Loved ones in a Care Home.

pony-mad

Registered User
May 23, 2014
1,073
0
Mid-Wales
Morning Pam, I'm so sorry that your day was distressing. It is impossible not to take all your husbands distress on board even though he forgets it and moves on. Hope today is better.x


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chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
0
near Folkestone
Oh Pam, so sorry to hear you had such a sad visit. Of corse it stays with you and is so emotional to deal with . Sending warm and gentle hugs xxxxxx


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Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,005
0
72
Dundee
I'm so sorry to hear this Pam. It must be so hard for you. Thinking of you both.
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
0
Kent
Hello Dmac, l am so pleased to be able to help, it gives me strength knowing we can talk to each other about our many ups and downs, my M.in.law had Alzheimers long before my hubby had it, so l new quite alot about this terrible disease, it was so hard when l had to make the decision to put my hubby into care. You will know when the time is right take care
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
0
Kent
Thank you pony, hopefully today will be a good one, we have a resident celebrating his Ruby Wedding Anniversary, we have been invited to a private party at the home, his wife and l have become good friends, l hope it is a lovely day for them, so sad it has to been in a CH for them.
 

truth24

Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
5,725
0
North Somerset
Dear Pam. Thank you for starting this post and for your lovely pm the other day. Sorry I didn't reply. Kept meaning too but, as you know, the days fly by when you are having fun. Some of you may know that Fred has been in hIs CH for nearly 2 years now. He is 86 but looks 10 years younger. His dementia (mixed types) has worsened consIderably In the last few months and visIts are variable, sometimes good and sometimes not, and he sleeps now for a large part if the day. His CH is excellent. Not the smartest of buildings but it is Butterfly accredited and the staff are warm and caring. They do all his personal care and look after him so well. The CH is split into 4 lounges of about 8 residents. Each lounge has its own dedicated team of carers. This makes it all more personal and allows the residents to be familiar with the staff, felIow residents and surroundings, altho of course, the more mobile are allowed to walk around and visit other lounges. Sorry for the long winded description but just wanted to describe a good home for those of you still searching.

Will post my feelings another time as this is already long enough. Suffice it to say that I still mourn for what was. Wishing you all strength in your journey. xx
 

pony-mad

Registered User
May 23, 2014
1,073
0
Mid-Wales
Hi Pam,
I hope you have a lovely party.
My husband is coming to the end of a weeks respite. It is going to become permanent. It is very hard; but seeing him there interacting with his friends and carers, I know it is the best thing for him (and me).
Best wishes Gaynor x


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pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
0
Kent
Thank you Verity, the CH sounds lovely, nice to have 4 lounges, we have 3 but they all like to be together in one which is very large, most of them seem to be asleep most of the time, the conservatory is lovely, it also has air con, most of the visitors use it when they vist. The decorating is almost finished, they have done the whole home, also new lighting, looks really lovely.☺
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
0
Kent
Hello Gaynor, sorry that you are starting this CH journey, most days l enjoy my visits, you get to know all the residents and their family's, l hope all goes well for you. ♡
 

tigerlady

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
427
0
pamann - so sorry you had a bad day yesterday after you made such positiive comments earlier. I know exactly how you feel - you think you're loved one is relatively settled and then something happens to put you in turmoil again :(

truth24 - your husband has been in care the same amount of time as mine - his care home sounds lovely with the teams of carers dedicated to one lounge of 8 people. Although my husbands care home is lovely too, it is in 2 parts of 18 residents but the carers do shifts in both parts so there is no dedicated permanent team for each part, and I do think that having lots of different people giving my OH personal care must make it more stressful for him.

I took him out yesterday for a drive round and a meal in the pub, and for once, when I got back to the home, he didn't ask why we had stopped there, and got out and went in quite happily. However, I could not get him settled, and I had to sneak out while he was angrily walking around the corridors. Such ups and downs :(
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
I'm so sorry you had such a bad day Pam - let's hope today is a better one for you both. I hope you both enjoy the Ruby Anniversary party. xxx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hi Pam, I hope you had a better day today.

