Children Of Dementia

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
Hello,

I wanted to start a thread for those who cared for their parent or parent figure in their life during dementia, and are now grieving.

I lost my Mum less than a week ago. I find writing very helpful and hope that other will too.

Today I am grateful that I have my sister in my life. We are like a suspension bridge - only upright because of each of us being strong for the other.

Its also 9.10 and I have not cried yet, and I slept through the night. I will take that as todays achievement.

So, what are you guys out there grateful for today?

Love Quilty
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
I'm twelve months down the line from you... Mum RIP 20 Feb 2015.
I did my grieving before she died, in the main. During her illness my Mum went from making our lives hell with her phone calls, wandering, selfishness...all simply an exaggeration of her pre dementia form.... to being a sad, shrunken blind old lady who cried for her mother and did not recognise me.
When Mum died I felt a great sense of relief that she was no longer a lost soul and had "gone home".
The grief I felt at her passing was the grief of someone who had lost their parent a long time ago. The numbness was that of a person ( me) not knowing where to start to pick up the pieces of my life, the life which had been on hold for so long.
The impact which Mum's Dementia ( and Blindness for Dementia was sadly not her only ailment) had caused in our lives is still present. I now have time to start to repair my own health which was totally neglected while Mum was alive.

I know I might come over as being a sad bitter woman who didn't love her mother......not true. I am sad I lost Mum, I'm bitter because of the effect her illness had on all my family...... but there again I found skills, strengths and friends here on TP, all of which I might have missed were it not for Mum.

Your grief is still very new. Take time to work through it. Don't expect too much of yourself too soon. There is no time limit to grief and everyone goes through it differently.

Take care, Maureen.x.
 

LeedsLass

Registered User
Oct 13, 2014
107
0
Essex
What a lovely idea Quilty! It's 2 months now since my lovely mum died. Still doesn't seem real. Love & miss her so much but so lucky to have had her for 52 years. So much sadness & horror in the world at the moment I just try & enjoy small things. Beautiful sunny dog walk yesterday, nice cup coffee in garden etc. But starting to get on with life again, at least now can feel free to book holiday without the worry of "what if". Take care & keep posting X


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
If we all keep posting the things that are making our lives nice again and what we appreciate we are bound to help each other.
Its an online shared gratitude journal. I am watching pride&prejudice box set and am grateful for Mr Darcy in his wet shirt! Funeral is Friday. Got the order of service today and its beautiful. All is now in place.
 

jjude

Registered User
Jan 4, 2011
34
0
England
I feel grateful that the whole family looked after and cared for dad and we are all even closer as a result. We have also got a new baby to welcome into the family in around four days time which is just lovely.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
I lost Mum last Autumn and get waves of grief but most of my tears were cried long ago. Our family is broken beyond repair.

I am now spending time reading, teaching my hobby, walking miles and all with out the guilt monster sitting on my shoulder telling me I should be feeding Mum rather than enjoying myself.

I miss my mum and always will but now I remember my mum, not what dementia made her.
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
My family us also broken beyond repair. It makes me appreciate the sister i do have even more. I feel guilty every day. I should be raking care of mum even though she is gone. Its hard wired in my brain now.
Today i am grateful for the people i still have.
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
I feel grateful that the whole family looked after and cared for dad and we are all even closer as a result. We have also got a new baby to welcome into the family in around four days time which is just lovely.

A new baby is a wonderful thing. New hope and a focus on the future. Kiss their little bald head for me please. How wonderful.
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,804
0
Ireland
My family us also broken beyond repair. It makes me appreciate the sister i do have even more. I feel guilty every day. I should be raking care of mum even though she is gone. Its hard wired in my brain now.
Today i am grateful for the people i still have.


Sending you loads of support and hugs Quilty.

Aisling xxxxxx
 

whamchick

Registered User
Mar 23, 2016
1
0
guilt

I lost my mum in November last year. She had dementia for the last 14 years, and I feel that the disease robbed me of a wonderful person. I look back over this time and I feel so guilty. I go past where she lived and think 'oh I'll go and see mum' and yet I never thought like this when she was alive. I used to visit her because I had to, and yet I loved this wonderful woman with all of my heart. I look at what everyone did for their relatives and think I could have done more for mum. I feel so guilty. I go on with my life but feel that I don't deserve to be happy. I sit and cry when I am alone. I dream about mum and she is well and as she was. I am not begging for sympathy but just want to know does it get easier? Am I alone in feeling selfish? Please god this gets better.
 

