Mother Saying Mean Things/How Do I Respond?

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
0
USA
I am having a difficult time with my mother now as she accuses me of wanting her money and such. Yesterday she kept insisting that I want her money. Nothing could be further from the truth as she doesn't have much and I have helped her out for some time now. She always said of me "I know you don't care about money and that you are not materialistic. You are a giver, like me".

I have read that you are to “agree”, so, finally, I agreed that she was right. This led to further rage. She was never this way all her life and I do love her and want to calm her, but I cant seem to. Any suggestions about what to do with accusations?

Another question I have is this:
She does get angry at other people, but seems to be able to hold that anger in long enough to tell me about it. How does she manage to control herself if she is out of control? It confuses me. Thank you.
 
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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,455
0
Kent
That`s a tough one Jackie.

I think agreeing has to be selective and there are no hard and fast rules.

Perhaps with the money accusations it may help to reply “ If you think this, there`s nothing I can do, but my conscience is clear.”

It`s a case of trying to make statements which are neither argumentative or confrontational and it`s not easy.

It`s vey upsetting and I`m sure many of us have experienced similar situations, so I hope others will tell you what they have found works.
 

malc

Registered User
Aug 15, 2012
353
0
north east lincolnshire
in your mothers eyes the delusion seems real,her fact and fiction reasoning is going,my wife thinks her dreams are fact,which causes problems,i've never been accused of theft but if she dreams i have left her etc i get a good telling off,i'd change the subject to something more constructive and see if it helps.always remember this isn't your mother talking,this is a creation caused by this horrible disease,walk away and regroup,remind yourself of the fact,then go and sort it.
 
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Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
I went along with most of my mother's delusions, but could not meekly go along with accusations of stealing or being after her money. In those cases I would tell her I wasn't going to listen, and would go home if she carried on.

Though these mostly occurred after she'd gone into a care home. Her reasoning being that we had put her there because we were after her money. (!). I was once upset enough to point out somewhat heatedly that the CH fees were God knows how much per month and if we'd all just been after her money we'd have left her at home! (did not add 'in squalor' though I felt like it at the time.
However, like everything else anyone ever said, she forgot it very quickly.

I did find that saying I would go home if she couldn't be nice (not just about money, there were sometimes nasty comments about my daughters which upset me far more than anything to me personally) did usually work. I didn't have to use it very often, though.
 

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
0
USA
Thank you all for your comments.

One question remains: how is it that she is so nice around others if she is out of control. I would think that if she is out of control, then she would say things about everyone. She does but she tells me, not them! It is confusing.
 

Delphie

Registered User
Dec 14, 2011
1,268
0
Thank you all for your comments.

One question remains: how is it that she is so nice around others if she is out of control. I would think that if she is out of control, then she would say things about everyone. She does but she tells me, not them! It is confusing.

Around here we call it 'the hostess mode'. Some people with dementia, even when quite ill, do manage to keep control and perform relatively normally in social situations and with people they don't know well, albeit only for short periods of time.

My mum used to accuse me of all kinds of horrible things too. And no, I couldn't go along with her when she said I'd stolen her house (teeth, slippers, money... ). Distracting her didn't work either. The only thing that did work for me was to warn her to stop it and then leave if she didn't, which was what usually happened.
 

Torquay

Registered User
May 15, 2016
2
0
Similar scenario

Thank you all for your comments.

One question remains: how is it that she is so nice around others if she is out of control. I would think that if she is out of control, then she would say things about everyone. She does but she tells me, not them! It is confusing.

Gosh, know I have not got any answers for you, but I have had this exact scenario with my mother last night, my dad went into hospital for what was supposed a few days and I came to look after her, it's been an eye opener! No wonder my poor dad has had a heart attack! She just flips her lid and I am in tears now all the time, no service seems to be able to help us. Just keep believing in yourself and get lots of hugs from your family
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,333
0
Victoria, Australia
OH and I had huge issues with these accusations earlier this year just after one of his sons who I have never met, phoned from abroad to ask what was in our wills. Very rude of him but this triggered OH's paranoia and I was accused of stealing from him, hiding bank accounts, stealing his car etc.

