My story.. Please help me.

[YG1802]

Unfortunately, my grandmother has been dealing with alzheimers for a few years now, my granddad up until Christmas last year was her full time carer, he would push her to do everyday things, on Wednesdays she attends a club where she meets new people and is able to have some normality. She still drove her car yet refused to wash herself unless my grandad really made her, very forgetful etc. My grandad struggled but he was plodding along, me and my dad had our lives etc... At christmas time my nan fell off the stairs breaking and dislocating her arm/elbow. After being operated on and coming out of hospital she was unable to do anything for herself so for 6 weeks she had a carer come and get her dressed, wash her. It was then that my grandad was working to the brim doing everything for her. On the 18th January, he was found by my nan in the early hours unconscious, thankfully my nan knew to ring my dad. After getting to the hospital it was found he had a stroke/ brain haemorrhage and that life may never be the same again, it was 95% he wasn't going to make it. I was called up to the hospital early hours to say my goodbyes. It was awful. Slowly but surely he fought on and for weeks was the most difficult he kept on fighting. 4 months exactly down the line he is nearly walking fully but will require full time care when he comes out which should be in a few weeks as well as just having cancer removed from him too. When all this first started and we knew that he wouldn't be out for a while my dad fully moved in to care for my nan. The first 2 months weren't so bad, me and my boyfriend (both 19 years old) would stay on both a Friday night and a Saturday night just for the first few weeks but didn't know how long or how worse things would get. Eventually just the Friday night because I got a job, my dad wasn't too happy because I wouldn't be there to look after my nan but this isn't my responsibility and thats how everything went down hill. It has been me and my boyfriend staying there every Friday for the last four months, it is only 1 night I understand but I am a full time student, I work and I have my final A level exams going whilst trying to get top grades for university, I have no breaks at all. My father doesn't seem to understand how pressurising all this is for me, I am on the verge on breakdown. He seems to treat me like I'm 5, tells me I'm not an adult but expects me to take on this adult role. 4 months down the line, my nan is not my nan any more, she is a completely different person now and she has become very nasty to me and I can't take it anymore but I don't have the courage to stand up to my dad and to tell him what. I cannot talk to her any more, everyday a carer gets her dressed but when I tell her she has a carer on the Saturday morning she screams and shouts at me. Last Saturday, my dad finally saw what we have to put up with, a new carer came but my nan wouldn't let her touch her because she had no idea who she was and she told me yet again no one comes on a Saturday but in a very nasty way. When my dad arrived a little later he finally told us that she needs to go into a care home and was so understanding with everything, after all this time he finally gets it. Now it doesn't seem to be the case. He and my mother were arguing this evening by messaging (they are separated), she was telling him how none of this should be for me to worry about and has been for a long time, but he was saying I am there so he can have a break and that it is my responsibility too, I feel used and I am being controlled, this is all too much. If I don't help, I'm blackmailed emotionally. He could be getting so much more help for my nan, he knows it, he has started smoking again, why isn't he doing anything more. I wish someone could get through to him, because I don't know what to do any more, I feel like running away, why won't he do anything. He is being so selfish. So many people have told me that this is not my responsibility and I should stop altogether, it is just a consistent battle. I like to hope that when my grandad comes out, things will change but in September when I hopefully go to university, this will all be over but right now it is eating me away. Sorry this is a lot to read, I just don't know where to turn, all of this sounds childish but my dad is making this far too difficult. It would be better to talk in person as I could get more out but this is as best as I can do right now under the circumstances. Thank you for reading and I look forward to hopefully supportive feedback.

Thank you,

Yasmin

 

[HillyBilly]

Hello Yasmin (beautiful name!).
Wow, you have a very wise head on young shoulders and it sounds like you're being amazing, what you're doing for your family. Far too much responsibility for one so young to be dealing with. Your Dad needs to step up to the plate (for want of a better expression) and understand that it's HE who, for now, needs to be the responsible one, not his 19 year old daughter, who has her whole life in front of her.
I hope that your Mum and Dad can reach some resolution between them. I would suggest that you need to try and step back from this role you've taken on, hard though that's going to be. It's NOT your responsibility and you've more than "done your bit". Your Dad is going to have to face up to the facts. Your exams are the priority right now, for your own future. Can you get your Mum to be more persuasive? Does your college/school know what you're doing with regards to your caring role?
You will find plenty of support on here Yasmin x

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello and welcome to Talking Point.

You do have a very difficult situation and I hope you find some guidance and support here.

My suggestion is you speak to your own GP (hoping he/she is a good one). Tell them the whole story without holding back on how you feel. Hopefully you will get some guidance on how to handle the situation or at least be given a contact with Social Services.

I also suggest you contact your local branch of the Alzheimer's Society. Some have Dementia Support Workers who should be able to offer help. You can find your local branch here; don't be put off if they seem some distance away as they cover wide areas.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/...=200121&_ga=1.156777851.1556505990.1462168326

I hope that helps.

 

[Pinkys]

What a dreadful situation. I am so sorry. As you say, for you there is light at the end of this, as you will be going away. However, meanwhile it must be terrible.

From what you say, the relationship between your parents is not very good. But I do wonder if your mum cannot be your advocate a bit more strongly. Or are there any other close family members who could act as a bridge?

