An old friend has compromised me.

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fizzie

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Jul 20, 2011
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I am not so sure. His parting comment was " don't leave it too long" not sure exactly what he meant by that but I wasn't entering into any more dialogue about it.
For a couple of years my husband seemed to have taken a dislike to this man and stopped wanting to be in his company. I am wondering now if it was because he sensed something, or if there was mistrust in his intentions.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh that is really unpleasant :( I agree, trust your husband's instincts and be rid of him and give him a wide berth if you are in company with him. So sorry you have had this experience. I had a couple of nasties when my husband died a couple of years ago but I was quite rude and so I suppose they didn't bother any more :eek:
 

Il Gufo

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Feb 27, 2013
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How awful for you Bugs! It seems this man is just a chancer who thought it was worth trying it on. In my view (for what it's worth), I would counsel not telling the man's wife. She may think that because you sadly no longer have your husband at home you are jealous and trying to ruin her marriage. Obviously make sure you are never alone with this man again, and maybe follow the excellent advice of announcing a very quiet Christmas this year. There is nothing to stop you meeting the wife for coffee if you want to. You could always say you find it difficult spending time with friends as couples when you can't bring your own husband along. But the best advice is to go with your gut feeling, and take care of yourself. Sending you hugs at a very difficult time x
 

Scarlett123

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Apr 30, 2013
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My goodness - what a horrid thing to happen to you! You shouldn't be put in such an awkward position, but if it means the end of a friendship with the wife - so be it. You have to feel safe and comfortable in your own home.

If he calls again, on his own, shut the door in his face, and if he comes with his wife, I'd say the following:

"Do you know, I've just had such a distressing call from a friend. Apparently the husband of her friend, made some very unpleasant advances to her. She's shocked and disgusted and so am I. I told her to tell his wife, but she said she's told him off in no uncertain terms, and hopes he gets the message. Or she will". ;)

You should find that both his ardour, and manhood, are instantly deflated. :D
 

fizzie

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Jul 20, 2011
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We were right to warn you then. "Don't leave it too long.... to get back in the saddle" would be my interpretation. :eek: :mad:

hah or don't leave it too long....i might be taken!!!! Yes please take him away! His poor long suffering wife - he's probably been like this since he was a teenager!
 

Bugsbunny4

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Nov 6, 2015
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I must say, my first thought was "tell his wife". Maybe he has done this before! Maybe she has had suspicions. Maybe he was playing on your loyalty to his wife so that you would not mention his behaviour.

Unfortunately it could end your friendship with her but if there is a risk of this happening again (his comment "don't leave it too long" :mad:) wouldn't it be better to talk about it now rather than later.

I'd say, go with your husband's instinct towards this man - don't trust him!

Too right.
 

Bugsbunny4

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Nov 6, 2015
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I must say, my first thought was "tell his wife". Maybe he has done this before! Maybe she has had suspicions. Maybe he was playing on your loyalty to his wife so that you would not mention his behaviour.

Unfortunately it could end your friendship with her but if there is a risk of this happening again (his comment "don't leave it too long" :mad:) wouldn't it be better to talk about it now rather than later.

I'd say, go with your husband's instinct towards this man - don't trust him!

Absolutely correct. I don't trust him one bit.
 

Slugsta

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Aug 25, 2015
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Bugsbunny, what a horrible thing to happen, a total breach of trust and friendship! :mad:

I am horrified that anyone would behave like this - even more so to learn that this seems to be quite a common occurrence. What a sad world!
 

di65

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Feb 28, 2013
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new zealand
I mentioned this post to a friend today over a coffee, and she said that the same thing had happened to her many years ago when she was a recently separated mother of two. She has hardly spoken to the man since, but has remained friends with the wife. She was tempted to tell his wife, but resisted. She said to tell you "chin up, stand tall and be confident in the knowledge that you didn't instigate the approach, and that he will be the one to bear the burden, not you"
 

meme

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Aug 29, 2011
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Men who behave this way get off scott free because so many women are too embarrassed to "out" them...the men rely on this and carry on and on...any real friend to their wife or partner would tell them exactly what happened ...if the friendship is worth anything it will continue and surely you would want to be told if it were your man!!???
 

Suzanna1969

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Mar 28, 2015
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Men who behave this way get off scott free because so many women are too embarrassed to "out" them...the men rely on this and carry on and on...any real friend to their wife or partner would tell them exactly what happened ...if the friendship is worth anything it will continue and surely you would want to be told if it were your man!!???

Ha I thought that too! I saw a friend's boyfriend canoodling with another girl while my friend was on holiday. Being a dutiful friend (and because we had ACTUALLY HAD this discussion a few months previously) I told her what I had seen. He tried to make out that I had seen nothing and that I was causing trouble because I was jealous of their relationship (hilarious!).

Admittedly this was many, many years ago, but in my experience the messenger always gets shot. Even worse, he might actually try to defend himself by attacking you and making out it was YOU who came on to HIM ('Poor Bugs, she must be so lonely since her husband went into the home, she probably just wanted company and got carried away').

:mad::mad::mad:

Galling I know.