Mum has had another infection and was in delirium again, but the antiBs kicked in and she has been a lot better. Life is a real roller-coaster with dementia.
xx
 

Bugsbunny4

Registered User
Nov 6, 2015
80
0
Yorkshire
What a good idea

I would like to start a new thread, there a quite a few of us with loved ones in a CH, as quoted in Bugsbunny's post nobody knows what it is like until it happens to them. My husband has been in care for 8 months, it breaks my heart everyday, he is never out of my mind, although he is now quite settled. Hopefully we can help each other with our problems.

Hi,
Only just seen this thread but yes it's more than hard to have a life friend, partner and husband in a care home. My OH went into care last November so it's now almost 7 months.
He went through a settled time when he seemed quite accepting of his situation but at the moment his sole topic of conversation is about coming home. He becomes very distressed when I visit , crying to come home and be with me all the time. I believe the home he means is where we used to live when we first married, but he is still canny enough to side step the question " where is home" because he says its wherever I am.
The care staff say he is having some very lucid moments when he seems to know exactly what's happening, and then he becomes confused. I guess that's the nature of the condition.
I too drive home on many occasions crying because I feel distressed about leaving him, I feel guilty about not having been able to cope, and I can't bear to see him slowly disappearing. I even wonder sometimes if I had taken him back home after his section and hospital stay if things would have been better for him.
He has confided in the music therapist how he feels and she told me that last week he was very distressed. He just wants me to be happy and has said he has never been good enough for me! He knows he is " losing it" and can't do anything about it. I can't imagine how tormented he must feel
He talks to me about "getting out of the home "and yet as far as I know has never tried to break out. I really want to take him out for a couple of hours but his mobility is worse and also he is becoming more incontinent.
I have been advised not to take him out on my own in case he decides not to get back in the car, and with no family close enough I don't feel I can ask friends to take on that responsibility.
I was told that it would get easier but it doesn't. I just want my lovely man back.
I am heartbroken.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Hi,
Only just seen this thread but yes it's more than hard to have a life friend, partner and husband in a care home. My OH went into care last November so it's now almost 7 months.
He went through a settled time when he seemed quite accepting of his situation but at the moment his sole topic of conversation is about coming home. He becomes very distressed when I visit , crying to come home and be with me all the time. I believe the home he means is where we used to live when we first married, but he is still canny enough to side step the question " where is home" because he says its wherever I am.
The care staff say he is having some very lucid moments when he seems to know exactly what's happening, and then he becomes confused. I guess that's the nature of the condition.
I too drive home on many occasions crying because I feel distressed about leaving him, I feel guilty about not having been able to cope, and I can't bear to see him slowly disappearing. I even wonder sometimes if I had taken him back home after his section and hospital stay if things would have been better for him.
He has confided in the music therapist how he feels and she told me that last week he was very distressed. He just wants me to be happy and has said he has never been good enough for me! He knows he is " losing it" and can't do anything about it. I can't imagine how tormented he must feel
He talks to me about "getting out of the home "and yet as far as I know has never tried to break out. I really want to take him out for a couple of hours but his mobility is worse and also he is becoming more incontinent.
I have been advised not to take him out on my own in case he decides not to get back in the car, and with no family close enough I don't feel I can ask friends to take on that responsibility.
I was told that it would get easier but it doesn't. I just want my lovely man back.
I am heartbroken.

I felt so sad for you, reading your post, as it brought back memories of when my late husband was in a Care Home, and how similar thoughts went through my mind. And how I would drive home in tears, feeling his distress, and feeling guilty. I know it's easy to say (and I say this to others a lot), but you have no reason to feel guilty - none of us have, or had a reason, but it nearly always happens.

Those of us who were lucky enough to find our life partners early, and had many happy decades together, find it especially difficult when we see them disappearing, day by day, and what is so frustrating for us, is knowing there is nothing we can do about it. :(

I used to take John in the car, for hospital appointments (he had various other illnesses), until that became so difficult that I would book ambulance services, because even locating a wheelchair, whilst having to leave him in the car, eventually became a major problem.

