My Mum is in a community hospital, she was transferred from main hospital following a fall (nothing broken), once she had been declared 'medically fit'. She has Dementia but have been waiting over two months for the full diagnosis. They are organising a mental capacity assessment at this hospital, as she will need either a care package putting in place or maybe going into residential care. She has cancelled previous care packages, as she thinks she doesn't need any help. (She has fallen before). She was in good spirits in the first hospital and was pleasant with me and all the staff. Now, when she sees me, she throws a tantrum and shouts at me, ' I hope you are here to take me home at last' and ends up crying and begging to go home. She can't remember why she even ended up there and feels we are all keeping her there against her will, and has threatened to kill herself. Q. Is it right to force her to go into a home, even though she is at risk, should I grant her, if I can, her last wish, providing she agrees to carers? But, I know that she will cancel them again. I feel retched at the thought of agreeing for her to go into care.
Guilty concience
- Thread starter Brighton Belle
- Start date
Well Marionq, I know you are right, technically. However, is it right in a humane sense? When you see someone so distressed at the prospect of never going again.
I'm still waiting LPA to arrive.
My mom is prone to falls, she's 92 very bad on her legs, as arthritis altzimers and dementia. 7 falls since Xmas.But she still lives alone, the doc says as long as she has carers in, now twice a day it's fine. One day she wants to go in home as she says she's a burden the next no way. So at the moment that's what's happening.
My DH had to take the decision to put his Mother in residential care and then shortly after his father as my FIL just kept sacking the (very good) carers that were arranged. FIL was always quite happy for me to clean the house or clean up my MIL when we visited of course.
There are very few people who voluntarily go into a care home.
Mum was very against the idea of a care home and tried to make me promise that she would never go into one. Unfortunately, she too lived alone and absolutely refused any form of care. Eventually she ended up in hospital and moved to a care home from there.
Actually, once she settled she has been happy and thrived there.
I know it is hard, but sometimes you have to go with what they need rather than what they want. What she needs is to be kept safe and cared for - and if she wont accept carers then the only other alternative is a care home. It may eventually work out better than you think.
Mum was very against the idea of a care home and tried to make me promise that she would never go into one. Unfortunately, she too lived alone and absolutely refused any form of care. Eventually she ended up in hospital and moved to a care home from there.
Actually, once she settled she has been happy and thrived there.
I know it is hard, but sometimes you have to go with what they need rather than what they want. What she needs is to be kept safe and cared for - and if she wont accept carers then the only other alternative is a care home. It may eventually work out better than you think.
It's really really hard. I had something similar with my Mum, she didn't live very close either (2 hours drive away) which complicated things further. Without knowing your Mum it is hard to know what stage she is at, but we decided with mine she would live at home as long as possible - despite the risks.
She had carers coming in 4 times a day, and she liked that. She also had one of those alarm things around her necks (she didn't wear it!) I thought even with the risk of a serious fall it was still better to be at home. The house started smelling a bit and we got a cleaner who turned out to be a godsend.
Like your Mum she ended up in hospital at one point with a broken arm and hated it, in fact her condition deteriorated very sharply during the period she was in hospital. I don't blame her really, it's not good being there. The hospital said she couldn't leave without a care plan in place, yet they couldn't say when that would be, so we overrode that and more or less marched her out of the hospital and took her home. Even by the time we reached the cafe in the hospital her condition had improved markedly.
A friend said to me, with Alzheimers something big would happen and you would know when it was right she would go into a home. For us that happened when she fell one night and was left undiscovered until morning and nearly died. Despite that however, I am still glad we gave her that extra 10 months at home, it was worth it I think.
However your Mum may be more advanced down the Alzheimers pathway, it is very hard for you to make a decision and you shouldn't feel guilty whatever you decide.
She had carers coming in 4 times a day, and she liked that. She also had one of those alarm things around her necks (she didn't wear it!) I thought even with the risk of a serious fall it was still better to be at home. The house started smelling a bit and we got a cleaner who turned out to be a godsend.
Like your Mum she ended up in hospital at one point with a broken arm and hated it, in fact her condition deteriorated very sharply during the period she was in hospital. I don't blame her really, it's not good being there. The hospital said she couldn't leave without a care plan in place, yet they couldn't say when that would be, so we overrode that and more or less marched her out of the hospital and took her home. Even by the time we reached the cafe in the hospital her condition had improved markedly.
A friend said to me, with Alzheimers something big would happen and you would know when it was right she would go into a home. For us that happened when she fell one night and was left undiscovered until morning and nearly died. Despite that however, I am still glad we gave her that extra 10 months at home, it was worth it I think.
However your Mum may be more advanced down the Alzheimers pathway, it is very hard for you to make a decision and you shouldn't feel guilty whatever you decide.
Thank you for all of your thoughts. My gut says give her a few weeks or months if it will make her happy, and see how it goes, my head says just keep her safe.