Moving mum in?

[Fattuatara]

Thank you juggling mum

Welcome to TP.

I personally don't think you would cope for long with such young children.

When crisis hit with my mum (with hindsight I should have spotted it years before hand) I had her live with me and my brother for alternating fortnights until I found her somewhere suitable to live, sheltered extra care accommodation. She was agitated when she was swapped over each time for a short time(my brother did all the driving) but not at the stage that she didn't recognise our houses. We didn't let her go back to hers(long story, but house wasn't habitable and we thought she'd lock herself in and us out).

It was very hard on my then 8 and 12 year old children, and there is no way they would have coped with her staying and us having a normal family life. In my experience, whilst my kids are more independent now they still need a lot of input. She demanded my 12 year old do jigsaws with her when she got in from school and couldn't understand that she had to do homework - may seem simple but day after day it wasn't. She corrected my son every mealtime at table and couldn't understand not to, or that he was allowed to pour his own drink etc etc. My brothers children were 7 and 4, and she didn't like the 7 year old so would play with the 4 year old and would just pack the game up if the 7 year old tried to join in. She had a memory of the 7 year old being poorly behaved as a 4 year old and wouldn't alter it. Again can be dealt with on an odd occasion but day after day, not fair on the children.

My children had had enough, but now enjoy Grandma visiting and playing cards and board games with her, but can only manage a couple of hours of being asked the same things every 3 or minutes, and then I take her back to her flat.

We did this for 3 months and it was a struggle.

If you think your mum is struggling you will need to move her, but look at sheltered extra care (sometimes known as assisted living) or a Care Home (much easier to sort out if she is self funding). I would also say move her to near you as you will need to be able to take her to Drs and other things which take up hours of my time. This way you can spend quality time with her, rather than day to day coping.

My mum has alzheimers not VD but alot of things are the same. Your mum may stay the same for a while or she may deteriorate rapidly but she will deteriorate.

Hi juggling mum. Thank you also for your advice and support. 3 months sounds like a lifetime to me - how did you do it? We ve only gone 3 weeks so far, and it's been one of the hardest, most emotionally draining periods of my life. If we could afford one of the lovely £1200/wk homes I'd be less anxious about putting mum in a care home although I know even the expensive places don't necessarily give the best care.it breaks my heart to think of her in any of the places I've been to see so far. Hopefully we'll find something that is somewhere in between. Xx

 

[Fattuatara]

Thank you

there are other people who can meet your mum's needs now.
there is absolutely no one else in the world who can be your childrens' mum.

Thank you sister Millicent. How very true. I hadn't thought about it in such clear terms. Thank you!!

 

[Fattuatara]

Thank you

Can only repeat what has been said. I think it would be a total mistake for you to look after mum, 2 small children and a husband?

My OH had vascular and Alzheimer's for 10-12 years. The first few years were OK, but as time wore on he could do less and less, then couldn't be left alone. Then came the more physical things. I think it would be totally impossible to cope with all that plus 2 children. I would do as JM suggests and find a care home or possibly assisted living nearby. Easy to visit, and someone else does the hard bits! As a move would confuse her, just move her the once, not to your house and then to a home.

Thank you Spamar!! 10-12 years!?! You're amazing. Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. I'm very grateful. Xx

 

[Fattuatara]

Thanks

Hi Fattuatara (hope I spelt that right), welcome to TP
It's a huge step to take, I moved mum in but after the kids had all left home and that was difficult enough, in the situation you describe 2 very young children and an OH who works long hours, I'd ask what are the alternatives?
If she has a house/money could you consider a care home?
Could you sell her house and modify your home (granny flat)?
Could you get her into a warden flat near to you, as you live many miles apart that may be difficult.
If your mum moved in would that be detrimental to effect on your children and your ability to be a good mum and have a satisfactory home life?
Post a bit more and we'll all throw in some advise, but if it's a straight yes or no I'm saying no, you might be taking on too much and the ones paying the price would be your OH, you children and most importantly you.
K

