Delusions, lies and possible consequences.

[rainsong]

This evening my husband went to visit his mother (who has dementia and lives alone with carers in the morning) as he or I do every evening to make her evening meal, give her medication, collect her dirty laundry etc.
Tonight she was very upset and crying. She asked my hubby if I (she used my name) was his wife. He said yes (we have been married for 19 years) then she said that I had come to her house and told her she needs to do everything I tell her and that I grabbed her head and slammed it down on the table.
I had been to visit her yesterday for her evening visit but this most definitely did not happen. I would never do anything like that. Thankfully my husband knows that she is making it up. This is not the first time she has made up stories about me. I don't know why she makes up stories about me like this. I suspect it is attention seeking.
What I worry about is if she tells other people these stories they may believe them to be true. My job depends on my reputation being spotless and if she makes these allegations to her carers they will have to report them to the relevant authority. As the main wage earner for our family I can't afford to lose my professional registration due to her allegations.
My husband says I am not to visit her anymore. But I worry that it is too much for him to go every night as he always comes home depressed after visiting her.
Do you think I am worrying needlessly? I am really upset about this especially as I spent my whole day off shopping for new clothes for her.

 

[marionq]

Your husband is right. Stay away for a month then go back in his company and see how she is. She may be a bit jealous of the attention you get from her son and this is her way of punishing you. It is of course the fruit of a deluded mind so don't take it to heart but you can't risk your reputation either. Stick to the background stuff like laundry and food to help your husband.

 

[RedLou]

Your husband is right. He would worry more perhaps if you continued visiting on your own, so don't fret too much about him taking it on.

 

[Ann Mac]

I don't know if it helps you to know this, but my Mum in law makes some dreadful allegations about the way I treat her. In fact, accusing me of all sorts of wrong doings and awful behaviour was one of the earliest symptoms/issues we had to face. It started with her saying to friends that I was trying to keep her from her grandchildren and that I was deliberately trying to 'drive her mad' and 'making up lies about her', and has progressed to the point now where I am regularly acused of beating her with a wooden spoon, spitting in her food, pinching and punching her, pushing her over and laughing at her, kicking her and a whole list of other abusive behaviour. Its horrible, but the one thing that had made it easier (in a very odd way) is that as time has gone on, the list of people she accuses of doing everything from stealing from her to physically abusing her has grown to encompass just about everyone she comes into contact with. When her son, my husband first started to be accused of 'slapping her in the face' and all sorts of other horrible acts (all reported in a very plasible manner and with Mil often crying and seemingly very upset and scared) it caused him the sort of worry that you describe, as he works supporting vulnerable adults and like you, cannot afford to have any question mark hanging over his behaviour.

The advice to stay away, at least for a while, is good - this may give her chance to get over her delusional thinking towards you. It might also be worth speaking to GP, Social Worker or CPN to let them know what is happening and see if you can get any additional suport for her care, expecially if you are worried about your husband coping.

I do sympathise, though - even now Mils accusations have the power to really upset me sometimes. They are so hurful and make me feel vulnerable, even when I know that all of the people involved in her care are very aware that she behaves ike this.

 

[The Watcher]

I had a similar situation with my Aunt who I care for, making up stories about me, saying that I was coercing her into things, which was very hurtful as I was doing nothing of the sort. Thankfully she has never falsely accused anyone of physical abuse, but then she herself can get physically abusive!

I also agree that staying away from her for a while is a good idea to break the cycle, and if/when you do start to go back, don't go on your own to begin with. You could also get a personal camera, like a go-pro or something, so that if the accusations start up again, you will be able to protect yourself with video evidence that they are untrue

 

[rainsong]

Thank you everyone for your kind advice. I will stay away from her for at least a month. Hopefully that will give her time to forget this delusion.

 

[Grace L]

When my husband started to accuse me of starving him, forgetting to feed him, or give him medication
I told him the Doctors wanted him to keep a written diary of what he was eating and when / times he was taking medication.

Late husband had VaD.... he had a number of TiAs and seizures.
I told him (LWL) the Doctor needs to see what he is eating to see if it helps with his seizures.
In my husbands 'head' he thought if he didn't have seizures then he would be able to drive.

Husband told SW on more than one occasion I was forgetting to feed him.
SW always believed my husband , and asked me Why I was doing that?
Husband chipped in that ... I had memory problems !!
Same with CPN , he told CPN I was not giving him medication and keeping it for myself.
CPN was OK believed me not my husband.

In the beginning husband was OK with using diary's and calendars, but then he accused me of lying and copying his handwriting to make it 'look like' I had fed him or given him his medication.

I stopped this when he lost the ability to write, as what he was trying to write was jumbled.

SW and I did not have a good relationship, and I felt I needed to 'cover myself' to prove that I was not abusing my husband.
SW used to try and get husband to say XXX , as if to trip him up and make him say I was abusing him by not feeding him, or giving him medication. None of it true.

Husband would also say I had not helped him shower or wash for days on end, and that is why he smells.

Occasionally he would say I had hurt him, but he could not remember how, or why.
He would see a bruise on his arm , and make up a story to go with it.
Husband on blood thinners (stroke) so bruised easily.

I hated this part of being a wife/ carer, and feeling like I had to prove I was not hurting him.

 

[cragmaid]

Bear in mind that the " X came in and beat me" stories may continue even though you have never been anywhere near your MIL.
There is little you can do to prevent it, but at least you know you are in the clear.
Of course, you'll probably get called all that's evil for not going to visit her such is life