So bizarre !

[jugglingmum]

Ps, watching Springwatch Unsprung, I hope you are all following it and Springwatch. I live about 5 miles away, good coffee and cake at Minsmere.

We watched it tonight, looked pretty cold there, not the warmth we've been having.

Knackered has always seemed to be acceptably used as tired in the bit of North West England that I live in. I've heard of knackers used the way Katrine describes but not knackered.

Wasted when I've heard it used has always meant drunk or in rougher contexts high on drugs, never heard it used to mean tired.

Dau home at 8.30, I've dumped the contents of the case she used on her bedroom floor, and put son's stuff in as he leaves at 1.30am. Early night by my standards now.

 

[Slugsta]

I am writing this with my vision blurred by tears - there is a lot of heartbreak in the past few posts!

(((Ann))) I echo the advice to do what you need to in order to get through this. That includes going to the funeral - or not, as you see fit - and taking time to do things that soothe your soul. MIL is safe, warm and fed, I hope that gives you space to look after yourself.

You are not responsible for your mother's behaviour, that includes the way she treated your sisters. It is hard for 'normal' people to accept and understand the depths of others' behaviour, that's why you did not see what was going on.

(((Hugs))) also to JM, Amy,Craigmaid and RedLou, there is a wealth of hurt in your words.

(((RAnne))) I still cannot understand how you can be left to deal with your OH as you are. His distress sounds heartbreaking in itself

Yes, I am very aware that Mum is unlikely to remember whether she is doing her physio exercises - although, she was quite clear that she wasn't bothering with the ones given by the Falls Clinic physio! I told her that getting her wrist moving in warm water would help - she informed me that she had been doing that anyway while she was still in plaster (which I had suspected from things she had said)!

Adult Services were supposed to be in touch within 10 working days - which is up tomorrow. Anyone want to lay bets on when I will actually hear from them?

 

[jugglingmum]

RAnne - hugs - hope you can get some respite soon.

Bathroom news - replacement washbasin arrived today, damaged one taken out and new one fitted, all in the space of an hour so when silicon dries (by morning) we will have a functioning but part decorated bathroom. Hurrah. Well shower not connected yet, but kids can do their teeth in there now.

Very hot here again, managed longest ride of the year, still not fully over the virus I had in Jan, and riding starting to go well, but not recovering well yet.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Very sorry, Ann, to read of your Mum's death, and the sad story of your broken relationship latterly. Knowing what I do of you, that last decision must have been so very hard for you. Time heals, they say, and you will be able to go back to memories of happier times, I hope. Thinking of you, and sending a hug....

 

[Spamar]

Still not warm! Misty at the moment, though we are promised 21C by late am!

 

[Ann Mac]

OK - tears tripping me as I read a lot of these posts - huge {{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} to JM, Amy, Maureen and Red, and to all of you who have had such sad family experiences. And a big thank you for sharing - once again, there is so much comfort in knowing that others have weathered what you have and are going through.

Everything is oddly surreal here. I have all the kids at home (plus oldests' other half staying for the weekend) and it's simply life as normal, which somehow feels wrong. Yet I can't expect (and in reality, don't want) the kids to be devastated. My Mum's behaviour ensured that as they grew older they tended to naturally not want to spend a lot of time with her, as the kids themselves have said, 'Gran was only interested in herself - she didn't really want to know about us, anyway'. So its completely understandable that they are not heartbroken or dreadfully upset, but in the middle of us all sitting round the table chatting, or when the kids propose a day out or doing something nice, part of me feels awfully sad that there is no real grief and that they won't actually miss her presence in their lives. And that its wrong that we are all going on without really acknowledging that Mum has died - I keep thinking that I too should be feeling grief-stricken and desperately sad, almost wishing I could - but all that's there is sadness and regret that I can't and don't feel like that.

