Feel so alone

Babymare01

Registered User
Apr 22, 2015
315
0
Im feeling so low and tearful. So mothers day is coming up and last night I got a text of my brother saying “away this weekend sending a card to you to take into mum”. Got the same message in January on her birthday. He went in 2 weeks before Christmas and hasn’t been in since. When mum fell and fractured her pelvis I texted him from hospital to tell him and he replied” ok I will be over in 2 weeks” – it was 2 months and he never rang or texted to find out how mum was. Yes it’s a journey of 1 hour each way but it’s a journey I done once a week for 10 years, when mum livid at home and I moved out area, but what he expected me to do 4/5 times a week ( to do things like put her wheelie bin out) though he livid 10 mins away from her then( never went to visit her). Our lovely mum never ever treated us differently – what she did for one she did for other - and whilst my brother will say he has never been close to mum he was when he needed to borrow her car/money or need help. Im watching my mother fade away from me day in day out and he never texts or ring to find out not only how mum is but how I am. Im crying so many tears for my lovely mum. She doesn’t deserve this from her son. Im lucky that I have a wonderful husband and the most wonderful MIL/SIL but I still feel so alone coping with all mums dementia throws at me. Last year he came over to see mum 3 times and I never hear from him at all. I know he deals with financial stuff for mum and I appreciate that but some moral support? Is that to much to ask? Just a simple text ”hows mum” that’s all. Sorry but feeling so so low and tears keep flowing
 

Julia B

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
79
0
Sorry you are feeling so low, but just remember you are doing an amazing job, loving and caring for your mum, looks like your brother simply can't/won't handle it - you don't have that luxury do you chick? Your mum is so lucky to have such a lovely daughter, big hugs, you aren't alone, we are all with you and from what I read, you're strong, loving and kind, your mum has the best person looking after her xx
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
Try looking at it from a different angle. You love your Mum and are there for her as much as you can. He is a weaker less loving person who has failed her in such simple ways as not bothering to turn up.

Focus your thoughts and attentions on those who can benefit from your love. Your brother will go his own way and in turn will be a lonely old man.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
I`m sorry you are feeling so alone too.

Your brother is taking the easy way out. It sounds as if he finds your mother`s dementia as painful as you do but because you are there, feels he can opt out of the hands on caring and do his bit by managing her finances.

It`s not fair and is following a long standing conditioning where the women of the family are the carers and the men the administrators.

Happily things are changing and we have some wonderful male carers here on TP but some will still get away with while they can.

It is not only male siblings who opt out. There are many tales here on TP of female siblings who take no responsibility for care while there is someone else to act on their behalf.

If your brother asks how you are , he may be digging a hole filled with guilt by your answers and he doesn`t want to do that.
 

beverrino

Registered User
Jan 12, 2015
1,110
0
I am so sorry to read this and its awful the feeling of isolation especially on the very bad days. Invisible siblings are difficult to deal with. Have you told your brother how you feel? and what the situation is like for you?
When my dad died 16 months ago, I (unintentionally) became my mothers primary carer. My sister is a nurse and blamed her shifts why she was unable to do more and was happy for me to do everything (including working full time).
Hubby kept telling me to tell her she needed to do more - and I did try on a number of occasions but it did prove very difficult as she was trying to block out the seriousness of the situation.

it all came to a head a couple of weeks ago when I told her my hubby was worried about the stress I was under caring for her daily and the following day she rang me to say she would take over some of the days of the week - to give me a break. It was almost a lightbulb moment when she became aware (finally) of the seriousness of the situation.

Maybe your brother is afraid to get involved? I remember in the early days my sis saying 'I have my own life to lead', well we all have that.

I really hope your situation improves, its so sad when people shut out members of their family, you can never gain that time back.

