Am being cut out of mum's life and decision making - can I do anything?

[Chemmy]

Even if you are there every holiday, that still leaves 36 or so weeks every year when other arrangements have to be made for her day-to-day care. Had you put provisions in place when you were there in October or was she expected to manage on her own until you returned at Christmas?

As for the email from the solicitor - well, every mother would want that, wouldn't they? Her three children getting together and agreeing the way forward, when in fact there's been an estrangement for years, which given the diagnosis, she might well have forgotten.

As you say yourself

I have avoided my siblings for longer than I can remember; I have only spoken to them when they have happened to be at mum's while I have been there

a collaborative approach was never going to work and you appear to be outvoted..

Sorry if we seem to be giving you a hard time, but there are always two sides to a story and we're trying to fill in the gaps. The bottom line is "Is your mother being cared for as she should be?" If not, then maybe you have grounds to complain, but otherwise, her best interests will take precedence over your needs/wishes.

 

[blackvelevt]

Even if you are there every holiday, that still leaves 36 or so weeks every year when other arrangements have to be made for her day-to-day care. Had you put provisions in place when you were there in October or was she expected to manage on her own until you returned at Christmas?

As for the email from the solicitor - well, every mother would want that, wouldn't they? Her three children getting together and agreeing the way forward, when in fact there's been an estrangement for years, which given the diagnosis, she might well have forgotten.

As you say yourself



a collaborative approach was never going to work and you appear to be outvoted..

Sorry if we seem to be giving you a hard time, but there are always two sides to a story and we're trying to fill in the gaps. The bottom line is "Is your mother being cared for as she should be?" If not, then maybe you have grounds to complain, but otherwise, her best interests will take precedence over your needs/wishes.

Since you all appear to agree that it's okay for my siblings to cut me off from my mother for no reason, I have obviously come to the wrong place for understanding and support. I will just cut all three of them off, and the solicitor can inform me when mum passes away.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi blackvelvet
I'm sad that you feel you have been alienated - but urge you caution in how you proceed - this dementia beast can rip families apart

I wrote the following before your most recent post - I'm sorry you feel we are not being supportive - we're trying to see the situation neutrally - and many of us have been in similar situations - DO NOT please, throw all in, your mum needs and wants you to be in her life - I've cut off from a sibling but managed to continue to care for my dad (now in a home) as does the sibling, so it can be done - but I'd not wish it to be like this for anyone:-

not even siblings see, or deal with, the world in the same way - and that seems to be what's happening in your family

in your first post in this thread you wrote

I have two younger siblings, who up until this point had visited once or twice a year and would call me constantly to tell me that "we" needed to be doing more to help mum

you say the diagnosis was a shock to you - maybe they had seen something you had missed, as there seems to be some frustration in those calls - maybe that puts their actions into a little perspective - they wanted to get support in place for your mother as quickly as possible, which they have done

you say by getting the care plan in place without discussing it with you that they have alienated you - however you also write:

I have avoided my siblings for longer than I can remember; I have only spoken to them when they have happened to be at mum's while I have been there, because I don't want her upset by us arguing.

so there is a longer standing disagreement, which your mum appears to be aware of as you write:

The three of us received an email from mum's solicitor after her diagnosis, saying that he had talked to mum and that she wanted all three of us to be involved in any decisions regarding her care;

which is pretty unusual and seems to imply that your mum anticipated some friction
It seems your siblings fear this also as:

I was told to stop causing a fight

I don't know the ins and outs of your family's relationships - I do know that my family has fallen apart - I'd not wish that on anyone - so please take time to breath before you act - there are more than two sides to any situation and sometimes it's best to let things be, at least for a while, to see how they pan out

 

[canary]

Since you all appear to agree that it's okay for my siblings to cut me off from my mother for no reason, I have obviously come to the wrong place for understanding and support. I will just cut all three of them off, and the solicitor can inform me when mum passes away.

I dont think any of us are saying that its OK, we are just saying that we cant see what you can do on a legal basis because your mum appears to be getting the care that she needs.
So that just leaves the informal approach.

She is getting a care package which is designed to keep her in her own home, so there is nothing to prevent you from continuing to visit her.

 

[Quilty]

My family is in a similar situation to your. My middle sister has fallen out with myself and my elder sister. She no longer visits my mother in her care home as a result. The only one suffering in all of this is my mum. Having another visitor would mean so much to her. I would say to you to step back and think about what relationship you want with your Mother. She obviously went down hill fast enough that your family had to do something. If you are estanged then its not surprising they did not contact you. If both of them agreed with the doctor or social services they just got on with it. I dont think they were thinking of you at all. They were focussed on a solution for your Mum.

