My mum has had dementia for sometime now, with the only really symptom being short term memory loss. Things like going in the kitchen and forgetting what she went there for or repeating a question to us. Over the last 6 months things have got a lot worse, with her partner my step dad now doing most things for her , like cooking, cleaning etc. In the last week though she has turned so angry, going from wanting to marry my stepdad to hating him, wanting to sell the house and live on her own. You can calmly talk to her about this, but if you don't agree with her she gets so angry. She won't or can't tell me why suddenly she feels like this. Which I think is because she's so confused. I just don't know what to say to her, whether to just say ok mum if that's how you feel. I'm worried as she keeps threatening to chuck my stepdad out, but she wouldn't be able to live on her own. I keep hoping she'll wake up the next morning and have forgotten, which normally would happen, but this anger seems to be going on for nearly a week now. Any suggestions would really help, thanks
My mum so angry
- Thread starter bunnc_2000
- Start date
Hi, dad was the same in the early stages of vascular dementia, fell out with his friends due to his anger and unreasonable behaviour and many falling out with the family. We tried to reason with him to no avail, once he was diognosed,we then understand why he had behaving this way. Our approach was to simply to agree and not argue, his anger did pass but now he is completely the opposite. He sleeps all the time and is completely disengaged with the world. I understand it is difficult, but far better than having no engagement at all.
Leeds
My mum was/is exactly the same and the last few years when my dad was alive were hell as they constantly battled and fought unless you said what mum wanted to hear. My dad wouldn't as he felt frustrated I guess. I find even now, mum flies off the handle if you say the opposite of what she wants to hear. The fact she has dementia will be making her feel confused and maybe frightened and this can make her react this way. To keep the peace it's worth just agreeing, hard as it may be. It may help to speak to the Gp see if they can prescribe some medication that may help.
Hello and welcome to Talking Point
You may find this thread helpful as it explains techniques for improving ways of communicating with your mum
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Aggressive behaviour is often a reaction to being scared..and who wouldn't be if you sensed you were losing control? I wish I had understood that better in the early stages of my mum's illness.
You'll find lots of support on the forum so do keep posting.
You may find this thread helpful as it explains techniques for improving ways of communicating with your mum
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Aggressive behaviour is often a reaction to being scared..and who wouldn't be if you sensed you were losing control? I wish I had understood that better in the early stages of my mum's illness.
You'll find lots of support on the forum so do keep posting.
This might help: http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
The paragraph that has the most impact on me is
"They are scared all the time. Each patient reacts differently to fear. They may become passive, uncooperative, hostile, angry, agitated, verbally abusive, or physically combative. They may even do them all at different times, or alternate between them. Anxiety may compel them to shadow you (follow everywhere). Anxiety compels them to resist changes in routine, even pleasant ones. Your goal is to reduce anxiety whenever possible. Also, they can’t remember your reassurances. Keep saying them."
The paragraph that has the most impact on me is
"They are scared all the time. Each patient reacts differently to fear. They may become passive, uncooperative, hostile, angry, agitated, verbally abusive, or physically combative. They may even do them all at different times, or alternate between them. Anxiety may compel them to shadow you (follow everywhere). Anxiety compels them to resist changes in routine, even pleasant ones. Your goal is to reduce anxiety whenever possible. Also, they can’t remember your reassurances. Keep saying them."
It is horrible dealing with the anger 
I find with my mum it is best to be sympathetic but I don't agree with her as my aim is to defuse her mood. I normally just offer stock phrases like "oh well worse things happen at sea" or "things will be different tomorrow, it will all blow over" and then change the subject to something completely different. She does take against Dad for things like being left alone for a few minutes because he goes to the loo or takes a shower and she then accuses him of being unkind to her. I don't want to feed into her delusion or put fuel on the fire plus I just can't go along with criticising Dad as he is a saint for the way he cares for her.
