Struggling

Margaret79

Registered User
May 11, 2010
2,077
0
Wisbech, Cambridgeshire
So, invisible BIL came last night, first time since MIL died on Friday. To be fair he was coming on Saturday but I made him turn round as Millie went into labour.

Because my Daughter (not Himself's child) was here I sat in the kitchen with her and Himself and BIL sat in the front room talking.

I didn't sleep much last night, between being on puppy duty and my mind whirling around.

BIL did nothing for his Mum in the past six and a half years but now appears to have taken charge and is organising things as he wants them because he wants his daughters to attend a conventional funeral to say goodbye to their Nanny. Flipping heck, they've had nothing to do with her for goodness sake.

I am angry as I wanted for people to only have to travel once to bury her ashes with her husbands in the wonderful woodland burial park near Ongar because this was what was important to her, she wasn't religious and didn't want a traditional funeral. Most of the people attending will be my family and friends who have had more to do with her than any of them have.

He also wants a solicitor to sort out the probate, what a waste of money as it's a very simple estate and Himself and I have time now we could do it.

BIL hasn't and never will acknowledge what I have done for his Mum and although I am angry about that I know that I did what I could for her whilst she was alive and I could have done no more. She had the very best care that anyone could have and I feel very blessed that we were able to look after her until the last.

Having said all the above and feeling "complete" with the living part of MIL's life I am struggling with not having a say now. Feels really hard having been left to do everything for years.
 
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marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
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Scotland
Take the moral high ground and rise above them. They will have moments of self knowledge and guilt - you will have none. Start to reshape your life to make it what you want free from responsibility.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,444
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Kent
I`m so annoyed for you Margaret. Some people who think they know it all and are all mouth with no action are really irritating. Sadly he is an` in law ` so if anyone is to say anything it will have to be your husband. If he wants to keep the peace there`s little you can do if you want to avoid family fall out.

I like marion`s reaction. Be bigger than him. Your conscience is clear, he is acting out of guilt.
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
0
West Midlands
Annoyed isn't the word I would use about Bil

My thoughts - at the risk of not totally understanding or seeing the full picture....

I'm not surprised you are feeling hurt, Angry, a whirl of emotions.

It would never occur to me that I wouldn't have any "right" or input towards my close in-laws funeral, especially, as in my case, I have been the one to "prop up" the sons of the family and point out issues that they also needed to be part of

Second marriage..... It's not as if you are only "just" married. If it was a marriage of a couple of years, I could understand why you not having much input, in a way.....

but you have been a "family" for a few years, so, in my opinion, you have equal right to have a say.

Making no mention of the fact how unfair it is that it's apparently ok for you to do the caring when it suits them, but not the caring you want to do, be a part of, for her final goodbye......
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Last Christmas was a year since John died. Many "ghosts" who came to his funeral, stating "we must pay our respects", but hadn't given a toss about either of us for years, had equally not contacted me the whole year.

So, when I received Christmas cards from them, I typed l-o-n-g letters to them all, saying just what I thought about them. I corrected these, until I was absolutely sure they said all I wanted - and then I deleted them. :D

Made me feel a lot better. :)

PS And I didn't send them cards either!
 
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jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
0
72
I feel so sad for you Margaret, and hope that Himself is putting in his views which should reflect yours too. You can rest assured that you did everything for Maureen and you kept her safe and comfortable to very end, and nobody can take that away from you.

I think I would ask the question of BIL when he starts to go on about his wishes, does he consider that they reflect the wishes of his mother?

As far as probate is concerned, a solicitor will only fill in the forms with the information you supply, so, if her estate is simple, why do you need a solicitor? I think sometimes people think probate is difficult, when, I didn't find it so.

Families can suddenly become very attentive when it comes to funerals and wills! As others have said, whilst I too would be hurt and upset by BIL's attitudes, it's worth retaining you dignity and leave it to Himself and BIL.

Just my thoughts, because I do feel for you. J xx

Hope those puppies are good. :)
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Margaret, I suspect that your tank is running on E for empty. On a purely practical note, did MIL specify her executors in her will. If her assets are cash based and not property, then probate is unlikely to be required, but if there is to be any arguement, apart from OH pointing out the financial impact on the estate, I would say let them get on with it and pay the probate and solicitors fees from the estate.

Can you not combine the two funeral options. having a Church service first ( public) (you could always plead the puppies and only attend the bit that feels right to you) and a private woodlands service later the same day? At the end of the day, what does it matter....you and OH shared the love and the caring, the others are probably feeling guilty now and want to be seen to be doing the " right thing" now.

Take a back seat and close your ears to it all. Any dissent has to come from your OH, who is probably just as exhausted as you are.
Sit by the puppies, in the sunshine....and be at peace.x.x.
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
0
72
That's a good idea from Maureen, to have an official service and then a more informal one in the Woodland Hall. The services there are lovely, watching the birds and squirrels! (as you already know!!) Roger's service was very informal there, and everyone commented on how lovely it was and how fitting for him.

The bluebells are starting to come out down there now too.

Sending you a special hug x
 

Margaret79

Registered User
May 11, 2010
2,077
0
Wisbech, Cambridgeshire
I do feel sorry for BIL, what a way to feel important

I will rise above it all, of course I will, but every now and then it's coming in to bite me. I'm sure that in time, bit like that flipping guilt monster we all talk about, I'll be able to shake of the upset without "getting into" it.

Let them get on with it, I'll concentrate on puppies :D:D:D Had a hospital appointment today so left them for 3 hours, oh my did I miss them!

On a lovely note I had booked a meditation retreat run by one of my very best friends ages ago. It's this weekend AT Launde :D:D:D. So I'm leaving Himself to puppy sit ( I'm gonna miss them though) and I'm going to have a wonderful weekend chilling and relaxing with many long standing friends and some I've yet to meet, in a place where I feel a deep peace and calm. That's more important than a stupid BIL :D:D:D
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Words to consider on your retreat....
Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the gentle night to you.
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you.

The final words of this Gaelic Blessing bring comfort to Christians all over the world...
Deep peace of Christ,
of Christ the light of the world to you.
Deep peace of Christ to you.
 

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