The occasional person who has been difficult I feel quite sorry for because they are so cut off from human feeling.

Here I admit to my own failing - we have various people with mental health issues around our local shopping mall and I am patient with any I come across except for one excessively stinky man. It is obvious he has issues yet I cannot bear to be near him so maybe we just have our own limitations on what we can deal with.
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,837
0
England
Don't expect rude and inconsiderate people to be remotely interested in your life. I can remember when groups of people with learning difficulties started to appear in shops with their carers, being helped to be more independent. Many times I heard people say loudly that 'they' shouldn't be allowed out / should be locked up / or just made them feel sick because they looked 'wrong'. :(:mad:

Hold your head high. Your sister is doing her best, and so are you. Politely ask the person to move their groceries out of the way. If they tut or refuse, just wait with a patient understanding smile until they comply. If they don't, then tell them they are holding up the queue. :D It's their problem, not yours, and it's not your job to educate them about disability.

P.S. A practical tip: stand behind your sister and put a 2nd divider on the belt, as if you were doing your own separate shopping. Put a large shopping bag on the conveyor belt between the two dividers. No-one is going to be rude enough to move your bag, so you've reserved extra space on the belt in case your sister forgets to load all her shopping.
 
Last edited:

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
The Alzheimer's Society give out little cards that say something like "I have dementia. Please be understanding" but you could always make your own and just explain in a few sentences that they need to be patiet with the person you're with. Then hand it out discreetly. It might just shame some people into better behaviour.
 

Dothedealnow

Account Closed
Jun 4, 2016
96
0
Another thought

Instead of shopping in a supemarket, what about a home delivery? Then use the time you have saved to go out for a coffee and a cake? I know which I'd prefer!

Supermarkets are stressful, noisy and folks are not always on their best behaviour and are often under time pressure. I include myself in this. Hateful places, cant wait to get out of them and if someone is in my way, they'll get both barrels, although if they are elderly or disabled I may just suck my teeth and tut a lot.

Another thought, why not suggest to your local supermarket a Dementia morning? I recall this was recently done for autism?
 

onlyme1

Registered User
Sep 10, 2011
105
0
scarborough
when our local Dementia Alliance action group have come across less than helpful staff members in shops, managers are approached with a view to becoming Dementia Friends. this seems to help.
 

mumbasi

Registered User
Sep 1, 2013
111
0
Thanks for that tip Katrine. I will try and do that with a bag. I usually put my shopping through first and had not thought of doing that.
Don't expect rude and inconsiderate people to be remotely interested in your life. I can remember when groups of people with learning difficulties started to appear in shops with their carers, being helped to be more independent. Many times I heard people say loudly that 'they' shouldn't be allowed out / should be locked up / or just made them feel sick because they looked 'wrong'. :(:mad:

Hold your head high. Your sister is doing her best, and so are you. Politely ask the person to move their groceries out of the way. If they tut or refuse, just wait with a patient understanding smile until they comply. If they don't, then tell them they are holding up the queue. :D It's their problem, not yours, and it's not your job to educate them about disability.

P.S. A practical tip: stand behind your sister and put a 2nd divider on the belt, as if you were doing your own separate shopping. Put a large shopping bag on the conveyor belt between the two dividers. No-one is going to be rude enough to move your bag, so you've reserved extra space on the belt in case your sister forgets to load all her shopping.
 

mumbasi

Registered User
Sep 1, 2013
111
0
Thanks Beate, good idea.
The Alzheimer's Society give out little cards that say something like "I have dementia. Please be understanding" but you could always make your own and just explain in a few sentences that they need to be patiet with the person you're with. Then hand it out discreetly. It might just shame some people into better behaviour.
 

mumbasi

Registered User
Sep 1, 2013
111
0
My sister loves to go to the supermarket as she bumps into many people she knows and who she has worked with, so it is also a social outing for her. If I arranged a home delivery I am afraid that she would see it being a confirmation of another thing she is unable to do. Actually we are not coffee and cake people, but regularly go for a curry and a pint.

