Hello there
I don't post frequently on this Forum and feel guilty because I only come here when I need support myself. I have two elderly parents with mental health problems and no siblings. I also feel guilty because I know a lot of you do a lot more than I do. I also know that my parents' cognitive problems are mild compared to many. This is the only place though where I have found people understand and offer helpful advice. I am sorry it is a long post but for anybody who can be bothered to read it, I am asking for a view on the same thing I was in 2012 - does my dad have dementia or is he just very badly behaved?
I started posting in 2012 because I was very concerned about my dad (now 82) bullying my mum (now 80). Although at present they have been temporarily separated since early August, when they were together bullying was severe, verbal and physical. He will pace, punch at her, kick at her, push his face into hers, scream as loudly as he can. He has always been aggressive at times but really this regular intense and disinhibited behaviour strated with the strokes. He does this to me as well, regularly telling me to 'get out of his house' and has gone through long periods when he will not speak to me on the phone. The punches and kicks mainly do not connect and seem to be intended to intimidate rather than hurt but sometimes do connect, which they will both describe as an 'accident'. However for court papers I have obtained evidence from medical, nursing and police records of five separate injuries since 2011. She loves him and tends to normalise his behaviour. He was diagnosed with small vessel disease in 2011 following two strokes, he has made a good recovery from these and also surgery for stage bowel cancer earlier on this year. He gets no treatment for mental health and has refused further assessments since a CPN assessment in January 2014 found him within the 'normal' range.
Mum had an Addenbrookes score of 78 when last assessed so officially 'mild cognitive impairment', plus many physical problems and can barely walk - when I first posted in 2012 she was fit, well and doing everything for him. Up till August they lived together in their jointly-owned home. I live 50 miles away, work full time, get over there 2-3x a week. Dad has regularly expressed his disgust that I do so little for them.
Mum spent three months in hospital in 2013 when she broke her pelvis in a fall and during that time she and I started talking about what was going on. I was advised and supported in this by people on here who did warn me how hard things might get. It was suggested in hospital she go into residential care but she refused, 'why should I lose my home because of what he has done?'. She was discharged with an 'enhanced' (4x a day) package of care with a remit partly to monitor domestic violence. They have substantial savings so are self-funding. These carers do all her personal care meals and laundry although when mum was first discharged dad insisted on doing everything himself so his behaviour was attributed by some to 'carer stress'. He has consistently tried to get rid of mum's carers, racially abusing and physically attacking them.
To cut a very long story short, he has now been visited by police several times, arrested twice and charged with ABH and GBH, for cutting her hand to the tendons (defensive wound) and kicking her. Both times the charges have been dropped by the CPS because it was 'not in the public interest' to prosecute. In 2014 he spent two months living in a hostel (his choice, he could have come to me but it is 50 miles away and he did not want to). Mum would not take him to court privately at that time or provide a witness statement against him, so he came home in July. I think everybody hoped he would mend his ways, but she was getting injured again by the end of November.
Following his cancer treatment in May this year, mum's care package was extended to include personal care, meal preparation and laundry for him. However he came out of hospital consumed with rage, proceeded to get rid of his own carers and tried to get rid of mum's. Their cleaner walked out when he screamed at her, mum argued with him about this and he kicked her and threatened to kill her, leading to the last arrest.
When he returned home after being arrested, the Police got in touch to propose a Domestic Violence Protection Order which would keep him away for 28 days while she made her mind up about what to do. Social services agreed to temporarily house him in a sheltered flat in their home town which is due for demolition (not at all as grim as it sounds, the flats are recently refurbished and 40 years old). This time she (well, I) got a Solicitor and applied for a Non Molestation Order (supposedly preventing him from harassing her) and an Occupation Order (the important part - keeping him away from their home).
Dad's demeanour has changed from aggressive to meek and mild (this also happened last year when he was in the hostel) and he is very open to help from me although still liable to get into rages if he does not get what he wants.
