Constant Complaining/Is this a Feature of Dementia?

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
No Jackie, you are not going nuts. I think many of us can relate to that. it is especially difficult when they wont go to the doctors. BTW - Im sorry that your GP is not more helpful. I see that you are in USA - in UK doctors will still do house calls (albeit unwillingly and you have to persuade them), so Im afraid that I dont know what to suggest.
 

Kerryblue

Registered User
Oct 4, 2015
42
0
Re constant complainig

Just want to say with my mum we have had some classics...... This celery is too green being one of them. This toast is too square. I can back up that I use distraction as the best way of stopping the moaning, at least for a while.... Each day you must never know what or who you are going to deal with. I have found anti depressants have helped a little bit (for me too) but moaning I think can be part of Alzheimers. My mum has always been quite a complaining person though .......










I googled and tried to find posts here about this issue but cannot. Briefly my mother, age 88, suffers with congestive heart failure, pretty advanced and possible dementia, undiagnosed. Brother has POA and will not get a neurological work up done. I believe he may be in denial. I see symptoms of it (memory loss, confusion, misunderstanding that I say, etc).
She “complains” constantly about her physical problems (all real). She also about it being too hot, too cold, her house (what is broken down), and, finally about her three children. One fixes things but they always break, another has done this or that. One day, one is good, the other is not. We are four who are trying to help her, but it is overwhelming. The others do not listen for more than three minutes. For me, it is literally hours.
This is a complete turn-around. She was always easy-going and even-tempered. Now she is quick to anger. I know she is suffering and I listen, but it gets hard. I just want to know if this is feature of dementia and/or her illness which has majorly impacted her life. She is homebound, ill, lonely, and very depressed.
Also, she frequently cancels doctor appointments. Yesterday she had an appointment with two doctors, one to start her on anti-depressants and another for the various physical problems she has. She cancelled because it was too cold out. This happens often. She would be going by car, so it is hard for me to understand. It is beginning to affect me emotionally, yet I don’t want to be unsupportive. Thank you. Any links to this would be helpful.
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
3,693
0
Just want to say with my mum we have had some classics...... This celery is too green being one of them. . .

Oh - that is a classic!

Mil's best one is an oft repeated complaint made when her hair is being washed - she gives me a telling off, nearly every time for getting the skin on her head wet - quite how I'm supposed to wash her hair and keep her scalp dry is beyond me . . .
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
Just want to say with my mum we have had some classics...... This celery is too green being one of them. This toast is too square. I can back up that I use distraction as the best way of stopping the moaning, at least for a while.... Each day you must never know what or who you are going to deal with. I have found anti depressants have helped a little bit (for me too) but moaning I think can be part of Alzheimers. My mum has always been quite a complaining person though .......

The green celery and Square toast made me laugh, and reminded me that sometimes, just sometimes, I could help my husband see that some of his complaints were funny. I'd laugh and treat what he'd said as though he'd made a clever joke, and he'd respond by laughing with me.
Other complaints couldn't just be laughed off, and I'd say something like " I'm sorry that must be so annoying" and then try to change the subject.
It does drag you down...and you do have my utmost sympathy.....
 

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
0
USA
My mother, never a "swearer" now swears a bit. Nothing too awful. I found that by using swear words with her, not at her, about the awful situation, etc., helps her a bit. I don't quite understand why though. You know like to h*** to with or that, etc. Then she says "that helps" and "yes".
 

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
0
USA
Just want to say with my mum we have had some classics...... This celery is too green being one of them. This toast is too square. I can back up that I use distraction as the best way of stopping the moaning, at least for a while.... Each day you must never know what or who you are going to deal with. I have found anti depressants have helped a little bit (for me too) but moaning I think can be part of Alzheimers. My mum has always been quite a complaining person though .......


This was funny!!! Thanks for making me laugh. Much needed.
 

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
0
USA
Last question here: Did any of you ever feel (early on and before a diagnosis) that you were, possibly, the confused one. This is hard to explain, but I get so confused trying to follow her in a talk that I have wondered if it is "me". Perhaps being confused is a way of staying in denial, still.
 

