Medication for carer?

[marionq]

Recently I am having increasing difficulty keeping calm when dealing with my husband on an off day. I have concluded that I am the problem. He is just being a person with dementia.

For example I was on the phone with BT this morning being guided through fixing a broadband problem and with John wandering about trying to put on my coat instead of his own and the tension just kept rising as I juggled with two difficult situations.

I don't want to end up with a stroke from stress but neither do I want to be dependent on drugs so what is the answer? How to stay calm and healthy in stressful situations? I can only manage one swim a week at present and our walks are very limited because of his bad knee. Any suggestions?

 

[Scarlett123]

Recently I am having increasing difficulty keeping calm when dealing with my husband on an off day. I have concluded that I am the problem. He is just being a person with dementia.

For example I was on the phone with BT this morning being guided through fixing a broadband problem and with John wandering about trying to put on my coat instead of his own and the tension just kept rising as I juggled with two difficult situations.

I don't want to end up with a stroke from stress but neither do I want to be dependent on drugs so what is the answer? How to stay calm and healthy in stressful situations? I can only manage one swim a week at present and our walks are very limited because of his bad knee. Any suggestions?

"He is just being a person with dementia". Eight words that take a couple of seconds to say, but encompass your life - and what is the answer? All I can say from my own experience, is that this is an unanswerable conundrum. I couldn't stay calm every hour of every day for every year. I admire anyone who can, but that wasn't me.

I had what I called my "Maria, from the Sound of Music" moments, when I could take a deep breath, and deal with 2 problems at once, and I had my moments when I wanted to bang my head against the wall, hard. And I sobbed for the hand of cards that John and I had been dealt.

And then I found TP, and people who understood my problems. Sometimes they offered solutions, and at other times sympathy, but the lesson I learned was that, when I couldn't keep calm, it wasn't cos I was a Very Bad Person - it was because I was human. xxx

 

[Alicenutter]

"He is just being a person with dementia". Eight words that take a couple of seconds to say, but encompass your life - and what is the answer? All I can say from my own experience, is that this is an unanswerable conundrum. I couldn't stay calm every hour of every day for every year. I admire anyone who can, but that wasn't me.

I had what I called my "Maria, from the Sound of Music" moments, when I could take a deep breath, and deal with 2 problems at once, and I had my moments when I wanted to bang my head against the wall, hard. And I sobbed for the hand of cards that John and I had been dealt.

And then I found TP, and people who understood my problems. Sometimes they offered solutions, and at other times sympathy, but the lesson I learned was that, when I couldn't keep calm, it wasn't cos I was a Very Bad Person - it was because I was human. xxx

Scarlett, you're just great. Because we often feel like we're Very Bad People, when not only do we do exactly what all the Compassionate Communication stuff says you shouldn't do, but we then get the results that you get when you don't Communicate Compassionately.

Marion, I have been there. Some days I manage to breathe deeply, some days I don't, and I lose it. Just one idea - can you leave John alone and go for a walk without him? This is where the Capgras syndrome actually comes in helpful. When Joseph thinks I'm not his wife, I go for a walk, and then come back as myself. Usually. But at the moment it's ok to leave him on his own, at least for an hour or two. And the walking really soothes me, wherever I walk, although it's better if there are trees and grass and birds and stuff.

 

[marionq]

How I would love to do things on my own and John be independent! He would take off, limping his way into wherever he ended up. He has no idea where he is once he leaves the house and could not find his way back.

I really need to look after my health and losing my rag on a regular basis is not good for my blood pressure. I dont think it affects John but how can you tell? Nothing seems to register with him nowadays. If it were not for day centres I think I would give up.

I imagine there are many out there the same. How do you stay healthy?

 

[Selinacroft]

Hi Marion
I've just started the trial program that the AS are running at the moment dealing with the way you think about the responses Dementia produces. It's an interesting look at things and suggests ways to calm our thoughts. Well worth enrolling as a guinea pig until they roll out the best program on line.
I would suggest a visit to GP and see if he can offer anything to take the edge off stress/or anxiety. If you can feel your head getting stressed it may be a good idea to get your blood pressure checked etc as it is important we keep ourselves fit. (says she with a very wonky knee who can't find time to stop and rest!)

