End of life decision

helenemartin

Registered User
Mar 6, 2008
9
0
stamford,lincs
Hi to everybody.

My wife H is now sleeping most of the time 24/7. When her eyes are open they are just blank. She has yet another chest infection. The Doctor and nurse don’t hold out much hope of a recovery, think I may agree with them. My dilemma is her food and drink.
We are doing all that we can to help her with food and drink but it causes so much distress. It will either dribble out of her mouth or induce a coughing bout. We haven’t tried to give her and food or drink in the last 12 hours and she looks peaceful. So do I stop trying or continue in the hope H will recovery?
Any advice please.
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,054
0
77
Colchester
Helenemartin

Hi to everybody.

My wife H is now sleeping most of the time 24/7. When her eyes are open they are just blank. She has yet another chest infection. The Doctor and nurse don’t hold out much hope of a recovery, think I may agree with them. My dilemma is her food and drink.
We are doing all that we can to help her with food and drink but it causes so much distress. It will either dribble out of her mouth or induce a coughing bout. We haven’t tried to give her and food or drink in the last 12 hours and she looks peaceful. So do I stop trying or continue in the hope H will recovery?
Any advice please.

I feel everyhing that you are going through. I think you have answered your own question. If your wife is not willing to swallow then she has the right to be able to go in peace. You cannot prolong life forever. It doesn't sound as if she has a life anymore. Please just hold her hand, she knows you are there, and let her go. I went through this with my mum last year. She died in a nursing home and we had already signed papers to say that we didn't want her life prolonged for no good reason. We knew that mum wouldn't want like to linger on. So make the most of your last few hours. She will hear you and feel you. You do not have to give up hope completely. But be prepared.Love to you. Hugs.x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,455
0
Kent
My husband got to the stage where he just didn`t want anything and we let him be. He was also getting infection on top of infection and the antibiotics were ineffective.

We kept his mouth moist , sat with him and allowed him to go.

My sympathy to you HM. It`s a very sad time.
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,712
0
North West
I feel for you at this difficult time. I have no direct experience to offer. Others on TP have sometimes found that even in the most unlikely situations people can sometimes rally though usually only briefly. But it would seem that your understandable efforts to keep her going were not helping and now that you have stopped she looks peaceful. I hope she remains peaceful and that this will bring you some comfort.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,725
0
This is a difficult decision and only you know what your wife would want. We stopped all intake of any food or drink and just kept her comfortable with mouth care - slightly wet sponge. Any intake prolongs life. She died within 24 hours of the final decision. It was really hard but I knew it was what she wanted - a peaceful, dignified death with family (me) by her side. My thoughts are with you.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
At the end of life the body starts shutting down and food and drink cannot be processed (it can sometimes even cause pain), so I think that what you are doing is right.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
John was like this before he died. I would try to coax him to have a few teaspoons of pureed food, but he didn't want it. It's so hard for you, and my thoughts are with you at this terribly difficult time.
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,804
0
Ireland
Hi to everybody.

My wife H is now sleeping most of the time 24/7. When her eyes are open they are just blank. She has yet another chest infection. The Doctor and nurse don’t hold out much hope of a recovery, think I may agree with them. My dilemma is her food and drink.
We are doing all that we can to help her with food and drink but it causes so much distress. It will either dribble out of her mouth or induce a coughing bout. We haven’t tried to give her and food or drink in the last 12 hours and she looks peaceful. So do I stop trying or continue in the hope H will recovery?
Any advice please.

Check with doctor if it is ok to just moisten her lips. You are doing everything you can. I think you should not worry about food and drink now.

It is a dreadful time for you and my heart goes to you. I may be wrong but I think the person can hear us talking even if she can't respond. I was sure my brother heard me talking to him and at one stage I knew that I could only be with him and tell him in my mind that it was ok for him to leave us.

Huge support going out to you.

Aisling
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Check with doctor if it is ok to just moisten her lips. You are doing everything you can. I think you should not worry about food and drink now.

It is a dreadful time for you and my heart goes to you. I may be wrong but I think the person can hear us talking even if she can't respond. I was sure my brother heard me talking to him and at one stage I knew that I could only be with him and tell him in my mind that it was ok for him to leave us.

Huge support going out to you.

Aisling

When my Mum was dying, the doctor told me that hearing is the last sense that goes.
 

Frank68

Registered User
Jan 28, 2013
96
0
South Coast
Hi Helenemartin,

A lot of good thoughts and advice above. I would just like to emphasise Scarlett's words about hearing. Even when a person appears to be unconscious they may still be able to hear - and take in - what is being said. So please do talk to your beloved H, say aloud what is in your heart. It may well be of comfort to her, and also to you.

May she depart in peace.

Frank
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
A very hard time for you. At this stage, I would go with whatever gives your wife most peace. Thinking of you. I know how difficult it is to keep this vigil, as do so many others here, so you are not alone.
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,486
0
East Coast of Australia
Just make sure she is warm, dry, comfortable, we did introduce some soft music for Mum as she was a musician and loved music. Apart from I was there a lot of the time and saw that the staff were vigilant and attentive to her needs. As some have said do not worry about food, the body can no longer process it, just a sip of water, a moisture stick for the lips, whatever will keep her comfortable and give her comfort.
 

Crag

Registered User
Jan 3, 2015
76
0
Hi Helen
I am in exactly the same position, so feel for you right now. Last night I thought I was improving things for Dad as I was able to give him liquids, and his mouth signalled wanting. He looked more comfortable after. He did cough too, but looser than it had been. He also spoke a few words which I couldn't make out, but they sounded in some way positive.
I got my hopes up that we may have turned a corner, but today we've been told that he is at End Of Life, and am just on my way back to him, whether I can make a difference again.

Thinking of you and your family at this time


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
138,152
Messages
1,993,511
Members
89,813
Latest member
Sharonmatthews1976