Dear Zooey
I'm not a tactile person either, I don't remember cuddles from my mum - a hug from my dad every now and again maybe, as a laugh. No hair stroking or hand-holding, mum would think it was ME who had dementia if I did that. That's perhaps why you have the animals, they give you that physical bit that people say we all need, but to be honest even my cats annoy me these days. And don't mention the husband!
So you are who you are. That doesn't mean you don't care, but it does make visits difficult when they revolve around pure conversation and there ain't any.
Your mum sounds as if she knows the end is near, and doesn't want to prolong it. How sensible (? sorry, wrong word, can't think of a better one) of her. There is no point in her battling when she isn't comfortable or happy, just to hang on for a few more months. I think if she has made the decision to give in, it is a very brave one on her part. I believe my dad made the same decision with his cancer, but he seemed to make it overnight and was gone the next morning when no-one expected it. I know he was frightened from the phone call we got from the hospice, and I'm sad we weren't there with him, but he made the decision and it did save us all watching him suffer for many more weeks. And him, of course. In fact, despite having one of the most painful cancers there is, he didn't really suffer pain at all, which was a blessing to us all.
I've just deleted a load of stuff, decided it was not appropriate.
Now my mum has AD (didn't appear to have it before dad died in 2004, though he said she did). She misses him like mad, he was her life. She was okay (not happy, but okay) while she could stay in the little house they shared for 55 years, and look after it, but now she is in a home the life has gone out of her completely. She too has kidney problems, and actually said "Oh good, it might bump me of
Anyway, regarding you not being able to hold out, well I am not surprised at that, I was the same with my dad, I could stand so much and then the thought that he was dying meant I couldnt cope - and he once described me as "the strong daughter"!
Well, you can only do what you can, Zooey, to my mind you are doing great, no harm in being a sobbing wreck now and again, and not surprising given the stress you are under.
Maybe your mum will recover to live a bit longer, you will have to wait and see. Keep up the visits, they will be important to her, even if you can't stay long.
Keep us posted, we are all with you.
Love
Margaret