Batsue

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
4,893
0
Scotland
Hi Jackie, I was always sure it was my mum with the problem but she still tells me that I am not quite right in the head when I don't know what she is talking about. :rolleyes:
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
Last question here: Did any of you ever feel (early on and before a diagnosis) that you were, possibly, the confused one. This is hard to explain, but I get so confused trying to follow her in a talk that I have wondered if it is "me". Perhaps being confused is a way of staying in denial, still.

Yes! I'd say to people is it me or?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Last question here: Did any of you ever feel (early on and before a diagnosis) that you were, possibly, the confused one. This is hard to explain, but I get so confused trying to follow her in a talk that I have wondered if it is "me". Perhaps being confused is a way of staying in denial, still.



As to trying to follow conversations, there are times when I feel that I am in an all day, surreal game of 20 questions. There have been times when I wondered if I was developing dementia too.........
 

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
0
USA
Apologizing?

Recap: My mother, 88, congestive heart failure/advanced and possible cognitive impairment or early dementia (not diagnosed)
Yesterday my mother called me and started apologizing for the way she has been treating me (angry, angered, complaining, whatever). I told her "no apology necessary". I understand. And, she said "I feel closest to you because you understand". So what does this mean? How do they 'come back' for a bit and then they are gone again? I feel guilty now for my previous post regarding her complaining.
 
Last edited:

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
0
USA
As to trying to follow conversations, there are times when I feel that I am in an all day, surreal game of 20 questions. There have been times when I wondered if I was developing dementia too.........

Canary: Thank you so much for saying this. I guess it IS crazy-making, then.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Recap: My mother, 88, congestive heart failure/advanced and possible cognitive impairment or early dementia (not diagnosed)
Yesterday my mother called me and started apologizing for the way she has been treating me (angry, angered, complaining, whatever). I told her "no apology necessary". I understand. And, she said "I feel closest to you because you understand". So what does this mean? How do they 'come back' for a bit and then they are gone again? I feel guilty now for my previous post regarding her complaining.

People with dementia often have good and bad days and in the earlier stages their personalities "flip" even more often. I used to think it was like being with Jekyll and Hyde, she could change 100% within about half an hour. And then change back again!
She could go from saying "oh you are all so good, I dont know what Id do without you" to "you are all stealing from me and I dont want you in my house ever again" at the drop of a hat.
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
By the end of her life, I'd say my Mum was giving the impression of being 98% "normal". You could have perfectly sane conversations with her and then she'd come in with " When I was at the shops this morning I....." whilst lying in her bed, wearing pj tops and very little else,:eek: not being capable of standing or walking......:rolleyes::D

....and yes, I too, uttered those magic words...


" Is it just me????":D:D:D
 

GillU

Registered User
Oct 18, 2015
11
0
In a weird sort of way it's so good to be reading these posts! My mum is exactly the same, and sometimes it's so difficult to follow the conversation I begin to think I'm the one who is more confused!

I try to write everything on her calender, but now she forgets to look at it before ringing me to find out why I haven't turned up (on the wrong day!). I'd written that I would go last Sat afternoon to do some gardening for her and called her after lunch to say I'd be there shortly, this is the jist of the conversation.....

Me : Hi Mum!
Mum : Have you had an accident?
Me : No, why?
Mum : Well are you seriously ill then?
Me : No, why what's wrong?
Mum : Well you haven't rang me to tell me you're coming!
Me : Oh sorry, I've been out and about this morning, it's on your calender, I'll be there in 15 mins to do your garden.
Mum : I'd have thought that if you had a sore throat and can't speak you'd have got someone to ring me?
Me : I haven't got a sore throat, I'm fine.
Mum : Well I don't know that do I? I've been sitting here worried to death.
Me : Well why don't you ring me instead of worrying? I don't know that you're worrying!
Mum : Because if you've got a sore throat you probably won't answer!

