My mum is increasingly showing memory loss, constantly doing u turns over things with no apparent recollection of what has been previously said, having the same conversations repeatedly and showing personality traits not typically seen in her. To some extent it is like an eggagerated version of what she has always been like but it is getting much worse. My dad is effectively her physical carer but she is angry at any suggestion of that. I try to visit daily. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm not coping well. Please don't think for a minute that I don't love and value her but I'm worried about my dad's continued ability to cope into his eighties and If it wasn't for him it would all fall apart. She always seems cross and irritated with him. I don't know what to say or do. There is absolutely no way she would see her GP, she barely leaves the house, I'm 5 minutes up the road and it has been years since she has visited me and the kids so we always go to her and she has let me take her out once in the last 10 years. I feel like I'm going behind her back saying anything but I'm worried, really worried. I get low to the point of suicidal thoughts not just because of this but because of everything going on of which this is one part and I feel very very alone.
Helpless with what to do
- Thread starter Mummybear1
- Start date
Hi,
I wanted to say that you are not alone and there are lots of people here who completely understand the "weight of responsibility" that can be overwhelming at times.
Speaking from my own experience it is really hard to juggle the 'what my mum wants to happen' and the 'what is actually safe'. My mum is fiercely independent, has a temper and is scary. The hardest part for me was going against what mum wanted but I had monitored the situation for a while before bravely stepping in when a crisis occurred and taking her to A & E. I think the concern of what would happen if I didn't step in became greater. Thankfully mum has no memory of this and thinks her hospital stay was planned.
Is there a way you could contact her GP with your concerns and they could then request to see her for a 'general check up'? If she wouldn't leave the house could the Dr do a home visit, under the premise of to see your dad and have a gentle chat with mum at the same time?
If the feelings for you get too much, then please see your GP and keep posting on here. You need to look after yourself as well as your children.
I wanted to say that you are not alone and there are lots of people here who completely understand the "weight of responsibility" that can be overwhelming at times.
Speaking from my own experience it is really hard to juggle the 'what my mum wants to happen' and the 'what is actually safe'. My mum is fiercely independent, has a temper and is scary. The hardest part for me was going against what mum wanted but I had monitored the situation for a while before bravely stepping in when a crisis occurred and taking her to A & E. I think the concern of what would happen if I didn't step in became greater. Thankfully mum has no memory of this and thinks her hospital stay was planned.
Is there a way you could contact her GP with your concerns and they could then request to see her for a 'general check up'? If she wouldn't leave the house could the Dr do a home visit, under the premise of to see your dad and have a gentle chat with mum at the same time?
If the feelings for you get too much, then please see your GP and keep posting on here. You need to look after yourself as well as your children.
Could you and your Dad go to the GP and ask for a home visit? Also it sounds like a referral to social services for a needs assessment for your Mum and also a carers assessment for your Dad is in order. It would be worth ringing them and explaining your concerns and asking what the procedure is to have someone come and visit your Mum and Dad.This should produce additional support/resources for your parents. his might help you feel you have support and the situation might feel less overwhelming. Meantime keep posting here. You will find alsorts of good practical advice as well as emotional support here.
Have to agree - being a parent to your parents is really really hard. If your GP would come out that would be a good start. I do feel for your father though and if he and your mother could get Attendance Allowance/ Carers Allowance it may allow him to get paid help?
I can relate to you feeling alone as I am in a similar situation with my own father. But reading a few posts, I think there are quite a few of us in the same situation, trying to work our way round the system of social services and gp's for our parents best interests if not always with their permission.
Take care of yourself too.
I can relate to you feeling alone as I am in a similar situation with my own father. But reading a few posts, I think there are quite a few of us in the same situation, trying to work our way round the system of social services and gp's for our parents best interests if not always with their permission.
Take care of yourself too.
Memory test and other routes into the system
Forgive me. I seem to be posting a lot but many of these posts ring a bell with me.
You need to get your folks into the "system."
Usually happens in one of two ways, a crisis which triggers the GP to come out, then a crisis team etc.
Or the long winded way which would be:-
Memory test.
Get the GP out.
Speak to Social Services and express your concerns.
If there are any medical issues, get the District Nurse out, then if any mobility issues, get Occupation Health out.
Am sure there are more.
Cheers
Dave.
Forgive me. I seem to be posting a lot but many of these posts ring a bell with me.
You need to get your folks into the "system."
Usually happens in one of two ways, a crisis which triggers the GP to come out, then a crisis team etc.
Or the long winded way which would be:-
Memory test.
Get the GP out.
Speak to Social Services and express your concerns.
If there are any medical issues, get the District Nurse out, then if any mobility issues, get Occupation Health out.
Am sure there are more.
Cheers
Dave.
Court of Protection
Oh and if you cannot get Powers of Attorney, an early look at being a Deputy of the Court of Protection may save you having to temporarily find £0000s before you recover it from your parents.
Oh and if you cannot get Powers of Attorney, an early look at being a Deputy of the Court of Protection may save you having to temporarily find £0000s before you recover it from your parents.
Lots of good suggestions already. I'd just like to add the article link for compassionate communication:
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Thanks but still banging head against wall
Getting her to GP is completely out of questions, absolute hysterics (repeatedly) and got really nasty. Had a few weeks where things seemed to ease up a bit but then as is got closer to Christmas felt like we were going backwards again. My sister does not see it as she visits only occasionally and it's like my nothing is wrong then next day it is back to normal (bad normal though i.e. Memory probs, behaviour probs). To be honest I'm currently dreading every interaction and that makes me feel so mean. I still can't tell what's wrong and can't get her into the system.
Getting her to GP is completely out of questions, absolute hysterics (repeatedly) and got really nasty. Had a few weeks where things seemed to ease up a bit but then as is got closer to Christmas felt like we were going backwards again. My sister does not see it as she visits only occasionally and it's like my nothing is wrong then next day it is back to normal (bad normal though i.e. Memory probs, behaviour probs). To be honest I'm currently dreading every interaction and that makes me feel so mean. I still can't tell what's wrong and can't get her into the system.
Banging head against wall
Hi Mummybear,
Sorry to hear your high levels of stress. ((hug)).
There are things you can do. Contact your local Alzheimers Association. They will give suggestions on what to do. If you feel your Dad is not coping, it is sounding tough, ask for a GP visit. Even if your mum does not let him in it will give enough of an idea as to which track to go down.
You sound at the end of your tether. That is what you need to listen to. And it can't be a picnic for your dad.
Best wishes.
Hi Mummybear,
Sorry to hear your high levels of stress. ((hug)).
There are things you can do. Contact your local Alzheimers Association. They will give suggestions on what to do. If you feel your Dad is not coping, it is sounding tough, ask for a GP visit. Even if your mum does not let him in it will give enough of an idea as to which track to go down.
You sound at the end of your tether. That is what you need to listen to. And it can't be a picnic for your dad.
Best wishes.
Could you get your Mum to the GP for her flu jab? Having first written to the doc with your concerns?
So sorry for your worries x
So sorry for your worries x
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