I have no idea still when the funeral is. Step dad has tried a few times to get me to either try and contact the so called 'Christian' sister, or to try and persuade the other sister who lives locally to come to the funeral - I've said to him that those are the two things that I can't and won't do. I fully understand why one won't come, given how badly Mum treated her over the years and I am not going to pressure her. As for the 'Christian' sister - well, there is nothing 'Christian' about her in reality, and as I've said to Step-dad, once she knows, like her Mum, she will make it all about her and do nothing but critcise and kick off about what she wants. She has been very vocal in the past about how she believes that all of us are destined for Hell and Damnation because we are not (in her eyes) 'Christians' - she shouted loudly about that when Mum had a brush with cancer, 16 years ago, going so far as to give Mum's phone number and address to a particularly fanatical member of her church, who then proceded to bombard Mum with letters telling her to 'repent and find God' as she might now be dying and would otherwise find herself 'burning in the fires of hell' (Yes, honestly!) - I can only imagine what she might say or do now Mum is dead, and am seriously worry about the likely hurt she will cause step dad and my brother, if she decides to turn up to the funeral - which I think she is likely to do. It wouldn't be like her to miss a chance to try for centre stage and make it all about her and her religion . However, step dad really feels that she should be contacted and I assume that its because I won't 'help' with that, that I'm left waiting in vain for promised phone calls and information. Well, either that or because it seems that a lot of time is being spent drowning their sorrows and they have possibly been too drunk most evenings to remember to phone - I'm more than half expecting a drunken and abusive call at some point, from either step dad or brother - and just hope that I have the sense to put the phone down without responding if it does happen. Perhaps because I can't grieve for her the way I think I should, it feels very important that no matter what anyone else does, that I behave in a way that is at least respectful to Mum, and that won't give me cause for regret at a later date.

The hardest thing remains dealing with what my other two sisters have told me. Both have pointed out that Mum very deliberately moderated her behaviour towards them when I was around and have made it clear that they don't resent that to a large extent, I got off easier (comparitively) - in fact, one of them has very candidly admitted that it was to their benefit that Mum kept me 'on side' for so long, as it meant that I was the one who dealt with her so that they didn't have to. However, what they have said has been the thing that has kept me awake, wondering 'Why?' and wishing that I could have done something - though I have no idea what. The sheer bitterness and absolute hatred that poured out of the one sister leaves me with an awful, sickening feeling of sadness, and I find myself saying to my mum 'You stupid, stupid woman - why were you like that?'. No answers of course, the drink made her worse, but there must have been something very broken about her to start with.

OH has been to see Mil a couple of times, and reports that she is completely detached from any sort of reality, confabulations abound every time she opens her mouth, and that although he hasn't seen much agitation, she is still displaying some pretty paranoid thinking - the 'people here' don't like her, are out to get her, say nasty things, keep having a go - different accusations all the time, none making her OTT angry or scared - but still there, all the same. There is a 'meeting' scheduled for next Wednesday - as long as the funeral doesn't clash with that, I am presuming that will be when the hospital raise the issue of discharge again. At the moment, though, I can't even think about that.

Take care, all of you - and again, thank you so much for all the support and the good thoughts. It means such a lot, and you have no idea how much you have all helped xxxxxx

 

[Spamar]

Am I being stupid or something, why doesn't step dad or bro contact your sisters?.
Thinking of you, hope you get through the next few days with minimum fuss!
Still cloudy, but mist has gone. There's hope yet!

 

[RedLou]

Yes, I think the fact they don't want to do it themselves speaks volumes.
So glad are keeping to your own path in all this, Ann - don't feel pressured to deal with anything you don't want to deal with.

My immediate reaction to your kind comment was to feel 'Oh, I didn't have it that bad,' and in many ways I didn't -- my half brother and half sister suffered far more obvious hurts -- but I also know when my OH says those same words, I feel annoyed, as I can see clearly the effect his own childhood had on him. (His family was highly dysfunctional and violent; he is living proof that violent fathers do not necessarily produce violent sons, as he always protected his mother and now his default mechanism is to support/protect the underdog, but he also has less self-confidence and an inability to deal with conflict of any sort. This has held him back in life despite my best efforts.)

Anyway, what I was going to say that is relevant to you is that the death of a parent really makes you think about how they shaped you. I would judge that you have shaped yourself in direct opposition to your mother. But as stated before, you now have to prioritise yourself, which is what you never want to do because that was her modus vivendi. However, for a period at least, you do need to do this. I'm still waking up each morning, thinking and wondering about these issues. Although I'm beginning to achieve a sense of peace, it isn't linear and the progression halts, retreats, moves forward again. Hope this makes sense. x

 

[Amy in the US]

Many hugs to you, Ann.

