My beautiful Nan died and I feel so lost. Would love people to reply to this thread.

[IloveNan]

Hello, I have been caring for my Nan for almost 2 years. My Nan was in brilliant health and put of the blue had a massive stroke and died 2 weeks later. The shock of it all has literally thrown me sideways. And the range of emotions that I've experienced since being told your Nan may die tonight (the night of the stroke) to surviving two weeks and then dying two days ago.

I will tell you a little more about our story... Nearly 2 years ago, I was travelling the world, free spirited and loving life. I was living in Australia, just about to hop over to New Zealand then hoped to move to New York. I got a phone call from home saying nan had broken her leg and that she may not survive the operation as she had been a heavy smoker. I vowed to myself in that moment, if nan survived the operation, I would drop everything and come back to care for her as it was "decided" by family if nan survived the operation "the best place for her would be a care home"

I put these in inverted commas as what I was about to learn is the speed that health professionals, "experts" ie social services etc and also family members "decide" what the best is for someone with "an awful condition like Alzhimers"

Well I never thought like that and I certainly knew my nan well enough to know how she would hate being moved into a care home. So I packed my bags, flew back from Sydney and on the day that my nan was to be moved into a nursing home (her bags were already packed up by family members) I rocked up from the hospital after a 31 hour flight (eek!) and announced to all the "experts" nan can come home, ill be her carer. I was asked "you know it's a 24/7 role?" I said yes! And you know your nan is doubly incontinent? I said yes and lastly you really think you could manage and I said a resounding yes!

For me and nan had the most magical bond, always had done and I wholeheartedly believed she would thrive and live life to the full.

The amount of obstacles thrown at me during the Alzhimers journey were overwhelming at first, ie nan not wanting to eat or drink, the double incontinece, the repetition, the occasional aggression etc. but I always found a way believing that our love would transcend Alzhimers. After one year of caring for nan full time I had her going to an amazing day centre five times a week, a singing club. She had an amazing appetite because I routinely ate with her. She drank a pint of squash a day as I would sit next to her drinking with her telling her I needed her help to make me drink so my tablets would work on and it would help her tablets worked too. I toilet end her on the commode and have her regular personal care and the best bit treated nan with the upmost respect. To me Alzhimers was a friend to be welcomed and accepted into our home environment and every day we sang, played music, laughed and loved each other.

It of course had its challenges, for example nan started getting angry saying "I don't live here, this is not my home.." To which I learnt ways to deal with. I got her a beautiful teddy that had stitched onto its stomach "can I come home with you?" I would poke it through the door before I brought her coffee and validate her, saying the builders have almost finished your house, tomorrow you will be going home! I used to snuggle up with her and watch tv programmes and would hold her hand and massage her back.

As I put her nappies on I would talk to her in different accents, making her howl with laughter. Me and nan had an un breakable bond.

So many people told me how it wasnt possible, how I should put her in a home. Well I had the most amazing two years of my life with nan truly cherishing each and every moment. She forgot her house but she never forgot me and even when she had her massive stroke (brain bleed) :-( I was with her holding her hand, I didn't realise at the time what was happening to her but was sat in her bed, stroking her hair telling her how much I loved her and then the stroke happened right in front of my eyes.

Nan died 2 days ago and I am in a huge state of shock. And am experiencing such overwhelming emotions from shell shock, just staring into space, to weeping to numbness to anger. The reason I'm angry is that during those two years my sister never rang me, never visited me but then like some kind of martyr came to visit nan as she was dying and the anger I feel just feels abnormally extreme. When I heard my sister telling everyone how "broken and upset" she is it provoked such an anger within me. (I didn't articulate this to her) but I believed in nan, cared for her, and slowly grieved over two years for my sister to turn up just before her death. Gosh I'm sorry if this all seems so angry and inappropriate. I'm even angry at myself for letting it bother me.

Does anyone else have experience with grief? I'm absolutely terrified of the future as I have been caring for nan for the last two years and re adjusting to a life of not being a carer any more is so lonely as that was my every day role for the last two years.

