Oh the deceit!

[saskia]

I need to know if what I'm doing is normal....

Early stages, mum has been to her GP , I was with her, but she will not acknowledge the memory loss and God forbid we mention the memory clinic...

Mum seems to have a real fixation with her prescribed tablets for thyroid & blood pressure, many times she goes to the local pharmacy to collect them, when I've already done so, had my 2nd call from them in 2 weeks as she called in to see if they are ready...! Local village pharmacy, have known mum forever & they know she is experiencing memory issues.

I feel very underhand, as I've copied her prescription, put a note in with them telling her what she takes & why she no longer takes HRT ( she thinks she still does)& put this note in her tablet cupboard.... Didn't even discuss with her, just did this note.

I'm now dreading the morning, as she will see the note & call me, going mad. I know it's coming!!

I can feel myself already mentally preparing to tell her she knew about the note & that we've discussed it......but I feel terrible that this is being deceitful to her......what to-do!!????

I know little fibs with this illness are a given, but it's so hard. Never had to do anything like this with mum,but finding myself more & more ' fibbing' to make my / her life easier.

Is this normal???

 

[carrieboo]

Oh my word, this sounds familiar. It feels terrible to lie, but if you're doing it from a good place for a good reason I think it's ok. Also, to be perfectly honest, if your mum is anything like mine (and I know she is!) even if you had discussed this she would, more than likely, have forgotten it anyway.

So you're just skipping that stage and using your time efficiently

I need to know if what I'm doing is normal....

Early stages, mum has been to her GP , I was with her, but she will not acknowledge the memory loss and God forbid we mention the memory clinic...

Mum seems to have a real fixation with her prescribed tablets for thyroid & blood pressure, many times she goes to the local pharmacy to collect them, when I've already done so, had my 2nd call from them in 2 weeks as she called in to see if they are ready...! Local village pharmacy, have known mum forever & they know she is experiencing memory issues.

I feel very underhand, as I've copied her prescription, put a note in with them telling her what she takes & why she no longer takes HRT ( she thinks she still does)& put this note in her tablet cupboard.... Didn't even discuss with her, just did this note.

I'm now dreading the morning, as she will see the note & call me, going mad. I know it's coming!!

I can feel myself already mentally preparing to tell her she knew about the note & that we've discussed it......but I feel terrible that this is being deceitful to her......what to-do!!????

I know little fibs with this illness are a given, but it's so hard. Never had to do anything like this with mum,but finding myself more & more ' fibbing' to make my / her life easier.

Is this normal???

 

[Grannie G]

It`s all perfectly normal saskia. We tell according to peaceful requirements.

If your mother gets upset at the mentioning of memory loss, memory clinic, I`d stop mentioning them. The clinic could be a well women clinic which might be more acceptable.

As for the prescription and the note. I`d feign surprise.

 

[jknight]

Saskia, this sounds like my mum & me! Mum has always been an ostrich about illness and any mention of memory problems sends her into a tail spin (imagine the scene when the consultant said 'dementia') Others may disagree but I think white lies to spare feelings/distressed are totally acceptable x

 

[Aisling]

I need to know if what I'm doing is normal....

Early stages, mum has been to her GP , I was with her, but she will not acknowledge the memory loss and God forbid we mention the memory clinic...

Mum seems to have a real fixation with her prescribed tablets for thyroid & blood pressure, many times she goes to the local pharmacy to collect them, when I've already done so, had my 2nd call from them in 2 weeks as she called in to see if they are ready...! Local village pharmacy, have known mum forever & they know she is experiencing memory issues.

I feel very underhand, as I've copied her prescription, put a note in with them telling her what she takes & why she no longer takes HRT ( she thinks she still does)& put this note in her tablet cupboard.... Didn't even discuss with her, just did this note.

I'm now dreading the morning, as she will see the note & call me, going mad. I know it's coming!!

I can feel myself already mentally preparing to tell her she knew about the note & that we've discussed it......but I feel terrible that this is being deceitful to her......what to-do!!????

I know little fibs with this illness are a given, but it's so hard. Never had to do anything like this with mum,but finding myself more & more ' fibbing' to make my / her life easier.

Is this normal???

Hi Saskia,

Perfectly normal. Just wonder if this is strictly "fibbing"? I tell OH all kind of things to keep him happy and calm. DC is a club. Carer is a friend who comes to help him. I can tell him the truth when we have app with his Doctor cos he gets on well with him but only when we are in the car. I felt awful in the beginning as never told him a fib in my life but now"........ I don't feel guilty about it at all. It is great that the pharmacy know her so well too.

