My mum was diagnosed with vd in August after having memory problems and repeating the same questions. She was the career for my Dad who had had a couple of strokes for the past 5 years, refusing any help from anyone and seemingly coping. January dad had heart attack and another stroke and after being in hospital a week, died. Obviously during the time of dads illness we stayed with mum and after dads death her symptoms worstened dramatically. Her memory is different each day, one day she is amicable to all suggestions and the next day she is not! I had noticed over the past few months before my dads death that she never seemed to cook as many hot meals, and questioned her about this, she put it down to their lack of appetite but now she only seems to cook the same 4 meals. She does not want to go out and gets muddled and anxious about any mail or bills that come in. She was always so independent and strong but now seems so vunerable. Would she be better living with us or closer to us (currently about 20 miles away), maybe extend the house to put annex on for her? When we have discussed the vd she believes it only affects her memory and nothing else!
Mum diagnosed with vascular dementia in August 2015
- Thread starter Bridgetg60
- Start date
Hello and welcome to Talking Point
It's really late for me but I didn't want you to think your post wasn't being read.
i was told by a nurse that people with Alzheimer's progress through their illness as if sliding down a slope very slowly but people with vascular dementia take the stairs and drop in very marked stages.
Your mum can only remember 4 meals which is great as at least she is independent. There can be issues with moving a person who is still functioning on their own. If you change anything in their routine or things like a cooker there is a chance at that skill can be lost forever. Building an annex onto a house sounds great but who will pay for it? If Mum will can you pay her back if she needs the money to fund a carehome at a later date? Who will look after Mum when you go out? Will you want carers coming into your house as she needs them later on in her illness.
Whilst I don't want to alarm you I would look at the thread 'so bizare' as it gives details of having granny who has Dementia come to live with them.
Consider your options very carefully as dementia changes so quickly.
It's really late for me but I didn't want you to think your post wasn't being read.
i was told by a nurse that people with Alzheimer's progress through their illness as if sliding down a slope very slowly but people with vascular dementia take the stairs and drop in very marked stages.
Your mum can only remember 4 meals which is great as at least she is independent. There can be issues with moving a person who is still functioning on their own. If you change anything in their routine or things like a cooker there is a chance at that skill can be lost forever. Building an annex onto a house sounds great but who will pay for it? If Mum will can you pay her back if she needs the money to fund a carehome at a later date? Who will look after Mum when you go out? Will you want carers coming into your house as she needs them later on in her illness.
Whilst I don't want to alarm you I would look at the thread 'so bizare' as it gives details of having granny who has Dementia come to live with them.
Consider your options very carefully as dementia changes so quickly.
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i dont no mutch
hi my husband as just been told he has what your mum as .and its difficult for me to focos on what will happen I think while your mum is still doing things for her self let her as she may still be greaving for her and your resont loss. do you know any one that might call in to see her and let you know how she is going on .or like the other ladie said you need to think abought having strang people coming into your home .sory abought your loos
hi my husband as just been told he has what your mum as .and its difficult for me to focos on what will happen I think while your mum is still doing things for her self let her as she may still be greaving for her and your resont loss. do you know any one that might call in to see her and let you know how she is going on .or like the other ladie said you need to think abought having strang people coming into your home .sory abought your loos
Hello Bridgetg60 and welcome. I've been on this forum just about a year now since my mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia and in that 12 months she has gone from being able to microwave her own meals, to having one care visit a day, to two, to three and then finally this last month to moving permanently into a residential care home because she cannot remember how to cook or make or drinks and wanders around. I'm just saying this because the progress, or decline, can be quite fast at times, even though at other times your mother might seem fairly stable. I would definitely suggest putting something in place sooner rather than later before she - potentially - goes faster down the slope. If she lives 20miles away is it possible you could get a care visitor in? My mum would have refused this point blank, thinking she was independent and capable (she wasn't) but I said the doctor had insisted someone check on her each day - and anyway, it was a nice opportunity for a chat with a nice girl - and she fell for that little white lie. Just a thought.
