It's all happening very quickly- I'm tense!

[josephinewilson]

It's literally only been a couple of weeks since I started looking at care homes for my mother and the one I liked best told me on Friday they'd put her on the waiting list. I was expecting a few months to get used to the idea (me more than her ) but they rang this evening saying there is a bed now (some people above her in the list didn't meet the mobility criteria when assessed. It is not a nursing home; just for dementia, and my mother is mobile with no other conditions except dementia) So they asked if I will bring her over to look at her room and discuss the financing. We're going on Thursday.

This is all well and good because I know she needs residential care and this is the nicest home I have seen - but it all seems so sudden! I mean- in theory she might be in there in a couple of weeks time.
I have barely raised the subject with her (talk of her having a temporary holiday while I go abroad on work) and now they want to show her a room.

It is the right thing to do - I'm just a bit jittery and I hope she won't think I've let her down. The lady who rang said did we want a place now or did we want to stay on the list for a while. I said we do want the place now - and we do! - but - oh

 

[fizzie]

It will be OK - breathe!
You have answered all your own questions and what I am hearing from you is that it is the right time and you have even sown the seeds of being away and wanting her to be safe and comfortable and it won't change anything and all the things she wants to hear.

Take care, keep posting and fingers crossed that Thursday will be good. You can always change your mind - right up to the last minute as they have said you can ask to be put on the waiting list and even if it doesn't work out people can and do change the path they are taking, nothing is set in stone. Go with it for now and see how it works out for both of you xxxxxxxx

 

[The Chewtor]

Josephine, you obviously know it is for the best and definitely for the best long term for everyone concerned. just keep telling yourself that all the time. come here often for moral support and let us all know how it goes.

good luck

wayne

 

[PollyP.]

Hi Josephine

This is exactly what happened with my Mum. I'd put her name on the waiting list for the care home she was attending now and again for respite. But what a shock when they phoned to let me know that they had a vacancy....I wasn't ready for it and I didn't tell Mum that she was going in as a permanent resident - I felt awful about it.

I told myself that I would bring her home again if it didn't work out, but 3 years on and Mum thinks she has only been there a couple of nights. I realise now that she had time to get to know the carers and for them to know her before the dementia progressed.

It's a lovely small home and the staff are so kind. I'm glad that I went ahead with it as I may not have been so lucky later on with a choice of homes.

But I know exactly how you must be feeling now.

((hugs))
Pauline

 

[josephinewilson]

Thanks, thanks everyone I do know it is the right thing - I had just resigned myself to a few months' wait (and ironically was even worrying about how much more my mum would deteriorate in those few months of waiting) Hopefully I can come back to this post some time in the future and tell myself I needn't have worried

 

[Aisling]

It's literally only been a couple of weeks since I started looking at care homes for my mother and the one I liked best told me on Friday they'd put her on the waiting list. I was expecting a few months to get used to the idea (me more than her ) but they rang this evening saying there is a bed now (some people above her in the list didn't meet the mobility criteria when assessed. It is not a nursing home; just for dementia, and my mother is mobile with no other conditions except dementia) So they asked if I will bring her over to look at her room and discuss the financing. We're going on Thursday.

This is all well and good because I know she needs residential care and this is the nicest home I have seen - but it all seems so sudden! I mean- in theory she might be in there in a couple of weeks time.
I have barely raised the subject with her (talk of her having a temporary holiday while I go abroad on work) and now they want to show her a room.

It is the right thing to do - I'm just a bit jittery and I hope she won't think I've let her down. The lady who rang said did we want a place now or did we want to stay on the list for a while. I said we do want the place now - and we do! - but - oh

You know it is the right to do Josephine.

Thinking of you and sending loads of support.

Aisling

 

[betsie]

This was me a couple of weeks ago. It's totally awful and I still haven't recovered. Mum went in on Thursday on the pretence I am on holiday for a week ( if only) and she is having a break at the hotel ( she had been for a few day visits).
Mum has taken too it like a duck to water while I have been at home crying, wracked with guilt.

She hasn't been upset once, hasn't asked to go home, eats well, sleeps well and is enjoying all the activities. She clears the tables after meals and wipes them down and helps with the tea trolley. She is also going to see other residents in their rooms for a chat and generally keeping herself busy. My sister went yesterday and she didn't ask to go home or get upset. I know it's early days and we could still have a hiccup but so far it seems like we definatly made the right decision and mum is still with us enough to really make the most of all what's going on. At home alone she was fed up, anxious, obsessive and very confused.

I know it's so hard but I think I have realised that sometimes the things we dread the most actually turn out to be the best thing we could have done. My mum is safe now, has company all the time, lots of people to chat to, activities to keep her busy, fresh cooked meals and nothing to worry about. Fingers crossed for Thursday. My advice would be to stay calm and not over complicate the love lies. If you are stressed and panicking she will think she should be worried too.

 

[josephinewilson]

Thankyou Betsie and others earlier. Your comments do reassure me as here I am again nearly midnight, worrying about Thursday and her reaction. I will definitely put on a show of cheerfulness and calm as I explain about my business trip and her little holiday

 

[Amy in the US]

Josephine, I can understand your worry, but do hope you are able to get some sleep. The calmer you can be on the day, the better (but feel free to fall apart afterwards!). Easy to say, not so easy to do.

Have you had a read in this thread? http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ut-relative-in-care-home-my-story-9-months-on

You might find some reassurance there.

Will be thinking of you!

 

[Chemmy]

This was me a couple of weeks ago. It's totally awful and I still haven't recovered. Mum went in on Thursday on the pretence I am on holiday for a week ( if only) and she is having a break at the hotel ( she had been for a few day visits).
Mum has taken too it like a duck to water while I have been at home crying, wracked with guilt.

She hasn't been upset once, hasn't asked to go home, eats well, sleeps well and is enjoying all the activities. She clears the tables after meals and wipes them down and helps with the tea trolley. She is also going to see other residents in their rooms for a chat and generally keeping herself busy. My sister went yesterday and she didn't ask to go home or get upset. I know it's early days and we could still have a hiccup but so far it seems like we definatly made the right decision and mum is still with us enough to really make the most of all what's going on. At home alone she was fed up, anxious, obsessive and very confused.

I know it's so hard but I think I have realised that sometimes the things we dread the most actually turn out to be the best thing we could have done. My mum is safe now, has company all the time, lots of people to chat to, activities to keep her busy, fresh cooked meals and nothing to worry about. Fingers crossed for Thursday. My advice would be to stay calm and not over complicate the love lies. If you are stressed and panicking she will think she should be worried too.

Thanks for posting that, betsie. It's so important that the positive side of going into care is talked about. Often people leave it far too late to make the move, whereas being in a position to interact with the staff and other residents can be beneficial.

Good luck, Josephine!