The judge agreed to the Non Molestation order and temporarily banned him from going within 50m of their home, but adjourned the Occupation Order pending further hearings. The next one is on 9th November and dad still does not have representation. He seemingly has told the social worker he does not want to be represented. He says he is not able to use his mobile phone to call any numbers he has been given because the numbers 'do not work'.
Dad is physically getting frailer and seems to be getting mentally more confused. Last week he got into a rage with me because while I was cleaning his flat I was not doing enough to help him find his lower dentures, which could be clearly seen in his mouth at the time. He has agreed to a new assessment at the Memory Clinic and the GP has written, I believe asking for a more specialised assessment this time. Dad's social worker seems to want me to arrange representation for him, but there is a conflict of interest as I am a witness for mum and working closely with her solicitor.
Has anybody encountered anything remotely like this??? I am confused and exhausted. If the Occupation Order is given permanently (and the hearings will not be concluded it seems until well into 2016) dad will need somewhere to live. If it isn't, he intends to go back into their home, which I cannot contemplate. Am I doing enough for him? For her? Is this dementia, or plain abusive behaviour? We live in a privately rented house with stairs, which mum cannot manage at all and dad barely can. My husband is not prepared to have him living with us due to his behaviour and also fairly severe incontinence problems, which i think could be managed but respect my husband's view - when he visited us recently the bathroom was covered in faeces (which he did try to clean up) and he was flushing his pull-up Tena pants, which would have got furious denials if we had asked him about it but would inevitably block drains. Mum likes the area where she lives and has consistently said living closer to us would not work. Her friends who are seeing him around their home town are telling her what a terrible state he is in. They have met up once for coffee and cake and she could see that is not completely true but maybe I am biased.
Thank you for reading to the end. I know it's unusual, and in many ways probably easier than what many of you are going through with severe dementia - but this is the only place where people don't seem to be intimidated by the sheer awfulness and grind of it. I need some wisdom please any suggestions at all.
I don't post frequently on this Forum and feel guilty because I only come here when I need support myself. I have two elderly parents with mental health problems and no siblings. I also feel guilty because I know a lot of you do a lot more than I do. I also know that my parents' cognitive problems are mild compared to many. This is the only place though where I have found people understand and offer helpful advice. I am sorry it is a long post but for anybody who can be bothered to read it, I am asking for a view on the same thing I was in 2012 - does my dad have dementia or is he just very badly behaved?
I started posting in 2012 because I was very concerned about my dad (now 82) bullying my mum (now 80). Although at present they have been temporarily separated since early August, when they were together bullying was severe, verbal and physical. He will pace, punch at her, kick at her, push his face into hers, scream as loudly as he can. He has always been aggressive at times but really this regular intense and disinhibited behaviour strated with the strokes. He does this to me as well, regularly telling me to 'get out of his house' and has gone through long periods when he will not speak to me on the phone. The punches and kicks mainly do not connect and seem to be intended to intimidate rather than hurt but sometimes do connect, which they will both describe as an 'accident'. However for court papers I have obtained evidence from medical, nursing and police records of five separate injuries since 2011. She loves him and tends to normalise his behaviour. He was diagnosed with small vessel disease in 2011 following two strokes, he has made a good recovery from these and also surgery for stage bowel cancer earlier on this year. He gets no treatment for mental health and has refused further assessments since a CPN assessment in January 2014 found him within the 'normal' range.
Mum had an Addenbrookes score of 78 when last assessed so officially 'mild cognitive impairment', plus many physical problems and can barely walk - when I first posted in 2012 she was fit, well and doing everything for him. Up till August they lived together in their jointly-owned home. I live 50 miles away, work full time, get over there 2-3x a week. Dad has regularly expressed his disgust that I do so little for them.
