Mum in care home- thinks she is alone now....

[Shedrech]

Hi Charlie100
What a tough time your family is having - how sensible of you all, though, to know that you couldn't continue as things were and to have found a home for your mum where she will be safe and looked after.
Of course you'll all question your decision, it's such a huge change for your mum; another loss for you all to deal with. However, whenever you do, just remember all the reasons you made this choice, especially that she was no longer safe to be on her own.
Sadly, she probably won't see it this way - so if it's best for her not to say anything beforehand, stick to that, you know her well.
Would a fib help her over the first week, to tell her that it's a break for her, or you all have commitments suddenly (boilers broken, working away ...) so you want to know she's not left alone while you can't visit - anything you know will make it easier fro her.
If she will accept the truth, go for it straight away - or whenever you think it's a good time to tell her - sometimes it just never is.
I certainly would ask everyone who goes with her to control their own reactions - sounds unfair, I know, but tears and fond farewells etc will not help her feel 'at home' - so smiles and positive comments will be needed, so she feels YOU are happy for her to be there.
Maybe leave her with something pleasant to do - going to the dining room for a coffee and cake - settling infront of her own TV to watch her favourite programme/DVD. And just go, just your usual 'see you later' type leaving or even just disappear - as long as the staff know they will watch over her.
And go treat yourselves after you leave - it's a tricky moment, have something to do so you don't go on a guilt trip.
Best wishes

 

[Sailaway_today]

I'm finding the comments really helpful, if nothing else it makes me realise that we are not alone in what we are going through and that we are doing what is the best course of action.
Mom still thinks she has been shut in, and is not allowed out, but then in the next breath is still not sure that dad has passed and thinks he has left her, and is not sure why I refer to him as dad.
I know she is scared and lonely, but also that she is in the best place. We are going to try and have her to stay with us for odd weekends to try and give her things to look forward to, hoping that she will be happier knowing she had things to look forward to. She is not keen on getting involved with what is happening in the home, and seems to be spending hours in her room, despite the staff doing there best to get her involved. I'm not sure what we can do about that accept persevere and not feel guilty all the time.
She feels we have taken away her indpendence but does not realise that the things she says she wants to do she has not been doing, get on the bus and go shopping, go to the theatre on her own, are all things she has never done. I think it's more the spontentaty of been able to do things, rather than having stuff planned. But then when we turn up and say we are going to go out, she starts being so aggressive that we end up not going out as she is being so difficult.
I was surprised when talking to the staff that they were really pleased we were getting involved and are having regular meetings with them to see how she is settling in, and get their view on why she gets so upset. Apparently a lot of families don't Bother trying to build a relationship with the staff. I think the more they know and understand us as a family the better they can support us all in this difficult time.
One small step at a time is what I am working on, trying not to feel guilty each time she asks to come and live with me, I've booked theatre tickets one for jan, February, March and April next year so she knows we are going to be doing things, it's still early days for all of us.