I can't stop really resenting my invisible sister and her great life

[ElizabethAnn]

Resentment

Whenever I feel a resentment, I always remember a true story that a friend told me...

She had plucked up courage to tell a "friend" that she had resented him for the last 2 years for something he had said... he turned round and smiled at her and said "that's funny, I've felt fine"

Resentment only ever hurts the person feeling it.

There are some great tips on this thread for moving on... I'll be using some of them next time I suffer this most debilitating feeling

 

[Scarlett123]

Whenever I feel a resentment, I always remember a true story that a friend told me...

She had plucked up courage to tell a "friend" that she had resented him for the last 2 years for something he had said... he turned round and smiled at her and said "that's funny, I've felt fine"

Resentment only ever hurts the person feeling it.

There are some great tips on this thread for moving on... I'll be using some of them next time I suffer this most debilitating feeling

What a marvellous anecdote. Yes that sums life up most succinctly. Some people are made of stone, and others melt. It's so hard though, when one sibling is breaking their back, doing it all, and the others appear to be oblivious or too busy to help.

 

[fredsnail]

I feel so sorry for how you feel - and completely understand it.

My invisible Aunt told Mum that Grandad should have died 20 years ago as he'd have had plenty of money for the legacies he left in his will.

She is only concerned about what little money is left and we do resent her - but we are moving on without her in our lives - it is difficult to get over the feeling of resentment and sometimes it resurfaces but it's one of those things that will get easier with time.

 

[Jude56]

So sorry to read your story. I too have an invisible sister who turns up once a year with generous gifts and talk of her 'busy' life. She feels this visit is enough and although now retired has never offered to give me a break. I don't mind helping my Dad at all, he is nearly 93 and not demanding even though he is disabled and needs a fair amount of attention. (he does not have dementia - another 2 relatives do).
I think that maybe you should try and feel that you are the lucky one to have had such a great relationship with your Mum. Your sister obviously hasn't had this and now she is a grandmother she is probably hoping her children and grandchildren don't desert her in the way she deserted you and your Mum. I can't help thinking she has regrets but would never admit them to you. Be happy that you were a loving and caring daughter and I'm sure your Mum felt very lucky to have you.
Take care x

 

[Chemmy]

I'm a firm believer in that you reap what you sow

Your sister may well find she is treated with indifference by her own family if things take a down turn in the future. After all, she is their role model in how to treat a parent.....

 

[Cat27]

So sorry to read your story. I too have an invisible sister who turns up once a year with generous gifts and talk of her 'busy' life. She feels this visit is enough and although now retired has never offered to give me a break. I don't mind helping my Dad at all, he is nearly 93 and not demanding even though he is disabled and needs a fair amount of attention. (he does not have dementia - another 2 relatives do).
I think that maybe you should try and feel that you are the lucky one to have had such a great relationship with your Mum. Your sister obviously hasn't had this and now she is a grandmother she is probably hoping her children and grandchildren don't desert her in the way she deserted you and your Mum. I can't help thinking she has regrets but would never admit them to you. Be happy that you were a loving and caring daughter and I'm sure your Mum felt very lucky to have you.
Take care x

Welcome to TP Jude

 

[Jude56]

Welcome to TP Jude

Thank you Cat - such a useful site. We have one relative with severe AD and another with early-mid symptoms.

 

[Cat27]

Thank you Cat - such a useful site. We have one relative with severe AD and another with early-mid symptoms.

You have got your hands full.

 

[Babymare01]

I understand how you feel

Hello hunny - I to have an invisible brother. My husband says I should tell him when mum falls etc but I know it is pointless - he always has said he isn't close to mum ( Oh he was in the past when he needed to borrow her car, need help etc) - he hasn't visited mum for 7 months and never rings to ask how she is. My husband says he will feel guilty when mum passes but I know he wont. In his world he justifies his actions.
BUT and this is the but I know I love my mum - my lovely kind caring mum - and I will be there for her as she as always been for us and because of that I am at peace with how my brother acts.

