Dementia and delusions affecting others

[ChristineK]

This is our first time writing as a family about my gran who is 90. She hasn't had any formal diagnosis for one reason and another but her main, pretty much her only, symptom is completely untrue delusions about her next door neighbours.

Been going on for years, building up from plausible stories about noise during the evening and night, then fumes from a petrol generator coming through the walls, now there are daily stories about the 'noise police' coming in the night, the neighbour being carted away in an ambulance to the mental hospital, all sorts.

They are absolutely not true and she will tell anyone who will listen. It's awful. And she gets so so angry when talking to us about it.

Delusions about fairies in your back garden or whatever are one thing, but going about publicly saying really quite unpleasant things about a complete stranger is quite another.

We don't hope for a cure, but how on earth do we manage this? We have in the past spoken to the neighbours when gran was telling us that she was banging on the walls in the night shouting at them to turn off their non-existent generator and they were very nice and understanding about it, but really that was minor compared to what's going on now.

 

[malc]

firstly you need to understand why,in my wife's case she can't tell the difference between dreams and reality,needless to say,i've been in trouble times over something she has dreamed about,i can tell how real they seem to her because of how upset she gets.

 

[ChristineK]

firstly you need to understand why,in my wife's case she can't tell the difference between dreams and reality,needless to say,i've been in trouble times over something she has dreamed about,i can tell how real they seem to her because of how upset she gets.

Thank you for replying, do you mean understand why she has these particular delusions?

There seems to be absolutely no reason behind it at all. Most of the activity she sees and hears seems to happen overnight so she might well be dreaming, but she claims to also hear things and smell things through the walls during the day when she is awake and someone is sitting beside her.

We have debated moving her to another house, sheltered housing maybe, in the hope that removing her from her completely innocent and harmless neighbours would stop her saying these things about them, but that might cause her a whole lot of stress and her imaginings would just move on to someone or something else? It's not going to fix her, is it?

It's the fact that she is being so awful about people who are not in our family and have done absolutely nothing wrong that is so horrid. She's 90, she's had a good life, we would have expected her to be going a bit downhill mentally, but the way it is presenting itself is particularly unpleasant.

We appreciate you taking the time to reply.

 

[AngeMorange]

My mother is having similar delusions about others and it is so upsetting. I can't offer much by way of advice other than there is no point in trying to apply any sort of logic to it. In their world logic has gone.

 

[theunknown]

Unfortunately Christine I don't think you can manage it. It's as real to her as your experiences are to you. I thank god that my mum's neighbours were so understanding when I had no idea what was happening, as I only had my mum's side of the story. It's now obvious to me that my mum was suffering from cognitive impairment long before I accepted it, and her neighbours looked out for her. She wouldn't thank them for the fact that she's now in an EMI care home, but this's where she needs to be. My mum was sectioned, and there's no way I'd have felt able to alert the authorities that this needed to happen.

 

[malc]

i mean understand why,ie the brain not working properly is causing these problems,not some rational thoughts being nasty and spiteful to others,reality/dreams,actual smell/imagined smell,something there/hallucinations etc,it help's me not get frustrated and annoyed when i have to check a crisp packet for ?,rush out to kill a moth that doesn't exist,take a telling off for running off with someone else,have to order another electric fly swatter,even though we've got enough for a few years,your gran will still be your gran(with the problems) and if you're less frustated about the situation it will help your well being and you will cope better.you say no reason behind it all,that's because there's no logic in the thought process anymore,people with dementia are delearning don't forget.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP
You may find this fact sheet useful https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=1408

 

[ChristineK]

Thank you everyone for replying.
I think we're just beginning to really accept now that this is demetia and not some weird potentially fixable obsession that we can cure or make go away.
I've never really seen it present in this particular way, I have more seen more people be forgetful, waiting for their long dead mum or husband to come home, confusion, not recognising people. Gran is completely normal, switched on, knows everyone, keeps up with current affairs, everything. Apart from this fixation with the neighbours.

It was a bit of an eye opener reading the thread on here called So Birazze, or something like that, over 300 pages of people's imaginings and confabulations. I'm glad I did. It's helpful knowing others are dealing with similar things.

