Male Alzheimer's Spouses - where are they?

[Lawson58]

And at the end of the day, what has divorce got to do with this poor man's situation?

He is stuck in a dreadful situation not of own making, he says his wife has no concept of anything and all he wants is some happiness in his remaining years.

He was obviously feeling bad about what he wanted and I don't think we need to go heaping any more guilt on him than he already has.

I'm betting he's sorry he even asked for advice.

 

[pony-mad]

a poo and a wee at the same time
K

Just had my 1st laugh of the day
Thanks Kev!


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[truth24]

Made me smile too.

 

[Countryboy]

If they guy didn't want to be made to feel guilty maybe he should used some common sense and kept quite obviously people are also going to be dead against adultery

 

[In a Whirl]

Whoops ..forgot to hit a return button when posting. Here they are again.


1.Is it Ok to have a relationship outside marriage if the other spouse will remain forever in ignorance?

2. Do you as an individual have a right to your own happiness ?
&
3. When should you exercise that right?

I'm not suggesting for one moment that separation or divorce is the right thing to do..just pointing out that in law a 5 year separation is sufficient to consider a marriage is no longer in existence .

It's a very uncomfortable but pertinent question which highlights the impact of long term residential care on spouses.

 

[Countryboy]

Ok I can see where this is going I just don't understand it become a major issue for family member when their relative with dementia wants to do exactly the same thing with possibly another patient with dementia it suddenly become wrong or immoral or is it just one rule for a person with dementia and another for those without dementia what's good for the goose ??

Just want to add I'm only speaking generally personally I at age 72+ I think it all over rated I would prefer Cornish Pasty

 

[malomm]

Did not Charlotte Bronte answer these dilemmas with Jane Eyre?

 

[In a Whirl]

Cornish pasty ???.I nearly spluttered coffee all over the keyboard with laughter.Tony you made my day. Two fresh cream doughnuts for me.

 

[Prospector]

I confess I haven't read the full debate (I'm a dementia carer - I don't have time!). I only started reading the thread because I was intrigued by the title. However, it is an important topic and I would like to share my perspective.

We need to distinguish between companionship and a sexual relationship. My wife is in mid-stage dementia in her early fifties, and I am just a few years older. For much of the time, my wife is no longer the wonderful companion she once was. She has lost the ability to speak coherently and to understand much of what I say to her. She has also lost the ability to read and entertain herself. I miss the companionship of my wife as she was eight years ago as much as I miss our sexual relationship. While I would not countenance having a sexual affair while she is still alive (and I'm not even sure I will want one afterwards), my wife and I discussed the matter a long time ago about what would happen if one of us died. We both agreed that we would want each other to be happy and if that involved a new partner than that would be fine.

I see no problem in having women friends - in fact I have many who are a great support to me at this difficult time. I have no desires on them other than good company. Likewise I have men friends who I can turn to for support and company, and I likewise have no desires on them either! In fact this raises an important issue - would anyone bat an eyelid if I had male company? One of my best male friends is actually homosexual and in a stable relationship, yet there is and would never be anything sexual between us. When I can no longer look after my wife and she goes into care, I still need to live my life and if that means companionable outings with friends of either sex, then there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Saffie]

I have missed this thread because I assumed from the title that it was wondering where the male carers were.

I`d give anything to have my husband back and be able to care for him. I haven`t needed any anyone to take his place since he died and I certainly didn`t need anyone to take his place while he was alive.

I'm with you Sylvia and, for the record, I see nothing amiss with your original comment.

I have been asked to accompany a man to a concert. I only know the chap from church which I returned to last Autumn after many years away.
Yes, no doubt he may be lonely and is being kind, taking pity on me even, but whatever, it's not for me. I have no need nor wish for pity nor for individual outings with men at this time and cannot see that ever changing. One of a group fine but not alone.
My friend said I'm being silly and it was no different to a woman asking me but to me it is.
Am I wrong? Out of date? Old-fashioned?

 

[stanleypj]

Yes, the title is very misleading.

I think you are right to follow your own instincts in these matters Saffie and not to worry about what others might say - but I'm sure you don't.

 

[Countryboy]

we must remember that the person with the illness may have an extended family , sons ,daughters, brothers, sisters ,parents , close friends who may be very upset about your attitude and seek some revenge on you or the person your decided to have a relationship with, this could result in possibly someone getting seriously injured or even worse ,

 

[jan.s]

My friend said I'm being silly and it was no different to a woman asking me but to me it is.
Am I wrong? Out of date? Old-fashioned?

