I am a new member.we've had a very bad day.
- Thread starter McGurk
- Start date
Welcome to TP 
It's so hurtful isn't it?
My dads like Jekyll & Hyde. You never know which one you'll get.
It's so hurtful isn't it?
My dads like Jekyll & Hyde. You never know which one you'll get.
Hello. I cope by saying to myself, This isn't your mother, it's a lovely woman who has dementia. It is very hard not to take this personally, but we must. Some of the looks my mother gives me would chill a cadaver. And other times she just smiles so so sweetly and tells me she loves me.
It is very unpredictable.
You might benefit from reading an information sheet on compassionate communication. Here it is.
Sometimes you don't cope. But then tomorrow comes. And you go on. Because there's no alternative really. My heart goes out to you and to all of us.
Hello and welcome to TP. Yes, this is very hurtful indeed. I just expect it now and when it does not happen its a good day.
They cant help it. Its a illness out of their control. The compassionate communication makes a huge difference. Whenever possible I just agree or sympathise with Mum. I try to never argue or correct her.
Keep your chin up.
XX
Quilty
They cant help it. Its a illness out of their control. The compassionate communication makes a huge difference. Whenever possible I just agree or sympathise with Mum. I try to never argue or correct her.
Keep your chin up.
XX
Quilty
All in it together
Hello and welcome. My mother in law has Alzheimer's (my own mother has dementia -they behave quite differently!) My O/H visits her every night and finds her crying her eyes out because nobody has visited her for weeks - when he points out the sheet on the wall where he, his sister and his brother sign to say they visited her - every day at least two visits from a son or daughter -she refuses to accept it, says they are lying about these visits and cries more floods of tears because she is being neglected by her own children. At other times rather than crying, she gets very angry with him when he turns up because he hasn't been for months "I thought you'd left the country!) etc. He says it's very wearing and demoralising, especially when you are doing your best and seeing her every day. But like others on here, he says he just has to bear in mind it is her condition and he has also to keep in mind the lovely caring mother who brought him up.
Hello and welcome. My mother in law has Alzheimer's (my own mother has dementia -they behave quite differently!) My O/H visits her every night and finds her crying her eyes out because nobody has visited her for weeks - when he points out the sheet on the wall where he, his sister and his brother sign to say they visited her - every day at least two visits from a son or daughter -she refuses to accept it, says they are lying about these visits and cries more floods of tears because she is being neglected by her own children. At other times rather than crying, she gets very angry with him when he turns up because he hasn't been for months "I thought you'd left the country!) etc. He says it's very wearing and demoralising, especially when you are doing your best and seeing her every day. But like others on here, he says he just has to bear in mind it is her condition and he has also to keep in mind the lovely caring mother who brought him up.
I can totally empathize with you. I hear every single day that the only person. Mom sees is my son. I visit 1 to 2 times per week and talk to her everyday. She swears she never talks to or sees me. I keep a record of when anyone does anything for mom and she too says, thats not true. You can write whatever you want. And she refuses to initial it everytime. It's like everyday I wake up wondering what I'm going to get chewed out about. I know in her mind it's as real as the sky is blue but that doesn't always help me deal and cope. It s so easy to say relax and be patient, they don't understand. It's totally another to actually do it when your in the moment and being yelled at. Anyway, just wanted to say you're not alone.
Towards the end my Ma did the same - it is because time is meaningless. We used to use post it notes saying 'back at 4' or whatever was happening next. We used to programme the TV for the whole day to programmes she liked - she was out at lunch club 4 days a week but when she came back they would turn it on for her and that would keep her happy for a short while.. Lunch club was the blessing as if time is meaningless the days and nights just stretch endlessly
It's really hard. Most of the time mum's pleasant enough, if loony. She can be awful though, behaviour which is completely different to how she really is, or rather was. She'd be appalled if she realised. It's easy to say not to get upset, but I know how difficult that is. I tell myself it's not her, it's her illness, and taking it personally is about as sensible as being cross with someone for for having kidney disease or a detached retina. Mum's anger is meaningless because she's not in control of her mind. I find if I don't react in kind, keep calm, smile and gently sympathise, that she will calm down, eventually. I've learnt how to deal with it, but it's one of the hardest things. I suppose I've taught myself to emotionally detach from her. No-one take's a baby's anger personally. In some ways I regard mum's shouting as the same kind of fury.
Clive, its so hard isn't it? Its easier said than done to ignore them. Mum lives with hubby and I and we have it 24/7. Most of the time I try and pacify or just walk away if she starts, but some days through sheer tiredness, frustration, or just had enough I have to say something back to her. World war 3 ensues then. Mum has accused me of stealing her purse, using all her money, my brother of stealing her jewellery and has sworn at me and hubby many times. She is like Jekyll and Hyde, night times are the worst, its like it gets dark, mums mood changes. I just want to walk away from it all this week as she moves into another very difficult phase of this terrible disease. But you are right, we become the parent, they the child, and that's how you have run with it sadly.
I think one of the main problems is that they act childish but have all the rights of an adult. It's the worst of all worlds for the thoughtful carer. On the one hand you have to think of their adult self and try to help them be as independent as they can be; on the other you have to morph in a eye-blink into a parental figure with the patience of Job.
