Over-night care for dying mother

[Ajayel]

My 85 year old Mother is in the final stages of dementia, has not had anything to drink for the last 4 days and nothing to eat for some time before that.
She is on a morphine pump and the pain she was suffering a few days ago seems under control.
We have been staying over night in her room at the care home, but this is quite exhausting and difficult with work etc.
The doors to all the rooms close at night and although careers and nurses do come round there would be no one with her all the time if we were not there.There could be an hour or so between visits. When I hold her hand she some times squeezes it as I talk to her.
I would like to hear other's experience in this situation as I don't know what to do for the best. Should someone be with her all the time? The home told us this would be the case, but it is not.

 

[Grannie G]

When my husband was receiving end of life care, my son and I stayed with him during the daytime and the night staff stayed with him during the night. He responded to our voices and recognised who we were until the day before he died.

The doors were left open. All were fire doors and would have closed automatically during a fire.

My husband died at 9pm. We were at home and the career was able to tell us about his final minutes.

 

[craftyviola]

Thinking of you

My 85 year old Mother is in the final stages of dementia, has not had anything to drink for the last 4 days and nothing to eat for some time before that.
She is on a morphine pump and the pain she was suffering a few days ago seems under control.
We have been staying over night in her room at the care home, but this is quite exhausting and difficult with work etc.
The doors to all the rooms close at night and although careers and nurses do come round there would be no one with her all the time if we were not there.There could be an hour or so between visits. When I hold her hand she some times squeezes it as I talk to her.
I would like to hear other's experience in this situation as I don't know what to do for the best. Should someone be with her all the time? The home told us this would be the case, but it is not.

As you will read on the same page, my dear Mum is also slipping away. I admire you for wanting to be with her every day and I am sure your presence is a great comfort to her. I hope, as I do with my Mum, the end will be peaceful and she will be free of pain. In my thoughts.

 

[Ajayel]

When my husband was receiving end of life care, my son and I stayed with him during the daytime and the night staff stayed with him during the night. He responded to our voices and recognised who we were until the day before he died.

The doors were left open. All were fire doors and would have closed automatically during a fire.

My husband died at 9pm. We were at home and the career was able to tell us about his final minutes.

Thank you, I appreciate your reply. I think we can only do the days too. Trying to do both would be too much particularly if it is a prolonged process.

 

[Ajayel]

As you will read on the same page, my dear Mum is also slipping away. I admire you for wanting to be with her every day and I am sure your presence is a great comfort to her. I hope, as I do with my Mum, the end will be peaceful and she will be free of pain. In my thoughts.

I'm sure Mum is pain free now and is less restless. Thank you for your kind words and I hope all goes peacefully for your Mother.

 

[Deputypink]

To be there or not

My Dad died in the care home and we did not get there until 15 minutes after he died . I stayed with him for the next few hours - as I did not want him to be alone . That felt right for me ..... There is no right or wrong answer - do not exhaust yourself and go with
the flow . You will do what is right for your situation .

 

[CJinUSA]

My 85 year old Mother is in the final stages of dementia, has not had anything to drink for the last 4 days and nothing to eat for some time before that.
She is on a morphine pump and the pain she was suffering a few days ago seems under control.
We have been staying over night in her room at the care home, but this is quite exhausting and difficult with work etc.
The doors to all the rooms close at night and although careers and nurses do come round there would be no one with her all the time if we were not there.There could be an hour or so between visits. When I hold her hand she some times squeezes it as I talk to her.
I would like to hear other's experience in this situation as I don't know what to do for the best. Should someone be with her all the time? The home told us this would be the case, but it is not.

Hello. I guess you could hire someone to be there for the overnights, if that would give you relief. My mother is in my home, and some nights, I feel guilty for going up to my own bed rather than staying in her room (where there are two sofas) so I can be there if she gets into trouble with breathing, etc. Yet I more frequently than not (not all the time, but more of the time than not) go to my own bed, so I can get my rest after a hard day of work and of taking care of her. I can understand you might want to be there, but I can also understand you need to get your sleep so you are ready for the days to come.

I don't think anyone can answer your question, but I did want to suggest that if you are concerned about this, then hire someone to stay with your mother overnight, if you can't do so.

Our mothers *will* die, and it's very hard to know when this will occur.

 

[Ajayel]

Thank you for your replies

It is comforting that you all have found time to reply and share your thoughts and experiences.
Mum passed away last night just an hour after I returned to visit and luckily all the family were there.
The Care Home would not fund an overnight carer (Mum's costs are £950 p.w. And she has been there for 4 years) so we found one of our own, who knew Mum. The carer was with us for Mum's final hour and was so helpful, but she would not take her fee and said she would feel insulted to have it forced on her as she had known Mum for 4 years. There are some beautiful human beings in the world and we found one.
I think that hiring is a good idea if you have the funds, even if only to give the family a night off in those last few days.

 

[fizzie]

It is comforting that you all have found time to reply and share your thoughts and experiences.
Mum passed away last night just an hour after I returned to visit and luckily all the family were there.
The Care Home would not fund an overnight carer (Mum's costs are £950 p.w. And she has been there for 4 years) so we found one of our own, who knew Mum. The carer was with us for Mum's final hour and was so helpful, but she would not take her fee and said she would feel insulted to have it forced on her as she had known Mum for 4 years. There are some beautiful human beings in the world and we found one.
I think that hiring is a good idea if you have the funds, even if only to give the family a night off in those last few days.

S

So pleased that it worked out well for you in the last hours and that you were able to be with your Mother. You are so right, there are some truly wonderful people around.
Your Mum is at peace and you did everything possible, take care in the coming days x

 

[Ajayel]

My Dad died in the care home and we did not get there until 15 minutes after he died . I stayed with him for the next few hours - as I did not want him to be alone . That felt right for me ..... There is no right or wrong answer - do not exhaust yourself and go with
the flow . You will do what is right for your situation .

The career we hired last night said that in her experience most people are not present when loved ones die. Death often occurs when the family pop out for a coffee or on a quick errand or just can't get back to the care home quickly enough. She felt that at times the patient seems to choose for it to be that way.

 

[Shedrech]

Hello Ajayel
my condolences on the death of your mum
I'm glad for you all that the family and her carer were with her - I hope that will be a comfort to you
may you all find peace

 

[Quilty]

My condolences to you. I hope that your Mums peace in her final days will be a comfort to you. Im also glad you found such a caring person to be at your side.

Love quilty

 

[angecmc]

I am sorry for your loss, so pleased you found a special person who truly cared about all of you at this sad time, take care xx

Ange

 

[craftyviola]

Many condolences for your loss and I am so pleased that you were able to be with your Mum at the end.