I love my mum very much, and hate to see her suffering, but all the little things do build up on you and even with your own supportive family sometimes your brother needs to give you the support that you clearly need from him.

sending you a hug and please look after yourself xxxxx
 

marmarlade

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
183
0
my hubby is in care and i have two wonderful children [one boy one girl] who help me out with visits and taking their dad out,but i also have one son like your brother never visits his dad and only lives 5 minutes away from the home so he can walk there.i know how this hurts and it makes you angry as well as its their dad as well,just try and remember your doing wonderful things for your mum its some times the only way to cope with this dementia cry as much as you like i still do it doesnt take things away but it helps
 

chrissie121

Registered User
Nov 27, 2013
29
0
I am so sorry to read this and its awful the feeling of isolation especially on the very bad days. Invisible siblings are difficult to deal with. Have you told your brother how you feel? and what the situation is like for you?
When my dad died 16 months ago, I (unintentionally) became my mothers primary carer. My sister is a nurse and blamed her shifts why she was unable to do more and was happy for me to do everything (including working full time).
Hubby kept telling me to tell her she needed to do more - and I did try on a number of occasions but it did prove very difficult as she was trying to block out the seriousness of the situation.

it all came to a head a couple of weeks ago when I told her my hubby was worried about the stress I was under caring for her daily and the following day she rang me to say she would take over some of the days of the week - to give me a break. It was almost a lightbulb moment when she became aware (finally) of the seriousness of the situation.

Maybe your brother is afraid to get involved? I remember in the early days my sis saying 'I have my own life to lead', well we all have that.

I really hope your situation improves, its so sad when people shut out members of their family, you can never gain that time back.

I love my mum very much, and hate to see her suffering, but all the little things do build up on you and even with your own supportive family sometimes your brother needs to give you the support that you clearly need from him.

sending you a hug and please look after yourself xxxxx

I am so sorry you are feeling so tearful but I totally understand how you feel it is all on your shoulders. I have there brothers ( one lives in the States) the other two visit my Mum ( whose in a care home with middle stage dementia and lots of other ailments) once a week staying probably an hour at best. I feel I am totally responsible for both her health and financial affairs. Your brother has the easy option but as the other people have commented, it is because they are men and they just don't know how to handle the situation so they don't as they know their female relative will just get on with it, that's what us females do, we just deal with it, the best way we can. Not saying we are more caring then men as I have a colleague who does everything for his disabled Mum, even moving her nearer to him so he could visit her every day and his sister doesn't text from one month to the next. Some people just avoid having to deal with family illness as they just don't know how to. You are doing a fantastic job and I am sure your Mum loves and appreciates all you do.
 

Stevey

Registered User
Jul 27, 2015
28
0
UK
CCOLE , sorry to hear you're feeling so low and alone at the moment.

As other people have said, you're doing an amazing job and despite how hard it is, you've just got to keep your chin up and do your thing best you can - and it's all for the benefit of helping your mum in these tough times. Even if she might not fully understand what's happening or what you're doing, there will be people who recognise your efforts and will support you. If that isn't your brother, then that might be just the way it is for the moment... but doesn't mean it won't be the same forever, as you never know he may pick up the phone or pay a visit unawares.
 

Rodelinda

Registered User
Jun 15, 2015
172
0
Suffolk
I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I do know how you feel - my nearly 90 year-old mother (with vascular dementia and quite rapidly deteriorating) lives with me. My brother was always her favourite; he lives overseas and is quite frankly useless most of the time - no cards (either at Christmas or birthdays), no phone calls, no e-mails (though I contact him weekly). There are times when I feel just as you do - fed up, lonely, ****ed off and tearful feeling it's all so unfair as we've given up so much to care for my mother (my job, going out, holidays even just popping out to the shops together). But I know he just can't cope. I am learning to not let it get to me as that will just be another thing to stress about. My mother is here with us, we care for her as best we can, she eats well, I can keep a close eye on medical and other needs, I don't have to go to a care home to visit regularly (or feel the guilt of her not being with us) and it seems right and proper that she's here with her daughter. So just as others have said, just try to care for yourself and tell yourself that you're doing a brilliant job caring for your mother when she needs it. (I know only too well that it doesn't always feel like that). Sue
 

