Traumatic flashbacks

Crunchy

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Feb 21, 2016
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I wondered if anyone else feels like their brain needs a good hoovering after a parent with dementia has died?
I've been struggling to cope long distance with my parents' situation for many years as their mental and physical health declined, and failed to get my dad to sell up and move nearer to me while they still could. So every visit filled me with woe as their huge garden and house got even more delapidated and chaotic, and there were always arguments with my dad refusing to acknowledge he wasn't coping, and I felt bad secretly cleaning their fridge etc and insisting on cooking and changing sheets as I couldn't bear staying in those conditions. So much guilt.

Then over the last 18 months within weeks of us moving house and the week before I started my new job, I've had to get my mum into care, get my dad hospitalised, get social services involved when he got home, pick up the pieces when he dismissed them, get him sectioned, then finally get him into respite care. Then came the trauma and injury of physically clearing out their house, finding tons of secrets and squalor, to sell it for six months solid, taking over all their finances and household bills, cancelling all their scam purchases. Then moving them both near me, then visiting them all the time, and finding a new place for dad, and then him dying three weeks ago. It's been a non-stop traumatic to do list that will only settle once my executor duties are complete, and then only if my mum stays stable. Sorry what a rant, don't mean to sound self-pitying!

Anyway, so the funeral and scattering of ashes is done, was emotional but also lovely. It's just over three weeks since he died. Everyone says it's closure, I can move on.

But my brain is constantly replaying all the really difficult scenes from recent years. Things which at the time I felt no child should ever have to see, or have to battle with to get help for a parent. I feel sad I will never see my dad again, but that's the expected part of grief, and it's minor compared to this processing of all the horror I've been a witness to. I just want to move on, try to pick up the pieces of my life that have been put on hold, and be able to forget a lot of the last two years.

Does anyone else feel this, does it pass? X
 

LadyA

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Oct 19, 2009
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Ireland
I think gradually, you won't forget, but it will take its place. In the perspective of the whole of your life and all the memories of your dad, and growing up with your parents, the recent horrors will, in time, shuffle back to become one part of the whole picture - and not the largest part. But for now, it may need some help. Maybe by going over older photos of your childhood with your parents? Your dad when he was a bit younger and healthier? reviving happier memories, and talking about them can help enormously. You've been through a huge amount, and it's very traumatic. Three weeks? Move on?? You have a lot of grieving ahead yet. Allow yourself to take however long it takes - certainly give yourself a year at the least. The raw intensity of it will pass. And then when you think it's gone, some tiny, unexpected thing will set you off in a tailspin of grief again. Normal.
Be kind and gentle with yourself. Xx
 

Quilty

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Aug 28, 2014
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GLASGOW
I understand how you are feeling. I lost my dad to cancer and had nightmares and flashbacks for months. A friend suggested a happy photo of my dad when he looked really well. I looked at it a lotcand talked to it. It toom about 18 months but i eventually saw that picture in ky mind every time i thought of Dad. Grief is a hard thing. Be kind to yourself. Have you thought about talking to someone? I also did this.
 

Canadian Joanne

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Apr 8, 2005
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it is still so very early for you. I cannot imagine why people are talking about closure only 3 weeks after your father's death.

Grieving is a long, slow and very personal thing. It does get better, very gradually and you will hardly be aware of it. It's an ongoing process and no time frame can be put on it.
 

Crunchy

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Feb 21, 2016
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Thankyou for those comforting comments :) The nightmares are getting less frequent now at least, and the idea of the photos is a great one, I covered our downstairs doors with photos from my dad's life for the wake, and it was lovely hearing everyone's happy memories prompted by them.

I know for me that part of the horror is the anxiety that I may get dementia too, which I had come to terms with for quite a while and pushed out of my mind as unproductive negative thinking. But now my dad's story has ended and I've been immersed in planning his funeral and sorting his affairs, I keep catching myself getting anxious about how I must prepare for my own deterioration again. Silly isn't it, wasting life worrying about a future which may never happen, chastising myself, but not quite knowing what to do with myself now the landscape has changed. I just don't feel quite immersed in my own life yet, but on the outside I look back to normal. I'm sure a few more weeks of normal routine will sort me out ...
 

Quilty

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Aug 28, 2014
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GLASGOW
The best defense against dementia seems to be good food, not being over weight and being active. Maybe through yourself in that direction? It also makes you feel good - all those happy hormones!
 