Mother with vascular dementia
I have only just discovered this forum and have very similar circumstances. I gave up work taking early retirement just before Christmas to help my mum care for my dad who was being nursed at home (Alzheimer's and prostrate c). Sadly he passed away on Christmas Day and my mum has now been diagnosed with vascular dementia following an almost identical pattern to Bridget'gs mum. My mum does not accept that she has anything other than "old-age poor memory" even though a memory clinic nurse has gone through her diagnosis with her. Should I try to get her to understand her condition or just continue caring for her? She enjoys watching Emerdale but doesn't see the Ashley character in the programme as linking to her own symptoms. My mum is 88, I am with her 7.30 - 2.00 each day and my brother stays 6.00 - bedtime but she still lives independently.
I have only just discovered this forum and have very similar circumstances. I gave up work taking early retirement just before Christmas to help my mum care for my dad who was being nursed at home (Alzheimer's and prostrate c). Sadly he passed away on Christmas Day and my mum has now been diagnosed with vascular dementia following an almost identical pattern to Bridget'gs mum. My mum does not accept that she has anything other than "old-age poor memory" even though a memory clinic nurse has gone through her diagnosis with her. Should I try to get her to understand her condition or just continue caring for her? She enjoys watching Emerdale but doesn't see the Ashley character in the programme as linking to her own symptoms. My mum is 88, I am with her 7.30 - 2.00 each day and my brother stays 6.00 - bedtime but she still lives independently.
Mother with vascular dementia
I have only just discovered this forum and have very similar circumstances. I gave up work taking early retirement just before Christmas to help my mum care for my dad who was being nursed at home (Alzheimer's and prostrate c). Sadly he passed away on Christmas Day and my mum has now been diagnosed with vascular dementia following an almost identical pattern to Bridget'gs mum. My mum does not accept that she has anything other than "old-age poor memory" even though a memory clinic nurse has gone through her diagnosis with her. Should I try to get her to understand her condition or just continue caring for her? She enjoys watching Emerdale but doesn't see the Ashley character in the programme as linking to her own symptoms. My mum is 88, I am with her 7.30 - 2.00 each day and my brother stays 6.00 - bedtime but she still lives independently.
I have only just discovered this forum and have very similar circumstances. I gave up work taking early retirement just before Christmas to help my mum care for my dad who was being nursed at home (Alzheimer's and prostrate c). Sadly he passed away on Christmas Day and my mum has now been diagnosed with vascular dementia following an almost identical pattern to Bridget'gs mum. My mum does not accept that she has anything other than "old-age poor memory" even though a memory clinic nurse has gone through her diagnosis with her. Should I try to get her to understand her condition or just continue caring for her? She enjoys watching Emerdale but doesn't see the Ashley character in the programme as linking to her own symptoms. My mum is 88, I am with her 7.30 - 2.00 each day and my brother stays 6.00 - bedtime but she still lives independently.
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In November of last year (roughly 3 years after being diagnosed with mixed dementia) my mother could shop but only cook microwave ready meals, could understand the need to take her medication, but sometimes drop her tablets on the floor and would not bother picking them up, would feed the cat but not always put down water. Would sometimes sleep in her bed, but often would sleep in her clothes in the chair. Began to have personal hygiene issues which were always denied. She stopped cleaning her home, could not understand how to pay bills, was frustrated that I wanted her to have help and mentally fought every single battle to stay independent. She went into hospital in February with a painful knee and because of her low weight and confusion the docs deemed her mentally incapable. Her home was a hoarder's paradise and I decided to organise respite care whilst I cleaned/cleared the bungalow. Up until this point I visited Mum twice a week for shopping/company and spoke every single day upto 10 times. She lived 17 miles away so whilst not exactly round the corner, it was not always the quickest journey if traffic was bad. Mum was adamant she did not want to live with me, did not want to move closer, did not want to live in a granny annex and did not ever ever want to go into a home. The respite care home was absolutely lovely - I would like to say Mum loves it but a few weeks into her stay and she has taken a huge (and I mean huge) leap in terms of deterioration. All the usual suspects have been investigated and it looks as if Mum may have suffered from a TIA. Would this have happened anywhere? I really cannot say, what I can say with certainty is that there seems to be no guarantees whatsoever at the pace and direction of this disease. I am only certain of one thing - that I have POA for both health, welfare and finances which allows me to feel some control. To be able to organise and be certain of ensuring I get the absolute best care for my Mum is some small relief. I came onto this forum in November because I felt so drained and stressful my health was suffering - I had no idea there were so many other people dealing with this most awful and sad problem.