I often fretted about him being in the Care Home, and wondered if I could manage again at home, as I had done for nearly 12 years - but I knew I wouldn't be able to cope. When our loved ones are at home, and we have disturbed nights, and can't sleep, and frankly are exhausted, there isn't another "shift" of workers, who take over after 8 hours, whereas there are in a Care Home.

I feel for you so much, and hope that you're managing to have some treats now and then. Sending cyber hugs. xxx
 

Bugsbunny4

Registered User
Nov 6, 2015
80
0
Yorkshire
I felt so sad for you, reading your post, as it brought back memories of when my late husband was in a Care Home, and how similar thoughts went through my mind. And how I would drive home in tears, feeling his distress, and feeling guilty. I know it's easy to say (and I say this to others a lot), but you have no reason to feel guilty - none of us have, or had a reason, but it nearly always happens.

Those of us who were lucky enough to find our life partners early, and had many happy decades together, find it especially difficult when we see them disappearing, day by day, and what is so frustrating for us, is knowing there is nothing we can do about it. :(

I used to take John in the car, for hospital appointments (he had various other illnesses), until that became so difficult that I would book ambulance services, because even locating a wheelchair, whilst having to leave him in the car, eventually became a major problem.

I often fretted about him being in the Care Home, and wondered if I could manage again at home, as I had done for nearly 12 years - but I knew I wouldn't be able to cope. When our loved ones are at home, and we have disturbed nights, and can't sleep, and frankly are exhausted, there isn't another "shift" of workers, who take over after 8 hours, whereas there are in a Care Home.

I feel for you so much, and hope that you're managing to have some treats now and then. Sending cyber hugs. xxx

Thankyou so much. You know how it feels. X
 

Jbob

Registered User
Apr 20, 2016
130
0
Safeguarding in CH

Has anyone had any experience of safeguarding issues whilst in a CH? My Dad has been in the CH for just over 3 weeks and was slapped in the face by another resident today. They phoned to tell us they had contacted safeguarding but i don't know what we should do? Any advice. He was very upset by the whole thing as were we.
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
0
Kent
Hello Jbob, so sorry you have had a stressful time, l have not heard of safeguarding, someone will be along to answer your question, if not ask the CH what they are going to do about it, in my husband's care home there is always a few residents that start trouble, the carer's normally step in to stop anyone getting hurt. One of our residents is an ex boxer, he has not attacked anyone, but he did kick the toilet door put his foot through it, l never have eye contact with him, as you never know, anything could happen.
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
0
Kent
Today has been a good day, hubby very calm, the Anniversary went well, two male guests new my hubby from 50yrs ago, they had not had contact for many years, they were so shocked that he was a resident, hubby did not know who they were.
 

tigerlady

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
427
0
I too drive home on many occasions crying because I feel distressed about leaving him, I feel guilty about not having been able to cope, and I can't bear to see him slowly disappearing. I even wonder sometimes if I had taken him back home after his section and hospital stay if things would have been better for him.

Thats exactly how I feel. When my husbands section ended and they put a DoLS order on him, I asked what happens now, and the doctor said "well you could have him home but if you couldn't manage before, you wont manage now, so you should look for a care home". I also feel I should have tried again at home - especially after a statement like that - as the thought that my lovely husband should go to a care home was so shocking to me, but I know I could not have coped with the extreme sundowning and the aggression that followed, not to mention the lack of sleep and being unable to get him to shower or wash. I don't really know what I thought would happen after the section ended - I was still in emotional turmoil after everything that had happened. I was hardly aware of the significance of him getting CHC - I was just so upset that he was so bad that he qualified for it. I had not found this forum then, and maybe I could have had another go with the help and advice here, but friends and neighbours who had tried to help out when he was at home assured me that no way could I cope - it still doesn't stop the guilt though.

I think my husband must be further down the line than yours, as he is rarely lucid, unless he is angry and telling people to go away and leave him alone (not as politely as that!) Every now and then, though, he says he wants it to be just me and him, and that I'm the best - it breaks my heart. I do have some good days with him, and the staff say he's fine when I'm not there. He eats well and enjoys music therapy and the entertainers that they have.

I really hope things improve for you xx