Crunchy

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Feb 21, 2016
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I try to do all of those Quilty, have to be a good role model for my patients, but comfort eating has been high on my list the last few weeks I confess! X
 

LadyA

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Oct 19, 2009
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Ireland
I try to do all of those Quilty, have to be a good role model for my patients, but comfort eating has been high on my list the last few weeks I confess! X

"comfort " being the key word here. Right now, you can cut yourself some slack, and eat the comfort food. Right now, you need the comfort. My husband is seven months dead on Thursday and I still get times when I need some comfort food! But I do find that exercise - especially walking - has helped enormously. It seems to sort of balance the mind.
 

Quilty

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Aug 28, 2014
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GLASGOW
Hi Crunchy, rather than beat yourself up about comfort eating - which is my top crime too- why not focus on what you can do? Eat and extra piece of fruit a day, go for a walk or a swim? You can still eat the other stuff but its a positive thing in your day to focus on.

As my Gran used to say - look for the doughnut, not the hole!

We are all here to help keep you positive and keep you going. We would never criticise.
Love Quilty:)
 

LadyA

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Oct 19, 2009
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Ireland
Hi Crunchy, rather than beat yourself up about comfort eating - which is my top crime too- why not focus on what you can do? Eat and extra piece of fruit a day, go for a walk or a swim? You can still eat the other stuff but its a positive thing in your day to focus on.

As my Gran used to say - look for the doughnut, not the hole!

We are all here to help keep you positive and keep you going. We would never criticise.
Love Quilty:)

Doughnuts, Yay! Nomnomnom! It's that kind of day! Crunchy, Quilty - doughnut for you? ;)
 

Scarlett123

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Apr 30, 2013
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Essex
Sweetie, these are Very Early Days, and it would be a surprise if you didn't feel shell-shocked, and found yourself rewinding the past traumatic events, like a video, in your mind.

Grief is not like a cold, that you'll "get over" in a few days. Grief is the price we pay when someone we love deeply, is no longer here to share that love. Unless someone has lived through the events that you experienced, how can they know of the trauma, the pain and the heartache - they can't.

I can only speak of my own experience, but this time last year, I thought I would never stop crying, never smile, and certainly never laugh again. Read my thread and you'll see what my life is like now. :) Is it different? Definitely. Is it as good as being with my darling husband? Definitely not.

But I can now look back on happy times, and the horror and pain are becoming background players, in a hazy way, instead of the main focus of my memory. It helped me enormously to sort out my dozens of photo albums, and I laughed at some and cried at others.

I also kept cards from John, so I sorted them out too, and read those. It's very cathartic to write your feelings down, as you have here, and nobody thinks you're self pitying and we all relate to that horrible word "guilt".

Be kind to yourself. It doesn't matter really what you are doing, eating, not doing, etc, at this grieving time. I ate ridiculously last year, all the wrong things, or nothing at all but I've now lost 2 and a half stones, and feel great, and eat properly.

You've mentioned some history of things, and though I'm not suggesting for one moment, that you post it on here, it might help if you type it all up and get all your feelings down, and the things you witnessed - that you've probably kept bottled up for decades. Print it out, read it a few times, and then tear it up.

But, as I said at the beginning, these are very early days. I wish you well. :)
 

LeedsLass

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Oct 13, 2014
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Essex
Dear Crunchy what a terrible time you have had and how well you have dealt with it all. Just take some time for yourself now, life should be a bit easier. I think it's normal to have flashbacks, dreams/nightmares, replaying scenes in your head (or it is for me!). My beloved mum died in January & elderly dad lives over 200 miles away and the whole situation has been mentally & physically exhausting. And I worry that it might happen again with dad let alone myself! I just try and have some things to look forward to now. At least I can plan ahead a bit more. I am waiting for the grief to kick in as all I can feel is relief at the moment but I think Mothers Day will be hard. Take care now X


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Crunchy

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Feb 21, 2016
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Thank you so much for the support, have some loving hugs back xxx
I just feel flat and deeply exhausted, with no time or energy to do much except go to work, do housework, pop in and see my mum, and sleep. I think it's the backlash from having so much relentless responsibility for so long, something everyone on this forum feels I'm sure!
My poor other half is looking a bit fed up that I've lost my sparkle, and I feel bad about that too. Like you say, it's early days, still less than a week since we scattered my dad's ashes, I'm being a bit impatient I think. More than ever I know now how very short life is, too short to waste feeling deflated and unmotivated.
Can't wait to get stuck into some hardcore gardening if it ever stops raining, that will sort me out :)
Happy weekends everyone x
 

