Stick her in a care home

[1954]

As most of you know MIL has lived with us for 3 1/2 years now. We are managing most of the time. OH and I are on citalopram to help us cope. It does help. We hope we will keep her with us for as long as possible as she adores her son and thrives on seeing him all the time and would like her to live with us to the end. Our lives are completely changed but we have adapted to her constant changes even through the psychotic episodes when she is manic for more than 48 hours when none of us get any rest or sleep.

My issue is why why do family and some friends keep telling us to 'stick' MIL in a care home? They are not looking after her and I do try to not moan. I now only moan occasionally as we are quite settled into the dementia journey

When people keep advising us to stick her into a care home raise my anxiety to unbelievable heights

Why why?


1954 x

 

[fizzie]

You are brilliant and I'm sending you a load of big bear hugs down the line, ready...........................{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

I would be inclined to tell them straight that it is your choice and your lives and that is what you have decided to do and you would be very grateful if they would leave you to sort out it out because they are not helping by being judgemental. It is hard to do but once said they won't do it again.

Everyone has to make their own choices about how they can manage and we made the same choice as you and I'm very pleased we did but the path wasn't made any easier by others so I do sympathise but if you can suggest you stand firm, you just don't need others making you anxious xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[1954]

Fizzie thank you for your speedy kind reply. It has made me feel a warm glow as it were!


1954 x

 

[notsogooddtr]

Your family and friends could express things a little more sensitively that's for sure.They are probably speaking out of concern for you and your husband,a life depending on medication to cope might seem too great a sacrifice.But it's your choice and they need to respect that.Much respect to you both,I couldn't do it.

 

[Grannie G]

They are probably defending their own inadequacy 1954. Once again its unsolicited advice .

 

[Lovemycat]

I feel tempted to say that it's because they are not such loving caring people as you are, and they are saying what they think they would do if they were in your situation. without stopping to consider personal choice. If you asked for their opinion it would be different!

 

[JohnBG]

Easy to say.

The guy next door keeps saying the same, perhaps he should spend some time in this establishment, the very fact they have limited capacity may also suggest they have more lucid times. Recent research suggest it does them good to see us even when a decline in condition is apparent.

Realistically for safety alone that inevitable care home provision may become beneficial, we are doing this 24/7 those professional staff get a rest. I continue to create a support network for my mother's care, a care home placement is a continuous of that objective. I will not love my mother any less as others take up that role I have provided, it is up to us as individuals to equate our life balance, we all have limitations.

Making ourselves ill will not aid our loved one in the long term.

Go at your pace, be kind to yourself.

John.

 

[Emac]

It's so easy to judge and criticize the choices of others isn't it? We approve of those who make the same choices as we have and disapprove of those who don't. I am tempted to go there myself and often do! I think it happens because when others make different choices it threatens our own positions. It brings on an attack of guilt about whatever we have decided to do (guilt is never far away in this situation) and so instead of accepting that everyone has the right to make their own choices and there is no right or wrong here we judge the other person instead.

There are many ways to ensure a loved one with dementia is cared for. From sacrificing your own life and health to care for the person to the very end and every variation in between. Who is to say what is the right choice? As long as the person with dementia is receiving the care they need the choice to sacrifice your own health to do so is your own choice to make. Do listen though to others who are expressing concern for you - especially if your own doctor is one of them, for I am sure your mum in law would not wish her son to be made very ill by caring for her if there was an alternative which would reduce some of the pressure while still allowing him to spend time with her every day. Sending you best wishes xxx

 

[Missy]

Very well put Emac. There is no right or wrong, just different in all this.

 

[Aisling]

As most of you know MIL has lived with us for 3 1/2 years now. We are managing most of the time. OH and I are on citalopram to help us cope. It does help. We hope we will keep her with us for as long as possible as she adores her son and thrives on seeing him all the time and would like her to live with us to the end. Our lives are completely changed but we have adapted to her constant changes even through the psychotic episodes when she is manic for more than 48 hours when none of us get any rest or sleep.

My issue is why why do family and some friends keep telling us to 'stick' MIL in a care home? They are not looking after her and I do try to not moan. I now only moan occasionally as we are quite settled into the dementia journey

When people keep advising us to stick her into a care home raise my anxiety to unbelievable heights

Why why?


1954 x

My opinion is take no notice of people saying those awful things to you. It would make me unbelievably angry angry. Would they use the term " stick" someone in a hospital when ill? Dare I suggest that people may be jealous of you and your husband's ability to care so much and continue to cope so well?

It is a heartbreaking disease and you are amazing. Well done.

Sending you lots of support,

Aisling xx

 

[Margaret79]

People used to say that to us 1954, they just couldn't "get" that even though it was really challenging sometimes we really wanted her to stay at home with us. I think they look at the situation and can't conceive how it is possible probably because they couldn't contemplate doing it themselves.

You are doing an amazing job and I hope you continue to care for her "your way" not anyone else's. Good luck xxx

 

[chrisdee]

A Query.

I'm glad that you have had many supportive messages - now one that raises a query.
Citralopram is a serious anti-depressant [my husband was on it a few months ago].
Does your doctor approve of this for possible long-term use? or will there be an end point? I do hope that you both have regular medication reviews. I would not question your wish to care for a parent, clearly you are doing a good job. What I am saying is this: Your own health x 2 is a high price to pay. My intention is a caring one, it is not intended to upset you.

 

[Amy in the US]

The unsolicited comments are really awful and almost never helpful. It is too bad people can't have more consideration, before they speak.

All of us who are caring for a person with dementia, in whatever way, are just doing the best we can. I think we often feel inadequate or uncertain or just upset, and these types of comments can be very distressing.

For what it's worth, I think it's amazing that you are providing hands-on care for your mother-in-law.

It's fine to have a moan now and then, you are only human, after all. We will listen and not judge you!

Wishing you all the best.