It would be amazing to have a friendly reply from people on this forum. I am so happy and proud that I believed in nan. I came up with so much opposition from so many different people. But the week before nan had her stroke she had been to her day centre every day for a week which she loved, she had laughed, sung, danced and we had told each other just how much we loved each other.

I love her so much!!!! I feel completely numb and scared for the future. Virtual hugs would be appreciated!

 

[Aisling]

Hello, I have been caring for my Nan for almost 2 years. My Nan was in brilliant health and put of the blue had a massive stroke and died 2 weeks later. The shock of it all has literally thrown me sideways. And the range of emotions that I've experienced since being told your Nan may die tonight (the night of the stroke) to surviving two weeks and then dying two days ago.

I will tell you a little more about our story... Nearly 2 years ago, I was travelling the world, free spirited and loving life. I was living in Australia, just about to hop over to New Zealand then hoped to move to New York. I got a phone call from home saying nan had broken her leg and that she may not survive the operation as she had been a heavy smoker. I vowed to myself in that moment, if nan survived the operation, I would drop everything and come back to care for her as it was "decided" by family if nan survived the operation "the best place for her would be a care home"

I put these in inverted commas as what I was about to learn is the speed that health professionals, "experts" ie social services etc and also family members "decide" what the best is for someone with "an awful condition like Alzhimers"

Well I never thought like that and I certainly knew my nan well enough to know how she would hate being moved into a care home. So I packed my bags, flew back from Sydney and on the day that my nan was to be moved into a nursing home (her bags were already packed up by family members) I rocked up from the hospital after a 31 hour flight (eek!) and announced to all the "experts" nan can come home, ill be her carer. I was asked "you know it's a 24/7 role?" I said yes! And you know your nan is doubly incontinent? I said yes and lastly you really think you could manage and I said a resounding yes!

For me and nan had the most magical bond, always had done and I wholeheartedly believed she would thrive and live life to the full.

The amount of obstacles thrown at me during the Alzhimers journey were overwhelming at first, ie nan not wanting to eat or drink, the double incontinece, the repetition, the occasional aggression etc. but I always found a way believing that our love would transcend Alzhimers. After one year of caring for nan full time I had her going to an amazing day centre five times a week, a singing club. She had an amazing appetite because I routinely ate with her. She drank a pint of squash a day as I would sit next to her drinking with her telling her I needed her help to make me drink so my tablets would work on and it would help her tablets worked too. I toilet end her on the commode and have her regular personal care and the best bit treated nan with the upmost respect. To me Alzhimers was a friend to be welcomed and accepted into our home environment and every day we sang, played music, laughed and loved each other.

It of course had its challenges, for example nan started getting angry saying "I don't live here, this is not my home.." To which I learnt ways to deal with. I got her a beautiful teddy that had stitched onto its stomach "can I come home with you?" I would poke it through the door before I brought her coffee and validate her, saying the builders have almost finished your house, tomorrow you will be going home! I used to snuggle up with her and watch tv programmes and would hold her hand and massage her back.

As I put her nappies on I would talk to her in different accents, making her howl with laughter. Me and nan had an un breakable bond.

So many people told me how it wasnt possible, how I should put her in a home. Well I had the most amazing two years of my life with nan truly cherishing each and every moment. She forgot her house but she never forgot me and even when she had her massive stroke (brain bleed) :-( I was with her holding her hand, I didn't realise at the time what was happening to her but was sat in her bed, stroking her hair telling her how much I loved her and then the stroke happened right in front of my eyes.

Nan died 2 days ago and I am in a huge state of shock. And am experiencing such overwhelming emotions from shell shock, just staring into space, to weeping to numbness to anger. The reason I'm angry is that during those two years my sister never rang me, never visited me but then like some kind of martyr came to visit nan as she was dying and the anger I feel just feels abnormally extreme. When I heard my sister telling everyone how "broken and upset" she is it provoked such an anger within me. (I didn't articulate this to her) but I believed in nan, cared for her, and slowly grieved over two years for my sister to turn up just before her death. Gosh I'm sorry if this all seems so angry and inappropriate. I'm even angry at myself for letting it bother me.