People always think families are strong for each other but that isn't always so - I actually get so much support and love from my sister in law & Mother in law so Im lucky. With regards to your sister I think the writing a letter but don't send it is a wonderful idea. Also where is it written in book of life to say we cannot walk away from our siblings. What do you owe her to keep working at a relationship which is obviously making you unhappy. You sound a lovely caring person who is more grounded than your sister and you will always be surrounded by love.

As for being amazed you still miss your mum - that sentence sums up your sisters attitude in my eyes. You carry on missing your mum sweetheart. Because you loved and cared for your mum you will never will stop missing her and that sums your relationship with your mum up and that's beautiful

Big big hugs xx

 

[Mrsbusy]

I have just been to a family friends funeral who died at 94, amazing lady but was bed ridden for the last two years of her life and moved in with her disabled daughter who looked after her so well. I know she won't mind me telling you this but she also had a sister, who was the opposite to her in every way.

The sister had a foreign home where she went for three months at a time, a motorbike, a big house and a mobile home in this country for holidays. In all the mothers life did she even offer her holiday homes to either of them? No. She complained this year that she had to sell the holiday home in this country as finances were tight. BUT when the family friend died the caring daughter who hadn't slept for a whole night for years, can't drive , is disabled etc arranged the funeral single handled lay of course. When she told the sister the date it had been arranged her response was Do you really want me to come??? I'm going away the following day. At least the caring daughter found it funny.

So as has been previously said you are he winner as other people care about you now and in the future but your sister has missed out on that feeling and her children maybe missed out on their grandmother too.

I've had some awful jobs in my time but this caring one is the most under appreciated, underpaid and under estimated ever! But my conscience is clear, and that's what matters to me.

 

[chrisdee]

I'm a firm believer in that you reap what you sow

Your sister may well find she is treated with indifference by her own family if things take a down turn in the future. After all, she is their role model in how to treat a parent.....

I am with you on this Chemmy. Some people seem to be born selfish. In another context, I have a sister in law who bugged me for years. Only on the phone when money involved,could not be a..ed to turn up for our Silver Wedding, ad nauseum. After being a carer for Mum I know now what is important in life, so have been enabled to let it all go.
She has parents in their 70's and 80's so has the elderly parent passage all ahead of her
..... not that I'm wishing her any particular difficulties of course. Its not that easy getting a celebration together when your Mum has mid/end stage dementia.

 

[Peaceseeker]

Understanding Grouse

Dear justifiable Grouse
You’ve made me feel less alone! Only someone who has cared for a parent with dementia really understand and, similarly, only someone who has experience of an uncooperative sister can know what that feels like too. In fact, it isn’t my mother’s illness that has been difficult to get over, it’s the unbelievable attitude of my only sister (older). Illness cannot be helped, it is how we respond to the sick and vulnerable that matters, surely. Like you, I simply don’t know where their conscience lies.
One thing is for sure, I’d like you as a person not your sister and wish I could give you a physical hug. Carers can cope given kindness, moral support and bits of relief with good grace; it’s a shock when there is callousness from a family member. The Alz rep said ‘don’t try to care on your own’ – what does one do??! Like you, I don’t regret the caring but thought ‘If I’d been an only child I’d have had a normal bereavement’. I also feel the need to have a relationship with my sister (only relation!), as it’s caused so much unhappiness and we were taught/used to share.
Some positive things that helped me (Mum died 6 years ago). First, I had special prayers said for her (I have a faith, hers was broken) and I felt that put her spirit into God’s hands so I go into the church and have a chat with her there. Second, I discovered The Grief Recovery Method website and their Grief Recovery Handbook – interesting!! Then I attended one of their Workshops over 2 days (cost me) but it got over a major issue (all about my sister’s attitude - we know what’s upset us but don’t know how to free ourselves from anger when the offender won’t give what’s needed).
Relations with my sister are very painful and difficult as a result (we’ve met 1 day in 6 years with a counsellor dealing with family relationships, which helped … a bit!). I know of a LOT of siblings that have fallen out for a lifetime over caring for a sick parent. It would help if groups of us with similar issues could meet up, share and give each other big hugs.
Carers trying to live with divisions, have a loving hug from and with me. Bless you for your caring.
With love, Peaceseeker

