Please help me rehearse what to say to my mum

[josephinewilson]

So on Friday a lady from a nice residential care home I have visited is coming to assess my mother. If my mother is deemed suitable then she can have a trial stay in this home. As discussed on other threads, with her rapidly deteriorating vascular dementia, it is felt to be the best thing for her, and this is a lovely care home.
But.. she has no idea I am planning this and how do I break the visit of this lady to my mum? I do go away abroad for work at times (last week in Japan for example) and my mum has a vague idea of this, so I thought:


I'm going away for work to the USA soon and so a lady's coming to see you tomorrow -with me - to see what sort of food you like and what things you like to do, because she says you could stay at the place she works at while I am away, to make sure you're eating properly and looked after at night.

And then what do I reply when my mum says "But I am perfectly OK staying here with the girls who come to visit me"
?
Of course, my mum might just look vaguely as she often does but I know she understands about care homes because every time I take her out, we drive past a care home that is currently being built and she informs me there's now way she would want to go into one of those places - they're all gaga

 

[CollegeGirl]

Could you say that the girls who come to visit her are going on holiday?

 

[Quizbunny]

Could you also throw in something along the line of the roof/plumbing/electrics need some repairs and this will be happening at the same time. When my mum went into care my sister and I were telling her over and over that this was now her home and she was very upset about it. The experienced staff told us not to upset her in this way but to tell "love lies" and we invented a leaky roof. After a while, quite a long while actually, mum stopped asking when she was going home.

 

[Pegsdaughter]

I think the girls not being around when you need to go away for work could be the way to go especially if you could brief them about mum having to go into a home etc so when she next talks to them they are prepared


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[canary]

I know someone who told their mum that she had won a competition. The prize was a holiday in a lovely hotel

 

[The Chewtor]

you guys as carers are all so very clever and inventive. when I finally, hopefully long time yet, get to the point of not knowing for sure what is going on, I will remember all these things I read and not believe a word anyone around me says LOL!

wayne

 

[Katrine]

A PWD cannot process too many variables and it may make her anxious just trying to understand what's going on. Keep it simple.

"A lady is coming to see us tomorrow about care support.

We can tell her what sort of food you like and what things you like to do.

When I go abroad for work I want to know that you are being really well looked after."

Focus on the comfort and company aspects for her. Don't present this as a big change to circumstances. There's no real need to describe it as 'residential care'. It's just an extension of her current care, but with less time to be on her own.

Once she's been assessed you can discuss with the CH how you will arrange the trial stay. You may choose to arrange her first visit for a time when you are not going abroad. If it was me, I would want to be on hand to field phone calls and bring in forgotten personal items, rather than worrying about her from far away.

 

[mancmum]

Acknowledge that she çould manage

We turned it around and said...I know you could manage but it would give me peace of mind while I'm abroad ..at work or on holiday. This let him accept ...which deepbdown was what he wanted to do because he knows he couldn't manage

 

[josephinewilson]

Thanks. I'll rephrase my wording carefully. (I am not actually going abroad for a few months; this was just my "love lie" to ease her into the transition) We'll see how it goes.

 

[Bod]

A PWD cannot process too many variables and it may make her anxious just trying to understand what's going on. Keep it simple.

"A lady is coming to see us tomorrow about care support.

We can tell her what sort of food you like and what things you like to do.

When I go abroad for work I want to know that you are being really well looked after."

Focus on the comfort and company aspects for her. Don't present this as a big change to circumstances. There's no real need to describe it as 'residential care'. It's just an extension of her current care, but with less time to be on her own.

Once she's been assessed you can discuss with the CH how you will arrange the trial stay. You may choose to arrange her first visit for a time when you are not going abroad. If it was me, I would want to be on hand to field phone calls and bring in forgotten personal items, rather than worrying about her from far away.

Best idea!
Keep it simple, and close to the truth (but not the whole truth) then you don't get caught out.

Bod

 

[MimoMilo]

Definetly say the carers are going away and possibly the heating needs a service. Just say it's out of your hands, not your decision? Keep the conversation short and sweet. The lady doing the assessment will probably use tact anyway. I don't think any of our relatives in a CH would go there off their own accord.
If it's any help, I went through this beginning of January. Now two months on I'm at the stage of selling the property and making the CH a permanent move. It's not easy but I am looking forward to a nice summer, visiting mum in a safe environment.
Hope it goes well xx

 

[Aisling]

Thanks. I'll rephrase my wording carefully. (I am not actually going abroad for a few months; this was just my "love lie" to ease her into the transition) We'll see how it goes.

Keep it simple Josephine. I hope it goes well for you. Aisling

 

[MimoMilo]

Hoping it all goes well tomorrow, fingers crossed xx

 

[Witzend]

Could you also throw in something along the line of the roof/plumbing/electrics need some repairs and this will be happening at the same time. When my mum went into care my sister and I were telling her over and over that this was now her home and she was very upset about it. The experienced staff told us not to upset her in this way but to tell "love lies" and we invented a leaky roof. After a while, quite a long while actually, mum stopped asking when she was going home.

Just the opposite here - I was telling love lies, while the staff said I should be telling her 'this is your home now'. The CH was very good but in this instance I did not think they were right. She apparently accepted it if they said it, but if I did, she would be very upset/angry. And given that she forgot whatever anyone said so quickly anyway, I thought it kinder to say whatever was least upsetting.

My 'love lie' was that I was looking for a nice little flat for her, just down the road from me. 'And as soon as I find a really nice one, we'll go and have a look together.' Since she had always been an inveterate 'mover' and had often talked of 'a little flat', this worked for her - until she stopped asking. She never once remembered that I'd said the same before. I think this is often the biggest worry once you start the love lies - they'll rumble you and be even more upset or angry - but neither my FIL nor my mother ever did.