I have spent several years dealing with his paranoia and mostly I just let it pass and don't let it get to me. However, this is a step too far and I will not tolerate it for a moment. OH is still only in a fairly moderate stage of AD and was still well able to realize that it was finally better for him to shut up then to keep pushing those particular buttons.

He still can't help being suspicious and wants to know what every text I get is about and wants to see every bit of mail that comes, mostly junk but he still needs to check up on me.

You will often see on TP that PWD are usually worst when it is the person who cares for them most. They can almost appear normal with other people which gets a bit frustrating when they then treat their carers badly.

I often think that dementia strips all the sense of responsibility and accountability and removes all the knowledge that experience has brought us as mature human beings. With that gone, PWD tend to behave like an immature child, becoming manipulative and demanding and behave with the short term view of life that a child has.

So something is missing - money, mail, belongings, and so just as a child can't see past the obvious perception even if it is a wrong one.. I would have to assume that some cultural overlays remain, that you behave nicely when other people are there and have a tantrum when you get back home.

It may seem disrespectful to some but I find my life is easier if I treat him as if he is my son rather than my husband. I tell him in a calm voice that we need to leave at a certain time to get to the doctors, I remind him to take his meds in a calm voice, I tell him calmly to go to bed - but when it comes to important things, I bring out my bossy schoolteacher voice and that he understands only too well that I will not be messed with.

I don't know how long I will be able to get away with this but it is working for now!!!
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
Thank you all for your comments.

One question remains: how is it that she is so nice around others if she is out of control. I would think that if she is out of control, then she would say things about everyone. She does but she tells me, not them! It is confusing.

I think the person often knows when it's best to be nice, and when they can give vent to whatever has got into their heads. However it does so often seem that it's the nearest and (formerly) dearest, who are doing most or all of the caring, who get it in the neck. Maybe it's because they know deep down that this person will not desert them, whereas other people just won't bother again.

Also of course many people are able to put on a very good 'front' for a short while, esp. to anyone like doctors or social workers - they know they need to be on their best behaviour. As someone else has said, 'hostess mode'.
But the facade can so quickly disappear once it's just carer and caree again.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I think "hostess mode" takes a lot of effort for our relatives with dementia, so they cant maintain it for long and then they are tired out and grumpy afterwards, which makes them more likely to have a tantrum.

I always think its a bit like trying to do something when you are drunk - you really have to concentrate and think about it, but you can do it (and maybe even appear pretty sober). Then when you stop concentrating you fall over!!
 

pinkprincess

Registered User
Jul 4, 2015
66
0
stoke on trent
Youve hit the nail on the head canary !! great , to the poster im in a similar situation i get the brunt of it and the awful outbursts but my mum "appears" perfectly fine to her friends , im sure they think im exaggerating her behaviour :/
 

Princess t

Registered User
Mar 15, 2016
184
0
This sounds so much like my life, so very very hard, my mom thought I was keeping all her money, I was doing her pension, savings. In the end she got my two sisters to write me a letter, not talk to me, it was terrible. I was so upset as I was doing what asked. We didn't know she had dementia at the time. It was so upsetting I refused to do anything with money with mom, now my sister does it and mom says she's stealing all her money, but my sister ignores her and Carry's on but even now my sisters won't let me sort moms money out or buy anything for her, mom used to say my one sister was hitting her and verbally abusing her, the slamming of doors and shouting was very bad. But if mom sees a stranger in doc, nurse etc she is lovely , no one thinks she has. Any problems!!!
 

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
0
USA
Thanks to All ... Families Can Make It so Much Harder, too.

In my case, what makes this totally ridiculous is that my brother is holding her money and he is keeping it on the sly. I posted about this quite some time ago when he and I had a row as she had lost her insurance (America here) and he had the nerve to come to me and ask for money for her medications (we don't have NHS here). I knew he was holding her money and when he kept insisting that I pay $2,000 dollar per month, I told him to please use the money she gave him. He said to me "Oh, I don't think she would want that". Finally, I wrote to him "well, I don't thimk she would mind as she gave it to you for that very purpose. I told no one. He never answered. He has been withholding medical information and he has POA. My mother wants it this way.
And she thinks I am the one after her money. That is a laugh. Of course, she is ill, and I don't blame her. I can't. but, I get upset all the same. It is amazing what families will do when a person gets sick.
 

