Well it's been 4 month since dad passed away & although I'm really struggling at night to sleep I've been trying to get on with things best I can but a text message from my sister in law the other day has finally made me crack.When I get up to go to the toilet I pass the bathroom & think I can hear the water running in the bathroom, dad used to wash 4-5 times a night. My sister in laws not well & lost her father just after I lost mine.
I've still got an open wound from December 2013 after emergency surgery due to my body rejecting mesh but because I've had so much surgery since 2003 following cancer & ended up with multiple blood clots in my lungs I've come to a decisoin with the surgeon that my body can't take any more & I'll leave things as they are.
Before my father died I was up most of the night with him until the last week when we had night carers in & a hospital bed down stairs but I would still get up & make a drink if I couldn't sleep that final week. Now I daren't even go down stairs & make a drink for fear my father is down stairs laid in the bed. After he died the nurses didn't come to certify him for 4 hours so we sat with him in the room & I now can't get that out of my mind. My mums not well & has skin cancer & hyperparathyroidism. I haven't felt up to contacting her as often as I did I'm worrying about mum trying to cope with my own problems not sleeping & because I haven't contacted her as often she says I don't care she says at least I have mum she has no one but she does have a son & his partner who she says I didn't ring back when he rang whilst I was coming home from hospital. I did try ringing him back & there was no reply. So I left a message.
I'm laid here crying in such a state when I should be having some me time after caring for my father. It's as if because she has no money coming in its my fault & I can't help that since dad died I've had to take on all the bills etc mum & he paid even though I'm unable to work. Sorry for babbling just needed to let it out
I've still got an open wound from December 2013 after emergency surgery due to my body rejecting mesh but because I've had so much surgery since 2003 following cancer & ended up with multiple blood clots in my lungs I've come to a decisoin with the surgeon that my body can't take any more & I'll leave things as they are.
Before my father died I was up most of the night with him until the last week when we had night carers in & a hospital bed down stairs but I would still get up & make a drink if I couldn't sleep that final week. Now I daren't even go down stairs & make a drink for fear my father is down stairs laid in the bed. After he died the nurses didn't come to certify him for 4 hours so we sat with him in the room & I now can't get that out of my mind. My mums not well & has skin cancer & hyperparathyroidism. I haven't felt up to contacting her as often as I did I'm worrying about mum trying to cope with my own problems not sleeping & because I haven't contacted her as often she says I don't care she says at least I have mum she has no one but she does have a son & his partner who she says I didn't ring back when he rang whilst I was coming home from hospital. I did try ringing him back & there was no reply. So I left a message.
I'm laid here crying in such a state when I should be having some me time after caring for my father. It's as if because she has no money coming in its my fault & I can't help that since dad died I've had to take on all the bills etc mum & he paid even though I'm unable to work. Sorry for babbling just needed to let it out