AARRGGGHHHHH!!! :):):) Keep smiling!
 

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
0
USA
Yes! I'd say to people is it me or?

Wow. So much validation re 'is it me'. I don't know how to contact a moderator so I will ask you a question? I am posting a lot and since it is early stage (if at all ... as I am no doctor and we have no diagnosis), I worry that it may seem unfair to others who have been through so much more. If so, I will cut it down a lot. I am very grateful as I have suspected for over l.5 years re possible dementia and she has been ill for over eight years with heart failure .. so many falls (and I wonder if falls are connected to alzheimers, not asking another question), so many hospitalizations, nursing home rehabs, and I feel so stressed. Brother with POA has obviously burned out a bit. I am trying to get my Mom to allow me to take her to doctor even though the doctor may not share information with me. She has so many medical issues that need attending to. Thanks again.
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,161
0
Falls can be connected to vascular dementia. (I don't know about Alzheimer's.)
Have a look at this:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/vascular-dementia/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

In my father's case the symptoms didn't present in nice clear-cut stages. They rarely do. He was falling over years before the diagnosis and then when he only had minor cognitive impairments as measured on the shortened memory test - (but much more major when it came to dealing with him!) The doctors were honest enough to say they could not be sure but they suspected the falls were caused by multiple reasons, including the dementia.

You mention heart failure, which may again suggest vascular cognitive impairment - info cut and pasted below:

Risk factors for VaD include:[1]

History of stroke or transient ischaemic attack (TIA).
Atrial fibrillation.
Hypertension.
Diabetes mellitus.
Hyperlipidaemia.
Smoking.
Obesity.
Coronary heart disease.
Family history of stroke or cardiovascular disease

--NB I am not attempting to diagnose your mum BUT with a modicum of information you'll know the right questions to ask a doctor. In my experience, if you ask informed questions you get much more information out of them.

And ask away in here. There's no limit on posts and don't worry about it. It's natural you want answers and help.
 
Last edited:

chelsea girl

Registered User
Jan 25, 2015
139
0
I want to thank everyone who is reaching out to me. It is amazing that with all that you carry on your plates that you care enough to take the time to help others. I feel quite alone in this as I seem to be the only one who "sees' (if I am seeing correctly), that she "may" be in early dementia. This thought alone brings on feelings of guilt.
I am so grateful for this place where I can say what I feel and be understood and taken seriously.
You know prior to coming here, I read and read and read, but it is only through communicating with all of you and reading your posts that I start to 'get it', bit by bit.
May God Bless and help us all ... the ones who suffer this awful disease (any awful disease) and the ones who love them.
Jackie

My mum complains constantly about the pain in her knees!. In her sleep she shouts that shes having a heart attack or she cant stop shaking on and on and on!! When we go into her shes fast asleep and doesnt know shes been shouting! Drives me mad lol. All i do now is sympathize and then change the subject. Hope that helps?
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
Wow. So much validation re 'is it me'. I don't know how to contact a moderator so I will ask you a question? I am posting a lot and since it is early stage (if at all ... as I am no doctor and we have no diagnosis), I worry that it may seem unfair to others who have been through so much more. If so, I will cut it down a lot. I am very grateful as I have suspected for over l.5 years re possible dementia and she has been ill for over eight years with heart failure .. so many falls (and I wonder if falls are connected to alzheimers, not asking another question), so many hospitalizations, nursing home rehabs, and I feel so stressed. Brother with POA has obviously burned out a bit. I am trying to get my Mom to allow me to take her to doctor even though the doctor may not share information with me. She has so many medical issues that need attending to. Thanks again.

Please keep posting. You are helping so many people with your posts & experiences.

I remember when I joined earlier this year feeling so relieved that everyone here understands.

My dad has vascular dementia & has falls. Vas Dem can affect sight & how they see things. Dad can't judge speed & distance any more do isn't safe to cross a road alone.
 
Last edited:

Forum statistics

Threads
138,144
Messages
1,993,348
Members
89,800
Latest member
suehart