I am not surprised you find it hard to stand up to your father, and grandmother. If you read the posts here you will see how many people find it very very painful to stand up to their mum or dad when they are 50, let alone 19! Your dad needs help sorting out this tragic and terrible situation. He needs to be taking very hard decisions about the future for both his parents. Maybe you can help with the discussion. Once your exams are over, would it be possible to make some time with your dad to share your concerns about him and the future. A big ask, I know, but it may help move your relationship a little, so he stops treating you like you are 5!

 

[Jessbow]

You both have a lot on your plate, different lot as well as different plates.

You are at college presumably doing a levels, and dad want you to over night with nan on a Friday? yes?

Does he have a full time job a well as caring for nan?
Who juggles visiting granddad?

I can see that your dad has a lot on his plate, and if he is on his own ( ie no partner) it must be a devil of a time for him too.
Could you reduce to one night a week, just so your dad gets a break?
Can see this from both sides really

 

[Chemmy]

This is your dad's responsibility, not yours. End of story. He's going to have to manage things when you go to uni in September so what's the difference - he needs to get whatever plans he had in mind to cope then in place now.

You clearly don't live there all the time so I would suggest that you refuse to go there on Fridays at least until your exams are over. This is a very important time in your life and if I was your grandmother, I would not want you risking your future plans by looking after me.

 

[CeliaW]

Yasmin, apologies for the quick reply but I wonder if your Dad has had a carers assessment and if there has been a formal care assessment for your Nan? Even if your Nan is self funding for care , you are still entitled to the assessments and it may be a way to rationalise the care needed and help everyone. Good luck, hope it gets sorted, it sounds very difficult for all of you. Take care.

 

[fizzie]

Hi there
sorrry you are having such a difficult time.
I just wanted to clarify - your Dad is living there full time looking after Grandma? Is that right? On a Friday you stay over to give Dad a break? but the rest of the time you don't live there?

I'm not sure if i have that straight because you are saying it is impacting on your exams so I'm not clear if it is just one night?

If you don't want to stay for that night then your dad can't force you to, if it is more than one night then perhaps it is quite a lot. I think your dad is under massive strain and didn't realise how difficult it would be to look after Grandma and was probably thinking it would only be temporary and that if you were staying over with your boyfriend it would just give him a one night break.

I'm guessing that he thinks it would be very difficult to do anything while Grandpa is in hospital so he is just trying desperately to keep it ticking over. I wouldn't want to do anything in that position whilst someone's partner of many years was in hospital.

It is a very difficult situation for all of you.

I would also suggest that you try to get your Dad to get some help before he makes himself ill. The way forward is a social services carers assessment and possibly some day care for Grandma which would be good to set up before Grandpa returns anyway as he may well need that too. Can you get him to ring the Adult care duty desk at the local council and explain the situation and ask them to do an assessment? I think that would be the first step

This is also really useful - we had it stuck on our fridge and following it really works and cuts out a lot of the screaming at each other
http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf

please copy and paste it and have a look, it will help

 

[jasmineflower]

Hi Yasmin
You must be so stressed with your exams- my daughter is too - the last thing you need at this time is trying to cope with difficult behaviour from your grandma with dementia, particularly if verbal and physical abuse is part of the package.

I don't think this is your problem. As other people have pointed out, if you're going to uni in September things will have to change then, so why not put new measures in place now.

I think you need to have an honest discussion with your father about the situation as well as a chat with your head of VIth form or tutor and GP

Try to get as much support as possible

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi Yasmin

My daughter who is a little older than you has just been through a similar experience to you with her grandad and ended up in therapy. Please don't let this happen to you.

People sometimes get nasty and quite often target just one person when they have dementia. Is she mean to everyone or just you? It's not your responsibility and your parents should be protecting you, especially with exams to get through.

I feel for your dad. I'm in his shoes. I've decided to protect my daughter from her grandad. Some things are just too hard to deal with.

Good luck with your exams and everything!!

 

[notsogooddtr]

If you are finding it too much it is too much no matter how many nights per week it is.Your Dad obviously needs help,others have advised where he might get it,encourage him to get things moving.Good luck with your exams,they,and the rest of your life are very important.

 

[chrisdee]

Hello Yasmin, We do hear your cry for help on here. You have been placed in a very difficult position, no doubt your Dad is desperate, but even so, in my view, your exams are top priority for the next few weeks and I agree with Chemmy, you should be let off the hook even if its just until the end of exams for now. I used to be an advisor in a big London college. Colleges usually provide some sort of student support/counselling. A careers advisor like I was would also support you. Someone could ring Social Services with you there, they are often pressured and may not have a great track record in taking on the concerns of a younger people. As others have said, these problems really need handing over to a responsible adult, and ideally should not be your concern. when exams are finished, I'd email the admissions tutors at your first and back-up choice of unis. Quoting your UCAS no. etc.and tell them that you expect your results will have been affected by being a 'young carer' in a very difficult situation over which you have had little control. As everyone on here knows, its not merely doing the job on a Friday evening, but the emotional turmoil and worry, stress and strain in the family that comes with it, that makes all this so very hard on you.
My very best wishes.