Incessant Moaning

[Pear trees]

On opening door to see us on doorstep
M - my bus isn't here.(slams door on us)
me - It's not coming the lunch club is closed for Easter. I've bought you fish and chips
This happens once more
She grudgingly lets us in, no hello or nice to see you
M- I've got no food, you're leaving me to starve
Me - I've bought you fish and chips, and J is bringing you dinner tomorrow. You've got sandwiches n the fridge and cakes in cupboards (the bin is full of wrappers we know she is eating well)
M - I'm being left to starve
me - eat your fish and chips while they're hot.
M - I've got no money, you've stolen it all
me - you have plenty of money in your purse, and I've put more spending money in it.
M- no one cares or comes to see me
me - eat your fish and chips then I'll take you for a ride and we can stop for tea and cakes
M - no one does anything for me or cares about me
This went on all afternoon except for when we stopped at a village cafe
Took her home, no thank you, assured her J would visit tomorrow with dinner, she did not say goodbye, just kept on moaning as we left her sitting there with tea and more cakes.
Don't really know why I bothered!!

 

[Petrina]

In stitches

Something that isn't moaning, but has, I think, the same flavour of contrariness and repetitiveness.

Me - we'll be going out soon, would you like to go to the loo?
Dad - I don't need the lavatory.

A few minutes later...
Me - we'll be leaving in a quarter of an hour to go to your appointment - time to go to the loo, I think?
Dad - I don't need the lavatory.

At intervals...
Me - [ever more insistant or desperate urging to go to loo]
Dad - I don't need the lavatory.

Finally...
Me - it's time to go.
Dad - I need the lavatory.

I hope someone will get a laugh out of my confession that it took me years to realise that all I needed to do was to lie about what time we were leaving and tell him it was time to go 10-15 minutes before it was actually time to go.

I think I've worked out the fish and chips problem, too, Pear Trees. Next time, you haven't brought her fish and chips. You happen to have your fish and chips with you. You're utterly shocked she's starving and of course she can have your fish and chips. [Oh dear, I'm getting naughty now.]

 

[skaface]

After lunch Dad is standing in the front porch, “what have you done with the back door key?” “It’s in the door” “No it isn’t” “yes it is go and look “. “Come here there’s no key” “We never leave a key in this door Dad-you said the back door and the key is always in the back door” “So how am I meant to lock it?” “ I do it at night time Dad, just leave it for now, I’ll do it later” “Where’s my key?” “I gave you a spare last week plus your own and labelled them- where have you left them?” “I want your key” “Why mine Dad you have 2 of your own” “No I haven’t “ “ Come and let’s look for them” “Do you mean I have to go all the way back in there just to lock the door?” “No Dad I’ll lock it later but we need to look for your keys” “Are they in the usual cupboard?” “yes” I looked and said” no they are not here”, Dad wanders off somewhere completely different and produces keys. “ Why do you need my keys?” “I don’t Dad we were just finding them for you” “So when you lock the door tonight why do you have to use my keys, why can’t you use your own? Aren’t I allowed anything of my own anymore?” “Dad when I lock the door I will use my keys and if you need to lock or unlock it you know where your own keys are” “Why do you have to make such a fuss over everything?”

That reminds me, I need to get yet another set of house keys cut for mum. I don't know what she does with them, every set I get done, I hang up on the key rack in the hallway all labelled up, and the next time I go around, they've disappeared. When she dies I'm convinced I will find them all stashed away somewhere.

Add into that the carers constantly ringing me up to tell me that "the keys aren't in the keysafe" at which I go garrity because they are the only people who use them and it's their responsibility to make sure they are put back! And usually when I'm told that and go haring over to mum's I find them - in the keysafe!

Also mum tends to bold the doors on the inside, or puts the latch down so the carers can't get in - then I get another phone call. My sister suggested a deadlock that needs a key to open on either side, but mum usually leaves the key in the porch door on the inside, and of course it can't then be unlocked from the other side.

