Still lost!

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
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Essex
Hope everyone is ok. I am feeling really down today it was a year ago that my Mum came home after spending 5 weeks in hospital then 4 weeks in a care home while we completed the work to a new bathroom for mum, which she was never able to use. It hurts so much that my darling Mum was only home for 7 weeks and then I lost her forever, I miss her so much

How lucky she was to have you. May her dear sweet soul rest in peace. xxx
 

count2ten

Registered User
Dec 13, 2013
186
0
Hi everyone , how is everyone doing today? Thinking of you Sasky and Carabosse, Elzabet, Molly and Chick. The sun has been helping a bit lately, been able to get out in the garden and do a few things. But feel like I've gone into some kind of denial now, still keep expecting to see her when I pop into her house, and yesterday just found myself turning the car into the road where the CH is .. .. and still having big problems concentrating on anything, find myself arriving somewhere and wonder how I got there! And if I sit still too long that's when I start turning things over in my mind and start all the blame and guilt again and have to give myself a good talking to. Does anyone else have trouble finishing sentences ? I just find myself waffling and talking a load of rubbish (some would say nothing new there then! ). Thought about a tatoo but too much of a coward as well Carabosse! But getting some jewellery from the ashes instead. I know I can;t post them on here but loads of websites offering this. Big hugs and warmest thoughts to everyone. This thread is so helpful to us all I think., xx
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
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I'm having some unwanted side effects from the new medication, I hope they will settle down soon.

count2ten, you are not alone there. I still have problems trying to distinguish dreams from reality, since my dreams are the 'real' type it gets confusing as to exactly what is real and what isn't. Like you I keep expecting mum to be in her room or some other part of the house, but alas that's not the case. Yes still doing the blame thing, and the what if's and if I had to do things all over again what I would do differently, I think its just part of our nature to be thinking could we have done something differently that could have made a difference, the answer is probably no, we know that but still we keep thinking we could have done more, or at least I do.
Funny you should say that about waffling, I do find I am talking out loud around the house as if mum was still there, why I am doing it I have no idea, maybe make me feel better (not working)? There are times when I say 'why am I talking to myself?', mum would have said as long as I don't answer myself I should be fine or else the guys in the white coats will turn up!

I am still missing my mum, it still feels like yesterday this all happened.
 

elizabet

Registered User
Mar 26, 2013
224
0
Southampton
Hi everyone,
I was wondering how everyone is on this thread as it has been rather quiet of late.
They say time is a healer. certainly the grief is less intense and I am busy living life to the full. However, I will NEVER forget MUM, little things spark off memories and sometimes I wish I could put the clock back and give and receive a Mum hug and cuddle.
At my church I am involved in making everyone dementia aware and we are working on an action plan to enable the church to gain dementia friendly status. I feel this will help inform folk about dementia and I am sure my Mum would have approved of me doing this work.

Carabosse I am sorry to hear your medication is giving you side effects how does your doctor advise you about them?
Does the cat still come around - and have you been busy in your garden.
best wishes,
Elizabeth
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
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Hi elizabet, yes my Dr knows about the side effects, I am going to keep going with them to see if they subside, so fingers crossed.

I was thinking the other day (well most days), that I will never hold mum again, nor will I be able to kiss her or do anything else, its not a thought I like as there is nothing I can do about it. I hope I never forget mum (or dad), I just couldn't imagine it, I am constantly thinking of the good times but sometimes the bad things creep in (mostly at night).

Yes the cat still comes round, I think she has separation anxiety as if she is outside when I go to visit the elderly neighbour, she follows me, if I go down the town (which doesn't happen much) she will meow loudly and follow me a bit.

Potatoes are in and sorted, took a bit of extra time but its done. Cutting up onions to freeze, but its not something you can do in one go, have to keep stopping to wipe eyes and blow my nose!

It has been a bit quiet on here, but I'm sure everyone is around somewhere?
 

molly11

Registered User
Jan 24, 2011
75
0
Lancashire
Hi everyone,
So sorry it's been so long since I posted. I have been thinking of you all. It's been mad around here with 2 extra children to look after and other stuff which I won't bore you with.
Sonetimes it's too painful to post, I really want to, but I can't. Does that make sense? I'm happier than I have been since my dad died, which makes me feel guilty. My dad is still I'm my thoughts every day, and it pains me immensely on how much he is missing out on. My mum had a new partner (if I said before, sorry) he's a lovely man, a widower and I'm very fond of him. He's very kind and does odd jobs for me- to say thankyou I did a big roast dinner for us all. I was very upset that night after they'd gone and didn't know why- just sat crying to "Dad" songs. My bf pointed out that it was the first time someone else had taken my Dad's place during a big meal. I felt so guilty. I know my Daddy would want us to move on, but it felt disloyal and wrong.
Sorry I haven't commented on your particular posts- iphone won't let me scroll up.
Much love to you all xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
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Hi molly11, how come you have 2 extra children if you don't mind me asking?
What you are feeling makes complete sense, I think of mum nearly all the time. I think mum would have liked this or that, its the same when I see shoes/ clothes, its really strange not buying things for her.
Your bf is right, you are probably thinking, how dare he that's my dads chair, or he will never take my dads place, not that I think he is trying to, its just the thoughts that go through your mind.
 