Sounds so much like my mum. She seems to cope quite well, she still does washing and housework etc. although not quite as thoroughly as before and most of the time, she is OK apart from the repeating and memory loss. She sometimes getting fixated about something, smell was a problem a few days ago. She doesn't think she needs help, maybe just companionship but refuses to go out other than with us or to supermarket and has said she will not attend the therapy sessions if and when they offer her them. She has said she thinks she would like to come live with us and I think if she moved nearer (in our village) it would be better as currently visit 3/4 days per week staying at least 2 nights. I am just afraid if the move will make her worse, like she was when my dad died?
"My mum does not accept that she has anything other than "old-age poor memory" even though a memory clinic nurse has gone through her diagnosis with her. Should I try to get her to understand her condition or just continue caring for her? She enjoys watching Emerdale but doesn't see the Ashley character in the programme as linking to her own symptoms"
Just thought I would tell you my mum is EXACTLLY the same! We our not alone at all xx
Pat17
Do you think that there is a general pattern of behaviour that everyone follows? I am trying to respond to all the "oddities" the best that I can but sometimes her behavaviour gets me do frustrated. She has now been discharged from the mental health support team into the community, (due to cut backs in the authority there is no specific funding for this), so I have lost my "go to" advisor. If there is a pattern maybe a "list of what to expect" with a section of how to respond based on peoples experiences, could be formed. At the present time she is still looking in cupboards for "something" often unknown but she has now started to move things around from there usual place - not purposely hiding things but making it very difficult to locate everything when needed. At the moment it is like playing a game of hide and seek! But it is nice to know I'm not alone.x
Do you think that there is a general pattern of behaviour that everyone follows? I am trying to respond to all the "oddities" the best that I can but sometimes her behavaviour gets me do frustrated. She has now been discharged from the mental health support team into the community, (due to cut backs in the authority there is no specific funding for this), so I have lost my "go to" advisor. If there is a pattern maybe a "list of what to expect" with a section of how to respond based on peoples experiences, could be formed. At the present time she is still looking in cupboards for "something" often unknown but she has now started to move things around from there usual place - not purposely hiding things but making it very difficult to locate everything when needed. At the moment it is like playing a game of hide and seek! But it is nice to know I'm not alone.x
Just as a general comment, there is a saying on TP, if you've seen one person with dementia, you've seen one person with dementia. Meaning everybody's different. Many pwd ( person with dementia) go through similar stages, but in a different order. My OH lost the ability to use anything electronic ( computer, phone, tv, labelled radio even) very early on. Others continue to use phone until very late stages. But...everyone goes downhill. At different speeds, maybe, but downhill.
Take a day at a time, deal with it as it happens. I got help asap, and that helped in later stages, but not every pwd will accept this. Do you best, get all the help you and your caree can, sort LPAs, AA and council tax disregard.
Good luck!
Take a day at a time, deal with it as it happens. I got help asap, and that helped in later stages, but not every pwd will accept this. Do you best, get all the help you and your caree can, sort LPAs, AA and council tax disregard.
Good luck!
Pat17
Thanks for that Spamar, I am still at the stage of trying to find some logical process which I know is silly bearing in mind how illogical the condition is (more for my sanity than that of my mum's !). Suppose "one day at a time" is the best strategy for now. x
Thanks for that Spamar, I am still at the stage of trying to find some logical process which I know is silly bearing in mind how illogical the condition is (more for my sanity than that of my mum's !). Suppose "one day at a time" is the best strategy for now. x
Pat17
I have just watched the programme "How to stay young" hosted by Angela Rippon, week 1 was about the body - interesting, however, week 2 was more relevant because it was about the brain and looked at circumstances where dementia was delayed or not common. I am looking at this more for me as a child of a father who passed away after suffering with Alzheimer's and a mother who has vascular dementia, I have been told that there is not a genetic link (?), but I will try everything to avoid this awful scenario. So, question - does anyone know where I can get purple sweet potatoes? Web research says Waitrose but only until the end of April. I have started to eat more "purple coloured" fruits/veg, and have have a glass of beetroot juice every morning, I can't say I have detected any improvement in brain cognition, (as proven in the programme), but my urine has turned pink!