And you know what else? Chances are he HAS done this before, probably with some success (or he wouldn't keep trying his luck) and the chances are his long-suffering wife either knows very well what he is like or at least suspects it and has resigned herself to living with it. THIS IS FAR MORE COMMON THAN YOU WOULD THINK. If it was actually brought out into the open she might not be able to handle the embarrassment of being forced to confront the situation and cut you off, which would be a crying shame as I reckon you both need each other more than ever right now.
 
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Bugsbunny4

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Nov 6, 2015
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Ha I thought that too! I saw a friend's boyfriend canoodling with another girl while my friend was on holiday. Being a dutiful friend (and because we had ACTUALLY HAD this discussion a few months previously) I told her what I had seen. He tried to make out that I had seen nothing and that I was causing trouble because I was jealous of their relationship (hilarious!).

Admittedly this was many, many years ago, but in my experience the messenger always gets shot. Even worse, he might actually try to defend himself by attacking you and making out it was YOU who came on to HIM ('Poor Bugs, she must be so lonely since her husband went into the home, she probably just wanted company and got carried away').

:mad::mad::mad:

Galling I know.


And you know what else? Chances are he HAS done this before, probably with some success (or he wouldn't keep trying his luck) and the chances are his long-suffering wife either knows very well what he is like or at least suspects it and has resigned herself to living with it. THIS IS FAR MORE COMMON THAN YOU WOULD THINK. If it was actually brought out into the open she might not be able to handle the embarrassment of being forced to confront the situation and cut you off, which would be a crying shame as I reckon you both need each other more than ever right now.

No I didn't get carried away at all. I just found out the hard way that some men see women on their own as a fair target. I most certainly didn't expect a long term friend to try to take advantage of me.
 

CeliaW

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Jan 29, 2009
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Bugsbunny, I don't think Suzanna meant that you got carried away but that he would lie and say that. xx
 

Countryboy

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Mar 17, 2005
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Hi just been reading this thread and I feel sorry that Bugsbunny4 was put in the situation ,

however we must look back a few week , at previous Threads posted on Talking Point where T.P such as {Sex & Dementia }and possibly other threads this subject where T.P member have express their feelings saying they are missing the sexual part of their relationships , and getting several replies from other members telling them they are not being unfaithful etc. , Personally I don’t comment on those because I think it should be private between couples , but here we were are Now on the other side of the coin maybe sex shouldn’t be discussed on T.P this not accepting this Guy’s behaviour but it is confusing when thread {Sex & Dementia } how lonely these people are
sorry only this how I see it don’t want to upset anyone
 

Shedrech

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Dec 15, 2012
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Sorry, Tony, I disagree with you on both counts

the previous threads were started by members themselves considering a consensual relationship
Bugsbunny4 in NO WAY wanted that man to make a move on her
so there's no confusion

and in my opinion any member may bring to the forum any issue he or she wishes to discuss - if it is inappropriate for the forum the moderators will step in - if any member doesn't 'like' what is written he or she can post that or not read or post on that thread at all
I believe it's important that members feel confident in TP to come here with anything that needs airing - one strength of this forum is that we treat each other with such respect that members feel safe to write about delicate and disturbing concerns, as well as the light hearted and 'medical' sides of life
another is that we can politely disagree

Bugsbunny4 - I too think Suzanna 1969 was stating what the man might say if cornered to cover himself - the words are in " ... " - definitely NOT what happened and NOT how you reacted
 

Countryboy

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Mar 17, 2005
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Sorry, Tony, I disagree with you on both counts

the previous threads were started by members themselves considering a consensual relationship
Bugsbunny4 in NO WAY wanted that man to make a move on her
so there's no confusion

Well he knows that now
You’re ok to disagree with me but when you read other T.P members saying they want a sexual relation because their spouse dementia is it sending the wrong message just think if this Guy had read this well although it’s always wrong to assume but he may have thought he was “helping her“ ok he made a mistake on this ocasion we must remember there are several ways to look at this and can read this differently

I know how the T.P works been on here since March 2005
 
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ellejay

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Jan 28, 2011
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Essex
think if this Guy had read this well although it’s always wrong to assume but he may have thought he was “helping her“ ok he made a mistake on this ocasion we must remember there are several ways to look at this and can read this differently

If he read any posts on here, he wouldn't have seen one from bugsbunny as she has never expressed that wish.

I'm sure the man's wife is very happy she is married to a man so generous with his favours ( yes, my tongue is firmly in my cheek)

Lin x
 

Countryboy

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Mar 17, 2005
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If he read any posts on here, he wouldn't have seen one from bugsbunny as she has never expressed that wish.

I'm sure the man's wife is very happy she is married to a man so generous with his favours ( yes, my tongue is firmly in my cheek)

Lin x

It would be nice to hear his side before we decide one way or the other though
 

ellejay

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Jan 28, 2011
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Essex
In my opinion he doesn't have a "side" . He's a married man who overstepped the decency mark & tried it on with a vulnerable woman .

Lin x
 

Countryboy

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Mar 17, 2005
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In my opinion he doesn't have a "side" . He's a married man who overstepped the decency mark & tried it on with a vulnerable woman .

Lin x

Well we don't know that for sure and those who were asking for a relationship are married ok there spouse may have dementia but still married so basically there all in the wrong
 
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