 

[CucumberWhisky]

Tai Chi?

Recently I am having increasing difficulty keeping calm when dealing with my husband on an off day. I have concluded that I am the problem. He is just being a person with dementia.

For example I was on the phone with BT this morning being guided through fixing a broadband problem and with John wandering about trying to put on my coat instead of his own and the tension just kept rising as I juggled with two difficult situations.

I don't want to end up with a stroke from stress but neither do I want to be dependent on drugs so what is the answer? How to stay calm and healthy in stressful situations? I can only manage one swim a week at present and our walks are very limited because of his bad knee. Any suggestions?

I know the feeling, Marion. Sometimes I can breeze through things and other times I am so tense in muscles and grinding my teeth (even when supposedly relaxing/asleep in bed) that I just have to have my medication. I was prescribed Diazepam after Mum had her stroke and I cut them into quarters. Usually one quarter is enough for me and I can go for weeks at a time without needing any. Otherwise I do Tai Chi. Would that work for you? Even just doing some warm-up exercises is good, you don't have to do the whole thing! There are various DVDs available if you can't get to a class. Good luck and thinking of you. CW

 

[rhubarbtree]

Just bumping this thread up while waiting for someone to come along with the answer lol

Our lives, me and OH, go along in waves. His muddles and sulking, my shouting and not being calendar girl. Then his appreciation for all that I do and my understanding and helpfulness.

Calendar girl, not as in the film, but the person who tells him what's happening next. Sometimes I'm Entertainment officer. Strange life.

 

[marionq]

I know the feeling, Marion. Sometimes I can breeze through things and other times I am so tense in muscles and grinding my teeth (even when supposedly relaxing/asleep in bed) that I just have to have my medication. I was prescribed Diazepam after Mum had her stroke and I cut them into quarters. Usually one quarter is enough for me and I can go for weeks at a time without needing any. Otherwise I do Tai Chi. Would that work for you? Even just doing some warm-up exercises is good, you don't have to do the whole thing! There are various DVDs available if you can't get to a class. Good luck and thinking of you. CW

Youve just reminded me that I've got a Pilates dvd which I have never used. I am also going to steal half an hour out of my time when John is at daycare to go for a brisk walk. I have been allowing myself to get caught up on all the things which need doing instead of concentrating on my own well being. I hate becoming a shouty witch and that is where I was heading.

Thanks for the tips and goodwill I can use any amount of it.lol

 

[Grannie G]

Whenever I have to deal with a problem ,which may involve either being assertive or having to tolerate a long complicated phone call, I know I would have been unable to do this when I was a full time carer.

I was so on edge at that time I would be tearful even before I started to try to deal with issues.

I don`t have the answer but reading these posts really takes me back.

Take care of yourselves, as well as you can .

 

[Izzy]

I feel for you Marion. x

 

[Gwyneth]

Gracious, all my emotions, feelings and reactions have been spelled out in all you comments. It has made me howl in both kinds of ways!!!! Love the thought of being a Calendar Girl!!! I always say I am Bill's PA but unpaid!!! Definitely days though that are screaming days when things go wrong and have to be sorted. I do worry at times over the stress of it all on me but just have to try and cope. I can leave my husband for a day, even overnight, but I have to keep in touch with him, leave notes which he still doesn't really understand so processing of info is definitely going, and hope for the best. I have noticed he is much more clingy now and if I potter down town he tends to come looking for me. Difficult to deal with, I just muddle on and keep dreaming! And try to keep smiling!!!

 

[thebes]

I do recognise what you are saying and am struggling to find my own answers. We have just become virtually housebound with new health worries for my OH and erratic carer support. I find that it is the tension I am in all day that exhausts me , I seem to be wound up like a clock spring and unable to sit still! Good for getting things done, bad for my overall health I suspect. I even had a GP appointment to discuss this a few days ago but cancelled it as we had carer problems. Must remake it.
I am trying to work on the different elements that seem to be pulling me down, yes possibly medicating me is one of them though not a welcome thought. I also find I laugh very little so have altered my reading and TV viewing to at least cheer me up rather than worry me more. I try hard to 'give' myself some me time each day rather than letting it all get swallowed up in the mundane, not been managing that too well this last week or so, this post is a good reminder! I have a couple of good friends who are good at listening, neither live locally but email does help, an occasional meet ups. One is coming to stay overnight soon. I used to meditate but have never been good at doing it on my own, must try harder. I have been of the view that my OH should never be left alone, but on thinking about it more dispassionately I am wondering if I have created a rod for my own back, we live near a little park and if I allowed myself to go out for 20 or 30 mins for a walk I would so love the fresh air and open space. Our local AZ adviser has also been someone to check things out with.
Ideas from others who know what this rocky road is like do help so please TPers keep them coming, I am sure there are many of us in a similar position