Does anyone else have experience with grief? I'm absolutely terrified of the future as I have been caring for nan for the last two years and re adjusting to a life of not being a carer any more is so lonely as that was my every day role for the last two years.

It would be amazing to have a friendly reply from people on this forum. I am so happy and proud that I believed in nan. I came up with so much opposition from so many different people. But the week before nan had her stroke she had been to her day centre every day for a week which she loved, she had laughed, sung, danced and we had told each other just how much we loved each other.

I love her so much!!!! I feel completely numb and scared for the future. Virtual hugs would be appreciated!

Am so sorry and sending you loads of virtual hugs.

Aisling xx

 

[disi]

I have read your very moving post about your lovely Nan and how you cared for her with great love. I'm sending you a massive (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) and hope you will feel better soon. disi xxxxx

 

[CeliaW]

IloveNan, I am so sorry that you have lost your beloved Nan. I am sure you will go through a whole range of emotions both about losing her and about others but, reading posts on here, you will find many do and it is, in its way, a healthy process.

But all the way through reading your post, my overwhelming thought was "Oh lucky lucky Nan", followed by "Lucky granddaughter to have had this very special time and bond"

And that is what you should try to keep uppermost in your mind, easy to type I know, not always so easy to do. But what you did and the memories you have are very precious and no one can take those away from you. And your sister doesnt have those, maybe she is regretful or guilty and so she is overplaying her upset. You will get upset by her and by other things and by missing your Nan, but try and keep pulling your thoughts back to all the great things you mentioned.

Life is obviously going to be very different for you now, which in itself is unsettling. I am sure your Nan would want you, her loving grandaughter, to do things that make you happy and to move on to new adventures when the time is right, knowing that the bond you had doesnt go, your Nan is still there in your heart and in your head in all those lovely, positive memories.

And of course you can have a big cyberhug, keep posting, keep talking to us and take good care of yourself xx

 

[Scarlett123]

Oh my goodness Sweetie, what a wise head you have on young shoulders. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through at the moment, and can only repeat what somebody said to me, after my husband died - "grief is the price you pay for loving someone so much".

Alas, all too often we read on here of The Ghosts who turn up at the 11th hour, or for the funeral, and I had many at my husband's, who had ignored both of us for years, and then acted like your sister.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time, but how lucky your Nan was to have you, and how proud she must be. And she will always watch over you. xxx

 

[irismary]

I am so sorry for your loss. You have been brilliant. I think your Nan would want you to move on with your life now - I know that's easier said the done but what you have done is exceptional, an inspiration to us all. I wish you all the very best xx

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My sympathies on your loss of your amazing nan. Grandmothers are very special and I miss mine, even at my age. (62)

But you had the best of it. I am sure your sister will deeply regret not having seen your nan but you will always have your memories and the knowledge of that special time together.

 

[Chemmy]

Wow, what an amazingly uplifting post. Your nan was one lucky lady.

My mum had Alzheimers for about twelve years and if she had "out of the blue had a massive stroke and died 2 weeks later", I know she would have been cheering.

Thanks to you, your nan has had the best possible care but having witnessed Mum's slow decline, I don't believe any of us would want to hang around to the bitter end. Death is not the thing we fear, it's the process of dying.

Be thankful that she is now set free from this dreadful disease and go back out into the world and make her proud.

And don't waste your energy being angry with your sister. She's the loser as she won't have the wonderful shared memories you have.

 

[jorgieporgie]

What a lovely grand daughter you are your nan was so lucky to have you in her life.
Big big hugs coming your way xxxx Do not be frightened what the future holds with your nan as your guardian angel I am sure life will be wonderful. xxxx

 

[IloveNan]

Thank you for the hug xx

 

[Babymare01]

Oh IloveNan I am actually shedding a tear here simply because what a wonderful loving caring person you are. As someone else has said a "wise head on young shouders". Your love for your Nan shines out of the screen and of course now and who knows for how long you will grieve. And you have every right to grieve sweetheart.

But I want to ask you a question. What would your lovely Nan want you to do now? what would she want to look down and see. Carry on your travels? Love and enjoy your life? That doesn't mean today/next month? but when you are ready what would your Nan say lovey. You have given a lot of love and care to your Nan and a credit to yourself how you coped. But now, in time, you need to look to your future.

