Heartbreaking decisions over parents

[MissDiane]

Mum and Dad married for 50 years this year. Both have dementia. Lived together but things were getting violent and they weren't coping.

Mum has been in residential care for 9 months now while dad has tried to adjust to living alone with carer's 3 times a day. He has found this incredibly heart breaking and I think this has affected his mental and physical health leading to his current hospital stay.

Mum has settled, and mum and dad would normally see each other 5 out of 7 days a week. Dad would travel by private transport to see mum. Mum's main difficulty is feeling lonely and wondering what she did wrong to end up in a home.

Dad is now in hospital (been 8 days now and could be many more) so they have been unable to see each other. He may be faced with a major operation which is high risk and his general health is poor. I don't think he will be able to live independently if and when he is discharged and he desperately wants to maintain his independence.

He doesn't want to be in a home with mum.dad is over friendly with carer's and this upsets mum so they row constantly and she wants to know where he is every second of the day. Since the separation things have improved massively and they look forward to seeing each other and their visits are generally very pleasant.

My issue is dad is in hospital and his physical and mental state is pretty poor. He is missing mum and feeling lost and worried he will go out of his mind as he can't cope with it all.

Mum would get very upset if she knew how bad dad was. I'm trying to protect her from it as much as I can because I know she will worry incessantly and become unsettled and it will affect her as she has night terrors when things are not going well. This can lead to aggression due to overtiredness and a whole other set of issues.

How do I help them to continue their relationship given the obstacles of dementia and ill-health.

Part of me wants to put them back together in their matrimonial home as I don't know how long they have got. But then I realise the dangers of doing so and remember all the reasons they had to be separated.

There is only me trying to sort all of this. My sister has been very ill but never cared before then anyway. I am finding it such a huge responsibility and no one to talk to.

Has anyone any suggestions on the best way to move forward?

 

[Bod]

Could Mums home take Dad for convalesce?
At least they'd be together, with Dads hope of future independance. (which may or may not happen)

Bod

 

[susy]

Is there another home nearby that could take your dad? Maybe that would help things better than them being together and your mum reacting once again.
I would keep on going with the love lies for your mum no matter what happens unless of course he gets better and he can come and see her again.
Obviously I don't know your parents but by what you are saying you may well find that she won't be able to handle any bad truth or process it properly so best to keep things light to keep her as happy as possible at all times.

Much love x

 

[fizzie]

While your Dad is in hospital can you take in some photos of your mum, perhaps doing some activities, just to reassure him that she is fine and doing fine and will be ok until he is discharged and if that settles him a bit then take in regular photos for him to see? Perhaps it will stop him fretting xxxxxxxxxx This must be so difficult for you, do take care of yourself in the midst of all this worry x

 

[Aitchbee]

I really feel for you in this heartbreaking situation. I don't have any advice apart from maybe contacting the Admiral Nursing helpline? I have contacted them before and they were very helpful and understanding 0800 888 6678.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi MissDiane
I wonder how big your mum's care home is - dad's home has 4 floors and each has it's own lounge and dining area so a resident on one floor need not be aware of a resident on another floor.
So I'm thinking, if your mum's home is in any way similar, your dad could take a room there but on a different floor, spend most of his time there and only visit your mum's floor for a specific time each day (or whenever he chooses), as if he didn't live there. So your mum need never know that his circumstances have changed - I'm sure the staff would support this and not tell her.

 

[Bessieb]

Hi MissDiane, I was wondering the same thing as Shedrech. I moved my parents into a CH in July (they both have AD). All was fine for a few months but my Mum has deteriorated and now doesn't always recognise my Dad. When she doesn't know him she is frightened and lashes out. So we're just arranging for them to have separate rooms one floor different in the CH. So they can be together when all is good....and separated when things are not good. The CH are very supportive. Do you think your Mum's CH might be open to this?

Really feel for you - I know what it's like trying to balance the needs of two parents who are both struggling.

 

[MissDiane]

Thank you everyone for your helpful replies. just having other peoples opinions helps enormously, to know there are others that understand how hard this all is.

The good news is dad is improving and we hope he will be discharged from hospital in the next couple of days to go back home. Then we'll see how it goes whether he can get back to how he was, visiting mum etc.

I think the photo's are a lovely idea thank you.

I have also often thought myself they could be in the same home but on different floors. This would involve moving mum as the home she is in is small and on one floor. But it is something to consider for the future.

Thank you all again for your support XX