I totally understand how you feel about your Mum. We never ever told fibs to our Mum. You love her and you are keeping her safe and well. Why upset her when a little "fib" helps the situation?

Sending you support and hugs.

Aisling

 

[InnerGeek]

I hope this morning's not been too bad for you Saskia, it's horrible feeling you have to lie or stretch the truth. I know that when I get the gardener and cleaner to start in a month or two I'll be telling Dad that the landlord has supplied them as I know the alternative would get Dad very wound up and upset. I can bear the pain of a little white lie, knowing I'm sparing Dad from feeling like that. I am sure the same is true for your Mum.

 

[Witzend]

Please don't feel bad about 'love lies', as we call them here. Of course we wouldn't fib in normal circs, but dementia does change the rules, and so often it's a case of whatever will keep the person happy, when the strict truth is going to serve no purpose whatsoever except to make the person cross/agitated/fretful/distressed.

Many of us here have used love lies for the sake of less stress and upset for the person we're caring for. Personally I used masses over the (many) years with both FIL and my mother, and I did feel bad when I first did it with FIL, but that feeling very quickly wore off when I realised the only outcome was that he was happier.

 

[its a struggle]

Edited highlights of the truth!

In common with many other I have resorted to 'love lies' to keep MIL safe.

She has been a self-medicator for years, spending hundreds of pounds a month on supplements etc. many of them herbal versions of her prescribed meds. No amount of reasoning would sway her from the belief she would be so much worse if she stopped taking them.

After an emergency admission to hospital last October following a series of falls she was prescribed steroids to increase her blood pressure. A very nice consultant saw her and explained the new tablets would help to stop her falling as her blood pressure would now be regulated.

When she came home after 3 weeks I told her he had also said to me that she was to stop taking any supplements of non-prescribed medicine as they would interfere with her new "heart tablets" (as she refers to them).

So far so good...... I don't feel guilty and her bank balance is much healthier too.

 

[saskia]

Just wanted to say a big thank you for all your replies.

My hubby was with mum today to take her to a blood test appt -she found the note & he went through it with her -all good. or so you think.....

I received a call from her chemist at 3.00 - she has taken herself down there to pick up her tablets!! arrghhhhh

I spoke with her & sorry to say shouted at her down the phone. She was apologetic, nearly in tears but the compassionate communication went out the window!!

I keep getting calls at work & then my concentration is shot to pieces at work.

I am so stressed and this is just the start of it.

give us all strengh!!

sas x

 

[lizzybean]

I tell so many lies now it is unbelievable!

Thursday is hairdresser day. I call her in the morning as I do everyday & she asks me what she is doing & I say you are not doing anything, she always follows up with am I not going out & I say no! When I get there at 11.45 to make her lunch we go through the same routine. 12.20/12.30 comes round & I calmly tell her to get ready for the hairdressers, then she goes into complete panic mode. I help her change if she wishes to, I have already got her purse, bag, watch, ring ready then all we need to sort is shoes & coat. She can get herself into a state just in those 10/15 mins, if I told her earlier she can't eat cos she's rushing & can pretty much talk herself out of it.

I don't like doing it but it is for both our goods. We do what we have to!

 

[chrissie121]

Yes, it is normal

I need to know if what I'm doing is normal....

Early stages, mum has been to her GP , I was with her, but she will not acknowledge the memory loss and God forbid we mention the memory clinic...

Mum seems to have a real fixation with her prescribed tablets for thyroid & blood pressure, many times she goes to the local pharmacy to collect them, when I've already done so, had my 2nd call from them in 2 weeks as she called in to see if they are ready...! Local village pharmacy, have known mum forever & they know she is experiencing memory issues.

I feel very underhand, as I've copied her prescription, put a note in with them telling her what she takes & why she no longer takes HRT ( she thinks she still does)& put this note in her tablet cupboard.... Didn't even discuss with her, just did this note.

I'm now dreading the morning, as she will see the note & call me, going mad. I know it's coming!!

I can feel myself already mentally preparing to tell her she knew about the note & that we've discussed it......but I feel terrible that this is being deceitful to her......what to-do!!????

I know little fibs with this illness are a given, but it's so hard. Never had to do anything like this with mum,but finding myself more & more ' fibbing' to make my / her life easier.

Is this normal???

Yes, it is definitely normal. Unfortunately you are at the early stages of memory loss with your Mum and to be frank this is the hardest time. Convincing them to go to the doctors, then getting them to the memory clinic. You will have to tell the odd fib or be selective with the truth just to keep the peace and to reassure her, its the only way to remain sane. Good idea to tell local pharmacy and shops, so they are aware Mum has a little memory loss, it helps if people know. Try and encourage her to go to the memory clinic by saying she will meet other people there who will be around her age and its like a friends club. It took some time but I did get my Mum there in the end and she enjoyed it. Only lasts for 10 weeks in my area but it was very worthwhile. Good luck.