 

[rhubarbtree]

Just responding to a few points on here which have really hit home.

We really do need to look after ourselves. BUT, and there always is one. I have joined classes to get myself out and then had to cancel either to care for OH or because I'm too exhausted to make the effort to go. Don't like not keeping up with commitments so seem to be setting myself up to fail.

Have the DVDs, CDs, etc. BUT finding time, space, something for OH to do means once again I do not commit.

Getting out for some fresh air each day is a good idea. Yesterday I was able to get to the local shops, library, bank with speed and efficiency (that's how I like to operate). BUT so often I encourage OH to come along because I know he needs to get out and see people, and I end up tense and frustrated.

Am so looking forward to the better weather. Always something worthwhile doing in the garden for both of us.

 

[marionq]

Another perspective

Well, I have just waved John off to day centre. His driver told me John is such a laugh and often says things like "do you want a wee biscuit son?" Then produces a tissue wrapped parcel from his pocket or from under his flat cap/bunnet where he has hidden the days haul. He saves little cartons of jam there too.

It is a definite comfort to know that however cheesed off I get John is happy in his other world of imaginary people, work, fan club!

It is a beautiful day and when I finish the ironing I will get out and walk.

Keep well all of you.

 

[Trisha4]

Recently I am having increasing difficulty keeping calm when dealing with my husband on an off day. I have concluded that I am the problem. He is just being a person with dementia.

For example I was on the phone with BT this morning being guided through fixing a broadband problem and with John wandering about trying to put on my coat instead of his own and the tension just kept rising as I juggled with two difficult situations.

I don't want to end up with a stroke from stress but neither do I want to be dependent on drugs so what is the answer? How to stay calm and healthy in stressful situations? I can only manage one swim a week at present and our walks are very limited because of his bad knee. Any suggestions?

I'm not replying with an answer - I wish I could. But just to say I totally empathise with everything you say. So at times I can't stay calm, I get angry and feel stressed. I also feel mean and unkind because Mick is 'only being a person with dementia'.
I love that simple phrase which sums up our lives.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[marionq]

Trisha, TP must have a magic influence because since I made that post I have indeed been much calmer and more philosophical about our situation. I think it is therapeutic to get your feelings out and examine them and in my case I admit that being trapped in an illness so unlike our former life has at times nearly broken me.

Each of the last four years has been characterised by something quite different as we go through the stages and like everyone else I wonder what the next year will bring. At the back of all of our minds must be the largely unspoken concern for our own health and what would happen if we could no longer do the caring. This is why I asked the question in the first place. We need to share our good advice and encouragement to keep ourselves well.

Good wishes.

 

[mani]

headspace app

Recently I am having increasing difficulty keeping calm when dealing with my husband on an off day. I have concluded that I am the problem. He is just being a person with dementia.

For example I was on the phone with BT this morning being guided through fixing a broadband problem and with John wandering about trying to put on my coat instead of his own and the tension just kept rising as I juggled with two difficult situations.

I don't want to end up with a stroke from stress but neither do I want to be dependent on drugs so what is the answer? How to stay calm and healthy in stressful situations? I can only manage one swim a week at present and our walks are very limited because of his bad knee. Any suggestions?

hello ...i have on my phone an app..don't i sound hip? called headspace which i try and use everyday .its just the free 10 day trial i use and i hope and think it empowers me ...not all the while but just to meditate seems to help ..and im not a crack pot honest ..just desperate like you to cope and stay calm ..if i dont i run the risk of being hit ... and the other thing i use is head phone then it stop s my husband talking to me ...i know it sounds crazy but if i dont i will join him!! mani