Having been the recipient of so much supportive and helpful advice from the members of this forum during the years I was looking after Mum at home, I think it's time I gave something back.
So I hope my account of making the decision to put Mum in a care home and what's happened since might be of some help to anybody here who is now struggling with taking that next step.
First let me say that I never wanted to put Mum in a home and when I say I made the decision to do so I didn't really. It was essentially made for me by the Consultant in the hospital who told me that if Mum survived her latest downturn, I simply would not be able to look after her at home anymore as she needed too much support for one person, even with the help of carers, to provide.
Well she did survive and I had to admit to myself that the Consultant was right and set about finding her a suitable home. I looked at several but one really seemed right. It wasn't the most modern but it had a real feeling of care and happiness in it. I was very fortunate to get her in there and I can now, with the benefit of hindsight, say it was the best decision I have taken since this whole horrible business of dementia began. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing for Mum by caring for her at home. But it is now clear to me that it comes to a point in the illness where home care is doing more harm than good.
Obviously everyone's situation is different but in mine I now firmly believe that Mum's condition deteriorated so much in her last few months at home because she was depressed at the extent to which her world had shrunk. She essentially went from the bedroom to the sitting room and saw nobody but me, the odd visitor and the two carers who came for an hour in the morning and evening. She stopped eating and wouldn't drink enough and generally deteriorated to the point that she needed to be hospitalised. Nothing I tried made any difference. This situation continued in the hospital where they mostly kept her alive on fluids for six weeks.
The day she left hospital en route to the Home neither myself or the Drs were sure she would survive. Going home that night and leaving her lying in the bed in the Home and realising she would never be coming back to the house I had looked after her in for years was the worst day of my life. I remember feeling like I'd buried her alive and I howled crying for hours and wanted to rush back to the home and take her out.
Thankfully sense prevailed and, here's the wonderful thing, from the day she entered the Home she began to eat again and take an interest in things. The secret is, I firmly believe, the stimulation. She is surrounded by people and activities and is never at a loss for attention. The carers are wonderful with interacting with her at her level and she adores them. I visit her every day and while it's not perfect and some days she is agitated or upset they are few and far between. I honestly feel she is as happy as it is possible to be in her situation and has access to instant medical care which has proved invaluable since she is prone to UTI's and the sooner they're spotted the better. Plus she has put on nearly two stone in weight!
Bottom line is I truly believe that if I hadn't taken this route Mum would not be alive today and would have missed the opportunity to end her days in relative happiness rather than being housebound with little company or stimulation.
I really thought putting her in a home would be the worst thing ever. Turns out it was the best. Hope this was of some help to anybody faced with the same dilemma.
So I hope my account of making the decision to put Mum in a care home and what's happened since might be of some help to anybody here who is now struggling with taking that next step.
First let me say that I never wanted to put Mum in a home and when I say I made the decision to do so I didn't really. It was essentially made for me by the Consultant in the hospital who told me that if Mum survived her latest downturn, I simply would not be able to look after her at home anymore as she needed too much support for one person, even with the help of carers, to provide.
Well she did survive and I had to admit to myself that the Consultant was right and set about finding her a suitable home. I looked at several but one really seemed right. It wasn't the most modern but it had a real feeling of care and happiness in it. I was very fortunate to get her in there and I can now, with the benefit of hindsight, say it was the best decision I have taken since this whole horrible business of dementia began. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing for Mum by caring for her at home. But it is now clear to me that it comes to a point in the illness where home care is doing more harm than good.
Obviously everyone's situation is different but in mine I now firmly believe that Mum's condition deteriorated so much in her last few months at home because she was depressed at the extent to which her world had shrunk. She essentially went from the bedroom to the sitting room and saw nobody but me, the odd visitor and the two carers who came for an hour in the morning and evening. She stopped eating and wouldn't drink enough and generally deteriorated to the point that she needed to be hospitalised. Nothing I tried made any difference. This situation continued in the hospital where they mostly kept her alive on fluids for six weeks.
The day she left hospital en route to the Home neither myself or the Drs were sure she would survive. Going home that night and leaving her lying in the bed in the Home and realising she would never be coming back to the house I had looked after her in for years was the worst day of my life. I remember feeling like I'd buried her alive and I howled crying for hours and wanted to rush back to the home and take her out.
Thankfully sense prevailed and, here's the wonderful thing, from the day she entered the Home she began to eat again and take an interest in things. The secret is, I firmly believe, the stimulation. She is surrounded by people and activities and is never at a loss for attention. The carers are wonderful with interacting with her at her level and she adores them. I visit her every day and while it's not perfect and some days she is agitated or upset they are few and far between. I honestly feel she is as happy as it is possible to be in her situation and has access to instant medical care which has proved invaluable since she is prone to UTI's and the sooner they're spotted the better. Plus she has put on nearly two stone in weight!
Bottom line is I truly believe that if I hadn't taken this route Mum would not be alive today and would have missed the opportunity to end her days in relative happiness rather than being housebound with little company or stimulation.
I really thought putting her in a home would be the worst thing ever. Turns out it was the best. Hope this was of some help to anybody faced with the same dilemma.
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