LeedsLass

Registered User
Oct 13, 2014
107
0
Essex
Oh whamchuck you poor love. You are absolutely right, dementia robs you of your loved one and replaces them with someone who can be completely different. To be honest that dementia person is not necessarily someone you want to spend time with. You lost your real mum gradually over 14 years, that's a long time to watch someone deteriorate. Please don't feel guilty I'm sure you did as much as you could, we all do, but I'm guessing most of us feel we could still have done more. I dreaded seeing my mum towards the end and felt relieved when she died in January. Now I'm wishing I could see her again in whatever state. I like dreaming that she's well again I find that comforting. I hope you can find some peace. X


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
Hello friends. Mums funeral was yesterday and the service was very beautiful and comforting. The minister read the eulogy i had written as i just could not. She was piped into the crematorium under a blue sky. Her favourite flowers - daffodils - were in bloom everywhere. We closed with mum and dads favourite dance tune - stranger on the shore - and had a photo of them both in their twenties all dresses for a formal dance. My heart was broken but proud at the same time. I walked her to the light. I just need to figure out how i live without her now.
 

CJinUSA

Registered User
Jan 20, 2014
1,122
0
eastern USA
Hello friends. Mums funeral was yesterday and the service was very beautiful and comforting. The minister read the eulogy i had written as i just could not. She was piped into the crematorium under a blue sky. Her favourite flowers - daffodils - were in bloom everywhere. We closed with mum and dads favourite dance tune - stranger on the shore - and had a photo of them both in their twenties all dresses for a formal dance. My heart was broken but proud at the same time. I walked her to the light. I just need to figure out how i live without her now.

Hello, Quilty. I wondered how things were going for you. Thank you for updating us. You did so much for your mother, and you wrote her eulogy - what a loving thing. The memorial service sounds like it was so beautiful, a wonderful sending off of your mother. You did walk her to the light, and walking on is difficult. You'll come through. You have such strength and goodwill. Hard times, though, I'm sure.
 

LeedsLass

Registered User
Oct 13, 2014
107
0
Essex
Aw Quilty that sounds just right. Daffodils are so uplifting. Tough times but I think the thought of these special people keep you going. Take care X


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,725
0
I am 12 months on and I also did a lot of my grieving during the caring period. I am now just so grateful that she didn't suffer too many years of this cruel disease
 

Mercuria

Registered User
May 7, 2014
25
0
Thank you for starting this thread, Quilty, and my commiserations to you and everyone else on here.

My mother's dementia first came to light two years ago. Then this year she had a fall in the hospital, needed surgery after two fractures, and never really recovered. She went downhill fairly rapidly and died about three weeks ago. The burial is still to happen as it involves returning her to her home country which is a bit more complicated than arranging for a local burial.

As I am the only remaining relation and my mother outlived all her old friends I'm not having a funeral as such. I didn't want to have to choose music and readings and sit there in an empty church by myself. A local priest has kindly agreed to come and say some words by the graveside and I will be arranging for a Mass to be said for her, though.

It's a bit strange without her. We had a difficult relationship for many years and the was some distance in it but in later years we became friends, and this still leaves a hole in my life. She was the last of my close relations (I've had four bereavements now in a year and a half). I still instinctively think when I see something in the shops "Oh, Mother would like that" and then remember that I can't give it to her any more.

The paperwork and admin have been quite complicated and bureaucratic but have given me a focus. Now that the solicitors are handling things I'm getting my life back, but it does feel very strange. So much went on hold while my mother was ill that I'm having to figure out what to do with my spare time and what sorts of things I like doing, if that makes sense.

My warmest commiserations to those of you who have been through this. Dementia is a particularly hard and hellish journey for anybody and going through the fires as you try to support someone changes you. I agree that you get most of the grieving done during that period. But I hope you can all find some peace of mind now and be able to regain something of your life and interests. Switching off the sense of worry is a hard one for me - I find myself worrying about how she is in the afterlife!
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
Hello Mercuria, im sorry that you had so many losses in such a short time. Like you i feel i have a hole in my life now. I cared daily for my mum for almist 10 years. I feel like a rudderless ship now. Please know you are not alone. We have all walked your journey. He did your part and your mums life was so much richer because if it. Take care and please keep posting. We will all find new ways to live.
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
Ive been reading a book called "chicken soup for the grieving soul'. One quote really spoke to me

You dont think you will live past it and you dont really. The person you were is gone. But the half of you that is still alive wakes up one day and takes over again.

Im going through the motions of living. How can i live in the world when my mother is dead? It seems impossible to me.
 
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