Advice and help needed please!

[MrsChristmas]

Hello again

Please can I ask for some guidance and advice from you lovely people, if you have a moment to spare.

My mother is 90 and I believe that she is in the early/moderate stages of Alzheimers/dementia. She lives on her own next door to me, her daughter. Mum refuses to be diagnosed by her GP/memory clinic and is fiercely independent. She will accept loads of help from me and would let me do everything for her if I let her. I have a brother who lives miles away who comes and helps every few months. Mum is also a little paranoid, suspicious and nervous and has an irrational fear of those in authority, particularly doctors. Basically, she wants to be left completely alone and to call on help when she needs it. I have been helping mum since my father passed away 3 years ago. Now that mum is not well it is becoming quite a burden for me to cope with on my own.

Mum has been diagnosed with Glaucoma and has been given eye drops to take every day. She is very frail but is very fit for her age. She does not drive any more (I shopped her to the DVLA although she has forgotten about that now). I take her food shopping every week. I am not sure what she eats but all I see her eating is cake and biscuits.

My brother and me have an LPA in place and are just waiting for the certificate.

My brother is very reluctant to get involved and is of the mind that she has not been diagnosed with alzheimers, that there is no real evidence (he only sees her every few months!) and that whilst she has 'mental capacity' and can refuse medical help/support then we are to leave her alone to do as she wants. He agrees that this is a brutal approach but he cannot see any other action that we can take. He says that the only time that we can step in and interfere is when it is obvious that she cannot cope.

My brother has been taking care of mum's finances and tries to do as much as he can when he visits her for a few hours every few months.

So many things have happened over the past few months that makes it obvious that mum is failing but my brother just does not want/can't see it and when I tell him about it he says that as she has capacity there is nothing we can do and we cannot make her go to the hospital to get assessed.

I have been in contact with social care but they say that until there is a crisis or mum is diagnosed with dementia then there is nothing they can do. They have offered to come and assess Mum but we know that she would not let them in and would have a fit and turn on me or my brother and blame us. She can be very hurtful as I have found out in the past to my cost.

Mum is convinced that 'everyone is going behind my back' and can be obstructive and secretive. When she gets post she just shoves it in a draw because she cannot face up to things.

Mum has locked her debit card because she cannot remember her pin no and my brother has organised another one to be sent to her but she has lost it. I am now worried that when I take her shopping she will not be able to pay for it. This week I got her shopping for her and she gave me £40 cash towards it because that was all she had in her purse.

Mum's garden is now getting overgrown and she wants me to organise a gardener for her and that she will pay me. I am reluctant to do this because when I ask her for money she never has any. She already owes me money for shopping. Most of the time she forgets anyway that she owes me money. I organise for her to have a paper every day so that she know the date and I pay that for her and try to get the money back later.

I have mentioned the problem with the garden to my brother but he says that it is mum's garden and tells me 'to let it grow up to the windowsill' I tell him that the neighbours might complain and he has told me to tell the neighbours that 'it's mum's lawn'. However, he has been sorting out the LPA in the hope of trying to persuade mum to let my brother and me have access to some money to pay for a cleaner, gardener and handyman for mum. However, my brother says that if mum doesn't agree, then there is not much we can do about it.

I am not sure that mum can write cheques now and I am really worried about her eyesight because she cannot read very well and she says her left eye is blurred and her eyes hurt sometimes. It could be her Glaucoma or Alz. She has been given eye drops but she forgets to take them although my brother and me constantly remind her.

We have tried to speaking to mum's GP but mum has threatened to change her GP because she does not like her current one. I have managed to find out the name of mum's optical consultant's secretary from mum's GP to find out when mum's next appointment is. I took mum to hospital last week to see her consultant but when we got there the appointment had been cancelled due to 'patient illness'. Another appointment has been made for 4 May but I can't go to this and so I have had to ask my brother who is not very happy about this. He has contacted mum's consultant to find out why the appointment was cancelled and apparently mum had done it but we don't know why.

I saw mum today to try and find out whether she has received the LPA certificate from the solicitors, has she received the new pin number from her bank so that we can change it so that she can use her debit card and to check if she is still taking her eye drops. Mum had no idea what I was talking about. I told her that I could not take her to her appointment in May for her eyes and that my brother was going to do it. Mum refused this saying that she didn't want him to take her and that she would go on her own.