RedLou's got a lot of insight and wisdom packed into that last post!

First, I want to reiterate that it's very important that you hear us clearly when we say, none of this was your fault. You were a child and it was not your job to be anything other than a child, no matter if the adults weren't behaving like adults.

I think you have to repeat this to yourself, over and over: it wasn't your fault, you weren't responsible, you couldn't have changed the outcome, it wasn't your responsibility. Keep repeating this until it has a chance to sink in.

What is your responsibility is to be a good parent to your own children, and as decent a human being as you can be. From what we have to work with, you've clearly excelled at that. Possibly you've done so, in some way because of your experience with your own mother; it's hard to say, and you may never really know. (Those are deep waters and you may not care to swim there right now.)

I hear that you are experiencing some disconnect between how it seems like things ought to be, and the way things are, when you talk about how you are or aren't feeling, either you on your own and/or you as a family, about your mother's death. That's okay. However, it may not always feel okay, and that can be tricky.

A smart person I know says that big occasions (death, birth, marriage, family gatherings, holidays, anniversaries, whatever) can tend to, understandably, engender a lot of emotions. What we don't always expect is that they can stir up emotions/memories we weren't expecting. If you think of a pot of vegetable soup that's been sitting for a long time, and things have settled towards the bottom, you can see that if you just stir it a little, it will be mostly clear broth. The more you stir and the harder you stir, the more bits and pieces will float up from the bottom until you eventually have a maelstrom of carrots and beans and pasta and onions and so forth. Not the best analogy, and a bit silly (and I'm not comparing your feelings to vegetables!), but you get the idea. A lot of the muck from the bottom is getting stirred up. It's a lot to take in, and a lot to process.

But the fact that all your kids are happy to sit around your table, and talk to you and each other, is, I think, proof that you and Mr Mac have done a more than reasonable job with your own family. I know that may not help much in the moment when you feel upset or disjointed, but I think that it's still a very positive thing and hope it offers you some comfort, at some point.

In the meantime, I am sorry you are feeling sad and regretful and upset and all that. You may be, in part, mourning not your mother so much as the relationship you never had with her, and of course her death puts paid to any hope of that relationship. And this additional information from your sisters can't help but colour how you view her behaviour, and how you examine your own memories.

Please disregard anything I've said if it's not helpful or is just upsetting. And please accept my apologies for anything distressing I've written.

I have no suggestions about the "Christian" sister, except what you already know, which is to avoid her, and to say I am sorry.

I'm also sorry that stepdad can't communicate better, as clearly a little more information would be helpful. My only thought there is that if there is a funeral home or church or cemetery or other organization that is likely to be involved in the arrangements, that perhaps you could contact them directly for information about the service/burial/funeral.

In the meantime, I think you should screen your calls and just not answer the phone if it's not a number you know/want to talk to, or have Mister Mac take the calls. You certainly don't need any of that right now.

Hope your hip is okay and please don't feel obligated to visit MIL; she is being looked after and you have an awful lot to deal with. Please be kind to yourself. We are all very concerned for you.

 

[Slugsta]

Ann, there have been some very wise words written on this topic. Especially recently and especially, but not exclusively, from RL and Amy. I don't have anything to add, other than to say I hope you can find some peace in your heart somehow.

I had a call from Adult Services yesterday to say that Mum has not yet been allocated a worker as they are too busy. They will get to her eventually and I am to contact them again if the situation deteriorates. I think I will have to try one of the lockable dispenser devices as I cannot just let things go on as they are.

No heatwave here although it has felt a bit muggy at times today.

 

[jugglingmum]

I had a call from Adult Services yesterday to say that Mum has not yet been allocated a worker as they are too busy. They will get to her eventually and I am to contact them again if the situation deteriorates.

And that is how they meet their 10 day target.

I know HMRC have to reply to us within 28 days, so we get a letter written bang on the date, saying they are busy and will respond in about 3 months.

Very humid here today and I am trying to get gardening done. I'm having to sit in the shade in the breeze to cool down every so often, getting hotter next week it says with dau having exams all week.

