My mother

Jasmine123

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
42
0
Hi,

My mother died early this week, two days after she stopped drinking. I was on holiday in Asia at the time but am coming back for the funeral. At present I don't really feel anything for her death and I have not cried or changed my travel plans. I emailed my friends to tell them and their response was 'I am sorry for your loss, what can we do?' But it feels like i lost my mother so long ago there is no real loss. And there is also nothing that anyone can do. I may have responded differently if my friends had said 'what can I do' when I was struggle to look after my mother on the weekends but now there is nothing anyone can do. Society can cope with the concept of death but maybe not dementia.

It may feel more real when back in the UK and at the funeral. But that in itself I am dreading with all these family friends and friends of my mother who dropped off when she struggled to hold a conversation will come and talk about how much they missed my mother. I may struggle to respond to them sincerely.

I have also tried to put together some memories of her for this funeral but have failed miserably. My memories fall into two categories, ones when she was well and I was a child and teenager or memories of when she was ill. All of the ones when she was well though seem to revolve around me, so I remember her driving me to primary school, or her dropping me off at uni, or forcing me to revise for gcse's. I can't seem to remember her independent of myself when she was well.

I feel my post should be along the lines of 'my dear mother has passed, she is at peace, I am devastated' but truthfully that is not what I feel.

She was only 62 when she died and I am still in my 20s (just!).

Thanks
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
Jasmine you have been greiving for your Mum since the day she got the diagnosis. You feel empty and numb now but later on your dementia Mum will fade as your previous memories slowly come back. Remembering her as caring for you is natural as that is the first thing she did and you cared for her just the same as she regressed.

The positive you have is that she is now free from the dease.

Your family friends didn't understand and their ignorance lead them to do the wrong things. They are now back in territory they understand and want to help you so let them if you want. That is their way of greiving for her.

You may not cry when you arrive back, it may be months before you get to that stage. Your emotions have been numbed so don't expect 'normal'.

I wish you strength for the weeks ahead.
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
Hi Jasmine.
I just wanted to echo Onlyme's post above. I hope you're able to get through what needs doing in next few weeks. You have your Dad, I believe, so I guess just try and support each other. You wrote previously about holidays your Mum had been on - maybe you'll find some inspiration from thinking about them? Travelling seems to be in your family's genes!
 

Babymare01

Registered User
Apr 22, 2015
315
0
Oh Jasmine I also echo Onlyme words - you have been grieving your lovely mum for so long.

With regards to your memories for the funeral just speak of the memories that you love the most, that mean so much to you. It doesn't matter when they happened because they are your memories.

We all grieve so different in so many different ways at different times.

Please take care of yourself and also be kind to self as well.

Sending a hugehug to you xx
 

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
413
0
Glasgow
Hi jasmine, and sincere condolences at the loss of your mother. I understand, as I'm sure many do, of your feelings regarding your mum's friends who 'dropped off' along the way. But you will get thru the funeral, because you are strong. Maybe a lot of your memories are about your mum with You, are because of just that- you were a huge part of her life when she was well. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this at such a young age- forgive me, but you are the age of my children, and I feel for you, so much. I'm absolutely sure your mother would be proud of you, and all you've done, and that you're 'getting out there' in the world- I know I would. I wish you (more) strength to get through. Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Jasmine123

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
42
0
Thank you all for your responses. I am now back in the UK and am taking a couple of days off work for the funeral and recovery from the funeral. I still don't think I could stand up and do an eulogy. As I said, I have lots of memories over the last few years, but I think only my sisters would find these memories pleasant. For instance, when my sister had her baby last year my mum was convinced that she and the baby were having conversations and that the baby was walking around when it was only 2 months old. Anyone else would find it upsetting that a formerly intelligent woman could not understand that new borns can't walk and talk and couldn't remember the name or gender of the baby, but I like these memories. I didn't even mind that she had no idea that she had once had babies of her own.

I am doing a reading instead which I hope to be able to get through.

Maybe the funeral will be ok as will be able to talk to my mums friends and maybe regain an insight into what my mother was like in the past. Also a few of my friends have asked to come which is very nice of them.
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
0
Surrey, UK
I am doing a reading instead which I hope to be able to get through.

Maybe the funeral will be ok as will be able to talk to my mums friends and maybe regain an insight into what my mother was like in the past. Also a few of my friends have asked to come which is very nice of them.

Jasmine, it sounds like a really good idea to do a reading. It takes the pressure off you to find the right words. No-one will think any less of you for not writing/ reading a eulogy.

It's good that you have some friends whom you actually WANT to be there to support you. Would it help you if one or two of your friends could stick with you whilst you face your mother's friends who 'disappeared' when she was alive, you know, the ones you're dreading meeting again? I'm sure they would be pleased to support you. Another idea - maybe it would help you if you practise saying 'Thank you for coming/ for your kindness' in front of the mirror? It will help you to respond appropriately to people without seeming insincere. They won't expect any more from you.

There are no right or wrong emotions to feel. I too lost my mum whilst in my 20s. I remember laughing at a joke made by my cousin, then feeling mortified because I'd laughed in the chapel! But I shouldn't have worried. We need lightness and humour from time to time, even in the darkest of times, otherwise we'd never get through them.