count2ten

Registered User
Dec 13, 2013
186
0
Hello everyone, been such a long time since I posted on this thread, is that a good sign or what , I don't know. Despite the gloomy weather ,mum's birthday and the dreaded first xmas looming up I am feeling a bit more alive and getting some energy back. The sadness still overwhelms us most days but we are starting to laugh again and spending more time together as a family, without so much of the guilt and heaviness of the past few months. Can't cope with all the christmas stuff at the moment, I have to walk out of shops and places with all the music and lights going on. This will be my first ever xmas without her - I would love to just disappear for a week or so, but not just me to think about so will have to take it one day/hour at a time and get through all these "firsts" together.

We buried her ashes in the place she wanted, - took a lot of searching, phone calls and emails, trying to find the family plot - never knew there were so many petty rules and regulations around where, when, how etc. Still haven't cleared the house, probably leave it till the new year. It feels too early to be letting go , I don't think it's really sunk in still that she is no longer here. I talk to her all the time, I've been told this is normal so it's good to know I'm not going loopy. What seems strange , I tend to get answers that I would never have thought of by myself. Maybe this is the way that people live on after they pass, all those memories stored away for us to call on when we need a bit of reassurance.

I hope everyone is doing ok, I will try and post a bit more often now that the fog in my head has started to clear. Sending big warm cyber hugs to everyone here xxxx
 

count2ten

Registered User
Dec 13, 2013
186
0
Hope everyone is ok. I am feeling really down today it was a year ago that my Mum came home after spending 5 weeks in hospital then 4 weeks in a care home while we completed the work to a new bathroom for mum, which she was never able to use. It hurts so much that my darling Mum was only home for 7 weeks and then I lost her forever, I miss her so much


Hi Sasky, I visited the site today and thought of you - just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending my warmest wishes and biggest hugs xxxx
 

molly11

Registered User
Jan 24, 2011
75
0
Lancashire
Hello everyone,

I'm terrible for remembering what everyone said, so I'm sorry if I miss anyone. Count 2 ten, much love and strength to you.
Sasky how are you after your recent anniversary- very tough- my thoughts and love.
Carabosse- my boyfriend has 2 children- we have them a few times a week.

So it's close to Christmas. It's an awful time when you're missing/grieving a special person. How are you all feeling?
My best thoughts and wishes,
Molly11
(Just Molly is fine!)
Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

count2ten

Registered User
Dec 13, 2013
186
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Thanks Molly for posting lovely words and thoughts for everyone, that's all we can do for each other , specially as you say at this time of year. It's just all the music everywhere you go, the t.v. adverts, all the decorations in the shops, you can't get away from it. But I'm trying to be positive for my family, we are all going to get through this one day at a time, with no expectations - after all, it's just another day.

Love and hugs to everyone , so thankful for TP.

xxxx
 

count2ten

Registered User
Dec 13, 2013
186
0
Found this quote from Cara1964 from another thread earlier this year -

"But the most powerful thought that has 'settled' me in the time since is that she would not want me to be distraught or desperately unhappy but to get on with living life. Most particularly she would not want her grandchildren to suffer seeing their mother not coping or my marriage put at risk because of the strain."

it's very similar to something a friend of a friend said to me a few weeks ago when I was unable to stop the tears , I had got to the point where I was crying everywhere I went, and this person was almost a stranger to me but his words seemed to give me some comfort. He was just trying to help me, maybe it sounds flippant but he reckoned that my mother had worried about me all my life and now she deserves to enjoy herself with all the people she is now reunited with , and that everytime I get upset she has to start worrying about me again!. I don't know if will help anyone else, we all have such different depths of loss and sadess to cope with. Yes, I miss my mum and can';t believe I will never see or hear her again, but this stranger's words somehow helps me whenever I get upset, and I think yes my mother had a hard life and now she deserves to have some peace and quiet. And I feel I owe it to her to live my life as full as I can and support her beloved grandchildren and try and pass on all the love and values that she instilled in me.
 