 

[VonVee]

Is anyone else up against continuous moaning?
Typical, moaning about carer, moaning about porridge (nothing wrong with it but made badly), moaning about cheque book not having balance where he thought it should be (in the middle of a chq!) , moaning about me watching tv ( because he needs to concentrate on eating) , moaning the tv channels have moved and aren't in the right place (they are fine) , Moaning I've taken over the tv control and he has handed it to me looking lost. I don't get any normal conversation between the moans- just one after another, either because I'm in or I've been out, getting under his feet or ignoring him.
This one takes the biscuit- I reminded him his pudding was going cold and he told me to stop moaning!
Seems to be a quite significant increase in decline in last few weeks spiralling downwards. How long does this stage last and what comes next?
Vascular Dementia

Hi Selina

Oh I have plenty of experience with moaning because that's all my mother really does, 24/7, and boy does it get under my skin hon, and as hard as it is I walk away, it really get on my nerves, nothing I do is right, and I'm dammed if I do, and if I don't, her dementia is from altzeimers tho and not vascular, but it's pretty much the same thing, the moaning I mean, then I myself find I am turning into it and I haven't got dementia, because I moan onto my husband and kids because I've got no one else to talk to... And it goes on and on, it would be better really if she just died as this illness is just ravaging her, but I can't see that happening anytime soon, so every day the same thing, going round in circles, great life, not!

 

[MrMoonlight]

Just joined as I need to vent. No friends and sole carer for 71 yo wife who cannot/does not acknowledge condition although both her parents succumbed to it. But the constant moaning and complaining is just so frustrating. Can't discuss anything as she cannot process anything more complicated tag the weather.

 

[nae sporran]

Just joined as I need to vent. No friends and sole carer for 71 yo wife who cannot/does not acknowledge condition although both her parents succumbed to it. But the constant moaning and complaining is just so frustrating. Can't discuss anything as she cannot process anything more complicated tag the weather.

Hullo and welcome to the forum MrMoonlight. This is an old thread, but you'll find many here who share your frustration and the loneliness of not being able to have a conversation when your wife can't communicate any longer. Sadly, denial is part of Dementia and indeed my partner gets depressed more on the odd occasion she is aware of her condition. Recommended thread - Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired | Dementia Talking Point (alzheimers.org.uk) will give you some tips to help conversation though it does not always solve every problem. It might just help make some situations easier for you both.
Keep reading and posting, we are here to help.

 

[Catastrophe]

Dad has always had a negative streak and could find the not so perfect side of everything. But now the moaning has reached epic levels. I have had three years of living with it, since Mum died. Everything is too cold or too hot. His trousers aren't the perfect fit, too long or to short depending on the moment. His pyjamas are the wrong ones. His breakfast is too much, too little, to chewy, the wrong colour. About 50 times a day I get told it's all his legs what should he do, then ignores the answer. Although he has lost almost all his nouns he still moans about the unit, I have no idea what a unit is. He comes staggering through complaining he is dieing, sees the cat or postman or builder, immediately recovers to say something weird to them, then turns round to me and starts dieing again. Only one of his friends will phone him now, and I think they do it out of respect for my late Mum. My brother who has not seen him for a year, due to covid restrictions, can't face phoning for all the moaning.. Sad really that he has cut himself off from everyone. He refuses to eat with us because we declared the tea table a moan free zone.
So yes a sad reality of the disease.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Dad has always had a negative streak and could find the not so perfect side of everything. But now the moaning has reached epic levels. I have had three years of living with it, since Mum died. Everything is too cold or too hot. His trousers aren't the perfect fit, too long or to short depending on the moment. His pyjamas are the wrong ones. His breakfast is too much, too little, to chewy, the wrong colour. About 50 times a day I get told it's all his legs what should he do, then ignores the answer. Although he has lost almost all his nouns he still moans about the unit, I have no idea what a unit is. He comes staggering through complaining he is dieing, sees the cat or postman or builder, immediately recovers to say something weird to them, then turns round to me and starts dieing again. Only one of his friends will phone him now, and I think they do it out of respect for my late Mum. My brother who has not seen him for a year, due to covid restrictions, can't face phoning for all the moaning.. Sad really that he has cut himself off from everyone. He refuses to eat with us because we declared the tea table a moan free zone.
So yes a sad reality of the disease.

A moan free zone, Haha that's cheered me up, brilliant.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Just a quick vent coming in case it helps. My wife is also the world champion negative vibes and moaning about anything and everything. This includes anyone who parks in her view from our front window and doesn't do it inch perfectly (although she hates most people who park on our street anyway, especially Land Rovers and their ilk), neighbours who she has never had a conversation with, most TV programmes, the weather, the uncomfortable furniture, the kitchen, the bathroom, the garden. I could go on but it is beyond description. And no end or respite in sight.

 

[TNJJ]

I know this is an old thread but it did cheer me up a little.Dad's negative traits are very much worse.Unfortnately he didn't get the personality change...I wish!