Red66

Registered User
Feb 29, 2016
362
0
Im feeling so low and tearful. So mothers day is coming up and last night I got a text of my brother saying “away this weekend sending a card to you to take into mum”. Got the same message in January on her birthday. He went in 2 weeks before Christmas and hasn’t been in since. When mum fell and fractured her pelvis I texted him from hospital to tell him and he replied” ok I will be over in 2 weeks” – it was 2 months and he never rang or texted to find out how mum was. Yes it’s a journey of 1 hour each way but it’s a journey I done once a week for 10 years, when mum livid at home and I moved out area, but what he expected me to do 4/5 times a week ( to do things like put her wheelie bin out) though he livid 10 mins away from her then( never went to visit her). Our lovely mum never ever treated us differently – what she did for one she did for other - and whilst my brother will say he has never been close to mum he was when he needed to borrow her car/money or need help. Im watching my mother fade away from me day in day out and he never texts or ring to find out not only how mum is but how I am. Im crying so many tears for my lovely mum. She doesn’t deserve this from her son. Im lucky that I have a wonderful husband and the most wonderful MIL/SIL but I still feel so alone coping with all mums dementia throws at me. Last year he came over to see mum 3 times and I never hear from him at all. I know he deals with financial stuff for mum and I appreciate that but some moral support? Is that to much to ask? Just a simple text ”hows mum” that’s all. Sorry but feeling so so low and tears keep flowing

Hi CCole,

I understand how you feel. My brother lives 200 miles away and I get left with everything. He comes up once a month.

My Dad is in a mental health unit and has been under section since November, he has vascular dementia, Alzheimer's and lewy body dementia. I have taken on everything with my dad as my mum is so upset. I am the one looking for nursing homes and dealing with a lot of other things. Things that you can pick up a phone and sort which isn't easy with a 1 and a 3 year old by your side, not good when you are trying to have important conversations. Things that my brother can easily take over, but doesn't.

But, what I have noticed is when he sees Dad he doesn't know how to deal with it and he walks away from mum and I alot once we have seen him. It seems to upset him alot and rightly so, but he walks away from us so we don't see him with a tear in his eye. It's too much for us all to take but I think women are stronger than men.

I am not making excuses for him and he should help out more but if you don't put yourself in the line of danger so to speak, then you don't have go deal with the upset as much.

Out of sight out of mind as they say

Red
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
Hello. Im sorry that you are having to do this alone. I am in exactly the same situation with my sister. She does not work and lives alone 10 mins away from the CH but visits twice a year at best. She caused my mum to disown my other sister too by playing on mums paranoia.

I have made peace with this for my own sake. I expect nothing of her and then i dont get angry. I care for mum bacause it is my duty and what my dad would have expected me to do. She has always been a very difficult woman but she deserves our live in her last days.

Do what YOU want and need to do and forget about anyone else. Hopefully this will you feel better too. With TP you are never alone. We all walk the same journey here and we truly understand how you feel. Be kind to yourself. Love quilty
 

MeganCat

Registered User
Jan 29, 2013
358
0
South Wales
Hi ccole
I echo quilty. My blue eyed brother hasnt been to visit mum since she moved down to a care home near me 2 years ago. He doesnt text or ring. Ive stopped giving him updates. Im doing what i can/ need to to satisfy my consience. He will have to live with his.
You are doing a great job.
 

Babymare01

Registered User
Apr 22, 2015
315
0
Thank you everyone for your comments and reasonings. Each and every comment helped and made sense and for that I thank you for helping me realise Im not alone with you guys there with a virtual shoulder. I had a good cry Saturday to a good friend. She didn't say anything just hugged me and that was like a pressure valve going off :) Yesterday I went in to see mum with flowers and cards and just sat stroking her hand singing to songs on radio - was very peaceful.

So thank you for caring and understanding - hugs to you all xx
 

cat64

Registered User
Sep 1, 2014
45
0
Just wanted to say I so understand...............mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia 3 years ago and just before that my brother said to me and my sister that he wouldn't have anything to do with her any more as she had been callous for so long.
Yes she has always been challenging but she had been divorced and had breast cancer twice so that would stress me out.......and he was always the favourite.

This week my sister and I are hopefully getting my mum into a care home.it has been such a roller coaster of anger and emotion over the last three years and he has split the family big time. Mum and Dad are divorced and he will come and see Dad but of course not even discuss mum who lives 2 mins up the road. My children haven't had their uncle at their 21st celebrations and we will probably never see our only niece again.