So, there is no LPA certificate for my brother to ask mum to agree for us to have access to her funds, it is unlikely that she will remember to go to hospital in May and she cannot use her debit card to get money for food.

Tomorrow, after I have taken mum shopping, I have to help mum contact her solicitor to find out where the LPA certificate is and then let my brother know. I then will have to wait for my brother to next visit to persuade mum to allow access to her money to pay for things like food, gardening, cleaning ect.

To be honest, I am really fed up and I don't know what to do.

I am going away this weekend and frankly I can't wait! I am sure mum will be fine because she will have enough food to live on but I am worried that this will all collapse one day and land firmly on my shoulders.

Has anyone any advice, ideas....?

If you havn't then thank you for taking the time to read this.

I don't have enough money to pay for things for myself, let alone for mum too. The stupid thing is she has a vast amount of savings but won't let anyone have access because she doesn't trust anyone. My brother won't put his hand in his pocket to help either.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi MrsChristmas
You may well be waiting for some crisis before anything moves on
however
I just wonder if this is your 'in'

she wants me to organise a gardener for her and that she will pay me

maybe try telling her that you'll happily organise a gardener and her shopping but it's really awkward for you to be dealing with cash all the time, and it's not good to be paying people in cash so would she please set up a direct debit into a shared account so that you can write cheques from it - set up a joint account in both your names with only an agreed amount going in each month, then use it only for your mum's affairs, keeping receipts and careful accounts so that you can prove where all the monies out go
I appreciate that if she's incredibly suspicious she may not agree
you really shouldn't, though, be paying her bills - and even when the LPA is sorted, if she has capacity you can still only do what she agrees to, it's not of itself a way to take over her affairs
best wishes

 

[Kevinl]

Hi Mrs Christmas.
I'm slightly confused, at the beginning you say "My brother and me have an LPA in place and are just waiting for the certificate." then later you say "So, there is no LPA certificate for my brother to ask mum to agree for us to have access to her funds" so do you have an LPA but it's not registered?
If you have an unregisterd LPA then the first link is where you can download the forms, print them of and sign then post them off.

If you don't have an LPA then go to the second link whereyou can do the LPA on-line although you do have to print out the bit the attorney and witness have to sign and post it to them.
Once done that you have to register it which takes about 10 weeks so all in you're probably looking at 3 months in total.

Short term on the money front could either you or your brother take out a credit card and use this to pay her bills, make the minimum payment each month and when the LPA is sorted use her money to pay off the balance and pay back anything else she owes you. I'm not over fond of credit cards but they do have their uses sometimes.
K

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/make-lasting-power

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/register

 

[MrsChristmas]

My heart goes out to you Mrs Christmas. Like you, I was the sole support (and still am) for my mum, before she was diagnosed with dementia 8 years ago. For at least 2 years prior to that I found myself dealing with situations daily, like your own, with the suspicion that Mum had dementia. Like your Mum, mine was fiercely independent, except that she would have me 24 hrs a day doing everything for her. I was working full-time also and in the end, I had to tell her that I thought something was wrong with her memory and that I could not cope with the burden or the worry of it any longer on my own and would she please come with me to see her doctor. After a horrible and upsetting few hours worth of conversation she agreed to go. That day, she passed the standard memory test with flying colours!! (which just shows how useful that test is!). Luckily, her GP was lovely, took my concerns to heart and arranged a brain scan for my Mum. This showed without any doubt that she was, as I had feared, suffering from small vessel disease, vascular dementia. Even though Mum had the diagnosis she then refused to acknowledge it for many years. However, the diagnosis is absolutely vital for you to enable you to get further help for your Mum and you must be guided by your gut instincts in the end, which is how it was for me. Once you have that medical diagnosis, you can get an assessment carried out for her and a carer's assessment for you, both via Social Services. It will also help with claiming attendance allowance. I now care full-time, living with my Mum who is unable to be left alone and thank goodness, was able to obtain an LPA a few months ago before Mum lost mental capacity. Your brother is right in that you can not force your Mum to do anything, however it seems to me that she could not cope at all without your help and maybe it is time for you to explain how badly it is impacting on you and worrying you. Just maybe, like my Mum, that will upset her enough that she will do something about it so that you can get further help for her. Wishing you strength and courage MrsChristmas.