I find with my mum it is best to be sympathetic but I don't agree with her as my aim is to defuse her mood. I normally just offer stock phrases like "oh well worse things happen at sea" or "things will be different tomorrow, it will all blow over" and then change the subject to something completely different. She does take against Dad for things like being left alone for a few minutes because he goes to the loo or takes a shower and she then accuses him of being unkind to her. I don't want to feed into her delusion or put fuel on the fire plus I just can't go along with criticising Dad as he is a saint for the way he cares for her.
Thank you
It was interesting to hear other people's situations and how my mums behaviour is normal (but not if you know what I mean)
I'm going to pass that link onto my stepdad too as it was very interesting to read how to respond/communicate. Think I've been trying to reason with her too much and should just agree and try to change the subject otherwise we go round in circles.
Thanks all
It was interesting to hear other people's situations and how my mums behaviour is normal (but not if you know what I mean)
I'm going to pass that link onto my stepdad too as it was very interesting to read how to respond/communicate. Think I've been trying to reason with her too much and should just agree and try to change the subject otherwise we go round in circles.
Thanks all
Hello, bunnc, and if nobody has said it, welcome to TP.
The compassionate communication is good advice. It's harder to do than it sounds, especially at first, but it does get easier after a while.
My mother's neurologist explained once that delusions (a false, fixed belief) are very common with dementia and that it's almost never a good choice to try to contradict or argue with a delusion. The PWD (person with dementia) can't do logical, reasoning thinking (or not consistently, at any rate) and you will get nowhere. It also can escalate the situation and of course it's no good for anyone, to get upset and have an argument. While the PWD often is not able to remember the discussion or argument, they can remember the feeling of being upset/angry/unpleasantness and that feeling may recur when 1) the same subject comes up again and/or 2) the same person is with them.
That's a long winded way to say, it's always better avoid upset!
A technique that was taught to me was to listen to the PWD voice their delusion, offer some noncommittal, generalized response, then offer reassurance, and then distract. It doesn't always work, granted, but sometimes it does.
So if the PWD has a delusion that someone is stealing their socks, for example, they might say, oh, I can't find my red socks again, those horrible people, they're stealing my socks, I can't stand it, it's terrible about my socks.
If dementia weren't in the picture, I'd say, don't be silly, Mum, why on earth would anyone want to steal your nasty old socks? The carers wouldn't do that. I'm sure they're just lost. I'll help you find your socks. A perfectly reasonable response, but not to a PWD.
To Mum with Dementia I'd say, no, really? Stealing your socks? Oh, my, that's terrible (all with a lot of shocked tone of voice and warm body language). I'm very sorry to hear that someone is stealing your socks. Of course you're upset. Who wouldn't be upset? Anyone in your position would be upset, of course they would. I'll tell you what I will do, I will look into that for you/take care of that for you, and I will let you know what I find out. Okay? Do you know, I'm thirsty (hungry, whatever) and am going to go get a cup of tea/coffee/have some ice cream, shall I get some for you? And then off into domestic prattle, or go for a walk, or put something favourite on the telly, or whatever.
A "conversation" with someone with dementia is always a sort of roller coaster ride and it often feels very surreal. We've had threads here before, about just that. I remember one day we had my mother out for lunch and shopping (she lives in a care home) and she'd been very "normal" that day and I was thinking how nice it was that it was so normal, for a change. Just then she looked out the car window and saw a bird, a very ordinary bird for around here, and said, in a deeply excited tone, "Look! An eagle! It's a golden eagle! Look at it go!" and then we were off on this conversation about an eagle. We don't have those where we live and even if we did, I doubt we'd see one flying around the car park at the local supermarket!
Often I think that acting classes would have been good training for dealing with dementia, that or improv comedy, or both. My mother can't always follow all of a conversation, or doesn't always hear or see things, but she can hone in on any tiny change of voice, body language, or facial expression with scary, laser-like intensity. I can't ever show any kind of upset or frustration or irritation or anything other than calm around her, or she focuses on it and gets upset. I figure I will come out of all this a champion liar or actress, depending on how you look at it.
