Hello, I have been caring for my Nan for almost 2 years. My Nan was in brilliant health and put of the blue had a massive stroke and died 2 weeks later. The shock of it all has literally thrown me sideways. And the range of emotions that I've experienced since being told your Nan may die tonight (the night of the stroke) to surviving two weeks and then dying two days ago.
I will tell you a little more about our story... Nearly 2 years ago, I was travelling the world, free spirited and loving life. I was living in Australia, just about to hop over to New Zealand then hoped to move to New York. I got a phone call from home saying nan had broken her leg and that she may not survive the operation as she had been a heavy smoker. I vowed to myself in that moment, if nan survived the operation, I would drop everything and come back to care for her as it was "decided" by family if nan survived the operation "the best place for her would be a care home"
I put these in inverted commas as what I was about to learn is the speed that health professionals, "experts" ie social services etc and also family members "decide" what the best is for someone with "an awful condition like Alzhimers"
Well I never thought like that and I certainly knew my nan well enough to know how she would hate being moved into a care home. So I packed my bags, flew back from Sydney and on the day that my nan was to be moved into a nursing home (her bags were already packed up by family members) I rocked up from the hospital after a 31 hour flight (eek!) and announced to all the "experts" nan can come home, ill be her carer. I was asked "you know it's a 24/7 role?" I said yes! And you know your nan is doubly incontinent? I said yes and lastly you really think you could manage and I said a resounding yes!
For me and nan had the most magical bond, always had done and I wholeheartedly believed she would thrive and live life to the full.
The amount of obstacles thrown at me during the Alzhimers journey were overwhelming at first, ie nan not wanting to eat or drink, the double incontinece, the repetition, the occasional aggression etc. but I always found a way believing that our love would transcend Alzhimers. After one year of caring for nan full time I had her going to an amazing day centre five times a week, a singing club. She had an amazing appetite because I routinely ate with her. She drank a pint of squash a day as I would sit next to her drinking with her telling her I needed her help to make me drink so my tablets would work on and it would help her tablets worked too. I toilet end her on the commode and have her regular personal care and the best bit treated nan with the upmost respect. To me Alzhimers was a friend to be welcomed and accepted into our home environment and every day we sang, played music, laughed and loved each other.
It of course had its challenges, for example nan started getting angry saying "I don't live here, this is not my home.." To which I learnt ways to deal with. I got her a beautiful teddy that had stitched onto its stomach "can I come home with you?" I would poke it through the door before I brought her coffee and validate her, saying the builders have almost finished your house, tomorrow you will be going home! I used to snuggle up with her and watch tv programmes and would hold her hand and massage her back.
As I put her nappies on I would talk to her in different accents, making her howl with laughter. Me and nan had an un breakable bond.
So many people told me how it wasnt possible, how I should put her in a home. Well I had the most amazing two years of my life with nan truly cherishing each and every moment. She forgot her house but she never forgot me and even when she had her massive stroke (brain bleed) :-( I was with her holding her hand, I didn't realise at the time what was happening to her but was sat in her bed, stroking her hair telling her how much I loved her and then the stroke happened right in front of my eyes.
Nan died 2 days ago and I am in a huge state of shock. And am experiencing such overwhelming emotions from shell shock, just staring into space, to weeping to numbness to anger. The reason I'm angry is that during those two years my sister never rang me, never visited me but then like some kind of martyr came to visit nan as she was dying and the anger I feel just feels abnormally extreme. When I heard my sister telling everyone how "broken and upset" she is it provoked such an anger within me. (I didn't articulate this to her) but I believed in nan, cared for her, and slowly grieved over two years for my sister to turn up just before her death. Gosh I'm sorry if this all seems so angry and inappropriate. I'm even angry at myself for letting it bother me.
Does anyone else have experience with grief? I'm absolutely terrified of the future as I have been caring for nan for the last two years and re adjusting to a life of not being a carer any more is so lonely as that was my every day role for the last two years.
It would be amazing to have a friendly reply from people on this forum. I am so happy and proud that I believed in nan. I came up with so much opposition from so many different people. But the week before nan had her stroke she had been to her day centre every day for a week which she loved, she had laughed, sung, danced and we had told each other just how much we loved each other.