Hi Kevini, so events have overtaken my response to your question. We spent a year looking for a house in london that would accommodate mum and my growing family. Bubba came and we decided to look out of london, and bought the place we re in now, thinking it would be ok. How naive we were! So mum has a house that we will sell ASAP. But it won't have a lot of equity, if any in it. So we are not self funding. Mums here now, and while I thought Farnham was well set up for people in our situation, it turns out that it isn't necessarily so for everyone. As my GP said to me this morning - we have an ageing population you know, and I can't magic up carers...(patronising b******). Anyway, thanks for your time and effort in responding to me xxx

 

[Fattuatara]

Thank you

I am sorry but it wouldn't be fair to any of you. Dementia takes up so much of your time mentally and physically, your children deserve that attention, and your partner, then time for yourself, you'd be exhausted. Xx

Thank you velocity! xx

 

[Fattuatara]

Hi

I'm feeling like this now.
My parents sold their house and we built a house for them on the back of our property 7 years ago. At the time my children were 6 & 11, my husband had (still has) life threatening health issues, and we didn't know what was around the corner.
The move was to help my parents downsize and free up cash tied up in their property plus to help me with the children if my husbands health needs became more.

Now 7 yrs later my husband is still in remission (from a brain tumour) and Mum 74 was diagnosed in the last 4 yrs Leukemia, Bowel cancer and 2 yrs ago Alzheimers.
Thankfully her Leukemia & Bowel cancer, do not need any treatment apart from having bowel surgery 2 yrs ago.
Dad 77 has cognitive impairment.

Mums dementia has advanced considerably, and I am constantly on beck and call.
My children and husband are coming off 2nd best alot of the time and I feel stretched to the limit at times. My children are now 13 & 18 but still deserve their Mums attention.
Its been a year since we have had a family holiday and I have booked us a holiday in few weeks time and my Mum and Dad are going to stay with my sister. I can't even tell them we are going away until just a few days beforehand.

Having a 1yr old & a 5yr old and a husband that works long hours, and add your Mum with dementia which is a lot like looking after a child but worse, because at least a child can remember and learn, would really push you to the limits.
You would find yourself having to make choices between your family and your Mum, and at the same time trying to keep everyone happy.

Hi Linbrusco. Fellow kiwi(?) my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how you're coping. Thank you for replying to me, when you have so much else going on in your life. I hope you enjoy(ed) your holiday. Big hugs. Xxx

 

[Fattuatara]

Thank you

How much social life does your mum still have locally? I made the decision that mum would be better to move to a care home near me partly because she was no longer able to go out and participate in any of the social activities she had enjoyed and sadly hardly anyone came to visit her at home. So she was very lonely and miserable and bored.

We looked at assisted living options but even her CPN advised that she was unlikely to be able to learn to manage a different place and would need constant support, so in the end we bit the bullet and went for the care home option.

I can't say she was happy there, but we knew she was safe and we could all see her far more often. I used to take my little grandson in regularly and he was the only one who got a smile, but when he was tired I could then take him home. It was a definite plus that she could see him more often.

I personally would not have considered having mum at home if I'd had small children; it's not fair on them.

Thank you pickles53. Xxx

 

[canary]

Hi Fattuatara

Im sorry you are finding it all so difficult, but it sounds to me like your mums needs are now greater than one person (however loving) can meet and it is doubly hard for you as you have such young children.

Might I suggest that you contact Social Services and shout very loudly (metaphorically speaking) for some respite. You sound at the end of your tether and it will also give you some time to view care homes. If SS are saying that they think a CH would be best then it almost certainly is as they usually fight to bitter end to keep people out of CHs as a CH is actually much more expensive.
My mum is in a CH and she is now content there - she is no longer anxious, is clean, safe, well fed, has put on some weight and has company. There is no way I would be able to look after her myself - she now needs a team of people who can spend all their time looking out for her and are not exhausted as they get to go home at the end of their shift, get a good nights sleep and go on holidays.
So do not fear her going into a CH and definitely dont feel guilty.

 

[Fattuatara]

Thank you

I agree 100%. It's almost impossible to understand how hard it can be to cope with dementia 24/7 until you are there at the sharp end. I know we didn't have a clue. And it's one thing finding out the hard way if you have only yourself consider - it's something else entirely if there is a spouse and children, particularly such little children. If your mother were well, and able to understand, I am sure she would not want you to do it.