Sorry for the long ramble, there. I do hope your mother calms down over time. If she doesn't, it wouldn't hurt to talk to the GP and/or Memory Clinic, to see if medication might be indicated at some point. It's also possible there may be changes in routine or environment that might help. Wishing you all the best.
The compassionate communication is good advice. It's harder to do than it sounds, especially at first, but it does get easier after a while.
My mother's neurologist explained once that delusions (a false, fixed belief) are very common with dementia and that it's almost never a good choice to try to contradict or argue with a delusion. The PWD (person with dementia) can't do logical, reasoning thinking (or not consistently, at any rate) and you will get nowhere. It also can escalate the situation and of course it's no good for anyone, to get upset and have an argument. While the PWD often is not able to remember the discussion or argument, they can remember the feeling of being upset/angry/unpleasantness and that feeling may recur when 1) the same subject comes up again and/or 2) the same person is with them.
That's a long winded way to say, it's always better avoid upset!
A technique that was taught to me was to listen to the PWD voice their delusion, offer some noncommittal, generalized response, then offer reassurance, and then distract. It doesn't always work, granted, but sometimes it does.
So if the PWD has a delusion that someone is stealing their socks, for example, they might say, oh, I can't find my red socks again, those horrible people, they're stealing my socks, I can't stand it, it's terrible about my socks.
If dementia weren't in the picture, I'd say, don't be silly, Mum, why on earth would anyone want to steal your nasty old socks? The carers wouldn't do that. I'm sure they're just lost. I'll help you find your socks. A perfectly reasonable response, but not to a PWD.
To Mum with Dementia I'd say, no, really? Stealing your socks? Oh, my, that's terrible (all with a lot of shocked tone of voice and warm body language). I'm very sorry to hear that someone is stealing your socks. Of course you're upset. Who wouldn't be upset? Anyone in your position would be upset, of course they would. I'll tell you what I will do, I will look into that for you/take care of that for you, and I will let you know what I find out. Okay? Do you know, I'm thirsty (hungry, whatever) and am going to go get a cup of tea/coffee/have some ice cream, shall I get some for you? And then off into domestic prattle, or go for a walk, or put something favourite on the telly, or whatever.
A "conversation" with someone with dementia is always a sort of roller coaster ride and it often feels very surreal. We've had threads here before, about just that. I remember one day we had my mother out for lunch and shopping (she lives in a care home) and she'd been very "normal" that day and I was thinking how nice it was that it was so normal, for a change. Just then she looked out the car window and saw a bird, a very ordinary bird for around here, and said, in a deeply excited tone, "Look! An eagle! It's a golden eagle! Look at it go!" and then we were off on this conversation about an eagle. We don't have those where we live and even if we did, I doubt we'd see one flying around the car park at the local supermarket!
Often I think that acting classes would have been good training for dealing with dementia, that or improv comedy, or both. My mother can't always follow all of a conversation, or doesn't always hear or see things, but she can hone in on any tiny change of voice, body language, or facial expression with scary, laser-like intensity. I can't ever show any kind of upset or frustration or irritation or anything other than calm around her, or she focuses on it and gets upset. I figure I will come out of all this a champion liar or actress, depending on how you look at it.
Sorry for the long ramble, there. I do hope your mother calms down over time. If she doesn't, it wouldn't hurt to talk to the GP and/or Memory Clinic, to see if medication might be indicated at some point. It's also possible there may be changes in routine or environment that might help. Wishing you all the best.
Going through a similar stage with my Mum, who has recently gone in to a care home. It's very tough. I'm also new to this group which has been really helpful. I don't have much advice as I'm new to all this (Mum's dementia came on overnight after a fall and brain injury - total shock and no time to get used to the idea or the symptoms). Lots of useful advice on here - wishing you the very best with all this.