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elizabet

Registered User
Mar 26, 2013
224
0
Southampton
A lovely post. That is the legacy to give to our children/grandchildren ( in my case when I have any) the love and values which our departed parents gave to us to make us the adults we are now.
It will be two years on 29th Dec that my Mum died. Just recently I have been having the most vivid dreams about her and the family house- in fact last night she had somehow got herself back into that house even though there is a new occupier in it. -it was weird yet quite comforting.
The angst of her death has eased as time has passed but the memories are always there, I miss buying her things, miss phoning to say I am back from recent travels abroad and bringing her back an elephant (just been to Sri Lanka). Christmas will always be a poignant time but we will toast absent family members on Christmas day, shed a tear but be happy that she lived and nurtured me.

Hugs for all who are not looking forward to the Festive season because of bereavements.
best wishes,
Elizabet
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
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Hello everyone, its getting to my favourite time of the year, winter. The only thing is it just doesn't seem the same without mum, this will be my second Christmas without her (although it feels like a lifetime) there's no going shopping together, no decorating the tree, no baking, no nothing, and there never will be again. Needless to say I am not putting up any decorations or the tree this year either, I don't see any point.
 

Sasky

Registered User
Jan 29, 2014
103
0
Ashford, Kent
Oh Carabosse I feel exactly the same as you. Although this is my second Christmas without my Mum, as she died 6 weeks before Christmas with all the things you have to do and of course the funeral was only 4 weeks before Christmas, so I was in a daze over Christmas. What I am trying to say is that this feels like the first Christmas without my Mum. Like you I can't bring myself to do anything at all. Also I have found that I am extremely tearful

I will be glad when it's all over
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
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This will also be my second Christmas without mum, and sasky (like you) it seems like the first. I did buy one of those light up candles, it has water with glitter in and changes colour, thought although it may look tacky to some it will remind me of mum and dad, not that I need reminding!
 

elizabet

Registered User
Mar 26, 2013
224
0
Southampton
Hi Carabosse, Glad to read you have bought a special candle and when you light it on Christmas day it is a lovely way to remember the happy times you had with your parents.
This will be the second Christmas for me without my Mum. Also at the gathering on Christmas day with my husband's family one member lost his wife last year, and brother in laws Mum died last Christmas too so no doubt there will be some emotions felt as we drink to absent friends and family this year.
Do you still see the cat?
We have passed the winter solstice so here in the south of England the days start to get lighter by 2 minutes each day It will soon be spring!
Take care, best wishes,
Elizabeth.
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
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Thank goodness that's over for another year, although I didn't do anything (except the candle I mentioned in earlier post) its good to get back to some sort of normality, depending on what normality is? I missed having mum (and dad) around whilst watching the like of 'A Muppets Christmas Carol', it was something we always watched. I just miss them both terribly.
The candle is artificial, it has a fake flame and is battery operated.
Yes the cat is still around, she had taken to sitting/ sleeping on the windowsill, now she is back to wanting to sit on my lap, when I say sit I mean sleep for hours!
It hasn't been very cold here for Winter, we have had a couple of cold nights but where is the 'bad winter for 50 years' the forecasters were on about?
 

elizabet

Registered User
Mar 26, 2013
224
0
Southampton
Middle of January

Hi Carabosse,
I was also glad when Christmas and the New Year were behind me.
Although it was 2 years on from the death of my MUm on 29th Dec I still allowed myself to grieve, especially when I got next to a hearse in a funeral convoy at some traffic lights on the same date exactly 2 years ago since her funeral.

I hope there is a little shaft of light in your tunnel Carabosse. Glad the cat is still visiting you. have you thought about getting a cat of your own, maybe one from a local animal rescue shelter who needs lots of love . We have snow forecast for later, it is bitterly cold and frosty, and I worry about all the daffodils and other spring plants that have started to bloom here so early.
Take care,
Elizabet.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Thank goodness that's over for another year, although I didn't do anything (except the candle I mentioned in earlier post) its good to get back to some sort of normality, depending on what normality is? I missed having mum (and dad) around whilst watching the like of 'A Muppets Christmas Carol', it was something we always watched. I just miss them both terribly.
The candle is artificial, it has a fake flame and is battery operated.
Yes the cat is still around, she had taken to sitting/ sleeping on the windowsill, now she is back to wanting to sit on my lap, when I say sit I mean sleep for hours!
It hasn't been very cold here for Winter, we have had a couple of cold nights but where is the 'bad winter for 50 years' the forecasters were on about?

Sending loving thoughts to you xxx