 

[canary]

Just wanted to say a big thank you for all your replies.

My hubby was with mum today to take her to a blood test appt -she found the note & he went through it with her -all good. or so you think.....

I received a call from her chemist at 3.00 - she has taken herself down there to pick up her tablets!! arrghhhhh

I spoke with her & sorry to say shouted at her down the phone. She was apologetic, nearly in tears but the compassionate communication went out the window!!

I keep getting calls at work & then my concentration is shot to pieces at work.

I am so stressed and this is just the start of it.

give us all strengh!!

sas x

The number of times that I thought that writing things down would solve all the problems of a poor memory. How naive I was...........
They dont remember that you have written it down, they forget that they have looked at it, they dont believe what you have written and it doesnt apply to them anyway.
It probably works in the initial stages, but not later on.

 

[Witzend]

The number of times that I thought that writing things down would solve all the problems of a poor memory. How naive I was...........
They dont remember that you have written it down, they forget that they have looked at it, they dont believe what you have written and it doesnt apply to them anyway.
It probably works in the initial stages, but not later on.

Us too, when we were new to it all with FIL. We actually made big, clear, large print A4 sheets - and laminated them - with answers to the ?s he was asking continually. Of course that would work - wouldn't it? I could almost laugh now, at how blithely clueless we were.

It's no wonder that 'helpful' people say things like, 'If she can't remember to take her meds, surely all you have to do is write her a reminder.'
Or even, 'All you need to do is ring her at the right time to remind her.' No conception that very likely as soon as the person has put the phone down, they will have forgotten whatever you said.
All too often the daily practicalities of memory loss are only apparent when you are living with it.

 

[Pear trees]

When we cleared all the junk and rotting food out of my mum's house we told her it was to prevent her tripping and falling. When the nurse from the memory clinic comes I tell mum it's an old friend of mine passing. We never tell her about lunch club bus, GP appts etc until very shortly before, just get her dressed as usual.
All these little lies stop her stressing and worrying, and getting up at 5.00am.

 

[tuffydawn]

I need to know if what I'm doing is normal....

Early stages, mum has been to her GP , I was with her, but she will not acknowledge the memory loss and God forbid we mention the memory clinic...

Mum seems to have a real fixation with her prescribed tablets for thyroid & blood pressure, many times she goes to the local pharmacy to collect them, when I've already done so, had my 2nd call from them in 2 weeks as she called in to see if they are ready...! Local village pharmacy, have known mum forever & they know she is experiencing memory issues.

I feel very underhand, as I've copied her prescription, put a note in with them telling her what she takes & why she no longer takes HRT ( she thinks she still does)& put this note in her tablet cupboard.... Didn't even discuss with her, just did this note.


I'm now dreading the morning, as she will see the note & call me, going mad. I know it's coming!!

I can feel myself already mentally preparing to tell her she knew about the note & that we've discussed it......but I feel terrible that this is being deceitful to her......what to-do!!????

I know little fibs with this illness are a given, but it's so hard. Never had to do anything like this with mum,but finding myself more & more ' fibbing' to make my / her life easier.

Is this normal???

i have become a regular fibber and hate it but it is the only way to deal with issues and keep the situation calm

 

[canary]

I did exactly the same - laminated answers to FAQs and even blu-tacked them to the kitchen wall unit doors. They couldnt possibly be overlooked. Could they.....?

 

[Delphie]

The number of times that I thought that writing things down would solve all the problems of a poor memory. How naive I was...........
They dont remember that you have written it down, they forget that they have looked at it, they dont believe what you have written and it doesnt apply to them anyway.
It probably works in the initial stages, but not later on.

That takes me back!

I tried writing things down for my mum too, in front of her, on her wall calendar, but when she failed to remember it was all my fault because I hadn't told her about whatever, and that writing on the calendar well, I'd just done it now, behind her back, to cover myself.

So then I had her write things down, but when she failed to remember it was still all my fault, only this time I had turned into a forger. She knew she hadn't written that, so it had to be me, copying her handwriting.

Or, another time, she firmly believed that someone had broken into her house to forge her writing for some reason or other. It's amazing to think that she really believed that a stranger would break into her house, cover their tracks so well that no one noticed, and put 'Dee coming at 9am to pick you up to go shopping' in her handwriting, on her calendar.

Dreadful times... Bewildering for her, stressful for us both.

You really can't win with dementia.