So yes its horrible but at least you still have contact with him and he is helping with the financial side...................Im battling with mums financial advisor, power of attorney and clearing the house iminently.

Families are challenging and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

You are doing a brilliant job.its all any of us can do x take care
 

Jukes

Registered User
Mar 7, 2016
2
0
http://www.I too feel alone and have a brother similar to yours how frustrating!

M
Im feeling so low and tearful. So mothers day is coming up and last night I got a text of my brother saying “away this weekend sending a card to you to take into mum”. Got the same message in January on her birthday. He went in 2 weeks before Christmas and hasn’t been in since. When mum fell and fractured her pelvis I texted him from hospital to tell him and he replied” ok I will be over in 2 weeks” – it was 2 months and he never rang or texted to find out how mum was. Yes it’s a journey of 1 hour each way but it’s a journey I done once a week for 10 years, when mum livid at home and I moved out area, but what he expected me to do 4/5 times a week ( to do things like put her wheelie bin out) though he livid 10 mins away from her then( never went to visit her). Our lovely mum never ever treated us differently – what she did for one she did for other - and whilst my brother will say he has never been close to mum he was when he needed to borrow her car/money or need help. Im watching my mother fade away from me day in day out and he never texts or ring to find out not only how mum is but how I am. Im crying so many tears for my lovely mum. She doesn’t deserve this from her son. Im lucky that I have a wonderful husband and the most wonderful MIL/SIL but I still feel so alone coping with all mums dementia throws at me. Last year he came over to see mum 3 times and I never hear from him at all. I know he deals with financial stuff for mum and I appreciate that but some moral support? Is that to much to ask? Just a simple text ”hows mum” that’s all. Sorry but feeling so so low and tears keep flowing
 
Last edited:

Jukes

Registered User
Mar 7, 2016
2
0

Maybe your brother cannot handle the situation and is leaving all the medical, emotional and hands on care to you which is the worse ever! I am in a similar situation and it makes me feel quite ill I feel anxious before visiting my mum and feel terrible for two days after and I feel so helpless and cannot sleep waking always thinking of mum! I do not have the answers and find it so lonely!
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
0
West Midlands
Maybe your brother cannot handle the situation and is leaving all the medical, emotional and hands on care to you which is the worse ever! I am in a similar situation and it makes me feel quite ill I feel anxious before visiting my mum and feel terrible for two days after and I feel so helpless and cannot sleep waking always thinking of mum! I do not have the answers and find it so lonely!

You are not alone

You have TP and we understand what that lonely feeling, even though there are other family members around, feels like

Never had a good/close relationship with my sibling. For a moment, way back when, walls did begin to crumble, but now......... I choose my battles..... It's not a nice or comfortable choice, but I choose not to be a part of their selfishness.

Those sleepless nights.... Days..... After a visit to mum... After so long I can tell you.... It gets easier.... No idea how or why..... But it is easier.... Sometimes...

I guess it's when I'm stronger than the guilt monster.....

xxxxxxx
 

netsy22

Registered User
Oct 31, 2015
260
0
Brothers!

My neighbour said to me "sons are useless" before my mother got dementia and now I have to agree. My brother appreciates what I do but he lives 180 miles away. he has a wife, they both have busy careers, 2 teenage children and a dog, one stepchild and a very busy social life. Oh and they take at least 3 holidays a year. He has popped down 3 times in a year and his wife and kids once. My husband and I are retired and care for our 31 year old daughter with MLD so we are in a better position to care for mum!? (We brought her to live near us). But it's still annoying and unfair. Mum loves seeing him and is so grateful for a phone call it's sad.
However, just got to get on with it.
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
At the end of the day the only person you control is yourself. Its pointless trying to get selfish or cowardly siblings to change. Some people just do not have the emotional strength to do what we do each day, and we should pity them.

Maybe some day the guilt monsters will come knocking and then there will be nothing they can do. We live with the guilt monsters each day, but have the weapons to kills them. We do our best and our loved ones would not expect more if they could see it.

Do what you need to do for YOU. Let other do what they must or cant.
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
138,122
Messages
1,993,166
Members
89,785
Latest member
MonkeyFeet