Introducing the subject of moving to a home

[josephinewilson]

My mother is 86, vascular dementia, 3 care visits a day to her sheltered accommodation. She's lived there for 8 years well before this developed, and is happy there and the staff are very good. But they have concerns that she needs more care as she is wandering around at night (no sense of day or night) and they fear she'll go out at night in the dark, and also she can't remember how to make her own food or drink.
I've been researching residential care homes and am visiting a recommended one next week. They say if I like it, they can come and assess my mother and take it from there. BUT - how do others on here raise the subject with their parent? She will see no reason to move, even if I say people are concerned she might go out at night in danger - she will just look at me vaguely, or else promise not to - or deny she ever does, etc etc.
What do I say if a lady from the care home does come to visit her for an assessment? How do I introduce her?
I've read that some people say it is just temporary - a short stay at this new place while your other place is being decorated or something. That seems underhand but are lies acceptable in these cases?
I have applied for Power of Attorney Health, so I will be able to get her into a home without her agreement but obviously I don't want her to go dragging and screaming.

 

[marionq]

I would definitely tell her that you're going to try it out as a convalescence or short holiday to see how she likes it. Why upset her when she can't remember what you tell her for long enough to discuss it sensibly. Once she is in there you can judge whether or not it is right for her. You can't make her well again but you can make her safe.

 

[nitram]

"What do I say if a lady from the care home does come to visit her for an assessment? How do I introduce her?"

Ask if the assessor will play along with the 'story' that your mother has won a prize for a short residential holiday.

 

[canary]

Dont worry about being underhand. When they wont accept the truth its the only way. They are usually known as "love lies" on here as they are things you have to say to keep them safe because you love them.

 

[elizabet]

Does your Mother have other health issues? If so it may be possible to say that Her Doctor wants her to go for a short rest to build up her strength. I could do this with my Mum as she had developed leg ulcers and needed the nurse to change the bandages etc . I still did not like telling lies to my Mum but once in her care home she was safe , had her heart pills regularly and had regular meals. In her own house she was forgetting to eat and I was really concerned about her . Once in her care home the weight of worry about her rolled off my shoulders and I could enjoy time with her.
hope this helps a bit.
Elizabeth

 

[josephinewilson]

"Love lies" I like it! Although she doesn't have other health issues she is very very thin - 5 stone 13 at the last weigh in because she can no longer feed herself and just doesn't seem to be eating. I think I might say she is going for a short break to help her put on a bit of weight (even though she always tells me she eats loads and has a great appetite) Thanks everyone for your comments. I won't worry about not being entirely honest.

 

[carlton ann]

We are moving mum into a home, we are selling it to her on the basis we need a rest as we are her only carers and whilst that happens she is going on holiday to a hotel. She went and saw the outside of the home today and saw crocuses so we will now start to talk flowers. They are due to assess her next Thursday, haven't thought of why they will be in her house yet.

 

[rosieh]

Does your mum live in a flat/apartment or house/bungalow? Our mum is in a McCarthy and Stone flat - she constantly tells us she hates it there as nobody comes in to see her. (She has 3x a day carer visits and family visiting pretty much every day, and we have a companion going in 3 days a week for 3 hours).

She is not settled there at all now, mainly at night, but increasingly during the day she's wandering up and down in the lift. We are in the process of trying a respite stay in a local CH as she is at the point of needing 24/7 care (mainly due to wandering).

I've positioned it with her as "a smaller flat where she'll have her own room and bathroom, but won't need a kitchen as there are cooks there who'll make everything for her. And then when she's fed up on her own, she can go out and sit with other people".

I'm not sure how she'll take it when we go to start the respite. She's been for lunch and a look around and seemed to like it but became very apprehensive when we mentioned having a little holiday there to see what she thought. I guess the thought of walking into a place as a new person is quite daunting at 77, especially for somebody with dementia.

I should point out that the CH actually did the assessment after lunch, in a nice conservatory, with my sister and I going through the forms. Mum was present, but just looked at all the paper work and said "Oh I don't think I'm going to get this job, am I?"

That might be a better option than somebody coming to your mum's home?

 

[MimoMilo]

Just been through a similar situation. We arranged for mum to have respite for 4 weeks at ch. told mum medical people were arranging a little break for her. Mum forgot all about the assessment. Mum is a night wanderer. The nurse who came to assess mum asked her how she feels when she wanders at night, scared, cold, confused etc and gently said to her " well if you wander at night whilst staying with us, come and haves cuppa and a chat" mums face relaxed at that comment, maybe ask them to re assure her that night wandering will be safe there.
On the day mum had forgot. Took it gently " remember your little break mum, it's come at the right time, it's cold outside etc.
Felt guilty as mum actually thanked me once she was in her lovely room.
It's now a permanent move, no mental capacity, other health issues. When mum says she is ready to leave we say " when you are better, it's not up to us" and change conversation. I feel the next few months will be hard, never know how they are feeling. Mum does have some friends there and surely that's better than a solitary life. The decision we have made is better that coming to harm with wandering. Thoughts with you xxxx

 

[josephinewilson]

Thanks again

Thanks again for the further comments to my initial question. I had a nice long chat with the manager of the sheltered accommodation my mother currently lives in (and is happy in ) yesterday and while he didn't actually say she has to go - the implication is that they can no longer meet her needs. He cited the one instance a few weeks ago when she was found wandering by a male visitor who then took her back to her flat to ring me up - very kind but she totally shouldn't have let a stranger into her flat -security issues etc..
But the manager said something which surprised me - I said when the time comes we'll put it gently to her, "love lie", about a mini holiday, trial period, short break, whatever, and he said that, although that is one way of presenting the move, there was another way ,which was to be up front and honest, explaining she can no longer stay in the sheltered accommodation as she can no longer live independently. He said he prefers this as it is honest but appreciates it can cause upset. Hmm..