 

[IzzyJ]

Oh my goodness, RedLou and Amy in the US, you have written so wisely and thoughtfully, and I wish I had been able to read your posts when my mother died. So many parallels with AnnMac, and I really feel so much in sympathy with how you are at the moment. We also had a very delayed funeral because of a sister who was all about herself, regardless of what it did to the rest of the family (and even meant a couple of family who wanted to be there couldn't). Something RedLou wrote particularly struck home for me: the "less self confidence and an inability to deal with conflict of any sort" description fits me exactly, but AnnMac, you head straight into conflict with all guns!

The bottom line is, again, that you AnnMac, demonstrate every time you write what kind of person you have made yourself, regardless of parental influence, attitude and behaviour. The fact that so many of us rely, yes, rely, on what you share with us is simple proof of that. Don't let any spurious feelings of what you think you ought to feel (that hardly makes sense) trip you up. Your family are all incredibly grounded, and all praise to you all for that.

 

[tigerlady]

The bottom line is, again, that you AnnMac, demonstrate every time you write what kind of person you have made yourself, regardless of parental influence, attitude and behaviour. The fact that so many of us rely, yes, rely, on what you share with us is simple proof of that. Don't let any spurious feelings of what you think you ought to feel (that hardly makes sense) trip you up. Your family are all incredibly grounded, and all praise to you all for that.

Ann, I just had to quote Izzy. I just couldn't think of a response to your incredibly sad tale and Izzy summed it up beautifully. I have never come across anything like the family life you experienced. I am in even more awe of you than I was before, if thats possible. You are an amazing woman and you have a wonderful family -remember that during all the stressful days you have to face. xxxxxx

 

[Batsue]

Thinking of you Ann, surround yourself with the people who love and care for you, you cannot change the past or the way your mum behaved xx.

 

[Slugsta]

Thinking of you Ann, surround yourself with the people who love and care for you, you cannot change the past or the way your mum behaved xx.

Wise words!

Yes, I was aware of the 'game playing' when I was contacted by Adult Services on the 10th day. Except that it's not a game when people's health is at stake!

Yesterday was pretty humid here. Today is bright and sunny but not unbearably hot.

Sending you all love and hugs xxx

 

[Spamar]

The day took its time, but was sunny and warm most of the time. Thank goodness. Squirrels having a good time, eating all the bird food. A new plate thing that keeps the squirrels off the feeders is needed, I think. Shopping tomorrow!

 

[jugglingmum]

Very hot here today, due to be hotter tomorrow. I seem to have acclimatised a bit.

With son in France, I got out on bike, views were fab, 3 big climbs, all with fab views, round trip of over 60 miles to Ruthin as far point. Cake and cold drink in an ancient settlement of Llanarmon yn Ial, church dates to 13th century built on site of 5th century church (sat and read this whilst eating cake).

Ann - hope you are OK, and caring for yourself, and kids and enjoying the fab weather.

 

[Slugsta]

Ruthin brings back memories JM. I grew up in the West Midlands and often went to visit an 'aunt' Ruth in north Wales. When we took Grandad with us, as we saw the signs for Ruthin he would always say 'I hope Ruth is in' and we would all laugh dutifully!
Glad that you had a god day, hope you are really getting back to normal after your virus.

It has been bright and dry here but not too hot - which suits me fine. Little* cat is not well though. Took her to the vet yesterday morning and, having had several conversations with emergency vet today, need to phone first thing tomorrow for another vet appointment

It is one of a few phone calls I need to make tomorrow - including Memory Clinic to see if they can offer any help with Mum's meds.

Wishing you all a good week - especially you, Ann.

* Little in size, she is 14 - 15 years old.

 

[Ann Mac]

Hi everyone,

Once again, I can only say thank you for all the support - you are all just amazing, and you have absolutely no idea how much you help, especially with all the wise advice - I really am listening, and you guys are giving me the strength to stick to my guns and do what's right for me and my family (i.e., OH and the kids). There is a fair bit of attempted 'guilt tripping' and manipulation going on with step dad and brother - I'm staying strong in no small part thanks to all of you xxxxx.

Slugsta, that sort of underhand trick, with adult services, is just so blooming typical - as you say, its messing with people's lives, but as long as it looks like they are following the rules on paper, they seem to think that makes it acceptable

Spamar, Step Dad and brother want me to do the contacting because of, I guess, the old habit of 'Ann can sort it out' - as the oldest daughter, that was my 'mantle' for many years. If its tricky, if its difficult - phone or call Ann. Mum, step dad and brother followed that mantra for an awful lot of years. I think with step dad, appearances matter, and he really feels its important that the two sisters who live locally should be there at the funeral. Hence the pressure on me to get them there - but, I'm not bending or bowing to the pressure, because I really don't think its the right thing to do.

