Suspects hubby has dementia

[Jamerican]

Is there anyone here with the problem I have? Hubby is almost 65 and for the past 7 years has been steadily going downhill. He refuses to bathe unless he has to go out...last round he did not bathe for 20 days! He does not change his clothes or underwear in the interim so there is no chance of me washing them. He wears his clothing until it is raggedy and filthy. He insists on cooking every week and does absolutely nothing like tidying up the apartment. So now the living room looks like a giant cluttered garage. Of course when I talk about it he says I am making a mountain out of a molehill and nothing is wrong with the way it looks. He has slowly spread out...he hoards plastic bags ...they are everywhere...even on his computer workstation. I have been trying to get him to see the doc ...no luck. He has been wearing the same broken sandals for longer than I remember and now he can't lift his feet in them and rather has to drag them. Does he have new ones...yes he does but steadfastly refuses to wear them. I have given up.....my every utterance is met with hostility, anger resentment or utter and complete silence. He does not speak at home unless spoken to but if a particular friend calls you can stay a mile off hearing him laugh and talk but it is always the same topic. Somebody please tell me I am not the crazy one here....I suspect dementia. When I do strike up a conversation he talks about things that happened years ago especially on his job....the same stories I have heard a million times over. Somebody talk to me please!! He rinses his mouth in the sink and if I am in the bathroom and he needs to pee.....he will use the kitchen sink! I know he does it but I haven't called him out because I can't take the fuss.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Jamerican
oh my - you are certainly having a tough time
welcome to TP - I hope you'll have a mooch around as there's lots of information here - and you'll see that you definitely aren't the only one facing such concerns
is it possible to speak to your husband's doctor? If not to speak, could you write out your concerns, describing your husband's behaviour and what changes you have seen in him over the past few years; and ask the doctor to invite your husband in for a chat on some excuse eg the surgery offers everyone coming up to 65 a quick health check?
best wishes

 

[jjude]

Is there anyone here with the problem I have? Hubby is almost 65 and for the past 7 years has been steadily going downhill. He refuses to bathe unless he has to go out...last round he did not bathe for 20 days! He does not change his clothes or underwear in the interim so there is no chance of me washing them. He wears his clothing until it is raggedy and filthy. He insists on cooking every week and does absolutely nothing like tidying up the apartment. So now the living room looks like a giant cluttered garage. Of course when I talk about it he says I am making a mountain out of a molehill and nothing is wrong with the way it looks. He has slowly spread out...he hoards plastic bags ...they are everywhere...even on his computer workstation. I have been trying to get him to see the doc ...no luck. He has been wearing the same broken sandals for longer than I remember and now he can't lift his feet in them and rather has to drag them. Does he have new ones...yes he does but steadfastly refuses to wear them. I have given up.....my every utterance is met with hostility, anger resentment or utter and complete silence. He does not speak at home unless spoken to but if a particular friend calls you can stay a mile off hearing him laugh and talk but it is always the same topic. Somebody please tell me I am not the crazy one here....I suspect dementia. When I do strike up a conversation he talks about things that happened years ago especially on his job....the same stories I have heard a million times over. Somebody talk to me please!! He rinses his mouth in the sink and if I am in the bathroom and he needs to pee.....he will use the kitchen sink! I know he does it but I haven't called him out because I can't take the fuss.

I haven't got any advise but just wanted to acknowledge your post. I can only say if your gut instinct is telling you all is not well then you need to try and follow it through. There is no pattern to the start of dementia it is just something that usually picked up by the persons nearest and dearest with little changes in character etc along with a feeling that all is not well. I wish you luck.