I love her so much!!!! I feel completely numb and scared for the future. Virtual hugs would be appreciated!
I will tell you a little more about our story... Nearly 2 years ago, I was travelling the world, free spirited and loving life. I was living in Australia, just about to hop over to New Zealand then hoped to move to New York. I got a phone call from home saying nan had broken her leg and that she may not survive the operation as she had been a heavy smoker. I vowed to myself in that moment, if nan survived the operation, I would drop everything and come back to care for her as it was "decided" by family if nan survived the operation "the best place for her would be a care home"
I put these in inverted commas as what I was about to learn is the speed that health professionals, "experts" ie social services etc and also family members "decide" what the best is for someone with "an awful condition like Alzhimers"
Well I never thought like that and I certainly knew my nan well enough to know how she would hate being moved into a care home. So I packed my bags, flew back from Sydney and on the day that my nan was to be moved into a nursing home (her bags were already packed up by family members) I rocked up from the hospital after a 31 hour flight (eek!) and announced to all the "experts" nan can come home, ill be her carer. I was asked "you know it's a 24/7 role?" I said yes! And you know your nan is doubly incontinent? I said yes and lastly you really think you could manage and I said a resounding yes!
For me and nan had the most magical bond, always had done and I wholeheartedly believed she would thrive and live life to the full.
The amount of obstacles thrown at me during the Alzhimers journey were overwhelming at first, ie nan not wanting to eat or drink, the double incontinece, the repetition, the occasional aggression etc. but I always found a way believing that our love would transcend Alzhimers. After one year of caring for nan full time I had her going to an amazing day centre five times a week, a singing club. She had an amazing appetite because I routinely ate with her. She drank a pint of squash a day as I would sit next to her drinking with her telling her I needed her help to make me drink so my tablets would work on and it would help her tablets worked too. I toilet end her on the commode and have her regular personal care and the best bit treated nan with the upmost respect. To me Alzhimers was a friend to be welcomed and accepted into our home environment and every day we sang, played music, laughed and loved each other.
It of course had its challenges, for example nan started getting angry saying "I don't live here, this is not my home.." To which I learnt ways to deal with. I got her a beautiful teddy that had stitched onto its stomach "can I come home with you?" I would poke it through the door before I brought her coffee and validate her, saying the builders have almost finished your house, tomorrow you will be going home! I used to snuggle up with her and watch tv programmes and would hold her hand and massage her back.
As I put her nappies on I would talk to her in different accents, making her howl with laughter. Me and nan had an un breakable bond.
So many people told me how it wasnt possible, how I should put her in a home. Well I had the most amazing two years of my life with nan truly cherishing each and every moment. She forgot her house but she never forgot me and even when she had her massive stroke (brain bleed) :-( I was with her holding her hand, I didn't realise at the time what was happening to her but was sat in her bed, stroking her hair telling her how much I loved her and then the stroke happened right in front of my eyes.
Nan died 2 days ago and I am in a huge state of shock. And am experiencing such overwhelming emotions from shell shock, just staring into space, to weeping to numbness to anger. The reason I'm angry is that during those two years my sister never rang me, never visited me but then like some kind of martyr came to visit nan as she was dying and the anger I feel just feels abnormally extreme. When I heard my sister telling everyone how "broken and upset" she is it provoked such an anger within me. (I didn't articulate this to her) but I believed in nan, cared for her, and slowly grieved over two years for my sister to turn up just before her death. Gosh I'm sorry if this all seems so angry and inappropriate. I'm even angry at myself for letting it bother me.
Does anyone else have experience with grief? I'm absolutely terrified of the future as I have been caring for nan for the last two years and re adjusting to a life of not being a carer any more is so lonely as that was my every day role for the last two years.
It would be amazing to have a friendly reply from people on this forum. I am so happy and proud that I believed in nan. I came up with so much opposition from so many different people. But the week before nan had her stroke she had been to her day centre every day for a week which she loved, she had laughed, sung, danced and we had told each other just how much we loved each other.
I love her so much!!!! I feel completely numb and scared for the future. Virtual hugs would be appreciated!