Anyway, it is what it is, we can't fix it. We just have to find ways to deal with it. I think we are doing too much reasoning and arguing and trying to persuade her it's not true. Because to agree with her is sort of validating her belief that her neighbours are horrible people who are trying to poison her and kill her, and if she then says to someone else 'oh my granddaughter believes me' then that makes it more real to others outsid the family. But I am realising the more I read that we will never ever persuade her. So we need to do what makes things less stressful for her, and more importantly for us.

Luckily she doesn't really seem anxious or upset as such about someone trying to poison her to death which is a good thing, but she gets very upset and angry when we don't seem to believe her. It's like this sort of look comes over her and she acts like a completely different person.

It's a funny old thing, the mind.

 

[looviloo]

I think we are doing too much reasoning and arguing and trying to persuade her it's not true. Because to agree with her is sort of validating her belief that her neighbours are horrible people who are trying to poison her and kill her, and if she then says to someone else 'oh my granddaughter believes me' then that makes it more real to others outsid the family. But I am realising the more I read that we will never ever persuade her. So we need to do what makes things less stressful for her, and more importantly for us.

I believe you have reached the right conclusion - that you have to find a way of not distressing your gran, while at the same time not fully agreeing with her. In my experience you will never be able to persuade her that the delusions are wrong, but you might be able to use vague responses to keep her from getting distressed.

The night-time delusions were a symptom of my dad's dementia, prior to diagnosis. He had some strange and wonderful tales about the police turning up in the small hours of the morning and arresting one of the neighbours, or people throwing bricks at his windows. None of it was true. If I disagreed with him he got quite upset. So I would make remarks such as 'oh that's unfortunate, but at least it's sorted out now'. Or 'that's very interesting... oh look, it's raining outside (distraction)'.

These delusions were one of the triggers that pushed me to get the GP involved. I've mentioned in other posts that my dad's memory was less of a problem than his ability to reason and the delusions he suffered. We later found out that he has vascular dementia and at the time this was going on he was probably dehydrated, definitely not eating properly, and stock-piling his medication because he believed it wasn't helping him. Dad's now settled in a care home where he is much more stable, although I still get the odd stories from time to time... thankfully most of them are harmless now and less distressing, presumably because his anxiety levels have gone down.

I hope this helps, and wish you lots of luck... it's a difficult situation :-/.

 

[ChristineK]

The night-time delusions were a symptom of my dad's dementia, prior to diagnosis. He had some strange and wonderful tales about the police turning up in the small hours of the morning and arresting one of the neighbours, or people throwing bricks at his windows. None of it was true. If I disagreed with him he got quite upset. So I would make remarks such as 'oh that's unfortunate, but at least it's sorted out now'. Or 'that's very interesting... oh look, it's raining outside (distraction)'.

That's funny, that's almost exactly the sort of stuff we are hearing.

She's very persistent, not easily put off. She's now asking to be taken to the police station to report her neighbours.

 

[Tin]

Hopefully the neighbours understand completely about dementia and how it manifests itself. keep them onside, show them how appreciative you are, shower them with flowers and chocolates.

There have been a few threads about long suffering neighbours. Fortunately I don't have this problem with my mum, although she does sometimes get quite gossipy or nasty about some of my visiting friends, never to their faces, always after they have gone. I am ususually the subject of her accusations.

 

[canary]

It might be worthwhile contacting the police and explaining the situation just in case she does contact them.

 

[Beate]

ChristineK, you might find "The Little Girl in the Radiator" by Martin Slevin a very interesting read. It describes very vividly the author's mother's struggle with delusions and hallucinations and is a very good read.

 

[ChristineK]

ChristineK, you might find "The Little Girl in the Radiator" by Martin Slevin a very interesting read. It describes very vividly the author's mother's struggle with delusions and hallucinations and is a very good read.

Thanks, I've downloaded it to my kindle to read later. Makes me a bit nervous, I'm still not quite ready to accept that this is just going to get worse, not better.

My 3 yr old is going through a spell of saying 'when I was a baby I flew a plane/climbed Mount Everest/ stayed in a hotel all by myself and made 7 waffles for breakfast......' Feels like I'm dealing with fantastical tales from all directions, but at least he'll grow out of it.