Here us what I want you to know, Irish:
I am brand new to this..It took me ages to find the right forum that might help me and frankly I couldn't find any that originated in the U.S that seemed to be of any functioning service. I suffer from many of the same symptoms you do, and I have suffered them for what seems to me, a very long time.
For over 40 years I worked as a professional nurse with geriatric patients who suffered from dementia and even had the honor of helping to supervise the creation of a Alzhiemer's unit back when we were still not certain of what the disease was all about. This was done in hopes of understanding better the differences between Alzheimer's Disease and other dementias. This work was highly rewarding for me and I personally learned a great deal from the patients, their families and the speciality staff co-ordinating the constructs of that program. Isn't it ironic that for all my 'vast knowledge and experience', I simply didn't or wouldn't or couldn't see it in myself
I will say that another chronic disease I have produces some of the same symptoms and after over two years of thinking IT was my problem, the second opinion of a specialist in that disease assured me it isn't.
Over these past few months have I been alerted to the idea that I more than likely have vascular dementia. I say 'more than likely' because a passing statement from my general practitioner indicated that it's likely vascular dementia based on a brain scan, (MRI), revealing vascular changes in the white matter, my long term diagnosis of peripheral vascular disease which has already closed off one renal artery and a part of an intestional artery which resulted in the removal of part of my transverse colon. So, it's not a long stretch to figure that now it's affected my ceberal cortex, too. However, my doctor did not prescribe--he sent me to a local neurologist who, after a 5 minute exam and taking his time out for 3 personal cell phone calls, told me my problem is "depression" and I needed to go to a psychiatrist.
Now, I feel a compelling need to get to a reputable neurologist. I live in a rural area of Michigan where 'reputable' anything is difficult to find. I wish I lived in England--it seems the folks there are a bit more attentive to the needs of this particular problem. What with 'memory clinics' and all. How nice it would be to have such a thing near me. (Just a passing thought, not a resentment.)
But..I digress..
Irish, I need you to know how much you help me. You actually have the disease! You experience it first hand, inside yourself. I get such a sense of relief just reading your descriptions of symptoms, your fear, your anger and confusion and yes, even your paranoia. From these expressions, you tell me that I am not alone and you remind me to remind myself that fear is : False Evidence Appearing Real. You remind me to stop with the trying to control it all. Mostly, you remind me that when I cannot trust myself, I need to trust others. I can't do this alone. I just can't. I am so friggin' grateful to God for you.
I absolutely appreciate each and every caregiver who shares their experiences with their family and friends because it alerts me to what may come that hasn't already. They help me. My husband and I are physically seperated; and while he is a daily visitor and helps me immensely with chores that I am no longer capable of doing due to my other disability, he is not emotionally equipped to deal with dementia. This is abundantly clear. So, I share with him many of the experiences of caregivers on this site. Sometimes he seems to truly be interested.
I apologize for my 'wordiness'. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, too.
Peace, LoisJean