Instead of shopping in a supemarket, what about a home delivery? Then use the time you have saved to go out for a coffee and a cake? I know which I'd prefer!

Supermarkets are stressful, noisy and folks are not always on their best behaviour and are often under time pressure. I include myself in this. Hateful places, cant wait to get out of them and if someone is in my way, they'll get both barrels, although if they are elderly or disabled I may just suck my teeth and tut a lot.

Another thought, why not suggest to your local supermarket a Dementia morning? I recall this was recently done for autism?
 

mumbasi

Registered User
Sep 1, 2013
111
0
We haven't had any issues with staff, they are most helpful and considerate. I think they must have had some awareness training. But I will keep that in mind. Thanks.

when our local Dementia Alliance action group have come across less than helpful staff members in shops, managers are approached with a view to becoming Dementia Friends. this seems to help.
 

mancmum

Registered User
Feb 6, 2012
404
0
Lidl stinks

I only had a few things but the woman at the till kept telling my father to move away because he was blocking the till. He probably never even heard her he was so focused on trying to help me put stuff in the bag. He;s 84 and its immediately apparent that he going to be slower than everyone else. The time that it would have taken to move him away would have been longer than the time of putting three things in a bag.

What took the biscuit for me was one group we were attending when the person form the organisation running the group handed out leaflets saying the activity was for people with Dementia and their carers. My Dad does not now remember his diagnosis.

I am afraid I went back and explained to her why her behaviour was inappropriate.

On the other hand ..had good experience at Jodrell Bank and Chatsworth House when in getting essential carer tickets
 

Dothedealnow

Account Closed
Jun 4, 2016
96
0
My sister loves to go to the supermarket as she bumps into many people she knows and who she has worked with, so it is also a social outing for her. If I arranged a home delivery I am afraid that she would see it being a confirmation of another thing she is unable to do. Actually we are not coffee and cake people, but regularly go for a curry and a pint.

Curry and a pint or five swiftly followed by a kebab if im a little peckisk still on the way home is far more my style as well. Guess an appointment with the store manager is in order to see what they can do without making the experience abnormal!
I like the flower idea, maybe you could put that idea to the store manager and see if he could speak to his national management? The media coverage alone would make it worth doing!
 
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Hermes

Registered User
Oct 8, 2014
17
0
I took my Mum out from her care home to the local supermarket today for a coffee today. She doesn't have a Blue badge but does get breathless. So parking in the parent and child parking bay suited us fine. Close to the entrance and wide bays!
 

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,694
0
Auckland...... New Zealand
Grocery shopping is one of the few things that Mum can do and enjoys, but not without increasing difficulty over the years.
I try and go at the same time on the same day, to get some of the older checkout staff who know Mum and I.
I used to go to the checkout opposite Mum, but when she started putting groceries in the trolley or her handbag before the checkout operator had scanned them, or after they had been scanned she put them back on the conveyor belt, I now go in the same checkout aisle. More recently she has forgotten her PIN, so to make things easier, I pay and transfer the money later.
I haven't yet encountered any rude or intolerant people, but I imagine there will always be a first. Most people can see Mums difficulties, and how I am trying to help, so eye contact with them and a smile is often met back with a smile.
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,804
0
Ireland
I only had a few things but the woman at the till kept telling my father to move away because he was blocking the till. He probably never even heard her he was so focused on trying to help me put stuff in the bag. He;s 84 and its immediately apparent that he going to be slower than everyone else. The time that it would have taken to move him away would have been longer than the time of putting three things in a bag.

What took the biscuit for me was one group we were attending when the person form the organisation running the group handed out leaflets saying the activity was for people with Dementia and their carers. My Dad does not now remember his diagnosis.

I am afraid I went back and explained to her why her behaviour was inappropriate.