No, that is your choice and your decision. I am not looking for any relationship, because in my eyes, I'm still married to Roger and I cherish his memory, and don't want to sully it.

I did make a friend at the care home, a man who's wife was there and he was very lonely; I have been out for lunch with him, but made it very clear that lunch was where it ended, and there were to be no afters!
I believe he has a new friend now, so I don't hear from him!

Having said that whilst another relationship isn't for me, others have to make their own decision on the matter.

I hope you had a lovely time away Saffie. J x

 

[Mal2]

Blimey, I go away for a few days, and come back to this thread! Each of us only has our own opinion. For example, I found every single person I encountered on my train journeys, absolutely lovely, helping me on and off trains, fetching me coffee, carrying my case, assisting me as much as they possibly could. And this applied to both staff and other commuters.

So my opinion, at the moment, is that all train staff and commuters are great. Like LYN, I consider myself still married - it's just that John has died. I love companionship, and should I ever be lucky enough to meet someone, of either gender, who enjoyed the same things as I did, I would welcome them as a friend.

For me, friendship and companionship would be enough. But I might feel differently in the future. Who knows? If John had been in a Care Home for 6 years instead of 6 months, my views might have been different during his stay. I certainly can't envisage men queuing up in the future, to woo me, what with my arthritis, bunions, dodgy knees and feet and rotator-cuffed right arm, but should they, I'll let you know.

Bless you, I hope that there is a loving future for you, and would love you to tell us all when it happens. One never knows.

My brother-in-law died 5 years ago, and my sister-in-law came to stay with us for 9 months, until she felt she could face home on her own. I once said to her, you may find someone else, to which she replied no one will ever take ====='s place. 9 months after she went home I had a phone call from her, she was engaged. I was so pleased for her, that, she had been lucky to find companionship and love once again. Everyone deserves that.

 

[Mal2]

I wonder if Nordholm has ever come back to this page, he has made no further comments. It seems he has opened a can of worms.

I presume in his title he wanted to know from other Male carers, their situations and what they thought

Has this thread helped him, or does he wish he had never asked the question.

I have only ever had support on TP, but, would be most upset if I received negative comments.

 

[Mal2]

No one should be lonely,the sad death of a partner is totally different to a partner with dementia who is still alive.I have no problem with anyone finding love again.

I have had this conversation with my husband,neither of us would need or want another relationship,especially while we are still living.He has been to hell and back over the years coping with me,i gave him the option to leave,luckily he is still here.

For me,it is the notion that because someone isn't 'aware' of what's happening,it doesn't matter. When my mum was abused,so many people said it didn't matter because she didn't know. Really?

I don't think someone being abused is in the same category as Nordhom's situation. He is not abusing anyone, just asking advice on what he can do, to help himself form an opinion.

Abuse in any form, is a subject, where care homes etc, have to be monitored all the times for the vulnerable. A totally different thread.

 

[Mal2]

I know, I didn't say you did.

Only that Nordholm was asking advice on his situation, and, he was probably asking from other male carer's.

It is obviously a very controversial subject, a very hard one, to have just one answer.

 

[gringo]

I wonder if Nordholm has ever come back to this page, he has made no further comments.

He hasn't logged on since his original post.

 

[Saffie]

I admit to feeling confused.
I have nothing against meeting with men and indeed if a husband of a friend was left alone or someone I knew well, then I would happily go to the theatre, share a meal, or whatever with them.
It is the meeting one to one with someone I don't know that is my problem.
I last did this when I was 19 and even then it was with a fellow student - as in my husband. That was 57 years ago!
I have never foreseen that I would ever be in that position again and have no wish to be.
Yes, my husband is dead but he is still my husband and for the present and probably for the future, that is enough.

I should emphasise that this is my feeling and has no bearing on anyone else's life.
If love or companionship is felt necessary and found by others after losing a spouse that is good but not for me.
I have my dog!

Jan, I hope you have a lovely time away. I spent a night in an hotel with Saff and the other days with my college friends. It was good. They know Dave and I well and it was good to talk. xxx

 

[nitram]

"He hasn't logged on since his original post."

He can view this thread without logging on.