WORRIER123

Registered User
Oct 1, 2015
1,174
0
Dads constantly rude to me. I live with him don't have full carers so I can help don't go away anymore and he may once every few weeks say thank you and appreciate me
Tonight he's convinced the carers who pop in are plotting against him but of course doesn't say a word to them
The boss of the care company came round and she said he was all praise for them
But he tells me they are all after getting him arrested and put away
Draining and although you try not to take things to heart it's so hard
 

Herewego

Registered User
Mar 9, 2017
92
0
This all sounds so familiar - I also agree that the effort the ill person has to make to apear 'normal' to anyone outside their immediate carer means they have no energy left and then the carer is left with a tired and grumpy 'patient'.

My OH is also in the phase of not remembering our house (location/layout etc) but thinks we have 'another house that is just like this one, but not this one' and has gone through asking me to take him to it so he can get the rest of his clothes, when can he go 'home', will I take him etc. Then he starts wondering what stuff in the house is ours, when did I buy it, why wasn't he asked about it etc. Who is paying the bills, rent [we have two lodgers living with us - same ones for the last 5/6 years] on one hand he wants to know what we have to pay to live here (as this isn't our house), and on the other are the 'girls (our lodgers) paying their rent (in his way of thinking to some company) and are we getting paid, what commission is this other company getting? And so this coversation goes on - anything he can't find has been stollen and he never leaves anything where he eventually finds it - someone moved it. Hides his phone/laptop when he goes out and then can't find it when he gets back - all because someone in the house will steal it!

At the moment he does not believe what I tell him regarding almost anything, wants to do things that he thinks needs doing around the place (paint a room/things in the garden etc) but he can not do anything without assistance. The one thing he is still doing is cutting the lawn, although keeps missing bits and when I tell him, I have to almost take him right to the spots as he seems to be unable to see the missed bits even if they are quite large areas. Happy for him to keep dong the lawn though - can't really mess it up and so he misses a bit - not a disaster! :)

My question to anyone on this forum that has been through this is - how long does this phase last? I am getting very tired and easily short tempered by the repetitive nature of the 'this is our house' conversation and running out of distraction techniques!! I looked after OH's mom (who also had Dementia) and don't remember this phase with her, so while I know everyone is different a 'ball park' idea would be nice.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
These are phases but how long or short is anyone's guess. We have lived in this house eight years and my husband diagnosed six years ago. He used to say how much he loved it but for some years has not recognised it and has no Idea of his address.

However he is much calmer about that kind of issue now as he is on anti depressant Trazodone (nothing else) and so is bearable. He will occasionally ask when we are going home or that it is time he left to go home but I can deflect this quite quickly now. It is all very trying.
 

Countryboy

Registered User
Mar 17, 2005
1,680
0
South West
Sorry to disagree with the assumption a person becomes aggressive or outspoken when the have Dementia , I personal think it many years of frustration built up previously they were more passive-aggressive and didn’t express their anger or displeasure in an open manner possibly will have years of resentment and bitterness built up, often lurking just beneath a phony smile No matter how much they disagree with what you're saying they'll work hard to appear as though they fully support your statements don't share true opinions upfront these people often go undetected in the in their social circles because they disguise their seething hostility with a pleasant demeaner.

Ok I have dementia and can be aggressive But not because I have Dementia I was never afraid to speak my mind irrespective of the situation I was in at that time nothing Political correct about me
Sorry but only my personal view
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
It's very difficult - you have my sympathy.
I didn't have personal abuse from my mother - at least not until after she'd gone into her care home, but she went through a phase of saying really nasty, horrible and quite untrue things about my siblings, husband and daughters. I found them terribly upsetting - there was no way I could ever agree with her just to keep the peace.

I did just once tell her very sharply that if she didn't stop saying such horrible things NOW, I was going home this minute, and I meant it, and she must have known I did, since she did stop, at least for that evening. Her dementia was mid stage by then, and although people say 'they can't help it', in her case she certainly could when she wanted to.

Looking back, I don't know why I didn't try that a bit more often! I don't know whether a similar tactic might work for you?