Hello

Thank you for your reply and for taking the time to respond.

I will be giving what you have said some thought and will try and summon the strenght to speak to mum although I know it will be difficult. I have emailed my brother for his support in this but I am still waiting for a reply.

Thank you once again for your kindness it is just so hard at the moment, like walking through treacle!

xxx

 

[MrsChristmas]

Hi MrsChristmas
You may well be waiting for some crisis before anything moves on
however
I just wonder if this is your 'in'

maybe try telling her that you'll happily organise a gardener and her shopping but it's really awkward for you to be dealing with cash all the time, and it's not good to be paying people in cash so would she please set up a direct debit into a shared account so that you can write cheques from it - set up a joint account in both your names with only an agreed amount going in each month, then use it only for your mum's affairs, keeping receipts and careful accounts so that you can prove where all the monies out go
I appreciate that if she's incredibly suspicious she may not agree
you really shouldn't, though, be paying her bills - and even when the LPA is sorted, if she has capacity you can still only do what she agrees to, it's not of itself a way to take over her affairs
best wishes

Hello Shedrech

Thank you for your kind advice, it is much appreciated and you are right of course. Mum and me have always had a lose relationship with money but it has to stop now. The next time the money issue comes up I will suggest what you have said but I think you are right too on that score. Mum will not agree because she wants to remain in complete control of her money and dole out the odd amount as she thinks fit. The problem is that mum is so out of touch on how much things cost and thinks £20 covers everything! This is where it becomes difficult for me though. If she refuses to set up an account with us how do I solve the problem if she wants me to shop for her or organise anything financial? I suppose I must refuse and say that unless she gives me the money up front I can't do it.

It is a real problem which I know is not going to get any better. The hardest thing is that she lives next door to me and I am the first person she turns to.

What would you do Shredech if she refuses the suggestion of setting up a joint account with a direct debit? Should I refuse to do anything for her that involves finances? I am not being sarcastic just wanting answers!

Thank you very much for your help and advice.

Ms Christmas

 

[MrsChristmas]

Hi Mrs Christmas.
I'm slightly confused, at the beginning you say "My brother and me have an LPA in place and are just waiting for the certificate." then later you say "So, there is no LPA certificate for my brother to ask mum to agree for us to have access to her funds" so do you have an LPA but it's not registered?
If you have an unregisterd LPA then the first link is where you can download the forms, print them of and sign then post them off.

If you don't have an LPA then go to the second link whereyou can do the LPA on-line although you do have to print out the bit the attorney and witness have to sign and post it to them.
Once done that you have to register it which takes about 10 weeks so all in you're probably looking at 3 months in total.

Short term on the money front could either you or your brother take out a credit card and use this to pay her bills, make the minimum payment each month and when the LPA is sorted use her money to pay off the balance and pay back anything else she owes you. I'm not over fond of credit cards but they do have their uses sometimes.
K

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/make-lasting-power

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/register

Hello KevinI

Thank you very much for sparing the time to respond to my post, it is very much appreciated.

I am sorry if I didn't make myself clear earlier about the LPA. To be honest I don't know much about the LPA's set up because my brother dealt with it all. I was given the job by my brother (as he lives miles away) of ascertaining if the certificate had been sent to mum and if it hadn't to ask mum (with my help) to contact the solicitor - which I know she will be reluctant to do - to find out where it is. I get the impression from my brother that once the certificate arrives then my brother will discuss with mum about setting up finances to pay for things like gardeners, handyman and a cleaner. However, there is not 'plan b' in place if she refuses to co-operate and my brother seems very reluctant to challenge mum on the capacity issue because she refuses to be diagnosed. It is very easy for him to be detached because he lives far away and it is me who mum turns to for help which involves paying for things like a gardener, shopping and so on. That's where the crux of the problem lies, The more mum cannot face things the more it impacts on me. Mum does not drive any more (I shopped her to the DVLA which caused no end of bitterness) and so I take her food shopping every week but there is always a problem at the till because she cannot either remember her pin number, or she doesn't have the cash to pay. I am always sweating buckets, thinking that I am going to pay for both her food and mine and I worry that mum won't have food to eat. At the moment her debit card is locked and she has lost the pin number from her bank and I am taking her to card machines to get money out on her credit card (she can remember the pin for that) or she is using that at the store till. However, there will come a time when she can't remember her pin for her credit card and there will be a problem

I have emailed my brother with my concerns and have suggested that we both talk to mum together about getting a diagnosis and sorting the way forward where finances are concerned. I will suggest the idea of a credit card to my brother until the LPA is sorted and see what he says.