 

[Cat27]

Dear justifiable Grouse
You’ve made me feel less alone! Only someone who has cared for a parent with dementia really understand and, similarly, only someone who has experience of an uncooperative sister can know what that feels like too. In fact, it isn’t my mother’s illness that has been difficult to get over, it’s the unbelievable attitude of my only sister (older). Illness cannot be helped, it is how we respond to the sick and vulnerable that matters, surely. Like you, I simply don’t know where their conscience lies.
One thing is for sure, I’d like you as a person not your sister and wish I could give you a physical hug. Carers can cope given kindness, moral support and bits of relief with good grace; it’s a shock when there is callousness from a family member. The Alz rep said ‘don’t try to care on your own’ – what does one do??! Like you, I don’t regret the caring but thought ‘If I’d been an only child I’d have had a normal bereavement’. I also feel the need to have a relationship with my sister (only relation!), as it’s caused so much unhappiness and we were taught/used to share.
Some positive things that helped me (Mum died 6 years ago). First, I had special prayers said for her (I have a faith, hers was broken) and I felt that put her spirit into God’s hands so I go into the church and have a chat with her there. Second, I discovered The Grief Recovery Method website and their Grief Recovery Handbook – interesting!! Then I attended one of their Workshops over 2 days (cost me) but it got over a major issue (all about my sister’s attitude - we know what’s upset us but don’t know how to free ourselves from anger when the offender won’t give what’s needed).
Relations with my sister are very painful and difficult as a result (we’ve met 1 day in 6 years with a counsellor dealing with family relationships, which helped … a bit!). I know of a LOT of siblings that have fallen out for a lifetime over caring for a sick parent. It would help if groups of us with similar issues could meet up, share and give each other big hugs.
Carers trying to live with divisions, have a loving hug from and with me. Bless you for your caring.
With love, Peaceseeker

Welcome to TP.

 

[Margarita]

Please can anyone who has been in this situation tell me how to overcome these feelings, they hurt no one but myself. There is no use talking to my sister, she acts like I'm making a fuss over nothing and being pathetic.

God I wish I'd been an only child.

You could try a course called Mindfulness
NHS & Workshop
Cost £50 http://www.bemindfulonline.com

Practising mindfulness is a mind-body approach to life that helps us to relate differently to experiences. It involves paying attention to our thoughts and feelings in a way that increases our ability to manage difficult situations and make wise choices.

It's free to start the course and it's easy-to-follow with step-by-step guidance throughout. In as little as 4 weeks you'll be rewarded with mindfulness skills that'll last a life-time! /QUOTE]


I enrolled, Joined its all done on line .

 

[grouse]

thanks for all responses here.

peaceseeker, you seem to understand exactly what I'm talking about. Its so hard to deal with and so hard to let go. In my case, theres no karma, or whatever its called. Her life has just got better and better since mum died, shes now retired and spends months abroad in the sun and has her grown up children with their families all around her when she is in this country. Her life is full and rich and I honestly and truly would like something not to go her way for once and for her to experience a tenth of how I've been feeling these last few years. That may sound callous, but thats how I feel. She's doing brilliant, she never went near mum when she was here and never thought of me caring for mum, when my kids were still in primary. She showed up at the funeral then went away the next day. I cleared mums home alone, it was awful. She never asked what I did with any of mums things. She has no regrets and doesnt care.

Oh well.

 

[grouse]

I had a big think about this last night. I came to the conclusion, we are what we are. I had a very close and loving relationship with both my parents, my sister will never be able to say the same, no matter how much she kids herself.

That means a lot to me.

 

[Raggedrobin]

Hi grouse
I have an invisible sister and while it still rankles at times, especially when I am overtired from visiting Mum and dealing with every little thing, it has finally crept out why she is like that. She told me (and had never done so before) that she resented various things Mum had said or done in her childhood. Mum could be a bit harsh, but I guess it didn't affect me in the same way but it was a bit of a eureka moment to realise that my sister was invisible because actually she really disliked my mother, not just because she was selfish. (Although she is that too a bit ) So it helped to know there was some sort of reason behind it.