On the other hand ..had good experience at Jodrell Bank and Chatsworth House when in getting essential carer tickets


Good for you Mamcmum. Heaven help anyone who was rude to OH. Never happened with any staff, just rude customers

Aosling
 

Otiruz

Registered User
Nov 28, 2015
253
0
Kent
Curry and a pint or five swiftly followed by a kebab if im a little peckisk still on the way home is far more my style as well. Guess an appointment with the store manager is in order to see what they can do without making the experience abnormal!
I like the flower idea, maybe you could put that idea to the store manager and see if he could speak to his national management? The media coverage alone would make it worth doing!

Your style made me lol - mind you 10.30 am is a little early!;)
 

Otiruz

Registered User
Nov 28, 2015
253
0
Kent
I don't know what title to put on this post, so just writing it in the hope that I get inspiration. How do those with dementia and carers of those with dementia deal with unhelpful attitudes from members of public. For example in supermarket check outs when my sister is having problems putting all groceries on the conveyor, sometimes she puts some on and then pushes the rest through in the trolley and the person behind her has already put their groceries on and I have to manoeuvre my way in to put rest of groceries where they should be. The person behind starts muttering and complaining to the person they are with and I just bubble up inside. We always go to the same checkout operator on the same day about the same time and she is aware of difficulties and lovely. It is just the others. I feel like telling them that my sister has dementia, but my sister obviously would be horrified as she calls it extreme stress.
Deaf people wear hearing aids or use sign language so we are aware, people with sight impairment often have a white stick or dark glasses or a dog so we are aware. Is there a case for those with cognitive impairment to wear something that makes people aware, although I hate labels of any kind, or am I being irrational?
I wonder whether the wearing of forget-me-not jewellery a badge or a brooch?

I wish I had a pound for every time I stuck an obviously false smile on my face and told whoever that "we really appreciate your kindness and patience......"
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,804
0
Ireland
My sister loves to go to the supermarket as she bumps into many people she knows and who she has worked with, so it is also a social outing for her. If I arranged a home delivery I am afraid that she would see it being a confirmation of another thing she is unable to do. Actually we are not coffee and cake people, but regularly go for a curry and a pint.


Your sister has every right to enjoy shopping. It is great that she enjoys it. If a smile didn't do the trick with rude customers, then I would tell OH to take his time!! Why on earth should we carry cards etc? Keep enjoying your shopping trips with your sister and don't allow rude people to spoil things for you. Let them wait. On a positive side I always find children and teenagers excellent.

Am not really a coffee and cakes person either! Enjoy your curry and pint.


Aisling
 

Grable

Registered User
May 19, 2015
215
0
When the PIN becomes a problem, it is possible to get a 'chip and signature' card. These work exactly as an ordinary card, but when the PIN is usually asked for, the till operator is prompted to ask for a signature instead.

It took me a while to get Mum such a card - the lady in our branch of Santander tried to tell me that their bank didn't do them. My reply was that, if they don't, they are acting illegally and I'd need to discuss with the Manager whether or not to pursue this in the courts. Needless to say, the rather unhelpful 'assistant' suddenly became very helpful, made a phone call and discovered that they do actually do these things (as do all banks, by law!).

Unfortunately, Mum's no longer able to remember how to write her name much of the time, so we can't use the card anymore - but it gave her an extra year or so of relative independence.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,725
0
My sister loves to go to the supermarket as she bumps into many people she knows and who she has worked with, so it is also a social outing for her. If I arranged a home delivery I am afraid that she would see it being a confirmation of another thing she is unable to do. Actually we are not coffee and cake people, but regularly go for a curry and a pint.

Oh I so agree - there were no home deliveries for us either, it brought a sense of normality into mum's life even when she really wasn't managing well. Towards the end we used to go about 8 in the evening just because crowds were too difficult but that was way down the line. I think it is great that you are keeping everything as normal as possible. It is an important part of educating others too, I think often people genuinely don't realise because it is another 'hidden' disability and not easy to identify for those who have never come across it. A small card is a good idea just to hand to someone (and get it back for the next dipsy lol) and hope that they will be slightly ashamed of themselves or even perhaps more helpful - but perhaps not lol
keep plodding and keep posting xx
 

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