Feeling really guilty about my Mum, major regrets

[anon36]

Hi all,

Thought I'd post in the appropriate forum for this now as I ran a long thread not suspecting we'd be losing her already.

Basically (for those who haven't seen the other thread), my Mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2011 and admitted to a care home in September 2014 when she became too much for my Dad to look after.

Upon getting an infection there was concern for her health as she wasn't barely eating or drinking. I had visited in mid January and late February and hesitated as I still had a bit of a cold (didn't want that to make her worse) and she tended to always be better with visitors on weekdays for some reason. I also called the home directly Monday afernoon and they said it could be 48 hours or a week or more left.
I opted to go down Monday evening but she passed away that night.

I feel guilty now looking back and seeing that I didn't visit her as much as I thought I had. My sister and Dad would see her around 4 times a week as they lived around the corner.
I feel so bad as distance should never have been an object (200 miles) but then again her brother never visited at all and another very close friend only visited once. I visited about the same number of times as my brother who lived less than half the distance I did. The close friend chose not to see her again as it was too upsetting and wanted to remember her how she was.
I try and make myself feel better thinking the care home were wonderful, my Dad and sister saw her very regularly and for her 70th birthday last September I bought her the most amazing present I could possibly imagine for her which took a fair amount of effort and care. I was also there that night for my Dad and my sister. My Dad otherwise would have been on his own when he got the news and has been really appreciative of me being there. Had I of visited and seen Mum she might have been asleep and I would have just come for the day (so received the news after driving 200 miles home again). They also said she wasn't very responsive, could barely move and really did look in a sad way so it's better I remember how she used to be.
My visits were a very mixed bag, I received a lot of negative reactions but when other people visited they had more positive responses (smiles, laughter, dancing etc.)
There were a few smiles etc. but tended to be for other relatives with me particularly with children and I would tend to not get any direct response.
I just so wish now I had gone down more often, it seemed to cause so much more of a rapid deterioration than I was expecting.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi anon36
my condolences on your mother's death
so much goes through your mind at these moments - trying to make some sense of everything
you did what you could
you cared very much
read through your own posts at some point and you will see that
may I gently say that 200 miles is a long way, is an 'object'
other family were closer, so saw her more - that's a simple fact not a reflection on you
my mum died years ago and I was around 200 miles away and had been hoping to go to see her shortly - it was not to be - and it's a sadness to me, it always will be, and so to that extent a regret, but not a 'guilt'; I did what I could - we are human not miracle workers
give yourself some time
this has all been so sudden and unexpected; your brain is working overtime and your heart is aching; rest and be gentle with yourself

go get some sleep
good night

 

[AlsoConfused]

My condolences too.

Your support at this very sad time will have meant a lot to your Dad and sister. You did your very best for your Mum, in spite of circumstances being difficult.

As someone else who has to travel a long way to visit, I think I can guess at how hard it would have been on you to visit as you did. It's not just the visit itself (and it's very tiring to travel that far), it's all the other stresses and strains associated with the journey. My experience is that a visit usually means staying far longer than I'd ideally like to; being away from home disrupts my life and sleeping patterns either side of the trip for several weeks.

 

[nannylondon]

Hi Anon please accept my condolences.
Don't feel guilty about not being there when your mum passed 200 miles is a long way to come to visit traveling is exhausting enough without throwing in dementia.
Comfort yourself that you are there for your dad sending you hugs xx

 

[Jinx]

A life full of 'what ifs' is destructive, you can't change the past and for your own sake you must concentrate on the positives. You did the best you could for your Mum and a heck of a lot more than other people who gave up at the first hurdle. I know it's hard not to dwell on what might have been but you have your own life to lead and, in honour of your Mum who gave you that life, make the most of it. I think it's all most mothers want from their children. xxx


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[truth24]

Many condolences on the loss of your mother. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Please accept my condolences - I would like to reiterate everything that has already been said by the other posters. Please be kind to yourself, you deserve it x

 

[Izzy]

Sending my condolences. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

[Chemmy]

I wasn't there for the moment of death of either of my parents (I lived 120 miles away) My dad died in a car accident and my mum after a long drawn out week, so although I feel regret, I don't feel guilt. My mum wasn't there when her mum died as we'd moved from Scotland to England and she couldn't get back there in time on the train. There are so many circumstances where it just isn't possible, even if you lived round the corner.