I hope the funeral goes well for you. I'm sure you will be OK. xx
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
So sorry to hear of the loss of your mother, Jasmine. I actually found the day of my husband's funeral and the funeral itself easier than the following day, when just the immediate family went to the grave. I found that, in front of so many people at the funeral, I was able to keep it all together very well and make all the polite noises - it felt as if I wasn't really there - whereas William's eldest daughter was in bits. The following day when it was just family at his grave, however, was completely different. It was after the busy-ness of the funeral was over that it really hit me - so I think you are wise to take a couple of days off. It gives you time to process, and to sit and remember your mum. The loss will always be with you, but the early days can be so harrowing. Thinking of you. xx
 

chrissie121

Registered User
Nov 27, 2013
29
0
Hi,

My mother died early this week, two days after she stopped drinking. I was on holiday in Asia at the time but am coming back for the funeral. At present I don't really feel anything for her death and I have not cried or changed my travel plans. I emailed my friends to tell them and their response was 'I am sorry for your loss, what can we do?' But it feels like i lost my mother so long ago there is no real loss. And there is also nothing that anyone can do. I may have responded differently if my friends had said 'what can I do' when I was struggle to look after my mother on the weekends but now there is nothing anyone can do. Society can cope with the concept of death but maybe not dementia.

It may feel more real when back in the UK and at the funeral. But that in itself I am dreading with all these family friends and friends of my mother who dropped off when she struggled to hold a conversation will come and talk about how much they missed my mother. I may struggle to respond to them sincerely.

I have also tried to put together some memories of her for this funeral but have failed miserably. My memories fall into two categories, ones when she was well and I was a child and teenager or memories of when she was ill. All of the ones when she was well though seem to revolve around me, so I remember her driving me to primary school, or her dropping me off at uni, or forcing me to revise for gcse's. I can't seem to remember her independent of myself when she was well.

I feel my post should be along the lines of 'my dear mother has passed, she is at peace, I am devastated' but truthfully that is not what I feel.

She was only 62 when she died and I am still in my 20s (just!).

Thanks

Hi there

I am so sorry for your loss, particularly as your Mum was so young when you lost her. You summed up your Mother perfectly when you refer to her taking you to school, Uni, advising you to do well in exams. All those things she did for you as a parent, remember those times when you speak about her, how she was caring and kind and supportive. You have so many emotions to deal with, anger, devastation and loss. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to mourn and take support and comfort from friends who want to be there for you. As someone else mentioned they know how to deal with death not dementia. Sadly, that is so true. People don't know what to say or how to respond with this awful illness. Take some comfort she is at peace now and draw strength from loved ones around you. x
 

Jasmine123

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
42
0
Once again thanks for your messages. I survived the funeral. My reading went surprisingly well as I tend to get rather nervous when public speaking but I managed to do my reading slowly and clearly with no mishaps. Lots of people turned up to the funeral, which was nice. Once we were at the wake everyone was really chirpy and joking with each other and I almost wished people could have done more mourning and lamenting her loss. I can't really talk as I wasn't particularly somber but I just felt everyone could have been a bit sadder.

I am now back at work having taken a couple of days off after my holiday and it almost seems like it never happened. I told one friend at work and a member of HR who then told my boss but it seems like only another 3 or so people know. Someone told me today that I looked low and most be having post holiday blues as my holiday was over so he evidently doesn't know. All anyone will do is ask about my holiday before giving me work to do. I assumed I would tell one person and then everyone would know via gossiping but obviously my office isn't much into their gossiping. I just feel like this monumental event has happened but my life just hasn't changed. My friends know but I think they are going on the approach that it is best not to discuss anything as they don't want to get me upset.

I was with some friends at the weekend who were all discussing their remaining grandparents and it just made me feel sad that I had neither grandparents or a mother left and was surprised they were not more sensitive to this.

I realise that this maybe be in the wrong forum now, but seeing as I have started this thread I may as well continue. And I am writing this in part for myself. As my mother dying hasn't seemed to register with my work or even my friends, writing it on here makes it more real.

Thanks
 

100 miles

Registered User
Apr 16, 2015
109
0
Jasmine,

The death of your mother is a hugely important event. Everyone knows that.

I think you should consider asking a friend at work to let people know what has happened. People will be kind. Yes, you may well sob a bit. But that is OK. And easier to deal with now than 6 months down the line. But talking about your loss will help make it real. And you will get some kind words/support of your own. It is a different quality from support within your family where you are all trying to protect each other.

Best wishes

100 miles
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
0
Surrey, UK
Jasmine, do consider asking for a grief counselling service as well. Your GP should be able to help. It really does help to talk with people who will listen to you and will understand. It's a shame that sometimes friends and work colleagues don't know what to say and, perhaps thinking they are doing the best thing, avoiding the topic altogether! Is there a close friend you could confide in?

I'm glad the funeral went well for you. I wish you well in the weeks and months ahead. Do keep posting on here, people will reach out to you and confort you. xx
 

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