 

[jaymor]

Let's hope he is never in your position then.

Telling someone with dementia something that will upset them leaves them feeling upset. They forget the reason why they are upset but the emotion stays with them. So they are upset but don't know why which can then lead to anxiety and agitation thus making a bad job worse.

 

[fizzie]

Thanks again for the further comments to my initial question. I had a nice long chat with the manager of the sheltered accommodation my mother currently lives in (and is happy in ) yesterday and while he didn't actually say she has to go - the implication is that they can no longer meet her needs. He cited the one instance a few weeks ago when she was found wandering by a male visitor who then took her back to her flat to ring me up - very kind but she totally shouldn't have let a stranger into her flat -security issues etc..
But the manager said something which surprised me - I said when the time comes we'll put it gently to her, "love lie", about a mini holiday, trial period, short break, whatever, and he said that, although that is one way of presenting the move, there was another way ,which was to be up front and honest, explaining she can no longer stay in the sheltered accommodation as she can no longer live independently. He said he prefers this as it is honest but appreciates it can cause upset. Hmm..

That used to be the attitude - tell people the absolute truth at all times no matter how many times you have to repeat it and it doesn't matter how much you upset them, you must be honest. My SiL subscribes to that theory and has done throughout her life and she doesn't have many friends lol. I think that the general opinion now is that it is not sensible to cause unnecessary upset to people with dementia if it doesn't achieve anything and mostly it doesn't because the upset just repeats itself. You may have to gag him as there might not be time to reeducate him!!!

 

[nayborlyhelp]

Respite stay failed! Hospital now!

I assist in caring for late 80's male neighbour who has recently been diagnosed with both vascular dementia plus ordinary dementia (whatever that is). His wife is in a care home since June 2015 (he has no time frames so he is adamant that she has been away from their home (council flat) for 2/3 weeks.

When Christmas arrived, we persuaded him to go in to the care home to join his wife for the festive period. They moved his wife to a bigger bedroom and put up a bed for him in the same room. His wife does not have dementia but has mobility problems etc
He stayed for 8 days and then walked out claiming that they were a lot of "old cronies" and he was sick to death of the care home. Everyone had hoped that he would stay permanently and the option was open to him but he was having none of it.

He has now developed a chest infection and is in a local hospital where he is giving the staff hell. He wanders and has made good his escape at one point until the police assisted in retrieving him. He has been made more confused by the move and was moved from the assessment ward to another more secure ward after his escape. He is being given intravenous injections for the chest infection and is belligerent, demanding in the extreme and has shown aggression - threw his slippers at a doctor etc. He is determined to come home to a flat with no care package in place as he says there is nothing wrong with him and everyone is interfering in his life and depriving him of his liberty. I think that a doctor signed a 5 day order that allows them to hold him until Monday but in truth he is not fit to live on his own and will accept no professional help believing that neighbours should do everything to keep him afloat.

I have read an Alzheimers Society leaflet that says that the hospital have a duty to discharge a diagnosed dementia patient only to a safe environment. They are assessing him at the present time but will probably want the hospital bed and the assessment looks and decisions about where he will live sound as if they may take a long time. I do not think that he can go to join his wife as they are not registered for dementia and in any case, he gives her no peace whatsoever so all very difficult. Am I right in thinking that unless judged without mental capacity, he can walk out and go back to the flat where he is unsafe and not coping? The mental capacity decision is not taken lightly and as a non professional I am guessing that he might be borderline - short term memory is awful! Any thoughts, welcome.

 

[josephinewilson]

Time to say something to my mum

Thanks for all the comments - so I visited a lovely care home today and they agreed to visit my mum to assess her this coming Friday. So now I just have to brace myself to make up some story about why this lady is coming to ask her some questions and why my mum might be going off for a little holiday in a place she has never seen or heard of
I'll keep you informed. I am so grateful to this forum for helping me since last year when I had to find the first care company for her when she was in the process of being diagnosed, right up to now when we're considering residential care homes...

 

[Witzend]

Fingers Xed - it's such a worrying time. I was petrified when the CH person came to assess my mother - we hadn't mentioned CHs since she would have refused point blank - according to her there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. (She was really bad by then).

But I needn't have worried, the woman was so pleasant and tactful and it all went fine. Do hope you will find the same.

 

[josephinewilson]

fingers crosses

Fingers crossed indeed. My mother says there is nothing wrong with her except she can't remember a thing Well that's putting it mildly