My own sister cobvinced the hospital to discharge my mum twice as she would stay with her. The longest she stayed was 24hrs and shortest 5hrs. I had to that the poa to the hospital last time and warn them not to release her to my sister. My sister now tells everyone how evil i am and that she would have lived with mum. She wishes she could have but was never going to do it. Do i care? Not a jot. Mum is well and happy in her care home.

 

[Raggedrobin]

i am inclined to agree with some of the previous posters. For your mother to be happy, she would probably like to be visited individually my all of you. Saying you won't see her is punishing her at a desperate point in her life.

I also agree with posters who have suggested that your siblings may have spotted changes in your Mum while you weren't there and therefore they needed to take action fast.

Much as you would like to care for your mother, as the disease progresses it is a huge thing to take on. Your mother is probably benefiting well from the varies stimulation offered at a day centre, plus the chance to meet other people. Dementia is a lonely business and to be stuck at home with just one person all the time would not be ideal.

You have bristled very easily at the opinions that have been offered to you which suggests some of the problem may lie in a defenceness in dealing with your siblings. Going a legal route will be a waste of time and money when surely the priority is just to give what your siblings are doing a chance to see what is best not for you, but for your mother.

 

[missmarple]

OP you need to find it in your heart to listen to your siblings and work with them not against them. Dementia can rip families apart like nothing else. As others have indicated, really caring, or arranging care for someone with dementia is a tough, stressful and often thankless task (but a necessary one). maybe your sisters are not doing things perfectly, but I'll bet that form their perspective, they are doing what they think is the best in the (no doubt very difficult) circumstances. It would be easy to go down the solicitor and cutting off route, but do you really want to be alone in the world when this is over? I would have thought you'd be in a better position to advocate for your mother if you keep the communication channels open.

 

[Serendipity1934]

Im going to go against the grain here, and say that I perfectly understand where the original poster is coming from.

She feels isolated and left out and not treated in an equal manner as a sibling. I know this because i have experienced it myself.

You can choose your friends but you cant choose your family.




Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Terrypm]

Since politely asking them why I had not been asked for any input when they were putting the care package together got me told to stop causing a fight, I don't feel that my siblings and I are going to be able to have a calm conversation about any of this. I work six days a week during term time because I make minimum wage and need as many hours as I can, whereas my siblings have all their weekends free and can see mum whenever they want - so the fact that one of them has chosen to take mum away for Christmas in the knowledge that it will mean I can't see her over what may well be her last festive season should pretty much tell you what sort of people I am dealing with.

I have a neighbour who is a retired solicitor and volunteers for the Citizens Advice Bureau, so I think i will pay him a visit and see what he feels my options are.

Please do not worry, a sibling who lives closer to a relative does tend to take over, its human nature, try to think of it as a help not a hindrance, what must be done is for you all to think what is in your mum's best interest, i understand asking your mum could be impossible but what we do is try and recall past comments,opinions and conversations with my mum, you can then get an idea of what to do. My mum didn't want her father in a home, absolutely hated the idea and so he came to live with us, my mum had a nervous breakdown in the end and ended up very ill, we convinced her the time had come for Grandad to go into residential care and once he was in there she wished she had done so earlier. For this reason we had Mum in her own house with day centre and carers coming into the house for as long as possible, its all absolutely fine, don't listen to all the negative stories about care for the elderly, once you are involved and in the system, you will realise what a God send it can be. Its so hard for you living far away but try and go with the flow and relax, if you can't get regular updates from your siblings, find someone official who you can contact, i ended up very friendly with my mums carers, i even had their mobile numbers so if i missed them on a visit i could call them. Are you joint attorney,deputy or feel you should be included in decisions? which you should, either way you can contact the office of public guardian if you feel your mums best interests are not being taken into consideration but it has to be your mums interests, no-one elses, i wouldn't do that just yet, it will probably antagonize the situation, your siblings have probably had the conversation that you are too far away to know whats best, whether right or wrong, try and get a relationship going with them, even if its just so you can ring occasionally for an update, i would think very carefully before you pack in your job and move to your mums, it is so so hard financially and emotionally, and it sounds like you won't get much support from your siblings if you do that. Relax and try not to worry, your mum will be fine.