LadyA

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Oct 19, 2009
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Ireland
Thank you so much for the support, have some loving hugs back xxx
I just feel flat and deeply exhausted, with no time or energy to do much except go to work, do housework, pop in and see my mum, and sleep. I think it's the backlash from having so much relentless responsibility for so long, something everyone on this forum feels I'm sure!
My poor other half is looking a bit fed up that I've lost my sparkle, and I feel bad about that too. Like you say, it's early days, still less than a week since we scattered my dad's ashes, I'm being a bit impatient I think. More than ever I know now how very short life is, too short to waste feeling deflated and unmotivated.
Can't wait to get stuck into some hardcore gardening if it ever stops raining, that will sort me out :)
Happy weekends everyone x

I'm sure you will get your sparkle back, but tbh, you will never be exactly as you were before. The loss of our parents shifts the dynamics in our lives, and our view of the world and our place in it. Take your time. Maybe when you are rested, make a list of small goals, just so you can see where you are headed, and then maybe just so you have a ladder to climb, set one or two of those goals to be achieved each week. Not huge goals - mine were, initially, things like wash the floors, or tidy one cupboard or clean the fridge!
 

100 miles

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Apr 16, 2015
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My mum died very recently as well. I find it all very strange. In the time leading up to the funeral I felt as if I was moving forward...getting ready for the funeral.

After the funeral is different. A bit like that time after A levels when the test is over and you start thinking about whether you did the enough work at the right time. And whether you should have done something differently. I am trying to avoid spending too much time wondering about other courses of action that could have been taken. But it is difficult. I have also spent more time thinking about who my mum was before she got ill. Not always helpful as I miss my old mum.

And now we have to start on all the accursed, bone achingly boring tedium of sorting out the estate. Because everyone needs to learn new skills at a time of crisis. Our lives are clearly not busy enough. Big, big sigh.

To my mind, if you get dressed, go to work, return home, eat and manage to get some sleep - that is pretty much all you can ask of yourself. Plus - you are helping your mum. Almost too much to deal with, and yet you are. Congratulations on that achievement. No reasonable person would expect you to sparkle.

Like the early days of motherhood, being awake at the right time and getting dressed in mostly clean clothes is all we can hope for. (OK - I am a great believer in setting goals low enough to be attained.)

Big Hug

100 miles
 

LadyA

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Oct 19, 2009
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Ireland
My mum died very recently as well. I find it all very strange. In the time leading up to the funeral I felt as if I was moving forward...getting ready for the funeral.

After the funeral is different. A bit like that time after A levels when the test is over and you start thinking about whether you did the enough work at the right time. And whether you should have done something differently. I am trying to avoid spending too much time wondering about other courses of action that could have been taken. But it is difficult. I have also spent more time thinking about who my mum was before she got ill. Not always helpful as I miss my old mum.

And now we have to start on all the accursed, bone achingly boring tedium of sorting out the estate. Because everyone needs to learn new skills at a time of crisis. Our lives are clearly not busy enough. Big, big sigh.

To my mind, if you get dressed, go to work, return home, eat and manage to get some sleep - that is pretty much all you can ask of yourself. Plus - you are helping your mum. Almost too much to deal with, and yet you are. Congratulations on that achievement. No reasonable person would expect you to sparkle.

Like the early days of motherhood, being awake at the right time and getting dressed in mostly clean clothes is all we can hope for. (OK - I am a great believer in setting goals low enough to be attained.)

Big Hug

100 miles

You are absolutely right, 100 miles. At this point in your lives, (and I'm not terribly far ahead, having lost my husband last August), small goals are best. The time to conquer the world is not now. If you conquer the shower now and then - good! ;) I only work part time, just two mornings a week, and I don't mind admitting that in the early days after William died, on the mornings I didn't have to go anywhere, some days I just wore what I had on the previous day, and my hair didn't see a comb. And you know what? The sky didn't fall!
 

Crunchy

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Feb 21, 2016
43
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I hear you 100miles, and thanks for reminding me about setting achievable goals, I need to make my huge to-do list a bit more realistic! We had friends to stay this weekend which was a welcome break from sad stuff and a reminder that there is always more fun to be had in life if you make time for it.

Re the endless paperwork, anyone who says it's wonderful having admin to do after someone dies because it "takes your mind off it" deserves a virtual slap with a wet fish ;) ! I'd only just gone through the endless wrangles of dealing with my mums LPA duties, then my dad's three months later, then the selling of their house admin, and now the executor stuff. I reckon it has occupied the equivalent of two full working days every week of the last 18 months, more when I was clearing their house, which represents an awful lot of unpaid work when I had to go part time to deal with it.

I think I'm coming to terms with the haunting images of the last weeks with my father. I've seen many dead and dying people in my work, but when it's someone you love it is a huge shock and an image that will probably continue to cloud all the memories of his life before. I still hold memories of past dogs lying dead too, I guess it's the sad part of loving and loss, just natural, and hard to process as our society sweeps death under the carpet so successfully.