So you grieve. you cry your tears but just think "what would your Nan say"

I wish you well for the future but remember we don't go away cause your Nan as left you. We are still here to offer a shoulder and support xxxxxx

 

[Julia B]

Huge virtual hug from me, what a lovely granddaughter you are, take care x

 

[sunray]

Always there is one person in the family who cares (I cared for my Mum, my Dad and my husband) and others who come and cry crocodile tears and that has to be okay. They will cry partly out of guilt and the sad thoughts will go again and they will return to whatever they were doing. The funeral etc will be hard to get through for you but in the end others will know what a wonderful relationship you and your Nan had and be a bit regretful they didn't share it.

The loss is tougher for the full-time carer and you will take a long time to adjust to your loss but you will be glad you had that marvelous relationship and will in time live off the happy memories you shared as I do with my Mum who had Alzheimers. The world is full of "show ponies" but it also contains a lot of loving, caring people like yourself and we as a society are richer because of them (and you).

Sue.

 

[Gooby]

A Medal! You deserve a gold medal for all you did for your Nan.

Hello, I have been caring for my Nan for almost 2 years. My Nan was in brilliant health and put of the blue had a massive stroke and died 2 weeks later. The shock of it all has literally thrown me sideways. And the range of emotions that I've experienced since being told your Nan may die tonight (the night of the stroke) to surviving two weeks and then dying two days ago.

I will tell you a little more about our story... Nearly 2 years ago, I was travelling the world, free spirited and loving life. I was living in Australia, just about to hop over to New Zealand then hoped to move to New York. I got a phone call from home saying nan had broken her leg and that she may not survive the operation as she had been a heavy smoker. I vowed to myself in that moment, if nan survived the operation, I would drop everything and come back to care for her as it was "decided" by family if nan survived the operation "the best place for her would be a care home"

I put these in inverted commas as what I was about to learn is the speed that health professionals, "experts" ie social services etc and also family members "decide" what the best is for someone with "an awful condition like Alzhimers"

Well I never thought like that and I certainly knew my nan well enough to know how she would hate being moved into a care home. So I packed my bags, flew back from Sydney and on the day that my nan was to be moved into a nursing home (her bags were already packed up by family members) I rocked up from the hospital after a 31 hour flight (eek!) and announced to all the "experts" nan can come home, ill be her carer. I was asked "you know it's a 24/7 role?" I said yes! And you know your nan is doubly incontinent? I said yes and lastly you really think you could manage and I said a resounding yes!

For me and nan had the most magical bond, always had done and I wholeheartedly believed she would thrive and live life to the full.

The amount of obstacles thrown at me during the Alzhimers journey were overwhelming at first, ie nan not wanting to eat or drink, the double incontinece, the repetition, the occasional aggression etc. but I always found a way believing that our love would transcend Alzhimers. After one year of caring for nan full time I had her going to an amazing day centre five times a week, a singing club. She had an amazing appetite because I routinely ate with her. She drank a pint of squash a day as I would sit next to her drinking with her telling her I needed her help to make me drink so my tablets would work on and it would help her tablets worked too. I toilet end her on the commode and have her regular personal care and the best bit treated nan with the upmost respect. To me Alzhimers was a friend to be welcomed and accepted into our home environment and every day we sang, played music, laughed and loved each other.

It of course had its challenges, for example nan started getting angry saying "I don't live here, this is not my home.." To which I learnt ways to deal with. I got her a beautiful teddy that had stitched onto its stomach "can I come home with you?" I would poke it through the door before I brought her coffee and validate her, saying the builders have almost finished your house, tomorrow you will be going home! I used to snuggle up with her and watch tv programmes and would hold her hand and massage her back.

As I put her nappies on I would talk to her in different accents, making her howl with laughter. Me and nan had an un breakable bond.

So many people told me how it wasnt possible, how I should put her in a home. Well I had the most amazing two years of my life with nan truly cherishing each and every moment. She forgot her house but she never forgot me and even when she had her massive stroke (brain bleed) :-( I was with her holding her hand, I didn't realise at the time what was happening to her but was sat in her bed, stroking her hair telling her how much I loved her and then the stroke happened right in front of my eyes.

