Love is not enough
My mum has lived with me and my partner for 4 1/2 years now. I moved her 125 miles away. Mum is almost 87. We have good days and bad days. On the good days, I can cope. On the bad days (when we either have to talk a load of rubbish or she imagines things), I feel depressed and stressed out. I take her out socially, but she never remembers going. She thinks that she doesn't go anywhere! I also employ a carer to take her out twice a week (on a Tuesday to an over 50s afternoon and on a Friday, shopping for an hour). I am almost 60 myself and very aware that this could go on indefinitely. I am also aware that dementia might get to me.... who knows if and when? Lots of friends (and even strangers) say that it is time to look after myself and think about putting mum into residential care. However, this makes me feel so guilty and I know that she wouldn't want to go. The question is, how long do we carry on putting our lives on hold whilst life passes us by? Do I owe her another 10 years or so of my life, by which time I will be almost 70.... Apart from the dementia, she is very physically fit. The doctor checks her bloods, blood pressure, weight etc every 6 months and all are perfect. I now feel (sadly), that moving her in, was the worst decision that I have ever made because I feel so trapped.. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Any advice greatly appreciated.... I am an only child and have no family support whatsoever....
Munchkin, my situation is very similar to yours - I am an only child with no family. It is not my mother, but my husband who has (young-onset) dementia, and I recently made the very difficult decision to put him into care.
I have always thought that no one could care for my husband like I could, because no one loves him like I do - and to some extent, that's true. But I've learned that as this disease progresses, love is simply not enough. My husband needs care at a level I can't provide, however willing the spirit. It may be that your mother is reaching that time too.
You have had some wonderful advice here about starting to research homes. I would also suggest that. My advice would be to find local homes, go to see them, really drill down into their methods, their staffing levels, their plans for the future, their philosophy of care. Good managers are happy to answer all these questions. Check them out on CQC. Look for reviews. Tour the places and observe the residents and staff. See which places might be a good fit for your mother.
I suggest 'local', because that means you can continue to be an important part of your mother's life by visiting often and smoothing the transition. And (as I think someone in this thread suggested) you may find that it actually improves your relationship. A wonderful an unexpected side effect that has come out of my husband's last few months in the care home (which we refer to as our 'pied a terre'
) is that after seven years of being my darling husband's carer, I now seem to be his wife again. Our visits are almost like dates - I really look forward to seeing him, and because I'm not permanently exhausted, he gets the best of me. I know where this disease inevitably leads, and I want to enjoy what time together we have left.
My heart goes out to you, Munchkin - this disease is so hard on those who love the person living with dementia. And I know your mum may not want to go (my experience of people with dementia is that they
really don't like change) but you may find that she actually begins to thrive with constant company and attention.
In the end, of course, you must decide what is best for your mum and you. I know it's not easy. I wish you all the luck in the world. x