As to the thing about your sister being so happy, my sister has always gone on about what a wonderful life she has, making me feel mine is never adequately happy but now I realise this is just a weird way some people project an image of themselves. She may be materially better off than you but then life just isn't fair on that front.

On the karma front, I firmly believe that this doesn't work out and I think we become very ungracious when we wish bad karma on people, even though it is very tempting. Bitterness is an evil thing. You may not be getting the love you need from your sister, so time to give that love to yourself, Maybe a bit of counselling or cbt to help your thought processes realign. This resentment sounds like it is all muddled up with grief, I suggest you need help to see past it, give yourself that kindness.

Re contact with you sister, my Mum asked us to remain in touch, simply by sending birthday and xmas cards each year, to know the other is still going. That is what I now do, no other contact. You may have lost your sister in a sense but the world is full of lovely women who can be your honorary sister, I have several female friends who have helped so much in filling the sister gap. So take strength and love from those around you who give willingly and cultivate them as your life support system instead?

 

[Peaceseeker]

Grouse - you seem to understand exactly what I'm talking about. Its so hard to deal w

Hello again Dear Grouse
Yes, I do understand the pain, you’ve made me feel less alone again, thank you! It’s difficult to resolve the emotions. I also agree that a suggestion of karma without letting out the pain would magnify/escalate hurt feelings. I relate more to The King’s Speech where he couldn’t function and the speech therapist asked about his childhood, then if he knew any bad words “sh**” came, then did he know any more? ………….Wow!!! The therapist was needed in the background to generate harmony and understanding in order for the King to speak. I think we feel a bit the same?!
I hope you’ve had some GOOD counselling, you’ll need it. I also understand how difficult it is to ‘let go’ of one’s sister, they are important to us, but what happened in both our cases has been horrendous. Not only did we lose our Mums at the end of huge strain, you also lost your sister, except she’s still alive and that is much harder to cope with.
House clearance alone is a Big Issue that I had too. I think it's important to do what one can to prevent regrets later ... I was told a useful bit of basic psychology – We love our parents, sometimes we hate them, but underneath it all a child will always love their parent. That can be difficult if a parent has let us down, but life’s circumstances are often Difficult. I'm glad to have had reconciliation within life and 'completed' that relationship. Perhaps unresolved resentment might be one reason why my sis not only didn’t help, but got at me so harshly because I was seen to be doing what she felt she ought to but wouldn’t/couldn’t/didn’t. However, I’m left with PTSD, unnecessarily, grrrrr! Getting burnt out is easy enough in dealing with Alz alone, without difficulties from our only family member. Anyone out there with a solution?
Grief Recovery articles ‘Less than loved ones, hopes and dreams’, and ‘I’m fine and other lies’ (internet search) sum a lot up as to why someone who doesn’t help then avoids any contact or association. Oddly enough, I think my sis isn’t in a good place really because issues haven't been faced, but without resolution and normal/healthy interaction that we crave, it impacts back onto us, doesn’t it? There needs to be more support and guidance for carers and after effects.
A school-friend who couldn’t imagine falling out with her sister, now has the same situ as us and has been looking after her old Mum for 3 years daily after her sister chose excuses and backed out. She fears having to clear the house alone, which I’ve said I’ll help her with. So there’s another one. We need each other because deep schisms & bad memories wreck lives and life shouldn’t be this way.
Bless you for your caring, out with the demons, out, out, and peace be with you, don’t feel alone.
Love, Peaceseeker

 

[grouse]

thank you, everyone who replied here.

It'll take time, I think.

 

[grouse]

I don't know if anyone who posted on my thread is still around on the forum, but I just wanted to come back and say that time did help.......my feelings towards my sister are still the same and nothing has changed, except I've got on with my own life and have let her go, I really don't care if I ever see her again and she doesn't upset me so much as she did when I started the thread......as others have said, she isn't worth my feelings.