 

[Jamerican]

Hi Jamerican
oh my - you are certainly having a tough time
welcome to TP - I hope you'll have a mooch around as there's lots of information here - and you'll see that you definitely aren't the only one facing such concerns
is it possible to speak to your husband's doctor? If not to speak, could you write out your concerns, describing your husband's behaviour and what changes you have seen in him over the past few years; and ask the doctor to invite your husband in for a chat on some excuse eg the surgery offers everyone coming up to 65 a quick health check?
best wishes

Hi Shedrech...thanks so much for your response. I have spoken to his doctor several times...his response is that I am to bring him in. Hubby gets into a lather when I suggest it. I have called my doctor twice in as many days to try and speak to him but to no avail. I am at my wits end. I am starting to feel depressed and blue and it's like I have no joy in me anymore. I go home at night and I feel like a molehill because hubby will not allow a light on in the bedroom. Sometimes I go in to complete and utter darkness. I am suffering greatly!i

 

[Shedrech]

Hi again Jamerican
what a pickle - you are trying so hard to get support
is your username suggesting you are in America? I ask because the support systems are different in the USA from those in England

 

[Jamerican]

I haven't got any advise but just wanted to acknowledge your post. I can only say if your gut instinct is telling you all is not well then you need to try and follow it through. There is no pattern to the start of dementia it is just something that usually picked up by the persons nearest and dearest with little changes in character etc along with a feeling that all is not well. I wish you luck.

Thank you so much!

 

[Jamerican]

Hi again Jamerican
what a pickle - you are trying so hard to get support
is your username suggesting you are in America? I ask because the support systems are different in the USA from those in England

Yes I am in America. I have spoken to 3 people from the Alzheimers Association as well as a social worker...they all say it sounds very much like dementia BUT I need to get him assessed to determine what type. Right back to square one with the doctor!! I figure maybe something will have to happen to him first so that he can be dealt with accordingly. He suffers from ridiculously high blood pressure ( it was 235/135 at diagnosis), he has 37% kidney function and an enlarged heart to boot.

 

[Shedrech]

oh dear Jamerican
there are members of TP from the USA, so they may come along later with ideas specific to your systems
I just wonder if you could be a bit underhand - tell your husband's doctor he is ill and needs a home consultation, just to get the doctor to your home to see the state of the house and how your husband is - maybe even get a male friend to make the appointment as if he's your husband - sorry, not really ethical, but you've tried being straight with the doctor

 

[Jamerican]

oh dear Jamerican
there are members of TP from the USA, so they may come along later with ideas specific to your systems
I just wonder if you could be a bit underhand - tell your husband's doctor he is ill and needs a home consultation, just to get the doctor to your home to see the state of the house and how your husband is - maybe even get a male friend to make the appointment as if he's your husband - sorry, not really ethical, but you've tried being straight with the doctor

I have thought about staging an intervention by inviting a relative over. Thing is I am a bit nervous about what will happen afterwards.

 

[theunknown]

As others have said, it's difficult to offer any advice on here because countries offer differing social health programmes. My personal opinion is that there may be signs of dementia, but the examples you're giving could also be systematic of any number of mental health conditions, which may have nothing to do with dementia. Unfortunately, if it's not a physical health problem, it may just be a question of something happening that can't be ignored by the health authorities. That's how they seem to deal with it in the UK. Good luck, and I hope you get a satisfactory outcome.

 

[Jamerican]

As others have said, it's difficult to offer any advice on here because countries offer differing social health programmes. My personal opinion is that there may be signs of dementia, but the examples you're giving could also be systematic of any number of mental health conditions, which may have nothing to do with dementia. Unfortunately, if it's not a physical health problem, it may just be a question of something happening that can't be ignored by the health authorities. That's how they seem to deal with it in the UK. Good luck, and I hope you get a satisfactory outcome.

Thanks my dear.

 

[Scarlett123]

Hi and welcome to Talking Point. You sound like you're really stressed about things, and understandably so, and I'm so sorry. Could you talk to your doctor and say that you are the one who is stressed, thereby making you the patient, and then ask a Social Worker to visit you at home? You would have already been seen by your doctor, so you would have passed that hurdle.

Then could you type out virtually everything you have listed here, about your husband, in the form of a statement "To Whom It May Concern", and whilst the SW is reeling from shock at the state of the place , go and make him/her a coffee, and pass your sheet over?

I hope this might help.