I have just watched the programme "How to stay young" hosted by Angela Rippon, week 1 was about the body - interesting, however, week 2 was more relevant because it was about the brain and looked at circumstances where dementia was delayed or not common. I am looking at this more for me as a child of a father who passed away after suffering with Alzheimer's and a mother who has vascular dementia, I have been told that there is not a genetic link (?), but I will try everything to avoid this awful scenario. So, question - does anyone know where I can get purple sweet potatoes? Web research says Waitrose but only until the end of April. I have started to eat more "purple coloured" fruits/veg, and have have a glass of beetroot juice every morning, I can't say I have detected any improvement in brain cognition, (as proven in the programme), but my urine has turned pink!
It's best not to get too focussed on one solution and go for a balanced approach involving physical and mental exercise, a varied diet, avoiding damaging stress, keeping healthy (getting on top of any medical issues quickly), having lots of fun and generally enjoying life. Live in the moment and avoid worrying about the future. Take pleasure from small things.
Of course, it helps if you don't have to earn a living or care for anyone, both of these make it much more difficult.
Try to keep positive. When it gets hard, try three deep breaths .. . It has been shown to improve wellbeing for carers.
Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
Of course, it helps if you don't have to earn a living or care for anyone, both of these make it much more difficult.
Try to keep positive. When it gets hard, try three deep breaths .. . It has been shown to improve wellbeing for carers.
Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
Pat17
All good advice and I do already do most of it - just to keep sane, but I am still at the stage of looking at anything that will help in any way. Thanks for the advice though. ☺
All good advice and I do already do most of it - just to keep sane, but I am still at the stage of looking at anything that will help in any way. Thanks for the advice though. ☺
My father died from vascular dementia back in 1993, when there were no support services in the U.S. We had a difficult time with him but managed to keep him at home by supporting my mother as best we could. I would run over every weekend, a 3 hour drive one way, make meals, stay up all night with him (he had sundown syndrome), and try to keep him calm so my mother could sleep. My experience with vascular dementia was that it was very, very unpredictable.
My experience with Alzheimer's, which dominated in my mother's case though she also had had some strokes, is of much longer duration; she lived with me for 9 years.
After my mother was diagnosed with dementia, we decided she could no longer live alone, and my OH re-made a portion of our downstairs for her, putting in a small bathroom with walk-in shower, along with toilet and basin, off a large room that we used as "her" room and which is now, since her death, a lovely sitting room for us. I enjoyed having my mother here, however hard it was, because she refused to be placed in a care facility, and my work is such that I could keep care of her and only be off site a few days a week, working from home other days. My OH was supportive the entire time.
If you are willing to do this, and you think you have the patience and internal resources (strong emotional resources, I mean), then this would create a situation of wonderful possibility for your mother - *and* for you. I learned so much by watching my mother cope with her increasing dementia. We talked about it plainly: when we went to the doctor, I went with her, and we opened up all our conversations with, "Well, you will remember, Dr. X, that we have dementia, and we want to say this is what we are doing now, etc etc." I would put my observations of her behaviors into a letter to the doctor, which I took with me every visit. He would read my letter in advance and then be prepared for our little conversation about my mother's condition. I did as much as possible to make whatever she was facing seem as normal as possible. I believe she was happy here. I used her funds - instead of just handling them over to a care home - to purchase for her one-on-one care for the daytimes, eventually. It was cost effective to have her stay here rather than place her in a home. She would have run out of money, if we had placed her in a home from the start.
I don't know your financial situation, and I don't know your level of emotional strength or what your work life and entertainment needs might be, but I signed in this morning to say to you - those of you caring for your loved ones - it *is* possible to have your parent at home, if you are willing to change your lives for them. But that is what it takes: you have to change your life and wrap your life around your parent's end of life. For me, this was a gift to *me* to do. I learned so much about myself, my inner resources and my resourcefulness, and I helped my mother cope with a most difficult part of living (which is facing the fear of death and death itself). It's not for everyone, but it was an experience I'll always cherish.
My experience with Alzheimer's, which dominated in my mother's case though she also had had some strokes, is of much longer duration; she lived with me for 9 years.
After my mother was diagnosed with dementia, we decided she could no longer live alone, and my OH re-made a portion of our downstairs for her, putting in a small bathroom with walk-in shower, along with toilet and basin, off a large room that we used as "her" room and which is now, since her death, a lovely sitting room for us. I enjoyed having my mother here, however hard it was, because she refused to be placed in a care facility, and my work is such that I could keep care of her and only be off site a few days a week, working from home other days. My OH was supportive the entire time.