Nan died 2 days ago and I am in a huge state of shock. And am experiencing such overwhelming emotions from shell shock, just staring into space, to weeping to numbness to anger. The reason I'm angry is that during those two years my sister never rang me, never visited me but then like some kind of martyr came to visit nan as she was dying and the anger I feel just feels abnormally extreme. When I heard my sister telling everyone how "broken and upset" she is it provoked such an anger within me. (I didn't articulate this to her) but I believed in nan, cared for her, and slowly grieved over two years for my sister to turn up just before her death. Gosh I'm sorry if this all seems so angry and inappropriate. I'm even angry at myself for letting it bother me.

Does anyone else have experience with grief? I'm absolutely terrified of the future as I have been caring for nan for the last two years and re adjusting to a life of not being a carer any more is so lonely as that was my every day role for the last two years.

It would be amazing to have a friendly reply from people on this forum. I am so happy and proud that I believed in nan. I came up with so much opposition from so many different people. But the week before nan had her stroke she had been to her day centre every day for a week which she loved, she had laughed, sung, danced and we had told each other just how much we loved each other.

I love her so much!!!! I feel completely numb and scared for the future. Virtual hugs would be appreciated!

You deserve a huge gold medal for your care of your Nan. Take comfort from that and
I'm sure she would be asking you to get on with your own life now - Gooby

 

[jjude]

I am with you all the way. I to cared for dad for two years and they became the most precious profound beautiful two years of my life. I loved looking after him and our bond got stronger and stronger. I miss him and dare I say it I miss dementia as without it I wouldn't have had the truly special time that we shared. When he died I wrote a poem and a voice told me I was going to read it at his funeral which I did. Everything I felt went into that poem and I read it loud pure and clear. I hold onto that and recite it To myself Every day. I keep focused on his wonderful life and a life truly well lived and celebrate that fact. I try not to focus on his death but focus on his life which makes me smile and feel proud. I also feel proud of myself for everything we shared and that in turn brings me great comfort. I just wanted to share my story so you don't feel alone. Be proud of yourself and be proud of your nan xxx

 

[DMac]

Ilovenan, I was truly moved to read your touching account of how you cared for your lovely nan. I hope you take some comfort from the kind words offered by others.

When I was your age (a long time ago!), I lost my mum to cancer. We had a strong bond and I thought I would never recover. But I did, I went on to have a successful career, a marriage to a lovely man and a privileged life filled with travel and exciting adventures.

Two years ago, I stepped in to help care for my parents-in-law, both with dementia, and father-in-law with a long list of physical ailments as well. It has been a difficult time, made worse by disagreements with a certain family member who feels I have been 'over-caring' towards them. My father-in-law passed away two weeks ago, and I find myself once again feeling the same kind of grief I felt all those years ago when my mum died. The difference is, this time I have the benefit of my previous experience to realise that this is a process I have to go through, and it's natural, even healthy to grieve. I know that I will get through this, and there will be fun times again and the sun will shine another day.

For you, I guess you can't see an end to all of this just now. I just want to reassure you that this WILL end, and you will get to enjoy those carefree days again. As others have said, it's what your nan would have wanted for you. I'm sure she will be your guardian angel and will be looking out for you, just as my mum still is for me.

Wishing you peace and serenity in the days ahead. xx

 

[Lovely day]

Lovely day

Hello, I have been caring for my Nan for almost 2 years. My Nan was in brilliant health and put of the blue had a massive stroke and died 2 weeks later. The shock of it all has literally thrown me sideways. And the range of emotions that I've experienced since being told your Nan may die tonight (the night of the stroke) to surviving two weeks and then dying two days ago.