However, I now realise how silly I have been where mum and money is concerned and I should now set some boundaries. I will not arrange or do anything for mum until I have received the cash up front from now on.

Thank you very much for your help and advice, it is very kind of you to take the time to read and reply.

MrsCrhistmas

 

[Pickles53]

However, I now realise how silly I have been where mum and money is concerned and I should now set some boundaries. I will not arrange or do anything for mum until I have received the cash up front from now on.

Not silly at all, it's so easy to get caught up in trying to solve the latest problem that you don't have time to step back and see what's happening. But you are dead right, you should absolutely not be subsidising your mum financially. You may find that if you take a stand she will be more co-operative. Keep a record too of what you have already spent as much as you can in preparation for reimbursement from mum's account once LPA is sorted and registered. Until it is, any bills not on direct debit should be left. Inform the creditors of the situation (in writing) and that they will simply have to wait.

Regarding forgetting the PIN at the till...I'm going to be sneaky now and I know it's not strictly legal but...in the very short term, any chance you could get a glimpse at the PIN when she enters it so you could 'remind' her in an emergency?

 

[Shedrech]

Morning MrsChristmas
I wholly understand your frustration, and hope you have some hair left as you must be pulling it out in handfuls
Is there any way you can intercept or read the letter which tells her the new PIN for her card so that when she forgets it, you do know it and can key it in for her - not ideal in legal terms, I know, however you need a practical way to deal with the situation. And get to know her credit card PIN too.
I know this sounds awful, but you are going to have to be underhand - I was lucky as dad allowed me, indeed wanted me to help him out - but I had already started to 'happen to catch sight of' his letters etc, so I knew what was happening. If your mum puts her post away, I'm afraid I'd be opening it and making sure there's nothing untoward there or urgent - if she just hides things and doesn't go through them, you may be lucky and she may not realise what you are doing.
Is there any way you can arrange a home visit from the Memory Clinic? Again, not ideal, but if she really won't go to an appointment, she may be a little more accepting of a 'friend' of yours coming for a chat?
Sorry - in a bit of a rush
best wishes

 

[Mrsbusy]

Hope I don't sound too harsh but firstly introduce your brother to a telephone or email. Why should you have to locate anything! He is as capable has opinions on what you should and shouldn't do. No sorry, brother get off your butt and sort something out yourself instead of leaving sister to do it all.

You are doing enough on a daily basis with your mother without him adding to things, so let him worry and sort that one out. In respect of money have you applied for attendance allowance for your mother? If she, which she will, receives this then you can apply for Carers allowance for yourself which although only £61 it may help you. I have an account with my Mum for her attendance allowance in both our names so if I get shopping etc I use her debit card, we both have one, not my funds. Even pays for petrol to hospital visits as I can't afford this. Look into this if you haven't already.

I think you need to try and change your mindset. Instead of asking your Mum for example, shall I arrange for a gardener, which is what we do when we are younger, I'm afraid now you have to say, I've arranged for a gardener who is coming on whatever day and we will see what you think of it once it's done. You are now having to take control, instead of like all of us until we got put in this position letting our parents still be in charge etc.

If your mother has locked her PIN number on the card, you can when you find the card put it in the machine and request pin services, maybe under other, and out in the original PIN number to unlock it. If you can't remember it then order another PIN number. Try to get to the postbefore she does and open the PIN number letter, usual bank envelope usually says private and confidential. Can you arrange for her post to come to you by getting it redirected? If she doesn't read the newspaper you get and she only needs it for the date get her a clock that states the date as well, digital ones available cheaply on Amazon. Some say the day as well.

In respect of the LPA I think you can use it with her oermission once it's registered, or if you decide to without her permission. Not very well explained I'm afraid but if she was unconscious she couldn't give you permission could she? So as long as it's registered I think you can make it effective which may help you open an account jointly without her being there. Ask you bank and they will clarify.

If you do apply for attendance allowance please do so quickly, as the government are stopping this benefit soon for new claimants, help to fill in form can be from Age uk or citizens advice.

Good luck, and look after you too.