I'm still being 'kept dangling' as regards getting information - its partly because I'm not caving in to the demands to get my sisters to 'fall in line', but there is also an element of 'Well - you weren't around for the last two years' so an implied why should they bother to keep me in the loop now. Step dad made a point of letting me know that I am to have no say in any of the 'arrangements' - but although I am ticked off that all many years I did spend at their beck and call apparently count for nothing, overall, I am OK with that - as OH says, if I was to become heavily involved now, then afterwards I could well find myself back in the situation where they (i.e. Step Dad and brother) are once again in the habit of depending on me. I neither want nor need that. I am bothered that some aspects of what I know were Mum's wishes are not being followed, but I have already accepted that there is little I can do about that - they are having her cremated, I've been told, even though she had an almost morbid fear of the idea and said repeatedly that she wanted to be buried. They have decided that the priority is for her to be with her own Mother, and the only way she can be interred with her is cremation, no matter how much Mum hated the idea. I've tactfully reminded them of what Mum herself said she wanted, got the response that they have decided this is the 'best way' - and I backed off. They will do what they want to do, and its simply pointless me pressing the issue. I think its wrong that her wishes are not being respected, no matter how difficult my relationship with her was, but that's just something I will live with, knowing that it wasn't my decision and that there is nothing I can do to change it.

Meanwhile, I visited Mil for the first time in nearly a week yesterday. I felt I should, as OH says she has asked for me, and I also wanted to once again chase up the lack of laundry coming home - not that I had much luck there, though! Mil was really pleased to see me, greeted me very warmly but again, she was very sure that she was either in school or working in a holiday camp. She talked about her 'chores' and difficult guests and dirty chalets and 'children in my class' who have done this or said that. Really easy to just go along with her though, which is a big change from pre-admission. However, still the 'tales' of awful behaviour about the staff and other patients - one male patient was pointed out as MIl being afraid of him, as she says she has seen him 'wrestle others to the floor and beat them up'. Another man 'turns nasty' and punches people in the face, and a member of staff was pointed out as 'always talking' about Mil behind her back. A new lady is on the ward, and I could see that Mil found her very annoying too - she tends to get up and sort of 'stomp' round in a circle, before sitting again. Mil pointed at her, and told me she was a 'bloody nutter' who gets on her nerves - her tone was quite nasty, enough that I mentioned it to OH when I got home, saying that Mil really disliked this woman, and that I hope the staff keep them apart. OH had also noted Mil's attitude a day or so before and agreed. And last night, the phone rang, and it was the ward telling OH that Mil had been in an altercation with this very lady - not sure of all the details, but it seems like Mil was the one who provoked the 'row', and OH was told that the hospital were issuing a POVA against Mil. I'll be phoning today to see what that means exactly - we are due to go to a meeting on Wednesday, which we think was aimed at starting to look at Mil being discharged. Not quite sure what impact the latest will have on that

The weather here is just gorgeous, yesterday we hit 26 degrees with blazing sunshine, and its forecast for very similar for the next week or so. Lots of dog walks and gardening, which I'm finding very soothing, I must admit.

Take care everyone, and once again - thank you xxxxx

 

[RedLou]

--They actually haven't sorted her out at all, have they? & surely the POVA makes it easier for you to argue that they shouldn't discharge her to your home. You have children at home. She goes to day care. If she's violent enough for a POVA, she could be even more of a danger in a situation in which there is not a high ratio of very expert staff (ha, ha) looking after her at every single moment 24/7 (ha, ha). Hoist 'em by their own petard, Ann.
& I will add - don't feel pressured to go in because OH reports she's asking for you. If you are feeling raw, vulnerable and deep in your own thoughts, ask him not to tell you these things. Dog-walk and garden to your heart's content. Also, look after that hip. Really hate the idea of you having to change bed linen all the time before it's mended.
& a massive well done for keeping stepfather and brother at arm's length. I don't think it has much to do with us -- I think you've been a remarkably sorted-out, compassionate-but-no-one's-fool sort of lady since I first 'met' you on here.