I will tell you a little more about our story... Nearly 2 years ago, I was travelling the world, free spirited and loving life. I was living in Australia, just about to hop over to New Zealand then hoped to move to New York. I got a phone call from home saying nan had broken her leg and that she may not survive the operation as she had been a heavy smoker. I vowed to myself in that moment, if nan survived the operation, I would drop everything and come back to care for her as it was "decided" by family if nan survived the operation "the best place for her would be a care home"

I put these in inverted commas as what I was about to learn is the speed that health professionals, "experts" ie social services etc and also family members "decide" what the best is for someone with "an awful condition like Alzhimers"

Well I never thought like that and I certainly knew my nan well enough to know how she would hate being moved into a care home. So I packed my bags, flew back from Sydney and on the day that my nan was to be moved into a nursing home (her bags were already packed up by family members) I rocked up from the hospital after a 31 hour flight (eek!) and announced to all the "experts" nan can come home, ill be her carer. I was asked "you know it's a 24/7 role?" I said yes! And you know your nan is doubly incontinent? I said yes and lastly you really think you could manage and I said a resounding yes!

For me and nan had the most magical bond, always had done and I wholeheartedly believed she would thrive and live life to the full.

The amount of obstacles thrown at me during the Alzhimers journey were overwhelming at first, ie nan not wanting to eat or drink, the double incontinece, the repetition, the occasional aggression etc. but I always found a way believing that our love would transcend Alzhimers. After one year of caring for nan full time I had her going to an amazing day centre five times a week, a singing club. She had an amazing appetite because I routinely ate with her. She drank a pint of squash a day as I would sit next to her drinking with her telling her I needed her help to make me drink so my tablets would work on and it would help her tablets worked too. I toilet end her on the commode and have her regular personal care and the best bit treated nan with the upmost respect. To me Alzhimers was a friend to be welcomed and accepted into our home environment and every day we sang, played music, laughed and loved each other.

It of course had its challenges, for example nan started getting angry saying "I don't live here, this is not my home.." To which I learnt ways to deal with. I got her a beautiful teddy that had stitched onto its stomach "can I come home with you?" I would poke it through the door before I brought her coffee and validate her, saying the builders have almost finished your house, tomorrow you will be going home! I used to snuggle up with her and watch tv programmes and would hold her hand and massage her back.

As I put her nappies on I would talk to her in different accents, making her howl with laughter. Me and nan had an un breakable bond.

So many people told me how it wasnt possible, how I should put her in a home. Well I had the most amazing two years of my life with nan truly cherishing each and every moment. She forgot her house but she never forgot me and even when she had her massive stroke (brain bleed) :-( I was with her holding her hand, I didn't realise at the time what was happening to her but was sat in her bed, stroking her hair telling her how much I loved her and then the stroke happened right in front of my eyes.

Nan died 2 days ago and I am in a huge state of shock. And am experiencing such overwhelming emotions from shell shock, just staring into space, to weeping to numbness to anger. The reason I'm angry is that during those two years my sister never rang me, never visited me but then like some kind of martyr came to visit nan as she was dying and the anger I feel just feels abnormally extreme. When I heard my sister telling everyone how "broken and upset" she is it provoked such an anger within me. (I didn't articulate this to her) but I believed in nan, cared for her, and slowly grieved over two years for my sister to turn up just before her death. Gosh I'm sorry if this all seems so angry and inappropriate. I'm even angry at myself for letting it bother me.

Does anyone else have experience with grief? I'm absolutely terrified of the future as I have been caring for nan for the last two years and re adjusting to a life of not being a carer any more is so lonely as that was my every day role for the last two years.

It would be amazing to have a friendly reply from people on this forum. I am so happy and proud that I believed in nan. I came up with so much opposition from so many different people. But the week before nan had her stroke she had been to her day centre every day for a week which she loved, she had laughed, sung, danced and we had told each other just how much we loved each other.

I love her so much!!!! I feel completely numb and scared for the future. Virtual hugs would be appreciated!

A good girl, so proud of you, what a joy you are, you are what it means to be human, made in gods image with his cardinal qualities of love power goodness justice, the bible says above all things love never fails, it also says that there is a time to dance, a time to laugh and a time to cry, also it says one of the Ten Commandments, honour your father and your mother, you have done this to man in a very self sacrificing way, because you loved so much, you had a time with her that the others can never have and you will come thru, I know you will as you're very nature proves that, you are positive. And I'm proud of you even though I've never met you . Xx