If you are willing to do this, and you think you have the patience and internal resources (strong emotional resources, I mean), then this would create a situation of wonderful possibility for your mother - *and* for you. I learned so much by watching my mother cope with her increasing dementia. We talked about it plainly: when we went to the doctor, I went with her, and we opened up all our conversations with, "Well, you will remember, Dr. X, that we have dementia, and we want to say this is what we are doing now, etc etc." I would put my observations of her behaviors into a letter to the doctor, which I took with me every visit. He would read my letter in advance and then be prepared for our little conversation about my mother's condition. I did as much as possible to make whatever she was facing seem as normal as possible. I believe she was happy here. I used her funds - instead of just handling them over to a care home - to purchase for her one-on-one care for the daytimes, eventually. It was cost effective to have her stay here rather than place her in a home. She would have run out of money, if we had placed her in a home from the start.
I don't know your financial situation, and I don't know your level of emotional strength or what your work life and entertainment needs might be, but I signed in this morning to say to you - those of you caring for your loved ones - it *is* possible to have your parent at home, if you are willing to change your lives for them. But that is what it takes: you have to change your life and wrap your life around your parent's end of life. For me, this was a gift to *me* to do. I learned so much about myself, my inner resources and my resourcefulness, and I helped my mother cope with a most difficult part of living (which is facing the fear of death and death itself). It's not for everyone, but it was an experience I'll always cherish.
Pat17
Your post was both touching and inspirational. I would hope to support my mum as well as you but not in my home as my husband could not/would not be able to cope - that is a bridge I am prepared to cross when/if the time comes. I am quite lucky having an older brother to help out and much younger nephew/great nieces/nephews but the main commitment will be mine - but I'm not complaining as I still have my mum so luckier than some. x
Your post was both touching and inspirational. I would hope to support my mum as well as you but not in my home as my husband could not/would not be able to cope - that is a bridge I am prepared to cross when/if the time comes. I am quite lucky having an older brother to help out and much younger nephew/great nieces/nephews but the main commitment will be mine - but I'm not complaining as I still have my mum so luckier than some. x
Hello. To go to your earlier question about how to approach the situation and what to expect, you might want to read the information you find about dementia on the various websites of this and other groups. There are some very general rules of thumb. The biggest challenge is allowing your loved one not to get things right, allowing them to forget, not find the right word, etc. My sisters used to come and do a 20 question thing: remember when? did you ever . . .?? and things like that, and that is not the way to talk with a loved one. Talk about things she likes to do. But don't ask questions about her. Give her lots of time to think about saying something. And if she doesn't find the right word, you might just want to say, if you really can't make it out - O, let me see, I don't think I'm quite sure what you are saying, but I *think* I get it. If she falls into a rut of asking the same questions, that's okay. Gently steer to a new topic. I used to tell my mother what a wonderful mother she was and use an example from my life to tell her about. She would eventually say either "I remember that" or else "Did I do that?" and in any case she was reassured that she was remembered fondly. She actually wasn't the best mother, but she *did* her best, and that was what counted to me.
There is a little flyer called compassionate communication that people here share around and benefit from. I know it helped me very much to have this:
http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf
You are fortunate to have your brother on board with the help. At this point you do need to have POA for health decisions and for financial decisions. This will protect you and her later on, when you need to be making all decisions for her.
My heart goes out to everyone handling one-on-one care. It is not easy, but it can feel so worthwhile. I wish my sisters had understood how good it feels to care for others. Some are carer types and some are not. I have three sisters who didn't even come in when my mother was dying. *This* I have trouble with understanding . . . .
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Pat 17
I appreciate your feedback it all seems so simple when I read it but on a day to say basis I find it hard to accept bits of my mum disappearing. Thanks for the link I will take a look. x
I appreciate your feedback it all seems so simple when I read it but on a day to say basis I find it hard to accept bits of my mum disappearing. Thanks for the link I will take a look. x
Getting through the day-to-day with *consistent* good will (as consistency builds trust, esp for when she no longer knows you are her daughter, sorry) and cheerfulness - that is indeed the most difficult part, in my own experience at least.