Mum spent three months in hospital in 2013 when she broke her pelvis in a fall and during that time she and I started talking about what was going on. I was advised and supported in this by people on here who did warn me how hard things might get. It was suggested in hospital she go into residential care but she refused, 'why should I lose my home because of what he has done?'. She was discharged with an 'enhanced' (4x a day) package of care with a remit partly to monitor domestic violence. They have substantial savings so are self-funding. These carers do all her personal care meals and laundry although when mum was first discharged dad insisted on doing everything himself so his behaviour was attributed by some to 'carer stress'. He has consistently tried to get rid of mum's carers, racially abusing and physically attacking them.
To cut a very long story short, he has now been visited by police several times, arrested twice and charged with ABH and GBH, for cutting her hand to the tendons (defensive wound) and kicking her. Both times the charges have been dropped by the CPS because it was 'not in the public interest' to prosecute. In 2014 he spent two months living in a hostel (his choice, he could have come to me but it is 50 miles away and he did not want to). Mum would not take him to court privately at that time or provide a witness statement against him, so he came home in July. I think everybody hoped he would mend his ways, but she was getting injured again by the end of November.
Following his cancer treatment in May this year, mum's care package was extended to include personal care, meal preparation and laundry for him. However he came out of hospital consumed with rage, proceeded to get rid of his own carers and tried to get rid of mum's. Their cleaner walked out when he screamed at her, mum argued with him about this and he kicked her and threatened to kill her, leading to the last arrest.
When he returned home after being arrested, the Police got in touch to propose a Domestic Violence Protection Order which would keep him away for 28 days while she made her mind up about what to do. Social services agreed to temporarily house him in a sheltered flat in their home town which is due for demolition (not at all as grim as it sounds, the flats are recently refurbished and 40 years old). This time she (well, I) got a Solicitor and applied for a Non Molestation Order (supposedly preventing him from harassing her) and an Occupation Order (the important part - keeping him away from their home).
Dad's demeanour has changed from aggressive to meek and mild (this also happened last year when he was in the hostel) and he is very open to help from me although still liable to get into rages if he does not get what he wants.
The judge agreed to the Non Molestation order and temporarily banned him from going within 50m of their home, but adjourned the Occupation Order pending further hearings. The next one is on 9th November and dad still does not have representation. He seemingly has told the social worker he does not want to be represented. He says he is not able to use his mobile phone to call any numbers he has been given because the numbers 'do not work'.
Dad is physically getting frailer and seems to be getting mentally more confused. Last week he got into a rage with me because while I was cleaning his flat I was not doing enough to help him find his lower dentures, which could be clearly seen in his mouth at the time. He has agreed to a new assessment at the Memory Clinic and the GP has written, I believe asking for a more specialised assessment this time. Dad's social worker seems to want me to arrange representation for him, but there is a conflict of interest as I am a witness for mum and working closely with her solicitor.
Has anybody encountered anything remotely like this??? I am confused and exhausted. If the Occupation Order is given permanently (and the hearings will not be concluded it seems until well into 2016) dad will need somewhere to live. If it isn't, he intends to go back into their home, which I cannot contemplate. Am I doing enough for him? For her? Is this dementia, or plain abusive behaviour? We live in a privately rented house with stairs, which mum cannot manage at all and dad barely can. My husband is not prepared to have him living with us due to his behaviour and also fairly severe incontinence problems, which i think could be managed but respect my husband's view - when he visited us recently the bathroom was covered in faeces (which he did try to clean up) and he was flushing his pull-up Tena pants, which would have got furious denials if we had asked him about it but would inevitably block drains. Mum likes the area where she lives and has consistently said living closer to us would not work. Her friends who are seeing him around their home town are telling her what a terrible state he is in. They have met up once for coffee and cake and she could see that is not completely true but maybe I am biased.
Thank you for reading to the end. I know it's unusual, and in many ways probably easier than what many of you are going through with severe dementia - but this is the only place where people don't seem to be intimidated by the sheer awfulness and grind of it. I need some wisdom please any suggestions at all.
He badly needs expert help.