Don't look back, or if you do, make it to the happier times. Put some older photos around the place to remind you of the person she was in her prime, not the way she was at the end. And be kind to yourself. That's what she'd want for all her family.

 

[anon36]

Many thanks all, I do feel better having read all your comments. The only people that were with her on her passing were the staff in the home so no family members were there when it happened but my dad went in every day and they mentioned to me they told her I was always asking about her and she smiled and nodded. I have something from her room to remember her by and am going through all the pictures and videos. She was such a lovely happy person and that was shown in the pictures I have. Her smiling face is more prominent in my memory and I can still hear her laughter.
My family did say she was proud of me making my way in life and I'll try and continue to make her proud as much as possible.
I did ask also about my nan and gran, my mum was on holiday when her mum passed and my dad was about 20 miles away from his mum and just had a call about it as it was very sudden. My mum's mum also had alzheimer's but I was too young to remember that much about it. I can recall her confusing my mum with different people and repeated comments about the cat there. My mum is now at rest with both her parents and older brother and also one grandchild.

 

[Margaret79]

Anon36 I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do.

I have a slightly different take on the situation and I believe that it is not the physical presence that is of upmost importance, although of course it is important. Rather the emotional attachment which meant that even when you weren't physically with her you were indeed a presence in her life at every moment.

And there are people who wait until their loved ones are no longer there before they depart on their journey. We had a night sitter for my MIL last night who asked if we wanted to be called if she thought MIL was about to go. We said yes but not to worry if that didn't happen as we believe that the important thing is that we have "been here" for her for the duration of her illness and are still "here for" her but through the night sitter as opposed to us personally.

Think I better stop now as this maybe more about me than you.

Sending strength to help you through xxx

 

[anon36]

Thanks Margaret, that's a nice perspective. We were always confident the home treated her very well as she was known to one of the managers before going there so had a personal connection. My sister saw the feeding chart for her showing they were checking her very regularly. I did ponder on whether they could have called us if they suspected losing her. They did have very specific visiting hours though.

 

[JohnBG]

You did a great job.

We should not feel guilt for the things we cannot do, we are human after all my own sister died I know I did my very best for ten years given my situation I could do no more. Sometimes it is with that passing we imagine in our heads how things could differ, in reality we did our best for good or bad.

As you say the emphasis is that we tried, I now have relatives who could do more, that is for them I have challenges of my own, our responsibilities to my family plus my own wellbeing.

We could all look back, I know you did a fine job you are a caring, thoughtful loving person, so well done YOU !

 

[stanleypj]

I agree with everyone else - put the guilt behind you. My mum was in a care home over 200 miles away when she died. I had seen her a couple of weeks before when the CH had warned us that she was nearing the end. But before that I only managed to get down to see her a few times a year.

Since my wife's dementia developed I've often thought that I should have made more of an effort to see my mum. But I'm comforted by the fact that she had been a resident there for quite a few years was loved by the staff and very well looked after and was always smiley when we saw her, even near the end. She also had close friends nearby who visited. I think however often I'd managed to see her I would have felt I should have done more.

You did what you could for her. As you say, she is now at rest - and not alone.

 

[Scarlett123]

I absolutely agree with the things other friends on TP have said. There's no mileage in looking back, though we often do it, and I did at first. But you did what you could and 200 miles is not 10 minutes.

Try to remember the good times, and that your Mum is now pain-free and at peace - and there's no Alzheimer's in Heaven. xxx