Thank you Witzend. I think you're right - she would hate it., and we had absolutely no clue! You read these books that make it sound like it's manageable - and it's not. It simply isn't (at least for us). I appreciate your time thank you. Xxx

 

[Fattuatara]

Thank you too

Hi Fattuatara,

The answers to your questions are unaminous - and I think that you are asking these questions because you know, deep-down, that this is not what you imagined when you generously promised to take your mum in with you. You know that your mum's illness will get worse and that she will need specialised care.

You realise it has come to the point where your mum is no longer safe in her own home (not managing her affairs, not properly fed, hydrated, medicated, kept clean, a risk of falls and other dangers to herself and to others...?)

You are worried that a change in environment will accelerate her deterioration...?

And you are worried how you will cope with 2 young children and your husband working long hours...?

The short answer is, you probably won't.

You only have to read the posts on Talking Point to see the constant stress and strain of dealing with dementia - in our own home or even at a distance (care home etc...)

We have a "granny flat" - it's one of the reasons I chose the house we bought 3 years ago. Earlier this year, when I knew my mother could no longer live alone and needed care, my first thought was to move her to the granny flat, with carers coming in. EVERYBODY said "Don't!" - all the health professionals, my family, friends etc...

It seemed mean, not taking her in, I didn't actually agree with them, but I listened and found a nursing home nearby, where I visit frequently, and we bring her home for an afternoon out, special occasions etc... I know now (3 months on) that it would have been a HUGE mistake, having her living donwstairs. I would have felt consumed by her Alzheimer's, and I don't even have children living at home.

If you want to spend time together with your mum, it will be easier for you to do that if you do not have the full burden of caring for her in your own home. You could find a solution where she is properly looked after/cared for, and then you can be there for the treats, outings, visits etc...

Take care!

Thanks Angela T. I wish I'd had time to read all these posts properly before we were thrown in the deeps end. It probably wouldn't have made any difference because we had no choice but to move mum in in the end. But perhaps I'd be finding it less difficult sorting out care for her. I was so naive. But I appreciate your time and advice. Thank you. Xx

 

[Fattuatara]

Thank you

I agree with AndreaP. I had young children when my mum got to the stage of needing full time care. I must confess neither I or my two siblings considered moving her in. I found a home near to me and she moved in there. I am still certain it was best for her. Having gone through the " I never want to go into a home " she took to it like a duck to water. Mum was never very sociable in her younger days , (she was a deputy head of a large comprehensive and very intelligent ,she seemed to think many people were below her) but they got her involved in every activity going and she thrived. I'm not sure she remembered any of them as one day my sister was just at the home when mum was getting off the bus following a day trip to Llandudno( we all had proof too as that evening she was on screen on the local news ) when asked what she had been doing mum said nothing there's nothing to do!. I know some people never settle and want to go home all the time but mum never once asked about her house which her and dad built some 40 years previously she just seemed to be content where she was. I will always be grateful to her for that..

Thanks 1mindy. I'm not sure how mum will go in s home. She has always lived on her own, and been completely independent. This last 3 weeks she has been completely withdrawn, and I'm not sure whether it's because she's depressed, or because she's having such trouble talking. I hope having other people around will pull her out of her shell. but I'm worried it will have the opposite effect. We have a taster session at a day centre booked for next week so I guess I'll see how that goes...but thanks for the reassurance. If I can find the right place, hopefully mum will settle eventually. Thanks again for your time and support. Xxx

 

[macyfizer]

Thank you for sharing this Fattuatara, your situation is not easy. I suggest that you first know the status of your mum’s health by speaking with a doctor. In case she needs your full attention, then I suggest you consider moving her to edited to remove name of nursing home. nursing home. To ensure that she won’t feel lonely or abandoned, I suggest that you call and visit her regularly.

 

[LadyA]

Thank you for sharing this Fattuatara, your situation is not easy. I suggest that you first know the status of your mum’s health by speaking with a doctor. In case she needs your full attention, then I suggest you consider moving her to ******* nursing homes. You can expect that these places have trained people who can take care of your mother diligently. To ensure that she won’t feel lonely or abandoned, I suggest that you call and visit her regularly.

Macyfizer, this is an old thread, from about eighteen months ago. I don't think Fattuatara has been active on the forum since then.